My Inner Fat Kid Is SCREAMING

So have you ever had that moment when you just know that despite how healthy you are, or are trying to be your temptations are finding there way around you as if by pure magic and your inner fat kid (much like your inner child) begins screaming EAT IT! YOU MUST HAVE THAT NOW!

I have that moment almost every time I pass an Asian restaurant. I tell my husband I was born into the wrong country and family, the stork was drunk, he missed, who knows, but I have an addiction. The food is too yummy to pass up. I have learned to find the healthier options. I have even learned to cook it myself. I have a ton of Asian friends as well LAUGH, yes I say laugh at me when they visit my house and see my Asian cooking utensils. They say you are the only American I know with a rice cooker. Or you are the only American I know with chopsticks that eats with them and why do you eat seaweed like they are chips? LOL.

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I work as a contractor for an Asian company which I did not know when I began working for them. I found that to be fate, LOL. Getting sushi at lunch was a plus. I almost cried when it happened. Then I tell them (my friends) it is their fault as they continue to open my palate to new AUTHENTIC places and fuel my fire indulging my addiction. They are enablers. I now go to places without them and initiate hunts for such places and tell them about them. They are shocked and laugh and say I must take them.

I do still try for healthier options though, things grilled or steamed instead of fried and I love all the veggies I can get which as you can see from the pics they love to offer in the family style setting to pick and nibble at. YUMMERS!

Make you plate colorful!

Dreams and Reality

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Why is it that when you do something in real life to yourself that it takes weeks, months, or even years before you can accept it in your dreams? Let me explain, if you lose 50 lbs or get a small scar on your face, you know what you look like in a mirror but in your dreams you continue not to see this difference and try on clothes and wonder why you cannot fit that new size you just lost weight to fit into or recognize your scar is not there when doing make-up in a dream but you know it should be. It takes months before it naturally appears after seeing it everyday and dealing with it on a constant basis. It also has to sink into you subconscious. this was even the case with each new boyfriend growing up and even when I got married, LOL.

However, with my MG it was almost immediate. That was the first  time in my life that happened. Almost as soon as I got the disorder, I dreamed I had it and all it’s effects were there. It scared me. I actually had been dreaming about it before it was completely confirmed. I had constant dreams about not being able to move, pick things up, breathe, walk, and it was horrible. Though the bad dreams have died down because I now am stable and know it is not always like that for MG patients 24/7 I had never been able to have a dream so quickly about current situation. I could see the tubes from the hospitals and every current bruising or scar I had endured during this time. It made me severely anxious as well. The logical psychologist in me says it’s stress; however, if you knew me well you would know that stress encompasses many of the other things I spoke on as well. So I guess maybe the level of stress, then…

I have a lot of ‘premonition’ dreams and I have a lot of lucid dreams where I can will something to happen because I know I am dreaming but never the type of dreaming I’m talking about deals with how we perceive our own bodies and selves on a daily basis. How we see our lives. I can never quite dream about the normal me usually the next day if something drastic happens like a new haircut, a fresh scar, tattoo, or the like.

Am I the only one?

Ripping Off The Band-Aid…Here Comes The RAW Emotions

1-20-2015 317 -my hair last year at this time 1-20-2015 242-my hair in its natural state (same length just curly)

Last night I cried…i allowed myself to just let the tears flow, not like a blubbering mess but just flow. I also allowed my husband try and comfort me which I have only allowed a handful of times since knowing him as I usually prefer the comfort of myself or females, lol. Anyways, I cried because that morning I looked in the mirror and my hair was nearly gone after straightening once I took out braids that had been in for a long time.

With MG I sometimes have trouble doing my daily rituals because of time or strength issues so I have to pick quick easy tools to help me.I got my hair put into braids because doing my hair puts a strain on my fine motor skills that needs to be saved for typing for work, brushing my teeth, and going to the loo (at work, since I have a bidet at home and other tools) and carrying many heavy items in a fitness and wellness capacity at work.

Well I did the braids too many times back to back between that,the MG, and stress, I have very super long strands,and very shorts, and well I look butchered. When I went to work I did not have time to think much about it. I made the best of it saying I want to cry but who has time and made a hair style I figured I could get away with yesterday. But by the end of the day I was so exhausted fidgeting with the hairband that kept falling off and the bun that could not hold b/c my hair was so thin that when I walked in the door and my husband asked how my day was I said, “my migraine has come back, my anxiety is up because I missed my workout and I have no hair” and began to cry! The worst part of him consoling me was and usually is, he is not always sure what to say. He sat me down and offered me water, and wished he could hit the lottery to find a cure or an awesome weave. I said I simply wanted my hair back. My hair is longer the parts that grew but it is not healthy. He sat with me and rub my head and my hands and had his head bowed. He looked as if he was blinking back tears himself which made it hard because I could tell it hurt him to see me so hopeless because I am always to strong and ready to come up with the next idea! After a few more moments of that and no real solution we decided on dinner and just watched television and talked. Then I set up the idock and we listened to my nature sounds so that I could hear a good thunderstorm last night.

However, I did buy some hair products (Sunday) and I will give it about 2 months. This was for my temples before I straightened my hair because I saw that my hair was thinning there first before I could see all the other damage. If I feel I see no improvement I will be cutting it because my hair usually bounces back fast from anything and though I have this disorder I cannot keep holding to ‘past’ if its not going to work. I will also try going to the dermatologist as well. But that is hard between all my routine dr. visits without taking off work. I have a dr. visit as it is about 1 a week if not 2-3 times a week. Pray for me because I definitely a ball of emotions, though we should not ‘be our hair’ we as people are attached to our hair. Men can say they are not until they begin to bald and hold on to it while it recedes into horrid shapes, but we all know the truth we love the hair we have nurtured most of our lives. Therefore, until we decide on our on accord to cut it, or style it a certain way we a most definitely hurt when things like this happens. I’m totally praying for peace!

Inspiring New MG Warriors

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I set out on goal late yesterday evening to search for other wordpress accounts that had MG (Myasthenia Gravis) tagged in it. I wanted to reach out to those who were MG warriors, battling life with MG. WE don’t just life with MG we battle life because each day is hard for us but we make it look easy by being who we are! We are the ones who prevail each day and make you forget that we have a disorder. We make you love us and see us as normal even when we know that we are weak. There are days that our inward feelings make actually become our outward appearance and we make actually look like a drunk person or a stroke victim and therefore and I’m glad that we have the love and support of those around around us! Your stories and blogs have given me even more inspiration and hope and I feel so grateful to have stumbled upon them. God has truly blessed me and I am so happy right now!

MG and Migraine Update

So before MG my migraines never ebbed they would stay at the same strength, ONE STRENGTH 100%! It did not matter how long they lasted 1 day or 60 days (which I have had a 60 day migraine). Now luckily with MG (ironically enough) a disorder causes my migraines to take on a different characteristic, I’m happy but REALLY, lmbo. This one was the longest one I have had in months possibly close 9-10 months as this was the last time I can remember having my migraine preventor meds increased.

I appreciate the likes, comments, and concerns regarding my post about migraine woes this past week. It has been a struggle to carry on with normal activity despite the migraine. I have light, sound, and movement sensitivity as well as physical pain on the right side of my head. I also get motion sensitive and yet I have to pretend that none of it is happening at work. Most people had no idea except my boss who knows when I am quiet something isn’t right, LOL. I am excited to be nearly done with this thing and glad that people cannot tell either way. It means I was still able to put a smile on people’s faces no matter what and that actually made my day Friday!

Inception

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I have been living in a world of strange falsehoods and awkward moments in the last few days. I have not quite been able to decipher what has been reality and dream. I am sure some of this has to do with the strong painkillers at night, my MG, stress, and sleeping with the television on at times. I am having dreams within dreams like the movie inception. I am not sure when I am awake or asleep and I have no idea at times when I have actually said/ done things at work or home or not without asking. I keep huge to-do lists and check lists because they actually soothe my anxiety to see things get checked off them; however, when you are unsure if you actually did them or not it really throws you for a loop. I hope this migraine goes away soon…It all started with this thing! I haven’t had one like this for a long time. I do not like taking so much medication but I have to in this instance. I already take a daily preventor (topiramate) and when I have a migraine I am supposed to take relpax but I tried tylenol instead and that didn’t work delaying the inevitable. Then I tried norco again delaying the inevitable and now I am breaking down to take the relpax. As you can see this is probably good reason for the crazy dreams. I did make sure though that I spread the medications out over a period of 6-8 hours each time over the last 48 hours. I just want this thing gone.

ZENFUL INSOMNIA

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I love the natural sounds of nature. So much so that while listening to the person I love (my husband) I heard the amazing artistic portrait being painted outside my window and began drowning him out until all I could hear was the thunder in my ears and see the lightning between the blinds behind his head. I was listening to the wind howl and picturing the leaves swirling and trees bending and swaying; dancing to the beat of the drums of the sky’s thunder. I was listening to the pitter patter of the rain on the roof and the draining of the water sliding down the glass and tip-toeing down crevices unseen but gurgling nearby. I was excited. These were the sounds that calm me. The sounds that make me happy. I knew I would get some amazing sleep. I even said as much to my husband as he saw the far away look in my eyes and was probably wondering if I was listening to him talk during dinner.

I finished my food. I rushed to do my nightly rituals and then got into the bed. AND BAM! Sleep would not come. I was wide awake. Listening to nothing at all. I had no thoughts. I made sure I wasn’t trying to hard. I made sure my mind was at ease. I was over-tired. This is when I sadly remember I have a MG and that a symptom can be insomnia. This is when my old insomnia of before the this MG disorder resurfaces, this is when the medication that says may cause insomnia says HELLO. Insomnia is everywhere for me! I almost want to cry because I have to be up at 4 am and I have been waking up at 1 hour intervals and have a lot to do the next day. I worry how long the insomnia is coming to stay this time; days, weeks, months, years? With MG I cannot afford to not have proper rest because all of my symptoms will flare and send me into crisis mode.

SOLUTION

Thursday night gets a sleepy pain killer since I have a closing shift at work Friday and Friday night I will use my zen music app with all my lovely nature sounds to lull myself to sleep! I will get my thunderstorm dreams where I paint murals of ideas to take action in life.

What’s Your ZEN?

Trix Are For Kids…

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If we always put an age limit on everything that was for kids we would truly have a stressful life. I believe that we should try to view life through the eyes of a child sometimes and enjoy life a children do to relieve the stress that some of us deal with in our daily lives. I model my fitness classes after fun kids activities that you probably would not dare do on your own because you fear that other adults would judge you for doing it. WE do crab walk and human wheelbarrow races, as well as over under drills with a medicine ball and someone races to the front of the line and so on. Instead of the team who comes in last gets feeling bad they actually get incentives like the other team has to plank and wait for that team to finish but they aren’t told until the end, LOL.

Also, I watch cartoons! I watch all sorts, not always with my nieces and nephews in attendance either. I sit for hours and tune in to cartoon network during regular time (not adult swim or toonami, though I like this too) and and just watch cartoons. I watch Disney channel as well. It keeps you young and innocent at heart. It’s good to laugh and enjoy kid things.

People say you should hurry up and grow up. I am grown, married, with a full-time job and though I enjoy this life, I enjoy the simple things and that includes remembering the simple fun times of being a child. I have 23 nieces and nephews and they keep me young. They remind me that Trix are just for kids!  They are for those who remember there is a little kid inside of you screaming to get out. Go to the amusement park, go to the zoo, go find your sense of excitement and wonder. Enjoy the world as you once did as a child! I promise the stress will just melt away!