Here is a prompt from Pixie Annie that I am trying…
You are in the waiting room at the doctor’s surgery when the guy sitting next to you, collapses on the floor. Everyone else in the room stands and stares, all the doctors are busy with emergencies…over to you.
I cannot believe this guy just collapsed beside me! This couldn’t have been a longer day…I’ve been up since 4am working out in the freaking elements, where high winds were stinging my eyes and whipping the sheets of rain across my face like sand. Unfortunately, my job goes on and I was found pulling weeds, mulching flowerbeds, cutting grass with a small machine since a big riding one would leave ruts and divots with this rain, and building one gaudy overpriced pond in the middle of a four acre estate. I mean seriously who still does that. I was waiting all day for my boss to call us in for the day, but no such luck. Then, because it was just my luck, I land myself in the hospital because I got hit in the head (don’t ask me how because I honestly do not know), which is bleeding pretty significantly as head wounds tend to do, and can’t remember anything besides what I did today.
Now this guy has collapsed and I feel as if I know something about him that should help but I’m not completely sure. No one is really paying attention so I try a few things. First, I look at him, he looks like any other Asian guy except I can possibly guess his age. That seems a bit weird but some people are like that. I touch his arm and see if he moves, nothing happens. Everyone in the rooms is still staring or otherwise preoccupied with their own lives and therefore too busy to help. I’m thinking this is a negligence lawsuit waiting to happen.
The man stayed there like that for another 30 minutes and before I knew it he started to come around just after a quiet lady in the corner made a strange noise that sounded like a cross between a sigh and a whistle like she was missing teeth while sighing too hard. Was it that easy to heal him, I almost want her to whistle closer to my head. Everyone sort of sat back down over time and the doctors still ignored the man. Eventually a nurse came over and checked on him and took him to the back. Then it was finally my turn. Unfortunately, the sigh whistler didn’t heal me I still couldn’t remember a thing!
Fast forward 3 months later…
I started to get my memory back and sorted through all my things and belongings after getting out of the hospital. I learned that the Asian man was a con artist that had targeted me when I walked into the hospital. He heard my symptoms upon check-in and used that time to pickpocket me and steal my wallet and insert all his information with his team of criminals in the hospital (those staring bystanders who didn’t help). They made a fake ID and copies of all his information and mine in that time frame and swapped them and put them in my wallet. When I returned home, my credit and my life was in shambles.
As if being in a hospital for 3 months not knowing who you are wasn’t bad enough, then you wake up and remember only to be unsure when you want to know return home to find such a mess. Who would want to come home to outrageous bills, maxed out credit cards, and luxury trips that you never took. Explaining this to creditors, banks, insurance, and the security companies is not easy when you first have to convince them that you were also in the hospital and that you were under the wrong name because you had partial retrograde amnesia (hey I could remember how to speak, eat, walk, and so on so I wasn’t a complete case here people).
Though I still had to pay some of the things, some companies allowed me some grace due to proof of the hospital bills and pictures from the hospitals now required when you check-in with the new Epic system. Unfortunately, it still ruined my credit. I wanted vengeance. It came sooner than I thought…
My first day back to work my boss called me to a new home to create a waterfall feature in a pond, with both a zen and rock garden with bamboo accents. This was going to take all day. Last minute the owner came out (which usually doesn’t happen since everything is usually done through contracts with the boss) to ask me to add in some Japanese cherry blossom saplings. When I saw the man’s face I instantly recognized him as the con artist. He didn’t seem to recognize me, the mark of a constant con artist. I kept my composure. I told him that I would call one of my workers from one of the other locations to bring over the saplings right away.
In actuality, I called homeland security, who involved the FBI and the local police because they had been looking for this individual for quite some time. Indeed justice was served. I felt like Scooby Doo and the gang foiling his plans when he came out in cuffs and then several other members whose faces I’d seen in the hospital that fateful night followed him as well. I knew they’d be going down at least for my case.
When questioned later, the con man said he called the landscaping company he found in a wallet that he stole from a while back. However, he would’ve remembered the name if it was me, but it had my bosses name on it, as the owner, because I hadn’t had mine made yet. He decided to give them a try well you know what they say about karma.
Myasthenia Gravis 
I absolutely commend you for taking up the prompt/challenge. I am thrilled that despite not wanting to use the subject matter, you went ahead anyway…be proud of yourself.
You’ve already said in one of your other posts that you aren’t terribly comfortable with dialogue and so this is what you will now need to focus on in order to move into your uncomfortable zone. Dialogue will allow you to move forward at quite a pace.
The following is not meant in any other way than to help you from this point onwards.
Avoid the use of fluffy words like, eventually and actuality…they add nothing to your story.
You have a good imagination, this will be your best friend.
You are ‘telling’ your story. Now, what you need to work on, is finding the ability to ‘show’ and to leave something to the imagination for the reader and to leave them guessing.
‘I cannot believe this guy just collapsed beside me! This couldn’t have been a longer day…I’ve been up since 4am working out in the freaking elements, where high winds were stinging my eyes and whipping the sheets of rain across my face like sand. Unfortunately, my job goes on and I was found pulling weeds, mulching flowerbeds, cutting grass with a small machine since a big riding one would leave ruts and divots with this rain, and building one gaudy overpriced pond in the middle of a four acre estate. I mean seriously who still does that. I was waiting all day for my boss to call us in for the day, but no such luck. Then, because it was just my luck, I land myself in the hospital because I got hit in the head (don’t ask me how because I honestly do not know), which is bleeding pretty significantly as head wounds tend to do, and can’t remember anything besides what I did today.’
In this paragraph, you’ve told the reader everything about a whole day. It’s confusing at the start because I assumed you were at work when the guy collapsed. You need to set the scene first, describe the waiting room and give some information as to why you are there in the first place. Keep it succinct and describe, describe, describe. Keep your point of view quite short and sweet.
For example:
I can’t remember the last time I was sat in a waiting room with sick people. Hard wooden chairs sitting barely an inch away from each other in neat little rows. The woman in front of me is holding a small boy who is occupied with two fingers up his left nostril.
Here, you are setting the scene, you’ve got the reader in the room with you. Allow them to picture what is happening but don’t be tempted to tell them or they’ll likely up and leave.
I realise this sounds like I’m nit picking but my intention is purely to help you improve.
Bravo again for going ahead with this. Now, I’m going to suggest that you write it again and I realise you are going to hate me for this but the work really starts in the editing. Think about what I’ve said, add in some dialogue, you can make conversation with any number of people around you.
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No this is not nit picking this is amazing and very helpful. I asked for your help and I honestly appreciate it more than you will ever know. I need this guidance it gives me colorful description in a way in which I was unsure of how to express and now I have a better picture and hope to employ it the next time I write. Thank you so much! 🙂 {HUGZ}
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I am more than happy to give you as much time as I can spare, in between the living and other stuff.
If you were to write this from a third person point of view, you might say something like this:
Dan sat alone on the back row in the crowded waiting room. His kaki green shorts barely covered his muddied knees. The cut above his left eyebrow was only just visible to the naked eye but Dan was looking for any excuse to leave work early. The boy sat in front of him had two fingers lodged in his left nostril while his mother pouted her lips and took selfies to upload to Instagram for likes and gratification.
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lol i love it
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I too commend you on your considerable effort in reaching to meet this challenge – not easy, but faint heart never won fair literary maidens and all that. There isn’t more to add than what pixieannie has already admirably suggested; the mantra of show not tell, learning to think like a camera as it captures a scene, snapshot by snapshot. Dialogue too is of vital importance and correctly, as stated, can do a mountain of work for you as a writer to move the narrative along at pace and to change tempo etc. It also allows the reader to hear the character’s voice which is different from hearing it through first-person exposition; it shows how they interact with other people and in so doing reveal much about their personality, opinions, beliefs and a whole host of other traits and characteristic that you’d otherwise be left to ‘tell’. Don’t forget, what someone actually says, isn’t always what they think or feel. Therein is your natural tension and suspense which then can be elaborated on through your exposition and to advance the plot of any story. Keep practising, keep writing, and if you’ve anything to ask or would like some assistance then please do not hesitate. Very well done. M
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Thank you so much! I am still trying to get a great grip on this dialogue thing and researching it GREATLY because I need WORK on it. not just to work on it. I know how it should work from how I have read in books and how lovely it does progress a book and makes me feel the scene and I’m not TOLD how the scene is going to be like you would tell an actor before the scene. So now I have to ACT it not tell it. I just have to figure out how to do a better job and that is making me very SCARED for lack of a better word…I completely stopped my creative process since last week and have not moved forward writing instead just sort of laterally doing little research on characters and moving in that road until I can come out of this stupor… feel a bit muted or stupid that I cannot get this I feel this should be easy but I just mentally am struggling lately UGH
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I’m sorry to hear that you’re finding things tricky with dialogue. There are techniques one can use to enable you to become more proficient in writing dialogue. Understanding the difference between the spoken voice and the voice that is written as dialogue is the best place to start. I’d be more than happy to engage in a tennis dialogue exercise with you just to assess the probable difficulties you are experiencing. This would involve a quick half hour or more session, inbox to inbox via email. Given that writing fiction is a rather big and complex world, any aspect of it, character, scene, POV, could not sufficiently be covered through comments and replies as here. But there’s nothing to be scared of, least of all one’s limitations, we all have them, and we wouldn’t improve at all if we didn’t challenge them. It’s entirely up to you. M
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That would be great. My email is lady_cam_ecu@yahoo.com
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Completely agree with Pixies comment. I love where your imagination led you, from a man collapsing to identity theft, what a fantastic plot! But I felt that more focus was put onto your day than what was actually going on in the scene. I also agree with the show don’t tell aspect. This is something I constantly get told in my writing workshops, I think it’s something to do with my anxiety where I feel the need to describe everything accurately, however I’m getting it drummed into me slowly. It’s much more fun for the reader to be shown and fill in the gaps than just be told how things are. Looking forward to seeing the second draft!
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