So when you need to talk to someone, you really need to talk to someone. I went to therapy and having been someone who has been to therapy before I know what it feels like to have a great release and to feel unloaded and feel free and how it feels to still feel unresolved or even downtrodden. Yesterday I left the therapist’s office feeling a feeling like the latter. I guess it was more because she was giving me a kudos like I was ‘brave for coming to therapy’ which I see no stigma toward. Moreover, having been told about my high anxiety before dealing with acceptance and the need to satisfy others and so forth, it was weird to see that she was unable to pick up on certain things.
I was did not expect her to dig through my past or past files but to see me as I am now. However, when someone specifically asks you about a certain situation and what brings you in there then tells you that ALL your issues must and basically CAN only be related to that it is a bit annoying. I mean since you did not look into my past you probably should not try to diagnose me then. The words use were you only talked about issues regarding this situation…and my response was um yea because you only asked about that. I could go on in detail about other aspects of my life but that is not why we are here. That is not what is sending me over the top causing my anxiety to peak. That is not what is making me stutter why trying to understand how you could be so blind.
Moreover, I am still in shock (reflecting upon my own personality evaluations over the years for school and fun) how I have gone from other type and models to a dang near full blown type A personality. I feel it is directly related to the current situation in which I am sitting in this office yet we have not really touched this and I know this is only the first session and there is only 45 min in which to speak but gosh.
I will say that as someone who has studied psychology for many years and greatly enjoys it, I was a bit dejected! I will not say I know more than her by far because I am not versed in her modality but I do know how to use the DSM manual and when she pulled it out to try and diagnose me after 45 min I was not thrilled. Moreover, only to say that I had both anxiety and depression due to my issue. I guess it seems logical and I can accept it but I have always hated accepting depression because I am such a cheery person so when something or someone changes that it actually PISSES ME OFF. She tried rattling off the signs/ symptoms of what put me in the category of each but I did not need her to do either and stopped her (not trying to be rude, of course) but I knew that manual inside and out. I studied it too. Though news ones come out often we all know the newest ones, the new highlights, and the most common diagnoses. I was dejected because I accept anxiety but every time I was told I had depression it was so short lived no one even bothered to really ‘say’ it because it would be gone in 10 seconds. I just do not hold on to it. But she believes I have been so for several months of and on and that I have been ignoring it.
Furthermore, she also was like I commend you for finding ways to treat/ reward yourself. I appreciated her trying in hindsight for all the kudos…but at the time it seemed for much like she was giving praise to a child who drew a crayon drawing all outside the lines but you still like the drawing because they tried.
She kept reassuring me that it was good that I listened to her advice about matching up my therapists for the other things I needed that she does not cover that are more specialized and that she can be brought in on and that this was also brave. Again I felt like that child and felt that this was not just my responsibility as I am not the only person in this but I digress on that for now.
I will say that being overwhelmed I am in a world of hurt and confusion and honestly though I knew I probably would not get a full release yesterday, I did expect to feel some sort of weight lifted yesterday where there was none. I guess the only weight lifted was the one last week where I felt I found the therapist. Maybe, things will change when I see my other therapist/ hypnotist on Thursday. She will be my full-time therapist anyway. Maybe that connection will be better. I pray so.