I thought that once my doctor diagnosed me with MG that would be the end of my worries, that this would tell me everything about me and they would be able to ‘fix’ everything or maintain everything with medication. Boy was I wrong. My anxiety went through the roof. I knew I struggled with anxiety all my life but I did not know in what terms or how serious. I had seen court ordered psychologists and psychiatrists when I was in grade school to deal with coping without my biological parents after being placed to live with my great aunt and uncle. However, they were the best things in my life. My anxiety lay with the questions that were not being asked. They lay with the situations that had not been observed that I could not explain fully until now.
I have gotten to the point now that there are days that only my mother (my great aunt) can touch me. I feel so bad for my husband sometimes. It’s not his fault and I know it but anyone else makes my skin crawl including my own touch. I don’t want to be talked too sometimes. These are weird times because I was always a snuggle, touchy, feely, person. I also feel bad because he is so patient with me and the medication I am on is unforgiving. It causes mood swings and I find myself having to do more apologizing that I care to do some days. It is truly a humbling experience.
Many days I find myself feeling as if I am in a dream world and it can be a bit scary and I have to snap out it. As if I am not who I really am. Most of these feelings come after huge/ dramatic changes in my life. But I have not been able to shake this and I know logically it has to do with my MG but you cannot tell that to my anxiety, LOL.
These panic attacks that I continue to have are unreal. They come out of nowhere. They are about anything and nothing at all. They range from small things like I cannot get this hair out of my eye an obsessing over it and almost breaking down to I am going to die soon and I do not have children and I am so under-accomplished (forget my bachelor’s degree and 2 master’s degrees-1 in psychology, lol) and so many other things I am working toward. I have to breathe and get it together because I begin to cry and and wear myself out and with MG that is never good because then my symptoms are exacerbated and then the real panic gets triggered!
The plus for me is that I have plenty of people who are supportive who talk me DOWN and are patient like both of my moms, my husband, and my friends. I also have my music, my games, workouts, books, art, and spas to dissociate when I need an escape. These have been my lifesaver. Well that and the discovery channel, LOL. Blogging has also been my new love lately to add to my collection of support and dissociation.