Depression is ALIVE

I have to admit that for me this is unnatural but very real. I am struggling with depression. I usually have a down time for about a day and shake it off but I can honestly say it has stuck for longer than that this time. It’s starting to affect my perception of how I see things. I am seeing the down side of things constantly. I am seeing the negative picture.

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Where is the beautiful flower? All I see is the missing aspects of it! I’m longing for every moment of distraction, my book writing, my games, my reading, talking to my friends, because the problems that are there are not being fixed and not fast enough. They are not even really beginning to be fixed because I’m stuck in a constant state of anxiety. I’m constantly waiting for the next screw up since that is all that appears to happen and all I have seen in the past.

As a person who is used to showing grace and mercy often, this is causing me great cognitive dissonance, but the trending information I have received from the situation has caused me so much distress I can’t help but feel this anxiety and depression now. Moreover, I have lost faith because there has been little to no attempt to show habitual change, compromise, and effort to reduce my anxiety from the parties involved.

The biggest problem is that I believe I have already dealt with/ stayed too long in the situation letting it reach the apex where I have become someone I don’t like being, a person I used to be. Now I have agreed to try longer at least 3 more months to see if this can be resolved yet  have no idea if I can control my emotions or actions long enough to even be be fair (not that anyone would fault me if I was not).

I will be speaking to my therapist about this today but I believe I have a good idea of what she will say about this…

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12 comments

  1. pixieannie · April 7, 2016

    What are you trying for three months? Are you taking medication to help with the anxiety as well as talking therapy? Do you find that exercise helps…even walking? I know that when things are bleak, it is difficult to even comprehend moving from a place of certain safety and comfort.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lady CAS · April 7, 2016

      I’m trying to continue stay in my marriage. No I am not on medication for my anxiety. I tried medication when I was in high school and it actually bothered me more to be on the medication. Exercise worked better. But at the moment I have not been able to exercise due to multiple jobs (full-time and part-time) and having an auto-immune/ neuromuscular disorder. SO I am hoping that this helps because if not we cannot continue. I am worn out from being and doing everything on my own for far too long 😦

      Liked by 2 people

      • pixieannie · April 7, 2016

        Ok, that makes sense. I understand the condition and realise its limitations and ability to leave an individual barely able to function. Perhaps short periods of mobility exercises and yoga with the focus on breathing. This could take just 15 minutes and wouldn’t be too taxing on your central nervous system.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Lady CAS · April 7, 2016

          Yes I miss yoga! I need to get back into breathing exercises Pilates may be better for me right now.

          Liked by 1 person

          • pixieannie · April 7, 2016

            Whichever suits your lifestyle. Something is better than nothing.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Lady CAS · April 8, 2016

              Yes very true, but I feel so much better today after my session yesterday. 🙂

              Like

      • Nena · April 7, 2016

        It pains me to hear you are going through this:( You are usually perky and bright so I do hope and pray for whatever would be best for you so you can find that peace and cheer once again.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Lady CAS · April 8, 2016

          Thank you so much. I feel 5x better today after my therapy session yesterday. Not as positive as usual but much better. I also had a breakthrough in my hypnotherapy, able to visualize a create a new happy place. It was amazing and the highlight of yesterday.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. finesseh · April 7, 2016

    Oh love, we have so much in common it’s not even funny. I’ve just started therapy a month ago. Depression is something else. It can leave you feeling like a hollow shell when all you want is to be “normal”. I’ve battled it for a long time and things in my marriage have not helped. I finally broke down and sought help. You’re in my thoughts and I’m pulling for a swift recovery for you ♡

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lady CAS · April 8, 2016

      Yea that’s about when I started too, lol. I have battled anxiety most of my life but depression is something I rarely deal with. I have helped others through it but personally I have short bouts of it. This is one of the longest times I have dealt with it. I have had few long encounters with it. One other time I can remember having a long encounter is when my brother of which you personally know as well went to prison nearly 10 years ago and it put me in the worst place emotionally and mentally I could be for a long time. I am definitely holding you you close to my heart and hoping for a swift recovery for you as well. I am seeking help for my marriage more than anything because for me I am not worried I have been in therapy for me before, but this time luckily it’s not me. He has admitted it and so I feel somewhat better…I have hope that we can be a testimony hardwork and love. Keep your head up God will bring you through better than before.

      Like

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