Yesterday was the first day since I began blogging that I have missed a day of blogging. It was intentional. I felt I needed to have a true day of reflection for myself. I had to retreat into myself in preparation for a day that was very emotional. To give you a reminder I visited my brother in prison that I have not seen in about 4 years who is in prison. I always feel like I am in a dream state when I go there. Everything seems so surreal. All the thoughts in my head are of the past and how things were. The good, the bad, and what could have been. Then it my thoughts flutter to when he could get out.
I know where my headspace will be when I go there and when I leave there. I know that I no matter how tough I am that I will cry. I will break down. I will be agitated because I cannot fully express that I am so hurt that I am not wanting to have to visit someone inside a prison (though I want to visit him I wish he were not in there). I do not want to carry on a conversation. I do not want another person being negative near me. I do not want more bad things happening. Moreover, I cannot hear the bellyaching of others either.
My visit to the facility itself was horrible but my visit with my brother was the best thing ever and trumped anything I could have ever had. It outweighed the humiliation of the facility not having their dress code online. They told me to wear jeans and a t-shirt before coming which I did when I specifically asked about it on the phone before coming but said nothing about my underwire bra…I had to cut this out of a an expensive bra…Moreover, with MG my hands and fingers were weak and I struggled for over 15 minutes to get this out in the bathroom and had to hand that with the scissors over to the officer. My husband could not understand my humiliation.
Then they announced that we would only get to have a ½ hour meeting with our family members which was unfair to me as I drove over 7 hours to see my brother. They said it was because so many people were there to see family before the holiday and on Thursday (being Thanksgiving) no one would be able to visit family. I secretly wished everyone else would go home as they lived nearby so I could get the full 90 minutes. It was not fair is what I kept screaming in my head. I seriously felt like crying right then but sucked it up. I was the second person to go in. I wish I had known that the 90 minutes could be shortened without notice by something like this. I only knew it could happen based on if more than 60 people showed…there were only 20 ish he announced. So I was a bit disappointed.
Then I got in.
When I finally saw him he burst into a beautiful smile. He was the best thing I ever saw in my life. I was so happy. We had the best visit ever. I have seen him on the inside a few times and this was the best one because he was happy, talkative and seemed more free in this time than he has since I have ever seen him. The first time I saw him he kept his hands in his lap together because he was so used to being cuffed he said. This time he was singing (literally), laughing the whole time, healthy, and full of himself which I am quite use to! He was his old self minus the negative side. He was my brother past the jumpsuit, the window, the gate behind him, the phones, the glass, walls, or anything else.
We talked about the past, the things he needed, and when I would be back. It was great.
Then the harsh reality came…the part that I dreaded even before I pla