Chains and Whips Excite Me, But flyswatters Are EVIL

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A few months ago I was at my mom’s house and one of the funniest and weirdest moments ever happened. I was standing in the kitchen when my cell phone started ringing. My ring tone at the time was Rhianna’s S&M. The music was loud, my mom and dad who are now senior citizen, learned the song probably from my ringtone, were singing and humming it as reached for it dancing and singing.

I thought to myself how strange a scene it was probably for most people to have their parents not only hear such a song but to sing the song and laugh at it. My mom was like you are a pervert and laughed. My sister and brother who was just in the other room made a comment to the effect of she would (she meaning me). They have always been in awe of how I managed to bring my parents into more modern ways and ‘break’ down their barriers. But it’s not so much that as it is the same with all older parents and the youngest child(ren) the parents are tired. They give up/in they just say screw it and go with the flow. That child is going to be them and they are going to love them so why fight so hard knowing that they have older siblings to help guide them if they get too crazy, LOL. It’s true, my parents did an AMAZING job with them so any possible faults there may have been with me I know to look to them to get something right for myself, though my sister says she ain’t seen that day quite yet, LMBO. I told her it has happened at least once with each sibling and they just don’t know it but I do! They need only ask and I would reveal it.

Anyways, back to S&M! We are all dancing and humming about chains and whips exciting me and me liking it as some random caller rings me. THEN I glance to my left and see IT. The orangish/reddish/pinkish (it seemed to change color depending on my mood or perhaps the day) butterfly shaped fly swatter. It had butterfly shapes within it as well. It sent me into a slow motion daze which seemed to go on for like 15 minutes but in actuality probably only last 3 seconds.

In that time I thought about the my not so graceful and honest moments as a child and pre-teen. I may not have had many but you did not need many where that butterfly weapon was involved. It may not have been the same because it was not cracked in the middle of it’s spine when it was broken over my limbs that looked like they had been seizing like an electrified animation. But it was the same brand from the same store. My hives began to throb and I almost imagine they were the same butterfly shaped welts that would develop later to remind me liars deserved to be popped. It stung more than anything but you learned not be anywhere near the kitchen when you lied. If she had nothing at least you had to go to your room for her to cool off and maybe you would get grounded. But that stupid butterfly of doom. I mean you always thought butterflies were peaceful like rainbows and unicorns…but not me…I don’t go flitting about after butterflies.

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I literally flinch every time they come near me in parks and such and my husband laughs. I never realized it until the day with this ring tone. I will watch them from a distance and think pretty but I rather watch a bird. Butterflies are tricksy

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When time sped back up I shuddered and thought, sticks and stones make break my bones, but chains and whips excite me, but BUTTERFLY SHAPED FLYSWATTERS ARE EVIL!

 

I’m Awesome!

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I refuse to believe anything less about myself! No this is not part of my therapy routine I have not started yet, lol. I simply believe this about all that I do and embody. However, there are aspects about me that I do not like, just like everyone else. I simply believe that with all that I do I friggin rock and sometimes I feel like I should toot my own horn.

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There are days like yesterday where I am on it. I somehow manage to get everything going in the right direction and moving and still have a smile on my face. I set up several appointments for myself and my husband at different offices through a series of phones calls and emails. I had a conference call that seemed to go on forever and the way my attention is set up sometimes I struggled so hard to pay attention that I actually managed to pay attention at the right times. DO NOT ask me how that happened.

Then I was able to still manage to get all my work done on time and still keep my stress levels down. Though my strength and mind were totally on ‘E’ I mean I felt like I was happy as a lark and oblivious to everything but very tired and ready for a good ole nap all day.

I was still on a roll though. I got all this accomplished, moved through the day. Kept my cell on my hip and constantly in play (multitasking master here) because I was making constant moves/ appts. Then when I off one job went straight to the other things seemed to move in slow motion. I didn’t put my bluetooth headphones on like normal to play my music/ receive calls and I felt naked and sluggish. I knew I would still get through the job in time because I had managed to get there in time to get done by the time I desired even after staying later at my full-time job to make up time for earlier in the week. I was still on a role but boy did I want my music. When things started to slow down mentally I did have to give in to one snapchat moment where I documented work feeling never ending. Then I got back on it and kept going.

I finished and saw a text from the hubbs…and though my day was great his was not as on point but I didn’t let it spoil my day because funny enough (and maybe not so nicely) it was a gloating moment for me. He says, “guess what, I broke my glasses”. I’m thinking to myself the same glasses that you misplace several times a day, that you throw about haphazardly roll over on the floor in your sleep while napping on the floor, don’t wear protective goggles over while working in landscaping? Those? The same ones that you have broken a trillion times and the last time we went to get them fixed they said they probably won’t be able to fix them again because they are so far beyond repair…THOSE? Then your eyes are so bad that you squint even with them on…And you got those like in 2008 and when I say you need new ones and we have insurance just get new ones you keep putting it off…saying you will and each time they break you say I should go ahead…I keep saying before the next time they break and they say they won’t help you because you are not a client of theirs or that they are beyond repair…

Well sometimes…I told you so is just not enough! LOL. So he is rocking a rubber band over his frames right now. I do not feel bad at all because I have designer frames for way cheap from an awesome place (America’s Best) 2 pair during their sale and you get 3 years of free eye exams for $99 and he won’t even go in for that. Silly man! Sometimes you have to drag men kickin and screamin to health appointments…I never thought it was that serious or true…BUT GEESH! I feel like I should be enetered in the Austrailian wife dragging husband race competition. At least there are prizes and recognition for it. Him and the eye doctor thing is ridiculous to the point of hilarity, I’m like what do you think is going to happen in there man? Can’t be as bad as your ER trip a few months ago for a scratched cornea. That was one of the funniest days ever, though at the time he wasn’t laughing!

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But even he admitted last night I was awesome on top of everything last night because I still didn’t say, “I TOLD YOU SO” I just giggled at his rubber band and said what did you put in the oven? He laughed and said well there is enough for you and can I have one of your powerade drinks and we talked about all the appointments scheduled which one of them SHOULD have been an EYE APPOINTMENT for GOLDILOCKS!

And It Begins…

I have officially decided to begin therapy again. My anxiety level has finally hit the roof and I can no longer control it. I feel like if I do not go back to therapy I will seriously do something that I may or may not regret…I’m not sure yet. Regardless, by going to therapy I can at least talk it through and feel better, have another psychologist in my head besides myself and stop going back and forth in my head. That cannot be good (the internal struggle is getting pretty loud).

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I will say that the last time I was actively and consistently in therapy was high school (sophmore year). It was mandated by my parents because they could not fathom the things going on in my anxiety riddled head. I allowed a rather ‘genius’ kid to talk me into things I was not ready for because I was both in love and tired of the subject and a series of unfortunate events happened to say the VERY LEAST.

I went to therapy in college as well to be let out of my college dorm contract due to my anxiety and the constant roommate changes every semester due to roommates’ inability to pay, getting kicked out of school (addiction), and so on each semester for 5 semesters. It was sad and they kept waking me and keeping me up and since I was also diagnosed with insomnia I was let out of the contract as soon as they let me see the university’s psychologist and they were able to pull my high school records.

I also went to therapy from about 2nd grade to 8th grade due to social work to see how I was coping living with my aunt and uncle and changing environments with my real mother. It was interesting. I was never really sure what to tell them, but I hated re-telling my story with each new therapist since apparently as I got older realized they in school and doing their residency and so on. So I clammed up and eventually the ‘people’ went away because I was all better, LOL. I did not like it back then because I was pulled out of class or school every week at the same time and kids always wanted to know where I went and why. It was embarrassing. My brother and I became really good at manipulating the therapist back then…A really bad habit, to make them think everything was fine. Or evading questions.

However, now I have no desire to do this. I want them to guide me and I want to work on me. I have to know where this truly coming from. I believe I know for the most part, but I need a strong grasp on it. I need the triggers to ‘dissolve’ and I need my husband to come into the sessions and be guided on the behavior modification process as well. I cannot do this alone especially when I’m sure between this among other things it is wearing on US. Luckily our insurance covers this and so I believe this is all lining up the way it is suppose to. So here we go. That poor therapist…she will need a therapist after me…but then again 85% of psychologists need a psychologists so I am in good company…

Meeting Halfway

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I am a firm believer in HARD WORK! I believe if you work toward something and you want it bad enough that it will happen. I believe that sometimes it may not always come in the exact way that we expect but it will come because it is what we deserve because we reap what we sow. I just do not believe that someone can put in so much hard work and not be rewarded for their hard work. I don’t care if the only reward is that altruistic feeling of feeling amazing from knowing you did the hard work even if no one else knew or recognized you for it.

I helped people often and that is not to toot my own horn, because I cannot remember all the people I have helped, when, where, or with what, but it is to say that when I do I usually do not look for anything in return.

However, there are times that I have learned that you MUST. Though my dad has taught me many things in life, it has been my mother that has had to teach me that I cannot allow those that I am in a relationship and those that I work with take advantage of me. My dad would warn against people in the family and friends true, but my mom would warn against the more intimate ‘evil’. The ones that are harder to stand up to. The ones that prey on women a bit easier. Men do not have to deal with this as much so it was only right she be the one to teach me and my sister this.

My mom taught me that you had to learn when to say NO at work. You had to know your hard boundaries and not allow people to always make you feel like you were to do every project and all of their work simply because they asked you (whether you had spare time or not). Some people would become too reliant on you. It was okay to help sometimes but doing work outside of your scope of work too often without pay and recognition as a minority can be a double edged sword. Sometimes, it led to promotions and raises but that could be rare. Many times it went unnoticed and you were being altruistic. I did not mind it until I found that I was becoming burned out and could not always understand why (especially after being diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis). When I was made to make a list of my duties for both my evaluations and because my mom thought it was good idea before my evaluation I realized I was doing other people’s duties far too often.

The same is true in a relationship, when you find that you are doing more work and not working together as seamlessly as you should and that balance is off. It can become frustrating. When you are picking up the slack and making excuses because you find that you are having negative spillover from work and then you are just allowing everything to get out of whack, this is not good. You have to keep positive balance at home and work. Open communication and let your spouse know that things at work need to be corrected; however, things at home need to be corrected as well.

My mom taught me when dating to look for people who were willing to give me the world, but also had control. People may say that’s selfish, but it didn’t mean that I was not willing to do the same. I was always willing to do the same and that was the problem. I was willing to give someone the world and yet they had not always shown themselves worthy. They had not met me halfway and worked hard to prove that they were deserving. If then they did, they cannot stop, they must continue…because relationships are constant work and communication.

HOPE: Power or Danger

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I have learned in my life that HOPE can be one of the most powerful things in this world. When you give someone HOPE you have truly given them the seed of something that can be wonderfully amazing or horribly tragic.

When you give someone HOPE that needs it in a time of tragedy then it can be the most healing and amazing thing ever. It can help them overcome most anything and they can excel and use this power to put all their energy, pain, and efforts into positive and prolific movements. They can create unique establishments that resolve issues that have never been solved because they have been moved by HOPE. They can take on projects that will one day become the next telephone, cure for hepatitis, heart surgery, and so on because they cannot stand to see one more person say it cannot be done or watch one more person die.

However, HOPE can have the opposite and most dangerous effect for people who are not worthy. In domestic and abusive relationships the spouse who is not hopeful will watch and the hopeful one is the one who is abusive. They know you will not leave and they get more emboldened by this because each time you stay after the first initial encounters you prove that they have the upper hand. If they do it one time they are likely to continue because without help (professional help) they cannot control themselves. The are left unchecked and they realize you are not going anywhere. They know you will allow them to disrespect you. You will allow them to say whatever, whenever, and do whatever because at the end of the day all your threats are empty. You will not go anywhere, you will not do anything. Even if you do time and time again you just take them back. They have HOPE. You gave it to them without even knowing it; by your actions. They saw the trend. So they get comfortable and until you finally break it and it does not happen anymore they will not believe you.

Remember, abuse happens any many forms, physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally to name a few. When someone understands that you have truly had enough, they will start to waver in their HOPE, but only when you break the cycle. Prove you mean business, get a circle of protection and help. Show them you are not going to stand for it. I know this is easier said than done especially if you have let it happen for so long. I know that there was a human person in there you loved at one point and some of you may want to salvage the relationship. So this will take time if you choose to, but that requires outside help because obviously you were/ are not able to do it alone. So get that help, getting help offers you HOPE. That gives you power and diminishes theirs over you. We all deserve to have control in our lives and when you feel  you have none at all, this is a horrible feeling. When you lose the ability to feel creative, ambitious, and compassionate, you need to regain your HOPE!

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Excitement…Where is it?

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I have lost my excitement and I do not know where it has gone. I usually can look at my bucket list and be renewed, art supplies, or new books…but that has not helped lately. I need a swift kick in the pants. I need a change of environment as well as a some serious R&R. I need a therapeutic escape with no thought to bills, work, housework/ chores, or the doctor’s appointment.

I just need to be in peace. It does not take much for me. It could be a simple beach trip, meditation trip, or spa trip. I do not require much. I just know that a few days away with a friend or 2 would do me some good! I need this in my life right now. Heck I may not even go with a friend. I may just go by myself and skype and call friends while on the trip and just be by myself. Sometimes you just need to go and coordinating time with others can be too hard and stressful within itself. I do not need to try and go out everywhere and plan dinners, lunches, and adventures, just go with the flow, and rest. I owe this to myself and sometimes going with friends can make this difficult because the need different things and I do not want to slow them down or stop them when they may need the ADVENTURE right now. I just want to relax. Maybe go to a pottery class or do something very low key and fun.

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If they are on the same agenda, then float on with me, if not, there will definitely be other times and other trips. This is not a husband and wife trip, lol. This is a self-discovery and relaxation trip. An all by myself or girls only trip. I need to find my sense of wonder and excitement and men make you WANDER and worry sometimes because they tend to become a bit disorienting with their, where is my?…did you see my? are we going to? Is this the? What are we going to do? What’s next? When? I’m Hungry! LOL Nope, I plan on catering to myself only on this trip! I’ll be leaving him at home to fend for himself. Hopefully it won’t become the total dark ages in the time I’m gone.

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Dominant Independence to Vulnerability: Letting Go

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Life really knows how to throw some turns your way. I have always been as someone who was/ is strong and independent. However, once being diagnosed with MG those who know me well know that I have severe moments of vulnerability that have broken me down to that of a newborn babe to explain to terms that are completely adequate. I have been on breathing tubes, intubated, and feeding tubes. I have needed someone to wash me, catheters to help with lavatory needs, and people to help me re-learn how to speak, walk, and function each time I have a crisis.

When you go from one extreme of personality to the next it can really take it’s toll on you. You have to trust people, and not only do trust them but trust that they love you and understand what to do with this this love and trust. However, I have recently learned that sometimes people who I have given this trust during these vulnerable times have not really known what to do with it and therefore I feel they have misused it and for lack of a better word crapped on it. I feel they have taken it for granted and not realized that when someone is that vulnerable they can also become very easily changed in an instant based on how you treat them in those instances if they realized you have not treated them well during those times.

I have had friends that I trusted to care for me in some ways during this time whether it was as small as a phone call to check on me or as big as a helping me move. If they could not commit, they had to go because I trusted them to keep their promises and commit. I was extremely vulnerable and communication is everything during these times.

The same is said of family and spouses. I cannot go on pretending that people want to be in my life if they do not. I cannot allow people to be in my life out of convenience to THEM. I have far too much going on for such things. You have to choose to be in or out! But if you are in, my thought is that it must be a two way street where both parties are always trying to some extent and that this is communicated on in some way no matter how vague. Even if it’s the, “I trust you to be the friend that flakes” friend. I’m just saying everything has to have it’s standard and communication is the key. So with that said…when communication has failed, trust fails, and love hangs in the balance if it was ever there in the first place.

We must be careful of what we show people, because actions speak louder than words. Lip service has become the norm in society. We tend to say things before thinking, and though we sometimes mean well, people take our word for it becasue they want to believe the good in us. So then when it does not come to fruition they are left with disappointment and when this becomes a pattern and the norm what are you to them? Why do you speak? Why should anyone believe anything you say? Your word is no good! Your actions may speak louder, but if they only happen at your timing and sporadically people cannot find pattern in this nor comfort, so why trust in you? When someone is vulnerable they need stability and they need to be able to trust others. If they cannot trust in someone and know that you are a stable person, why are you there?

Will you find yourself being a selfish person standing in the way of someone’s healing, love, and stability because you refuse to see who you are? Know who you are and grow! It took me a long time to be okay being vulnerable and even longer to know that it was okay to put people out my life that had been there for so long that were no longer contributing to it. Can you do the same?

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