Tired is as Tired Does!

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I have a friend who keeps reminding me that the reason I am tired is because I have not slowed down to rest and I keep going non-stop. I think to myself…DERH! I know this, I am sure it’s written all over my face in bold permanent marker that refuses to go away. The sad part is that I do not have much of a choice. For some reason, when I am not as busy in one aspect of my life other aspects decide they want to pick of the ‘slack’ and require that I become busy.

Example, I get a day of rest coming up on the calendar that I have been looking forward to for weeks because I have taken it off or because it is a holiday and somehow everyone I know wants to schedule something with me that day. I feel bad because I am not as social as I once was because of school in the past, now work, and MG. Most days I can push through the MG, rest is still very important. So when I can get it I try so that I do not land myself in the hospital or rack up unnecessary treatments when I can save my veins and PAIN from the treatments. They are not that pleasant. Moreover, they also require TIME. Something I already have little of. So if I get run down then I have to add in treatments and then figure out when I have time for them which actually makes me busier.

I also try to take on things I enjoy too and yes eustress (good stress) is still stress. Your body still becomes tired after it. Even after the great adrenaline rush that occurs and all the positive benefits, you still ‘crash’ afterwards become tired afterwards. Your body has to recover.

Sometimes the best way for me to prepare for such days are to take more than one day off; one to hang out with 1 or more people and then next to actually rest. It sounds crazy but I have got to rest sometimes. I work more than 50 hours every week. Sometimes I just have to do the low key things like eating out (eating the healthier options when I can) or doing an art class (I love all types of art so it doesn’t really matter).

When I get too tired…I just hide. I stop calling people and go to work and home and forget people exist. It’s not intentional anymore. It’s a coping mechanism I developed in undergrad when I wanted to be left alone by those I dated and it spread to all relationships over time. It developed into a habit now and I seem like a hermit when I am really stressed. No one hears from me and I do not always realize I am doing this until one of my best friends/or parents texts or calls me and says they have not heard from me in a while. It’s sad but true. I don’t mean to push anyone away but I just get focused on getting things done and then getting home as quickly as possible to relax because that is all I have the energy for until I can create more time. So I sustain this behavior until someone snaps me out of it and I try to rearrange things/ re-access if I am actually still busy or actually on autopilot!

It’s crazy how focused and habitual we can become!

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I Have Found It! Author coming soon!

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So I have finally found the software needed to begin writing my book and paired with my dragon voice software I can easily begin talking in one document and import it into my book writing software and begin making novels. I am excited. I have 2 or 3 different ideas to begin with but the first step was to find the right software for me. I have found that now and it happens to be reasonably priced. It’s 2016’s top pick too. I am stocked!

I know that all of us who are bloggers are authors and if you do not believe you are, you are lying to yourself. You may not be the most famous one, but you are an author. You are either creative in your storytelling writing poetry and painting beautiful portraits in our minds that may be horrific, twisted and gorgeous, or plain and simple. You may even be just speaking the truth as it happened giving us the news or an autobiographical account of your life. It makes you no less of an author. You still evoke a feel of emotional distress or eustress from your readers and have them coming back for more and gaining more readers in the process.

I’ve wanted to write a book since I was in middle school perhaps even earlier about my life. So much had already happened to me, even at such a young age. SO you can imagine the stories I have now to fill it up with. I have always intentionally gone out of my way to be different but in doing so I have actually always naturally been different when not even trying to the point that it was comical. I intentionally tried to choose subjects, places, and activities that others would not because I did not dare to be stereotyped. I did not liked to be defined I wanted to keep people guessing at what I may do next. Would I do something wild eccentric or calm and mellow. I went with my moods and the vibe I was getting from my surroundings.

As I am aging and enjoying life and my books I want to write more than just my poetry which I have actually been neglecting for quite some time. I want to write a fantasy novel. I spend so much time in that ‘world’ while reading and then when I am daydreaming that I feel that I could truly write a really awesome fiction fantasy book. I mean between James Dashner and Rick Riordan I am so enthralled I can hardly contain myself on which route to go there! Though I love real word and plain fiction like Robert Galbraith ( AKA JK Rowling) I just am not sure if I want to get into any thriller books yet because some of my biggest fans (meaning the ones I WANT to read it –MY MOM, LOL–, not just who read my blog and WOULD/MAY read it) are too squeamish for such things. That may have to come later on. I want them to be able to enjoy one book and preferably the first one! I don’t need mom to have nightmares or never speak to me again because she read a uber gross line and it made her faint or sick, especially while she was eating.

Now the only thing left for me to do is buy it! I will probably wait another week or 2…it’s tax time and I just bought a ton of stuff recently. Then again…who knows…lol. I get overexcited sometimes and with these ideas who can keep me down! I may just have to rearrange some things so I can start this engine up. No offense to my fellow bloggers who put their books/novels on here, but I only plan on putting a small short story here that will not be the one I am publishing for the big time!!!

It will be a simultaneous tester perhaps, but I have to go big. I have faith and hope that’s what this imagination station runs on along with an infinite amount of creative spice!

 

My No Sew Fleece Blanket

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Above are the different stages in which I was creating but this is my blanket.

So as I promised my first project is done! I did the no sew blanket this weekend and it came out very well if I do say so myself…and I do, LOL. My husband also wanted one and for once I refused to make him one  but knowing that he was the person he (always wanting something that I had, luxury wise as well) I bought him some material too). Then I made him make one with me.

I forgot to take pictures of his (mainly because he took two days to finish his and I did mine in less than 2 hours). If I had not bought him the materials or did the project for him he would not respect the blanket and have the same sense of accomplishment he later had or the new skill he learned which he later appreciated though he may never make another. He can show someone else how to make or start one. I try to do things like this with him in effort to not only spend time with him but because I know that he will have an empowered sense of accomplishment when he is done and I am usually right about these things when it comes to him. He danced around like a little kid when he was done and spun it around and walked around the house like it was a banner instead of a blanket showcasing it as if I was not there with him while he was making it. I could see the pride.

Whether he would be embarrassed or not to show his friends I doubt because I heard him down play it to them but he definitely told them, LOL. He was proud but did not want to lose his MAN card. It was after all arts and crafts. I also wanted to show him such a skill because not everything has to be so intense and hard that you have to buy a ton of tools and take years to master. I wanted to prove that if I was gone or something happened and I could not use my hands he could still do something for our children that they could be proud of as well and be utilized not just a showpiece.

Moreover, the whole experience helped him see how important it is to choose wisely what you do while making such a project. He had to go into the store, choose his fabrics carefully which took so great thought and time as we only want ed anti-pill fleece and there were many patterns. He and I had to choose between if we wanted a print/pattern on both sides or one side pattern/print and solid on the other. we decided on the later for costs. Then we had to learn about how the store measured and cut fabric (by the yard not by the sq ft). After that I had to decided if I wanted to buy the additional and VERY optional project supplies like a cutting mat and rotary scissors and a fiberglass tape measure. I did not. I had a fiberglass tape measure in my sewing kit at home, and after watching her cut with her scissors using two different pairs I realized I could use the ones that came in my sewing kit as well. They worked perfectly. I could sharpen my other regular scissors for my husband to use for his blanket if they needed it. Then was the self healing mat, but it was only needed if you used the rotary scissors which I did not so I was good.

I was excited and happy. We left the fabric store (Jo Ann’s but you could use Walmart as well) and went to dinner and then went home and started our projects. I will tell you now if you are a beginner and you are starting this project just watch a youtube video if you are a bit confused on how things work and choose the style you like as far as how to make your knots. As far as how far to cut the initial corners 5in or 7in honestly it’s just so that it’s uniformed and has good spacing. 5in was fine but if you have really thick fleece you may want to do 7in so that you can easily tie you fleece.

Moreover, they say measure and cut 1in fringe strips for your ‘ties/knots’ I eye balled mine and my husband and I tied as we went. We decided that we did not want to wait until the very end and try to tie all those knots. We also tried pinning (me pinning my blanket to keep it matched and together while working on it and my husband NOT pinning his). I liked pinning mine since my husband actually stepped on mine early on before I pinned mine and messed up my matching while I was cutting/ trimming my corners and made me gouge 2 of my sides. I was able to fix it but from then on I pinned it and made him WALK AROUND unless he wanted pins in he bare feet.

Be prepared to spend more time than the recommended 1-2 hours on this as a beginner if this is your first project ever because you will be a bit slower at tying your fringe knots at first until you get into a rhythm, and if you have a lot of excess trim to cut off like I did from how the material is made (it’s called selvage). Moreover, do not be anxious about mistakes, anything you do can be ‘undone with this project or changed to looked like you meant to do it. If you accidentally cut off a whole fringe then maybe you can cut off every other or every 5 fringe or every 10th one and make a pattern out of it. No one has to know you did it by accident or you can simply tie the next fringe over together tighter much like the the way the corner fringe knots look (though you will have a little pucker if you did this a few times around the whole blanket you could get a very unique a cute blanket).

Moreover, if you have arthritis or chronic issues you may have to take breaks because of bending over or the tying of the knots so don’t worry about it. My hands started to cramp a little in the middle so I took a small break and then I was good. My husbands hands ever cramped and he has no issues so just be mindful of the actions, it should be fun not forced!

 

 

Mental Relief…

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So I went to my appointment with the first therapist last week and as I said she was not great, check my post last week about it, the good and bad of therapy. No she was not the first therapist I have ever had in my life so I have basis for comparison. However, she is  actually going to be a therapist for my husband and therefore asked that I come in and give background information because there was so much conflict. My husband and I agreed this was okay. So I did, but I definitely did not like this therapist for myself and needed to quickly find one for myself and one for us to both go to once the timing was right in a a couple of weeks to try to do a session together to hash out or issues.

We decided that he had other issues outside of the marriage he would continue to see her for so he needs her for that and I need my own therapist for the same reason but we will get a third therapist for marital counseling too. WE figure this will help us grow stronger but also to prevent he or myself from feeling as though any particular therapist we already have a ‘relationship’ with is taking sides.

I believe I have chosen that person but we will see. So far he enjoys the therapist I did not like…I do not want us to go to long individualized because as each marital counselor has stated and as I already knew from getting a degree in psychology going to long apart in therapy could cause us to grow apart naturally in our marriage where there is already conflict.

I do believe that with therapy it is possible for us to fix our relationship issues but only if each of us are willing to make changes and sacrifices. Mine will likely come in the form of giving up power while his will likely come in the form of needing to learn how to take on responsibility. It is something I am uncomfortable doing when I feel I cannot trust giving up power and it going the right way. It does not have to go my way as long as it WORKS. I need to see organization, plans, a system to know that things will happen. Too many times I have tried to trust that this will be the case and then at the final hour, minute, second realized, there was nothing and I have to scoop up everything and do it myself…(that’s if I let it get that far without my plan b already planned to the 9’s style).

On the plus side, in addition to finishing up with his dr. this week. I get to see my doctor and have my first hypnotherapy session and I am excited. I can hardly wait and I plan to incorporate it into either my morning routine or my bedtime routine as part of my meditation. I am just thrilled!

The Audacity…{Part 1}- Funny Moments

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So recently a string of funny moments have been occurring to me that I just must share. How they happen to me at the times that they do I do not even begin to know.

The first one was in passing a bus the other night that had strange animal eyes on the side of if by the name of their mascot I’m assuming called the bearcats. WHAT THE HECK IS A BEARCAT. I mean did they really just run out of scary animals…this animal is seemed made up to me until i researched it. At first I was like it is like the bearillas and mebras we hear about in the wild or jackalopes even, LOL.

Then I found out that the reason I have never heard of it is because the GEEK in me studied animals by their proper names and I remembered something about about a bin…something and looked it up and seeing sports teams and bearcat sparked something and found the durn thing. It’s called a Binturong it’s like a panda. Which I love pandas which is why I remember the proper name (again geek). But they are more docile which made me wonder why a team would want a mascot after them…I guess they are skillful but not very athletic, LOL.

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My parents actually have a full set of encyclopedia’s in their house that I actually use to go through when I was little and geography books (when you get grounded and love to learn it’s not really punishment parents, maybe you should have taken my books away then I would have stopped the first time around, LMBO).


 

My next funny moment came while I was at work listening to my music and cleaning. I was in the zone. I was on autopilot and totally jamming out with my bluetooth headphones in. Then comes a call. I was like man, i should ignore it but it could be important so I took a peek. It was a number I did not recognize and I said well I am working and I need to get this done quickly so I can get home and sleep…But It could be my friend for our outing this weekend…so I called it back….

The person immediately sounded like a recording when answering because she did not even breathe she launched right into her spill:

“Thank you for calling back my name is….with mortgages at an all time ….” I was like huh wait whoa…she was like do you own a home. I was like no I have an apartment I rent and do not call me again. GEESH. She messed up my whole vibe cold calling me and did not even have her facts straight. How she got my number and thought that was ok was beyond me. Most people do not own a home yet and she pulled that at 7:30pm when people would be finishing dinner and putting children to bed if they had any getting ready for bed themselves if they weren’t working 2 jobs, LOL. I fumed about that for about 5 more minutes thinking about calling her back and giving her a piece of my mind. I had to turn my music way up to get back into what I was doing before she cost me my sanity…silly woman.

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My third moment came when I probably seemed like I could care less yesterday but that wasn’t the case I was just tired and like mothers and people who are used to someone who requires a great deal of energy you only respond to the emergencies, LOL. SOOOO when he screamed in the kitchen instead of rushing in there I yelled in there and asked if he was ok like any sane person who put a capable adult or older person in charge of bacon and eggs in a kitchen would do, LMBO. I only asked him to get me a drink and he should have been done cooking but maybe a dish was still hot and he may have burned himself slightly. He responded back saying he was ok but was still yelping, so I yelled back do you need first aid. Again, I was dog tired, I had been up since 4am and running on 90 minutes of sleep from the night before and it was 9:30pm. He says manages a garbled no.

He comes hobbling minutes later into the room after I thought that perhaps he went and bought and cultivated the sugar cane fields in which he was making my drink. He tells me of how he went to open the freezer and piece of ice magically flies (and I’m thinking like superman) and spears him in the bed of his toenail (hitting him like kryptonite) and crippling him (seemingly forever) which is why he was in pain. I tell him he will be ok I was thinking he got burned I say. He says we thanks sarcastically. Then I say well be glad I cared if you were hurt, LOL. He says I am honest, and I knew he meant it but he tried to milk this ice knife injury for all it was worth sliding his foot down the hall like it was bleeding and would fall off if you looked at it. I’m telling you I was holding back my laughter so hard I was shedding real tears and gave myself a durn headache. I had to hold it back though because with my husband if I didn’t he would be in the first aid bin I have and wrapping his injury like it did bleed wasting my supplies coming out like a mummy looking oh so special. I swear I need to find a locking bin for my first aid supplies the way he goes through them because I have top grade things and a bin that is 2×3 feet because of the medical things I go through and do and have done over the years and he goes through it like it’s water. It is not cheap! This is not dress up, LOL. Men and their sickness and injuries!

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About Last Night Though…

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Have you ever been so tired AND sleepy (becasue the two are not the same thing) that you know you should not be allowed to operate heavy machinery and this includes things like the door, a fork, and especially your phone!

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My lord you would have thought I took some prescription pain pills last night the way I was giggling and carrying on. My husband was like I thought you kicked me out to go to bed but here you are still up and playing on your phone and then I give him a sheepish grin and he instantly whips out his phone to check snap chat to see if I did something stupid, LOL. Then when he is relieved there, he snatches my phone and starts reading because he knows I was talking about him and dies laughing because his suspicions were right and me and a friend were having a nonsense conversation about silliness that he and his brothers/ friends would probably engage in all based from a snap chat comment she made earlier in the day.

I mean we were both tired and the snap chat conversation sounded like  were both high on laughing gas and both trying to have intelligent conversation but failing horribly. My husband looked at the messages and was like REALLY you seriously envision me and friends doing these things eh? I said I don’t know why that would have popped in my head it just did, LOL. Would it have popped in my head if I wasn’t so sleepy (most of it no) but last night my sanity was stripped raw and the ‘in’ was peeking out. I have no words for it and I didn’t apologize because it was funny and no harm. Not to mention karma was my best friend as I only got 90 minutes of sleep after all that and had to get up at 4am. I was so tired but sleep just would not come.

Our conversations went from nip slips to horrible bosses 1 and the playground incident to kindergartners having 5 0′ clock shadows and deeper voices than most men and most everything in between. I have no idea how it all happened. Moreover, as my husband ran around trying to clean the house and wash his clothes he just kept shaking his head because I kept giggling and being silly. I am not sure if it was all as funny as I was making it out to be, if I needed the laugh, if I was that tired, or a combination of all the above, but last night was quite interesting, I hope I get more sleep tonight

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…Otherwise opening tomorrow (getting up at 4am) again is going to take a prayer that much like the one this morning:

Lord,

I thank you for waking this morning…(inner thought-though I could have used more sleep)

I am thankful for seeing another day and for you starting me on my way

But really…I need this body to get some act rite today! Cus being at work today looking like who dun it why so sleepy I can barely play it off is a shame!

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I’m nauseous and my eyes are swollen and head tryna hurt b/c I’m sleepy and tired!  (SIDE  SELF SHOUTING–Get yo life body! Cus I do not believe this is what God is sayin to you this morning!)

And if I trip ova, run into, or drop one MO THANG, we gone turn this thing around and call in sick! Cus we ain’t gon make it thru this day! I just don’t see it working out for me or these poor clients safey!

Cus you still workin on me and er um…

In your holy and righteous name (see can’t even pray right)

AMEN!

 

The Good and the Bad of Therapy

So when you need to talk to someone, you really need to talk to someone. I went to therapy and having been someone who has been to therapy before I know what it feels like to have a great release and to feel unloaded and feel free and how it feels to still feel unresolved or even downtrodden. Yesterday I left the therapist’s office feeling a feeling like the latter. I guess it was more because she was giving me a kudos like I was ‘brave for coming to therapy’ which I see no stigma toward. Moreover, having been told about my high anxiety before dealing with acceptance and the need to satisfy others and so forth, it was weird to see that she was unable to pick up on certain things.

I was did not expect her to dig through my past or past files but to see me as I am now. However, when someone specifically asks you about a certain situation and what brings you in there then tells you that ALL your issues must and basically CAN only be related to that it is a bit annoying. I mean since you did not look into my past you probably should not try to diagnose me then. The words use were you only talked about issues regarding this situation…and my response was um yea because you only asked about that. I could go on in detail about other aspects of my life but that is not why we are here. That is not what is sending me over the top causing my anxiety to peak. That is not what is making me stutter why trying to understand how you could be so blind.

Moreover, I am still in shock (reflecting upon my own personality evaluations over the years for school and fun) how I have gone from other type and models to a dang near full blown type A personality. I feel it is directly related to the current situation in which I am sitting in this office yet we have not really touched this and I know this is only the first session and there is only 45 min in which to speak but gosh.

I will say that as someone who has studied psychology for many years and greatly enjoys it, I was a bit dejected! I will not say I know more than her by far because I am not versed in her modality but I do know how to use the DSM manual and when she pulled it out to try and diagnose me after 45 min I was not thrilled. Moreover, only to say that I had both anxiety and depression due to my issue. I guess it seems logical and I can accept it but I have always hated accepting depression because I am such a cheery person so when something or someone changes that it actually PISSES ME OFF. She tried rattling off the signs/ symptoms of what put me in the category of each but I did not need her to do either and stopped her (not trying to be rude, of course) but I knew that manual inside and out. I studied it too. Though news ones come out often we all know the newest ones, the new highlights, and the most common diagnoses. I was dejected because I accept anxiety but every time I was told I had depression it was so short lived no one even bothered to really ‘say’ it because it would be gone in 10 seconds. I just do not hold on to it. But she believes I have been so for several months of and on and that I have been ignoring it.

Furthermore, she also was like I commend you for finding ways to treat/ reward yourself. I appreciated her trying in hindsight for all the kudos…but at the time it seemed for much like she was giving praise to a child who drew a crayon drawing all outside the lines but you still like the drawing because they tried.

She kept reassuring me that it was good that I listened to her advice about matching up my therapists for the other things I needed that she does not cover that are more specialized and that she can be brought in on and that this was also brave. Again I felt like that child and felt that this was not just my responsibility as I am not the only person in this but I digress on that for now.

I will say that being overwhelmed I am in a world of hurt and confusion and honestly though I knew I probably would not get a full release yesterday, I did expect to feel some sort of weight lifted yesterday where there was none. I guess the only weight lifted was the one last week where I felt I found the therapist. Maybe, things will change when I see my other therapist/ hypnotist on Thursday. She will be my full-time therapist anyway. Maybe that connection will be better. I pray so.

 

Moving at Light Speed…

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There are times I swear I should probably sit down and take a breather, but I feel like as soon as I do, I would pass out and never wake up. I’m totally not with the whole comatose lifestyle. I sometimes feel like you can rest when you die moments. I would rather get it all done when I am able because I know that as soon as I sit some days, it truly is over. I sit down or lay down and I honestly cannot get back up. It takes so much effort tears involuntarily come to my eyes and I suck them back up trying to figure out where they came from. You get back in there now!

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It’s just not allowed! Then I find a way to treat/ reward myself for my hard work sometimes. I have had to remember to start doing that becasue I work hard and forgetting to do this is just WRONG! I know I have a bog trip planned later in the year but not having down time and little rewards along the way greatly pain me throughout this journey.

SO I do things like give myself a day of reading, buy a sewing machine (which I recently did) and enjoy movies. I personally bought the sewing machine for several reasons, to give my hands a break from fixing my work pants all the time as they rip at the seams and my poor fingers get so tired that I struggle to type for the rest of the day sometimes longer. Then I want to go back to creating projects and such like I use to do, pillows, blankets, and other little things. I get to experiment a bit too because I have never had a sewing machine and so I get to buy fabric and play with patterns and it has a few luxuries like a foot pedal and everything for a portable little sewing machine. I’m pretty excited. It was what I bought for myself from some of the bday money my brother and sis n’ law gave me.

I also hang with my friends. This is my biggest reward. I know that is still a constant way to be out and about instead of just sitting still but it gives me great pleasure to hang with them, talk, and hear about someone else’s achievements, issues, and so on.  I have to get out of my own head and world sometimes. Sometimes moving at the speed of light is the only way that works for me! I will crash later!

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I Enjoy Learning…#GEEKALERT

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I am probably one of those weird people you pick on or laugh at because they just do not know how to stop. I enjoy doing research and sometimes to a fault. I find myself going down the rabbit hole and sometimes hours have passed where I only mean to spend a few minutes looking into something.

I have a deep thirst for knowledge. But do not get it wrong, just like with anything I enjoy what I choose to learn about. I find things that interest me. However, there are times that I force myself to learn about things that are relevant so that I am not ignorant to what is happening in the world. I do not like to look completely out of the loop in educated and sophisticated conversation when in my corporate environment. I also think that to move and groove in this world you need to understand that even if you do not agree with all the politics and judicial hoopla of the world that you should at least know what is occurring because it usually will affect you or someone you know in some way.

I have learned that it is best to have some tacit and fluid knowledge about these things so that when it comes up in conversation (and it will when you least expect it) that you can advise someone on it or give your take in a well versed manner and then bow out gracefully saying your piece and and sometimes it’s really just PEACE to prevent from taking a true side because you are not willing to.

I have found that with some of my friends, family, and co-workers they have brought up interesting conversations about every aspect of life. These things have affected them or someone they know or have weighed heavily on them in some way and they have voiced them to me. I may not have a true view or opinion of them but I immediately begin mulling things over in my mind and deciding how I may feel in my head about it. What I know about such things from trending things and books I have read and then if I can remember any articles or recent discussions I may have had recently. I typically do not watch much news (though I have been getting better about this lately trying to do so about 30-60 min a week). I know that may sound strange but I find that by looking over articles and finding supporting information I feel more scholarly like when I was in school and I can build a case for what is valid, reliable, and sustainable. My friends sort of look at me as someone who is a fact checker of such information.

I enjoy the unvoiced position I have be given. They asked me what I think about a particular topic and if I do not know about it, they feed me a few bits about it. I come up with my own opinions and thoughts, and then they ask me about it again in about 24-48 hours because they want to finish the conversation if they give me that long, LOL. They know I will look up the information and they know I will come with the facts and let them know if indeed something is debatable, worth looking into, and if it will become our next fb conversation to chime in on.

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I may not read the 1000pg book on science but I will read the 20-50 page scientific article on it. I also enjoy the lovely thesis papers and the almost fiction books that are partially based on it. Moreover, if you give me a documentary on it, a non-fiction book, or  biographical book on the subject i’m all in! I loved the down an dirty or plain and simple version of what really happened! I loved adding the tidbits that most people would never know from online and that most people would never remember from real life knowing the person or otherwise. It’s fun dropping ‘secret’ hints about things. I love that insider information that comes from learning. I am such a geek…Way to go parents…you succeeded!

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