SO I skipped my workout yesterday because I had the early shift at work and I had to open the facility. That means getting up at 4am. I like working out before my shift because it means I am usually less symptomatic from my MG and able to gauge how I will feel the rest of my day. However, on my opener day this cannot happen. I usually have to workout afterwards. But Yesterday being that this is the first week of working out in 7.5 months I am easing if you will back into. I say easing because some people who are not use to working out would not call my 12 mile bike rides on Tuesday and Wednesday easing back into working out.
However, when Midday Thursday came some symptoms decided they wanted to go haywire. I got double vision for no reason at all. I recently stated in a post that I was nervous that would not be able to tell the difference between MG fatigue and exercise fatigue and this was that day. I was easily able on Tuesday and Wednesday, but not yesterday. It alarmed me and made me feel like if I exercised I may have pushed the limit and caused more issues than I was willing to deal with such as being out of commission exercise wise for several days. Since I just got back into this that is the last thing I wanted. I also had several things I had to do yesterday afternoon and so I decided I would just go and run my errands anyway. Though By far I would not call my errand exercise (Even though I walked my butt off) I definitely felt it when I got home because I was up until nearly 11pm and had to get up at 5am.
I was so on edge yesterday afternoon from not having my workout and then being late to my friend’s special event that my anxiety went through the roof. My husband could not understand it. He has known me for now 5 years and still does not understand that my anxiety is a disorder. That is does not go away, that I control it as best I can but that it gets out of control sometimes and I try my best to control it all without medication because I hated being on the medication 15 years ago. It was for a short stent (less than 6 months) but they way I felt was horrible. So I figured I could combat it with exercise, meditation, music, and other soothing dissociations. I do pretty good until one triggers happen such as being late, rushing, money issues, car issues, being lost, or my anginophobia strikes. I feel bad for most anyone in my way then. I cannot help it. I do not really know the root of these issues fully I somewhat know where they stem from but my logical self cannot stop me from feeling the way I do and acting the way I feel.
What makes it worse is when those who do not understand say things like just calm down. Or it’s not that serious! You are overreacting. In hindsight I may know these things but I am usually embarrassed because someone witnessed my meltdown. My poor husband is getting better about dealing with it but he is still learning what not to say, and when not to say it, LOL. That’s hard enough with women but with a high anxiety woman BOY OH BOY! Thank goodness opposites attract and he is more laid back to fit my anxious life!
Today I do not care if my whole body tries to shut down I will workout! I will sit on a recumbent bike if I must and read a book and go at a snail’s pace and do it! I don’t care if I can only do it for 30 minutes. It’s better than nothing to help keep my anxiety down. I cannot function otherwise. My books, my exercise, my games, my dissociations are my FIX!