Why does it feel Like Somebody’s Watching me?

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I have been extremely paranoid and though I have been rebuilding my confidence at work it is still heavily cracked. There are people with some some serious “MEAN GIRLS” mentality. They have never had a bad thing happen to them a day in their lives and the world revolves around them. They work in a corporate bubble and believe that emotion is a bad thing to have! I understand working in wellness that no complaints means that you have no business. You want to know that you are relevant and have something to strive for. However, personal attacks are just wrong.

In a recent survey (recent as in at the beginning of the summer) to our clients one person cowardly attacked me by saying (and I will leave all their spelling errors too, lol):

“There is one fitness trainer that in my opinion does not belong in the center. She brings in unhealthy foods and sits at the desk snacking. She constantly complains that she’s sick or injured and NEVER does any of the workouts herself. The fitness instructor should be able to perform all excersises within the class they are teaching without any issues.She didn’t even participate in the “beat the elite” fitness challenge yet they put her name up as one of the “elite” trainers. If she can’t run 1.5miles and do some pushups and situps she doesn’t deserve to be grouped in with the elite.”

When people speak on things that they know nothing about they should probably shut their mouths! I wanted to participate; however, both my program manager and my Regional Director told me I was not allowed to even once I was cleared by my doctor because they felt it was not necessary. They wanted to make sure that I was fully recovered and rested after several surgeries. Moreover, I talk with several members who actually ASK me personal questions like how is your MG and such and I tell them before or after class and if you are going to eavesdrop then so be it. However, it never stopped me from demonstrating any exercise for them! When I could not teach, other staff taught in my place PERIOD! I also was not the one that put my name on the elite board, my program manage did because he felt that would make people ask more questions if they did not. Yet I can do any of those exercises.

As far as unhealthy foods…I found this hilarious. I am not sure what this person found to be unhealthy? I eat salads from the company’s cafe most day or something home cooked like baked chicken. Especially up until that point as things needed to be a certain consistency so that I did not choke. I did not eat many chewy things or carbs. I rarely eat fried things and NEVER at work. I know people are watching because of where I work since the first day I started here 7 years ago. Moreover, we do not get a lunch break and have to eat around the members since we work exactly 8 hours even though we are salaried. So though 95% of the time I eat in the office there are rare times you may catch me at the front desk but she cannot honestly say she saw that in the last 9 months so she brings things from almost a year ago into a survey as a personal vendetta. I only wish I knew why she personally does not like me.

When my Regional Director, PM, and HR people read this they all agreed that no action should be taken against me and that she was just a really mean person taking a personal attack, but DANG! I would love to know what I did to you? You have made me wonder what I could have ever done to you? You could have come to me like a HUMAN and spoken to me.

This person attacked my eating habits, the classes I taught, my fitness level, and said I should not even work there! If you really had a problem with me as professional leave it at that, but you obviously have a vendetta. You don’t have to come to my classes, you could have talked to me, you could have ballsed up signed your name, LOL. I won’t lie I wanted him or her fired (I believed it to be a her from both the evidence I found and the snarky comments). I was mad, you went out your way to single me out to try and wanted me FIRED! To lose my job because I do not fit your model of what you think should be a fitness instructor yet you have no idea what encompasses my job. I coordinate all group exercise classes, massage, safety audits, and aid in the standards and procedures for my entire company at one time. Strangely enough I also create the durn surveys they slayed me on!

You killed my confidence to teach classes! You killed my desire to be in my work environment as I felt it was hostile and that people were constantly looking to get rid of me for any reason (Obviously not my boss, RD, or HR) but that you would make such reports obviously you! You thought that would be enough! Well I am still here and though I still wonder if every whisper is you and I feel as if I know who it may be. I will never confront just in case I am wrong. I just know that whoever you are, one day you will know that people deserve and earn their jobs. I earned a 4 year degree from East Carolina University in this field and it is more than teaching a class . I am not a glorified personal trainer or fitness instructor (though there is nothing wrong with being a certified trainer or fitness instructor)! I have the ability to run fitness tests, read EKG’s, aid in physical therapy, and assess a gambit of movement issues with that degree alone. Yet I went above and beyond and gained additional certifications from ACSM to solidify my skills and knowledge as well as earning 2 masters in 2 different types of psychology for people like YOU who struggle to understand why you are they way you are! I work hard to break stereotypes in my career and field as a female and an African American. I will overcome and become be better for it, but what will you become? All I can and have done is pray for you! Because from that first day you managed to hurt me because I was and am vulnerable from all that I was going through with my MG and it IS a sore point yet I prayed for you. I would never wish this on you or anyone else because that’s not how I am. But one day you will know the pain even if temporarily of not being able to do something you love and hopefully you will know EMPATHY!

Most people get applauded for saying they survived and are in remission from their illnesses like Cancer and such but because they do not know about mine I get criticized! WOW! IGNORANCE! Yet they can be cancer free from some cancers and I must live with mine for life! Seriously I just don’t get it!

A rare form of bullying!?! I think not!

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16 comments

  1. JoHanna Massey · October 8, 2015

    Do not feel you have to ‘explain’ yourself to any bully, no matter how or what their particular attack mode.
    That kind of an attack is painful even when it has nothing to do with the reality of you or the situation.
    Continue to take the high road my dearest Lady CAS. Chances are the bully is jealous, insecure, and just doesn’t have a clue how to behave themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lady CAS · October 8, 2015

      I know but that thing hurt me so bad I reeled for days before I could even talk at work and then weeks before I could hold my head up they way I wanted too. Moreover, I still feel as if when people are talking in hushed tones I wonder if they are talking about me to my boss. It’s a sad reality now. Though they never are and he always tells me what’s going, I have become so insecure…I was never that way before that. I was bullied when I was younger but I never really let it bother me kids teased me all the time and I just ignored it…this, this got me!

      Liked by 1 person

      • JoHanna Massey · October 9, 2015

        Your beautiful website and intelligent expression through your writing clearly demonstrates you are a strong powerful woman.

        What this person did was just plain nasty. Wasn’t really or ever about you. It was about them!

        You have just gotten mentally stuck on it. When I get stuck on some negative I indulge in being so kind and generous to myself, and when ever my mind goes there to that bit of bad stuck in my head, I quickly go do something else, something that reinforces all the good parts of who I am, also I often will work with affirmations.

        The way you speak of your profession, you enjoy it very much. Just show up every day and embrace it.

        All my very best to you dear Lady CAS.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Lady CAS · October 9, 2015

          Thank you so much! I deeply appreciate your kind words! They are truly uplifting. I have been trying to do just that. Prove to myself that not only am I a good person but that I am good at what I do and they cannot force me out of my job. I feel that I am killing whoever it is with kindness! I know that I this is truly the only way to get through this and move on and I am okay with that! They have to deal with their own demons I cannot do this for them.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Heather · October 8, 2015

    Righteous thunder. Shame on her.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lynz Real Cooking · October 8, 2015

    That is ridiculous!!!!! Just the fact that you are holding down this job, have pushed yourself to gain even more education and knowledge and all while you are coping with this disease!!!! Oh…… wait that is most likely the problem!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lady CAS · October 8, 2015

      Exactly! I was floored! When I read it I was so enraged I could hardly hold myself together! This person has NEVER known Empathy or experienced a bad moment EVER! Moreover, to want someone fired over this was trivial…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Lynz Real Cooking · October 8, 2015

    huge hug from me to you!!!! Sometimes people just can’t stand to see someone so strong, smart and positive!!!!! That is just the sad reality!

    Liked by 1 person

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