Rationalizing the Inner Child

download (2).jpg

Have you ever met someone who does things and then tells you OUT LOUD why they must do them with a very serious and straight face but you know that this must but a joke…IT MUST BE!

My husband is silly like this. He rationalizes the silly things he knows he should not do but feels he has too. For example, though he did not do this, this is an example of something he would do.

If i made a gingerbread house he would stalk my progress and if I had any materials left over he would scavenge them and eat them immediately telling me that I did not need them even if I thought later to creatively put them somewhere, LOL.

Then minute by minute after I had taken a picture of it of course. He would tell me how it was leaning or this was out of order. Then as I turned my back something would ‘happen’ to collapse. OH NO he would probably proclaim. and then tell me well since you do not have any more creme as glue (because he ate it all immediately after I finished the house) you must lean the 3 walls together and I will just eat this one. As i look at him out the side of my eye with my lips pursed together in disbelief.

Then he would say man that gum drop path looks awful strange in front of this path and that chimney looks weird without four walls now…I might as well eat that too.

I stop him at the path, but he eats the chimney anyway! Then later I come back and pieces of the path are missing! Parts of the windows are gone and little decorations and people are moved… in preparation for quick access to him passing by and snagging them.

He is such a little scavenger. He is hunting gingerbread men, women, and animals, LOL. The poor house never stood a chance!

images (2).jpg

The Insanity Continues…Infinite Measures Taken

images.jpg

The universe may be out to get me after recent blogs. I think I may have spilled some recent secrets I was not supposed to divulge. I do not know how or when but it happened! This morning it my early morning the morning I love and hate. It’s the morning I have to get up at 4am and open my facility. I both love and hate it because I love the early shift but I fear the anxiety that comes with me being late to work because of my nearly 2 decades worth of sleeping issues centered around insomnia. SO I usually wake up a million times to check my alarm or the clock to ensure I ave not over slept.

However, in the recent months it has not been so bad since I have to get up every 4 hours to take medication so I wake up anyway at midnight and 4am anyway every night. So now I almost wake no matter what around these time without the alarm just before it goes off. Even when I have just had treatment and do not need the meds I still wake up and then just dose back off or turn the alarm off.

But this morning I got up because it was time to get up. I got up, prepared my lunch from the crockpot that was going all night…YUMMERS. Then got dressed. Normal so far. Then reminded myself that I needed to leave about 10 minutes earlier than usual since my stupid window doesn’t go down and I need to defrost my car lately and I need to be prepared for whatever weather since I have not been watching it in the morning lately and it has been catching me off guard.

SO I was ready to scrape ice, defrost, or simply wipe my side mirrors if needed this morning…THAT WAS ALL!

I was not ready for the the HELLEVATOR…much like the game show I watched the night before…now the red flag should have been the night before when I noticed that the elevator did not open when I tried to get on. SO I had to walk up to my floor. It is not a biggie since I live on the second floor, but it can be when you are trying to reserve energy and have MG. Some days at the end of the day my legs are quite over worked and feel quite done for. It is all I can do to LITERALLY pull them into bed with my hand and arms people.

Then watching the game show hellevator should have been another omen because I never watch this show because I am usually watching something else during this time. But I ignored all this.

I pushed the elevator button and watched the elevator door open way slower than normal and AGAIN I saw the sign that I should probably not get on. Even after looking at my car and thinking earlier while locking the door I should probably walk down the stairs because the elevator probably isn’t working, LOL.

Nope did it anyway…Got to the first floor and the door started to open slowly and STOPPED! My heart stopped! Not because I am claustophobic, but because I couldn’t believe it. I started to pry the door. But I did not have enough strength.

download.jpg

Then I hit the button and held it. Nothing. Then I called my coworker to see if he could open my facility. It rang and went to voicemail. I left a message sounding a bit panicked. My boss’s went straight to voicemail and the same reaction. I then texted them both. Again, my priorities are a bit skewed I am sure. I guess I should be worried about such things but I am not. I would have been more worried if I had to go to the bathroom but at the time I did not have to. I had my lunch and water. So I was good. Then I called my husband to tell him what was going on before using the elevator phone to call 911.

download (1).jpg

Sadly they did not seem surprised about this particular elevator. This did not make me feel any better but it did not scare me. They told me the fire department was on the way and asked if I felt okay if they hung up and I said sure.

The funny part was that at this point I had already been in the elevator about 10 minutes then. The whole time the elevator kept taunting me by trying to open itself but never doing it. Then my husband came out and pushed the upstairs button and it eventually went back upstairs and the door up there opened again very slowly and I felt like I was coming out of a dark cave despite having complete lighting the whole time. It was so weird. Mind you I walked into a darker situation outside since it was only 5am. This all happened at the exact moment the fire department arrived and they saw me coming out of the elevator. We told them what happened as they saw me coming out and looked me over visually and checked the elevator and taped it off and called management.

On my way to work, because yes I was wide awake with adrenaline and still had to go…I was like no one is going to believe me when I am late. Luckily, I was still on time though later than my ‘on time’ which is usually 15 minutes early. The facility opens at 5:30a and I usually get there between 5:10a and 5:15a so to get there at 5:27a was late for me and I found myself apologizing though it was not really necessary. I just have a standard. Moreover, my gas light came on not even 2 or 3 miles down the road and I hit almost every red light on the way there. I doubt the 1 person that was there that I had to apologize to believed me because my poor coworker was had a close call yesterday and I was just on time so it would seem out of the ordinary to still be on time but oh well. I am still shocked I made it on time.

When you are such a high level person in a company as he is and gets as many wild stories and excuses as I am sure he has over the years he is probably immune to everything, lol. But for me it an amazing morning and I have a crazy story to tell for years to come and an experience/ statistic to share among a special group of people, lol. But I think now…at least as long as I can stand it for a while on those early mornings I will try to take the stairs so I am not late. Again…not a fear because I will still take the elevator to reserve my strength but going down stairs is easier than up and being late gives me more anxiety than being sick…Yes I know…my priorities are a bit off…just a bit!

images.jpg

Captain’s Log Star date 1 Dot INSANITY

images.jpg

Yep I’m a sci fi geek and I love fantasy. The funny part is sometimes at the most inconvenient and even most inappropriate times I have science fiction fantasies. This makes me more in tune with the fact that my dad just may be right. I may need to write a book and soon so that I can get these crazy thoughts out of my mind and into a book so that I can at least be looked at the eccentric artist with acclaimed accolades for her eccentric styles and views of the world, LOL.

I mean seriously to bust out laughing because as you watch a person standing beside trying to reach something in a store you have a sudden vision of them someone coming in and creating some absurd act that would cause create complete and utter chaos in the name of hilarity. I mean it means that I need to laugh yes, but at the expense of this poor overly serious buttoned up chap that looks like they have never had a laugh in life, well yes, yes it does in the words of my dear Phineas and Ferb fanatics

download (1).jpg

LOL.

I am saying that apparently I go off on these fantasies in my mind because I am lacking something. But I also enjoy telling stories as well. So writing a book for children and young adults would be enjoyable to me. I also write about serious things too but I found that when I was younger and even in my teenage years I almost felt compelled to over exaggerate things that happened in my everyday life to the point of lying because it felt RIGHT. It wasn’t because I wanted to necessarily lie and I knew it was wrong but I felt like I could not help it. Then I realized it felt better to write about these things and make short stories that paralleled my life. I called them fiction and really made them even more wild and funnier. I added names that I liked and blended moments from other events and made them as I wanted them to be with more tragic or happier endings and this way I could feel better about life and tell things as they were to my friends and not isolate my friends and still enjoy life as it was in my mind. I lost that book long ago. It helped me to heal and control myself until I was able to do so on my own.

But now I enjoy blogging and giving life as it truly is telling you the things that I simply couldn’t make up if I tried. My life has turned into such a dramatic entity that apparently all those years of made up things have caught up with me.

Though I still make up my stories and enjoy daydreaming and having my sci fi moments and believe me they still happen often I can say that my written book will happen at it’s own pace. I will do so someday but I think it will take a great goading and support by many people as I am still a bit insecure in both the process and my abilities.

images (1).jpg

The Wolf Crier

download.jpg

Trust is a fickle thing. sometimes we give it willingly and sometimes we guard it like the most precious and prized possession of the ages. There are times in which we cannot decipher when is the best way to be with it. I have learned that there are those I trust to be the ones I cannot trust. It is funny to say that but it is true. For example, if I say to my one friend a ‘secret’ I know her to be the one that is without a fact not going to be able to keep that secret, lol. I cannot hold it against knowing that about her. It is my own fault if I tell her after knowing her. It was only her fault the first time or two. After that the fault lies in me for continuing to tell her secrets knowing she cannot hold my deepest secrets.

Then there are the ones that I trust to tell you anything you want to hear. Not always on purpose but because again it is just their nature. They are what I call the people who cry wolf. They are the ones who make empty promises the ones we call flakes. They will say to you things on a whim and mean well but then never really intend to keep their word. They want to do these things in their heart or would like to be the one who does them and are actually capable of doing these things, but will not actually take the time to do them.

These are the ones are tend to annoy me sometimes more than they should because I sometimes forget their nature because they are good people. Not just because I inherently think this about people but because they actually are after knowing them and from others that know them. They tend to be yes people and want to please other people and then in the end they say yes but only follow through minimally to those closest to them and give their all to those who may ‘recognize’ their efforts like their bosses.

I have seen this in some friends who are dearest to me. I am shocked when I meet coworkers of theirs that say they are the hardest workers they have ever seen, yet I know them to be the biggest flakes at home with both family and friends EVER. I mean every family event (intimate encounters included) and gatherings with friends…what’s that? Moreover, did you say you would do a favor for someone? When? Yeah that is not going to happen EVER! You better get it in writing and SUE, LMBO. I mean it’s sad that I have labeled some of my friends and family as people who I never believe to do what they say they will because they have fallen into this category.

Many of my friends can be found in this category because they are workaholics and flakes otherwise. I find this because we find challenges encouraging and have to learn to embrace social situations as necessary and healthy as we age. Moreover, we also need to understand that crying wolf is also not something we want to be known for. We have to start making good on our promises no matter how small. I have been VERY guilty of this over the years and have been trying to do better in the last year. It has been a big goal of mine. Trying not to whimsically throw out WORDS to satiate people. Because they remember and then you look like a jerk when you don’t deliver. I now see that! I have now been on both sides and I get it! Don’t be a WOLF CRIER! Make good on your promises!

The Namer

I have been reading a book called the A wind in the Door by Madeleine L’Engle. She speaks of giving evil a name so that it can no longer harm you. If you only name it, it loses it power so to speak. You are able to lose some of your fear behind it because you are able to stand up to it by knowing what it is you face and understand that it is not all that it appears and that it can only do what you allow it to do to you to an extent.

I want to say this is very true. She applies this to all of life and I believe we all must as well. I have found that people who cannot name the bad or ‘evil’ in their lives keeping it at bay like a taboo or a ‘it/he that must not be named…

images 1.jpg

should probably work harder to understand why they are so afraid of that thing or person and why they gave thing or person such power. My Sunflower is dealing with such an issue and when things come to matters of the heart it can be harder than one would expect to let go. People give them many excuses as to why they have become they way they are and though it may be true…it does not make it right. They have to get help, things can always get worse and even out of control. You never want a “too late” moment. Name them as the coward, abuser, addict, problem, changed person they have become. Show them the mirror confront them with the evidence on a day when they are not already in a rage and with support if you need to.

Do not allow yourself to be a victim any longer.

Ode to Sunflowers
growing so big and bold
your petals so bright
your face so round
your radiant warmth
always searching for the light
guarding all the smaller flowers and the seeds you may one day bear
but who will protect you my pretty sunflower

images (1).jpg

 

Never Regret Something That Once Made You Smile!

images.jpg

Happy memories are the name of the game! You should never regret something that once made you smile! I understand that sometimes it may be connected to the people who you would rather forget…but you learned a lesson from those experiences too. You may have learned to warn your children about people like this. To look for warning better warning signs or even to try harder in a relationship and take risks! You may have learned that there is nothing you can do and that you did all you can and that you would do it all over again if given the chance.

When you look at something and it makes you smile remember that moment. You will always have that moment. No one can take it from you! No one can say it was not yours to have. If you ‘LET’ someone ruin it it was it really ruined? You can still remember what it was that made you smile later and why you smiled.

A few minutes, a day, decades later, you will see a something that reminds you of that very moment and you will smile again and that next moment will fade in comparison. You be happier because you are just happy. Do not regret the bad that came later or the feelings you have now, or the person you were with or are with now. They do not matter! The smile and the memory are important. Memories are memories. Happiness is important and for anyone to say you should be ashamed to be happy about a memory of purity/ innocence well that seems a bit malicious.

My husband looks at me all the time and catches me smiling or laughing out of the blue and says, “what?” I say nothing, “I was just thinking about something or remembering something.” It’s usually triggered by seeing something nearby while we are out. Sometimes I share the memory. Sometimes, I keep it to myself. The ones I keep to myself are not because I feel he would necessarily have malicious intent but when the event may have been something that happened to you and it may have been only you but it happened during a time while you were dating someone else (a long-standing ex) well you just digress sometimes out of courtesy.

Knowing how nostalgic my husband can be he totally understands how I am and we honor that about each other! That man certainly knows how to take a walk down memory lane, no short cuts, lol.

It’s like elementary all over again!

magic-leap-ft.jpg

Man if only all my life could be like this again! What a time. I cannot really remember a bad time in elementary school. I mean early years k-3. The fun times. I mean 4-5 where ok and yes you took fun trips including overnight trips but really…the trips that seemed the most fun were the ones that you did not eve have to go far. The ones that you got to have hands on experiences and were nice and IGNORANT and everything amazed you. SO yea the later years were ok but it was only because they had to impress more because we had become more intelligent, BLAH, lol.

So back to being ignorant. Yes, the days were shaving cream on a cookie sheet was pure heaven. drawing your name in it. Squishing your little fingers in it. Or “ants on a long” made out of peanut butter, celery cut in half and raisins. to go along with the story you read.

How about going to the museum of history. It was my favorite for so many reasons. One because I loved to learn. But later because after my mom was no longer a teacher’s assistant she worked there and she made that place seem like magic. Even though I knew how some of the exhibits worked and I became too intelligent, lol she kept me excited by teaching me the stories about where the items came from not just what they taught you in the museum and how they preserved them. She let me makes games with her museum colleagues who helped me makes game pieces with soldering tools and created board games like monopoly with our own rules. I got to go to school with my own show ‘n’ tell stories and such. And then when we had to write stories and essays on fantasies I used the ones tat swirled in my mind from this mystical place. From the pirates, ships, planes, and far away places they had traveled. My mom was one of the smartest people I knew. She knew how to look up so many things and just where to guide me.

It is so funny to watch her second guess herself now because I know it only because I have ‘become intelligent’ and she feels inadequate. But she is still just as resourceful. She can still whip tings together in a flash. I watch her do it all the time. She gives me those same feelings of being that child in elementary school. being in that mystical and fantismal place awe stuck. I just never know how she does it.

Then my job magically this year gave us all the same holidays off that we got off when I was a kid in elementary school. It sort of made me smile and grin and think could it be? It is like my book a wrinkle in time? Could she be like one of the good strange creatures in it, the good witches who are both beautiful and odd and made amazing things like this happen. Things that only she and I would know and appreciate. Things that come at the weirdest times. My mom has a quirkiness about her…one that makes me smile. It probably seems absolutely normal to everyone else. But to me it quirky because I WANT it to be. I love my quirky mom. I need a kindred spirit and she is mine. When she does things like giggle which she does so often it lights my heart all the up and makes me want to find a blanket and snuggle up to my nose in it and never come out. And the very image I see of myself is the little girl with two huge poofy ponytails that are so long down her back as I once was back in kindergarten that she would only braid at the very tips to keep them from getting tangled, with the missing front teeth.

 

That Moment When You Feel…

There comes a time when you just FEEL. When everything feels more sensitive, when you realize that you are sensitive but you are even upset that someone noticed you were sensitive, lol. Well I have those moments. I like to be empathetic to others’ emotions, needs, and situations; however, I hate it when people say I’m sensitive about it. I want them to understand that I understand how they can feel that way and that I am not ALWAYS sensitive to what you are going through because even though I can understand it sometimes I will not be giving you a pass for it every time. SO playing on my sensitivity may not work in your favor if that is your ploy.

Moreover, if I find that it is something that I am actually sensitive to and I do find that someone is playing on my sensitivity you have lost ALL my trust and it will take you a long time to regain it! I may forgive you but I will not forget. This does not just happen at home with family and friends as one may be thinking. I have seen this in my work environment with subordinates who use excuses as to why they cannot ‘make it to work’ sadly for some in the end it got them in unfavorable places. Some have eventually climbed their way out my bad graces but again I have never forgot what they did. So though I give them chances to redeem themselves and treat them fairly, I am always guarded and prepared in case they they try it again.

Let this be a lesson. Do not stop being who you are because others try to take advantage but be wise enough to know that there are those out there that do not always have good intentions. I do like to believe that people are inherently good, though there are bad apples out there. After many years of prayer and meditation I have to say, so far I have not been proven wrong by this practice to often when I truly listen and practice this. People can be inherently good  and will be when given the chance. SO continue to feel and be nice first and see where it gets you! It certainly hasn’t hurt me or made my condition any worse.

I said GOOD DAY!

download.jpg

Now when I say good day I usually mean it as a joke. Today I meant it as a statement. I felt it was radiating from me like the day rushed up to meet me and said, “hello, how are you?” and in response I was cordial and and said, ” actually I feel pretty good and I’m going to claim this day to be good and so it shall be and it is SO!” I felt like a Queen making a royal proclamation.

I woke up fairly rested. I had a pretty good night the night before. Watched a great movie. Then watched the live NBC version of the WIZ and it was really great. Then I read my book for a while all while cooking my lunch and dinner for today in the crockpot. Then I settled in and went to bed.

So this morning was pretty good. I got up read so more. took my time getting up and made some breakfast. Put my lunch together. Then my dinner as I would be at work for that time as well. Then I read again. I got up got ready for work and still had plenty of time before work. So I prayed a bit. Then I read some more. I felt really good this morning. I got up packed my stuff and prayed as I always do as I leave my house (a short prayer of protection and then added one for my family and friends and their relationships today as I felt especially good).

I got to work early 20 minutes early so I read for 10 minutes. Then I went in. I got my things together. Set up and boss let me soak in my normal 5 minutes of (meditation) and then he hit me with bad news. We have been getting a lot of that lately…I was like HEY…I SAID GOOD DAY. But then the news he gave about the person…it was a blessing in disguise because at least they were strong and fighting! My special person my “sunflower” is in my prayers and I despite my initial shock I know today will be a good day and the sun shines bright with new hope for them. I cannot go deeper than that for now but just know you are not alone! I say GOOD DAY! SO it must be!