Do you ever get that feeling that when you look in the mirror you just do not recognize the person you are looking at? Or even when you are not looking in the mirror, you simply do not feel like you? You walk around in a haze and though you have a few moments per day or week or month that feel like you you just feel weird and out of touch? I have been feeling like this a lot lately. When it use to happen to me in the past I attributed it to my weight loss or the changes my body went through thanks to MG. However, now I know it has to do more with my anxiety as I have done more research and stop ignoring the fact that it does play more of a role in my life than I have been giving credit for it.
Though I tried to ignore it for so many years and say how controlled it was…It was not and caused some issues in relationships and with my comfort in general with myself. I have found that I seriously can retreat into myself and perfectly fine there WAY too long until I forget how to interact appropriately in so groups. Or at least that is how I feel. I start to desire less and less the desire to be around anyone that includes my poor husband. I would rather it just me and when I have him my pup. I always enjoy his company. I can read, play games, and watch anime all day. I don’t feel sad or lonely I just feel at peace. Some people would say this is a sign of depression, but I get up, go to work, get work done, shower, eat, and still manage my household, but just prefer to be alone and do things that only require me and appeal to me because I have get used to it.
I feel as if I have been ‘forced to it by being shunned, ignored, forgotten, or life happened’ so often that I have just gotten comfortable being by myself. I know that may sound horrible sometimes but that’s when I get the feeling that I don’t always recognize who I am. This is because I am use to being what others call ‘overly cheery’ and bubbly so when I am just happy or average like this it concerns them. It concerns me too at times but then I feel like in a way it because they have put me off so much in a way its sort of their fault, LOL. I look in the mirror and say who is this person who is staring at me? She looks like me but she is missing something…Its my spark! She is missing her social spark, that connection to people! That need to want to reach out and see how others are! To check in and see how what they have been up to. This is something I do whether they do it for me or not, yet I have been doing it less and less because I have become busy, more jaded, and guarded even.
I was always the first to do this since I could ever remember and recently in the last year I can say I just started to fall off. At first I use to care and even feel guilty, now I don’t even feel as guilty anymore because these same people do not check on me or are just as busy and therefore we all have our lives to live and catch up when we can. Yet I seem to be the only one in such a weird head space and I think part of that has to do with me not being as social and not being exactly where I want to be in life (still wanting children) so I’m still omitted from that special part of the my most of my friend’s lives.
They invite me to baby showers and kid’s birthday parties but since I have no kids I always feel a bit awkward. Then moreover, I cannot always hang with them as much as I like because they have kid things and I have no kids to help distract their kids (a play date) so it’s hard to have adult conversations. So we end up playing with them more than anything or they have to more involved in ‘parenting’ while we try to talk than they want to.
So all in all! I feel left out of a lot of situations! The last of the mohicans. I love children and will play with them and animals in a room before talking to most adults…However, right now I just feel like I am not comfortable with where I am and I am not sure how to change that until I get there. I still have to wait for my doctor’s clearance to have children which the wait is rough. And every time someone asks when are you going to have children especially someone I have explained this too a million times I want to slap them. Moreover, I feel that is a question that people need to stop asking women. Seriously! Ask them do they want children or do they have children and then if they want to expound on the subject they will.
Hopefully soon I will snap out of this again. I usually do at some point but right now I feel like a slave to these feelings! I am praying my vacation will free me of these feelings!