Chronic Disorders and Self Pity

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When I was first diagnosed with MG I had no idea what it was but since I was not that symptomatic and medication fixed it almost immediately I was not that worried. Once I googled it, started having more symptoms, and began having hospital stay after stay the reality set it! I have a lifelong chronic disorder. I had felt a little hopeless for a bit. I felt like all my healthy lifestyle and good behavior meant nothing. That everything bad that I ever did suddenly outweighed everything good I ever did.

The bad things in particular that I felt I had gotten over and forgiven myself for suddenly resurfaced. I felt I was being punished. I felt I was being punished for the sins that of the abuse that had happened to me as a child though it was not my fault I felt that somehow I was suppose to endure these things and I did not deserve to have a better life. I was in a dark place. I was hurting so bad. I suddenly had thoughts I never had. Thinking that people I knew personally who were unhealthy and did some pretty bad things had it better than me in several ways. I just did not understand it.

These darkest times were usually when I was in the hospital by myself for days on end and when I was hooked to many machines unsure of what was to happen to me. I kept my laptop with me and I would talk to my mom via skype and pray. I would also call my biological mom. The two of them would keep me balanced. My biological mother an addict now clean for nearly a decade gives me more realistic and street savvy advice with a spiritual heir to it. While my mom (my great aunt that has raise me since I was 4) gives me religious, spiritual and nurturing advice that that speaks to me on a different level. Both are loving and caring but each gives me a yin and yang that says a different thing in a matching way that makes me whole, if that makes since. I sit and meditate on their words, my thoughts, the bible, and watch church on my laptop and it seems like it is speaking right to me. God knows the message I need sometimes. It’s okay to sit and cry but you cannot stay in the self-pity and wallow in it for long because you can become lost. I am a very cheery person so if feels unnatural to stay depressed and everyone around me notices it as well. I do not like who I am there and therefore I immediately seek to change it because I enjoy putting a smile on other people’s faces, I want to be a light in other people’s lives to give the hope and to know that there is something to look forward to. I look forward to better times, more life to live, and love to give. I also hope that in my lifetime there will be a cure but if not I will continue to have fun and enjoy life.

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