Misdirected Frustration

I have realized that there are times that we as people do not mean to be frustrated and that we do not even realize we are frustrated or have an attitude until it is far too late. And even then we are so committed to the moment that we will state that we do not when confronted because we are genuinely hurt or possibly embarrassed and our pride has been knocked down a few notches.

Many times when I get frustrated it is because I cannot help someone that I truly desire to help. An example would be my mom. She and I are quite close. My mom calls me often. However, some of her calls are about technology. I sometimes dread these calls because I am a kinesthetic learner/ person. Let’s be clear I do not dread them because of her, ONLY because I have a hard time visualizing the problem sometimes because I most of the time I need to physically see the issue and play with it on my own by putting my hands on it and doing it myself. So when my mom calls me and she needs something right at that moment and I cannot help her it tends to frustrate us both when I cannot and both of us have our tempers flare a bit. Mine because she cannot always understand what I feel is ‘simple’ enough for her to get and hers because what I am telling her does not make sense or is not solving her problem.

Many times these sort of issues do not escalate much farther and we sweep it under the rug. But as I was driving home later that day I thought about the incident. I thought and thought and realized no matter how irritated I was about it, it was because I could not help her. It was not because she called me at work, or because she had become frustrated with me, it was because I could not help her and that I had become frustrated right back. I wanted to immediately call and apologize. Then I realized I never do apologize after these circumstances, WE never do. It’s like an unspoken thing because, well we just don’t. I guess we could but we understand that it was not serious and that it was not worth it. We always sort of call each other the next day and talk about something else and move past it. We never hold a grudge over it and nothing ever fester from it which I am always grateful because I could not live knowing I hurt my mother and she was just holding on to it silently. No, that would just not do! My mom is a strong woman who is also very sensitive and I would never want to jeopardize that relationship.

As I thought deeper into how this situation went though I realized this could permeate across other relationships. Was this also happening with my husband? Did this sometimes happen between my parents? Were they away? Are my husband and I aware? I felt like my mind was blown! My husband and I had a long sit down! We had some talking to do. It started with him remembering that I have anxiety and that frustration means slow down and try to express things calmly which can be hard when you have anxiety and to work with me, lol. It’s still hard saying that I have GAD or generalized anxiety disorder and have since I was 16 but I have always felt I have had a good grip on it until I don’t. I seem pretty normal until I’m not. Until he thinks I’m crazy…So I remind him of his ‘safe’ zone words he may well want to stay away from and the fact that I am indeed not crazy just frustrated because I have anxiety and struggling to express myself properly at the moment and I need time to chill/ decompress. He’s still learning, we can usually laugh later but at the time my anxiety is no laughing matter. I always feel so ‘little’ during my moments. I am just glad between my mother,  husband, and of course God that they make me feel seen and encouraged. I was doing well on my own but with them I am thriving!