I have officially decided to begin therapy again. My anxiety level has finally hit the roof and I can no longer control it. I feel like if I do not go back to therapy I will seriously do something that I may or may not regret…I’m not sure yet. Regardless, by going to therapy I can at least talk it through and feel better, have another psychologist in my head besides myself and stop going back and forth in my head. That cannot be good (the internal struggle is getting pretty loud).
I will say that the last time I was actively and consistently in therapy was high school (sophmore year). It was mandated by my parents because they could not fathom the things going on in my anxiety riddled head. I allowed a rather ‘genius’ kid to talk me into things I was not ready for because I was both in love and tired of the subject and a series of unfortunate events happened to say the VERY LEAST.
I went to therapy in college as well to be let out of my college dorm contract due to my anxiety and the constant roommate changes every semester due to roommates’ inability to pay, getting kicked out of school (addiction), and so on each semester for 5 semesters. It was sad and they kept waking me and keeping me up and since I was also diagnosed with insomnia I was let out of the contract as soon as they let me see the university’s psychologist and they were able to pull my high school records.
I also went to therapy from about 2nd grade to 8th grade due to social work to see how I was coping living with my aunt and uncle and changing environments with my real mother. It was interesting. I was never really sure what to tell them, but I hated re-telling my story with each new therapist since apparently as I got older realized they in school and doing their residency and so on. So I clammed up and eventually the ‘people’ went away because I was all better, LOL. I did not like it back then because I was pulled out of class or school every week at the same time and kids always wanted to know where I went and why. It was embarrassing. My brother and I became really good at manipulating the therapist back then…A really bad habit, to make them think everything was fine. Or evading questions.
However, now I have no desire to do this. I want them to guide me and I want to work on me. I have to know where this truly coming from. I believe I know for the most part, but I need a strong grasp on it. I need the triggers to ‘dissolve’ and I need my husband to come into the sessions and be guided on the behavior modification process as well. I cannot do this alone especially when I’m sure between this among other things it is wearing on US. Luckily our insurance covers this and so I believe this is all lining up the way it is suppose to. So here we go. That poor therapist…she will need a therapist after me…but then again 85% of psychologists need a psychologists so I am in good company…