Was I thinking too loudly for you?

REFLECTION FROM A FEW YEARS AGO…

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I am telling you sometimes I feel like I am too smart for my own good! I don’t say that to brag but to say that it is a both a gift and curse. Sometimes I almost wish for ignorance because the bliss that comes along with it is almost worth it. That calm, that carefree satisfaction of nothingness. However, there are times where I feel that being in a room when where you are known for sometimes over speaking your opinion and people expect you to be the one to say something is also just as bad so I bite my tongue many times as I have had to learn to do. No one likes a person that always has something to say either. The person who always must intercede and ooze antagonistic condescending comments on the ignorant or silly people. It’s not usually necessary either.

However, there are times when you are that person in the room that people are BEGGING to say something because they all refuse to and they want it to end. They need you to balance it out. LOL. I did not know this existed in people until I moved away from my younger brother to go to undergrad. He is that person who has no filter. Much like I definitely later developed to the umpteenth degree. So when I moved away and then he moved away from my parents house they had no one to balance this is their home when people came over that where ignorant, overstayed their welcome, called the house annoyingly, or showed up  unexpectedly. My brother was notorious for letting them have it for being rude, while usually being overly rude himself. It was both highly mean but in a way (sadly) quite amusing on some level. It was a spectacle to behold.

Later, when I developed this same sense I tried to defend my behavior by saying that though I was brash in my manner, I was educated in my doing so and that I was being firm and not screaming obscenities. I had used the same in your face tactic but with different words. I later finessed this to be more corporate in my execution over time. So that it almost sound like I was laying someone off nicely, LOL. Like the movie ‘Up in the Air’ with George Clooney and Anna Kendrick.

Now people knowing both styles, still look to me and almost bait me into situations that make me scream. They dare me to say something with their eyes. I can see it. They are smirking across the room and rolling their eyes the air in the room has become palpable. I can hardly breathe I am so ready to burst. At these moments of biting my tongue I am beyond corporate negotiations…I’m at raging lunacy much like my brother…I’m almost frothing at the mouth. My brother would nearly pass out from laughter. My husband would call it the 30 minute workout…Where you joke someone (on pick on them for 30 minutes straight without stopping).

I am ready for my one-sided boxing match to begin. This rodeo gate needs to open! I am ready for the bell to sound to I can go…People are ready for me to do the dirty work and to get some amusement. I am struggling with my inner demons not to say a work because I cannot let this ‘genius’ win. My eye is twitching, and I breathe.

As if he can hear everything I have been thinking for the last hour he turns to me after having his back to me and says, I’m sure you do not like me, or anything I have said! I understand how you can feel that and that’s fine!

I laughed…I laughed maybe too hard, and he cocked his head to the side and looked at me with an uneasiness that said you know what maybe I pushed her a bit to far. I saw the strange look in his eyes and the change in his body language. He no longer looked comfortable. I actually had no intention of EVER putting a finger on him. (though I thought about a million different scenarios, LOL). Laughing actually made me realize how tense I had been that my medium brown skin was almost white from gripping the chair and that I had finally released it and relaxed a bit. The irritation and everything he was had said was gone because I was NO LONGER LISTENING. However, this poor man had stopped talking halfway through my realization from my laughter.

I told him to continue. He said in a quivering voice…I’m ok. I um think that I owe you an apology and I will not waste anymore of your time. My Jaw almost drop, but I caught myself. I ask him he felt ok and he said yes, that he had to get to a meeting and that he would contact us later. However, We have not heard from him again. Working at that facility back then was fun but that was probably the strangest moment I have ever encountered.

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