Dr. Amnesia- Draft 2

Here is a prompt from Pixie Annie that I am trying…

You are in the waiting room at the doctor’s surgery when the guy sitting next to you, collapses on the floor. Everyone else in the room stands and stares, all the doctors are busy with emergencies…over to you.

 

I have never seen a more haggard and disheveled group of individuals. The woman across from me was in her pajamas with a bathrobe and a scarf sitting in a wheelchair moaning incomprehensively about rabbits and astronauts. The man to my left smelled strongly of booze and he was drooling on my shoulder covered in dirt and what appeared to be blood from where I couldn’t tell and wait! What now? I cannot believe this, this guy just collapsed beside me!

This couldn’t have been a longer day…I’ve been up since 4am working out in the freaking elements, where high winds were stinging my eyes and whipping the sheets of rain across my face like sand. Unfortunately, my job goes on and I was found pulling weeds, mulching flowerbeds, cutting grass with a small machine since a big riding one would leave ruts and divots with this rain, and building one gaudy overpriced pond in the middle of a four acre estate. I mean seriously who still does that. I was waiting all day for my boss to call us in for the day, but no such luck. Then, because it was just my luck, I land myself in the hospital because I got hit in the head (don’t ask me how because I honestly do not know), which is bleeding pretty significantly as head wounds tend to do, and can’t remember anything more.

Now this guy has collapsed and I feel as if I know something about him that should help but I’m not completely sure. No one is really paying attention so I try a few things. First, I look at him, he looks like any other Asian guy except I can possibly guess his age.

I nudge the alcoholic. “Do you know this man?”

“Yes”, he says, “li, li me lone.”

He chuckles passes something from hand to hand a small machine and goes back to sleep.

That seems a bit weird but some people are like that. I touch his arm and see if he moves, nothing happens. Everyone in the rooms is still staring or otherwise preoccupied with their own lives and therefore too busy to help.  I try again.

“Um excuse me ma’am, but did you see anyone come in with this man?”

“IF THE DAMN RABBITS FLEW THEN THIS WOULD NOT BE AN ISSUE OF NATIONAL SECURITY AND THE ASTRONAUTS WOULD NOT BE NEEDED IN THE GROUND” screamed disheveled woman

“Right!” I said. And she turned dropped something on the floor the skidded toward another patient.

I’m thinking this is a negligence lawsuit waiting to happen.

The man stayed there like that for another 30 minutes and before I knew it he started to come around just after a quiet lady in the corner made a strange noise that sounded like a cross between a sigh and a whistle like she was missing teeth while sighing too hard. Was it that easy to heal him, Was this part of her ailment, why she was here. I didn’t care. I almost want her to whistle closer to my head. Everyone sort of sat back down over time and the doctors still ignored the man. Eventually a nurse came over and checked on him and took him to the back. Then it was finally my turn. Unfortunately, the sigh whistler didn’t heal me I still couldn’t remember a thing! As I was being rushed along I noticed the small item that was skidded across the floor in her hands, I was glad she was going to give it back to the lady, though in her state she probably did not even notice.

Fast forward 3 months later…

I started to get my memory back and sorted through all my things and belongings after getting out of the hospital.

“Sir, the con artist targeted you when you walked into the hospital. He overheard your symptoms at check-in and used that time to pickpocket you and steal your wallet and insert all his information with his team of criminals in the hospital — those staring bystanders who didn’t help” said the FBI and Homeland Security Agents who took turn telling me about what happened. “They are part of a professional crime ring that make fake ids and sell or use them for their own gains and it only takes 15-30 minutes.” They continued.

As if being in a hospital for 3 months not knowing who you are wasn’t bad enough, then you wake up and remember only to be unsure when you want to know return home to find such a mess. Who would want to come home to outrageous bills, maxed out credit cards, and luxury trips that you never took. Explaining this to creditors, banks, insurance, and the security companies is not easy when you first have to convince them that you were also in the hospital and that you were under the wrong name because you had partial retrograde amnesia (hey I could remember how to speak, eat, walk, and so on so I wasn’t a complete case here people).

Though I still had to pay some of the things, some companies allowed me some grace due to proof of the hospital bills and pictures from the hospitals now required when you check-in with the new Epic system. Unfortunately, it still ruined my credit. I wanted vengeance. It came sooner than I thought…

My first day back to work my boss called me to a new home to create a waterfall feature in a pond, with both a zen and rock garden with bamboo accents. This was going to take all day. I was also praying I didn’t en up with another head injury.

At the last minute the owner came out (which usually doesn’t happen since everything is usually done through contracts with the boss).

“Hello, your work has exceeded expectations; however, I have one more requests that I will gladly pay more for, could you please add cherry blossom trees along the walkway?” Asked the owner.

When I saw the man’s face I instantly recognized him as the con artist. He didn’t seem to recognize me, the mark of a constant con artist.

“I will call one of my workers from one of the other locations to bring over the saplings right away,” I calmly stated, keeping my composure.

In actuality, I called homeland security, who involved the FBI and the local police because they had been looking for this individual for quite some time. Indeed justice was served. I felt like Scooby Doo and the gang foiling his plans when he came out in cuffs and then several other members whose faces I’d seen in the hospital that fateful night followed him as well. I knew they’d be going down at least for my case.

When questioned later, I had one question for the con man.

“How did you end up calling the landscaping company I worked for?” I asked.

“I called the landscaping company I found in my wallet which I had kept as a memento from a wallet I had stolen from while back. However, I would have remembered the name if it was you, but it had your boss’s name on it, so I decided to give them a try. If you are going to lead two lives you really have to lock one away while the other exists or the two can get confused as they did here.” Says the con man.

I just reply, “Or it can simply be karma.”

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11 comments

  1. mvitrano · April 12, 2016

    Well done!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lady CAS · April 12, 2016

      Thank you! It’s a work in progress and I am growing prouder of my growth as we speak. I have a ways to go but I learning and applying it makes me happy. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. chandler877 · April 13, 2016

    There is a definite improvement from the first draft here and you should be very proud of your efforts. The inclusion of dialogue can often lift a piece of work, but like all things it must be used sparingly and in direct corroboration to the needs of the story. Therefore the placing of dialogue within scene is of more importance than, arguably, the use or non-use of this most valuable of writer’s tools. The reader has to be made to feel the conversation is one of importance and a vital ingredient to the overall narrative arc of the story. Fiction consists of three major elements: description, narrative summary, and immediate scene. Dialogue is always written in immediate scene, so if it’s written in the past tense the description and narrative summary has be exceptionally good to go from ‘now’ to ‘then’ and convince the reader that that recollection being relayed is worthy of inclusion. But the moment one goes backwards momentum is lost and so is suspense. It’s like given the punchline to a joke first. And what is said must carry an element of suspense too; that is very important, having a character say that they will order saplings is an unnecessary use of dialogue. There are many great books out there which really can help a writer understand and develop their craft, John Dufresne’s, The Lie that Tells a Truth; Steven King, On Writing; Sol Stein’s, Solutions for Writers; and Normal Mailer’s, The Spooky Art. There are thousands more. I’m sure if you read these books mentioned your progress as a writer would show marked results in next to no time. Very well done. Mark

    Liked by 4 people

    • pixieannie · April 13, 2016

      The Lie that Tells a Truth is a must have as far as I am concerned. This book arrived in the post from someone very close to my heart. It’s invaluable as a tool that you can dip in and out of at any time.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Lady CAS · April 13, 2016

        Ahh so I will read it (as I was going to borrow it from the library) but it sounds like one I should probably buy for a reference then.

        Liked by 2 people

    • Lady CAS · April 13, 2016

      Thank you! I will put these on my to read list immediately as I am currently in a reading challenge this year it will help me reach my goal!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Lady CAS · April 13, 2016

      Thank you I am in the midst of a writing challenge and this will help me reach my goal and improve my writing, lol

      Liked by 1 person

  3. chandler877 · April 13, 2016

    Go for it. One must read everything if wishing to write well. Stephen Pinker’s great book, The Sense of Style: A Thinking Person’s Guide to Writing in the 21st Century, is another must read. As he states, right at the beginning of the book, ‘Good writers are avid readers. They have absorbed a vast inventory of words, idioms, constructions, tropes and rhetorical tricks, and with them a sensitivity to how they mesh and how they clash.’ And just keep writing. Never give up. You can do it. Mark

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lady CAS · April 13, 2016

      Thank you. I love reading so that’s not ever going to be a problem, when I get frustrated or need to relax it’s my go to, which is more than I can say for writing, but I am trying harder to fix that but trying to do some writing at least every day even if just a few hundred words.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. The Happy Healthy Kiwi · April 14, 2016

    This is great, you can see vast development from your first draft which you should be proud of. I liked your use of dialogue and I disagree with Chandlers comment about the sappling dialogue being unnecessary. I felt that part was important as the character was using it as a cover to get away to get to the phone. I especially liked the ending when you said “or it could be karma”.

    I wonder if your second paragraph about the characters day is necessary. It tells us in great detail about how the characters day went yet later in the story the character is revealed to have no memory. It does give us a little insight as to how the character ended up in hospital however, so maybe could be tweaked to discuss how the character feels like they had a long day but all they remember is waking up in an unfamiliar place (work?), grubby (because of the type of work) with a sore head and people fussing? Just a suggestion.

    I really enjoyed your first paragraph too, it drew me in right away because of the interesting people around the character. And the flying rabbits lady? Awesome. Keep it up ☺

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lady CAS · April 16, 2016

      Thank you I felt the same way but I was not sure how to go about it all…I warned PixieAnnie this prompt put me into a weird mindset because of my immediate thought to want to over analyze it because of my medical/ health background…then again that’s me anyway. I HAVE to let readers follow their own imagination and I am working on it.

      Liked by 2 people

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