CLEANING DIARIES: Part I

So one my side hustles is cleaning corporate buildings on the side. It’s a pretty good gig. However, as with any job there are things that just make you want to scream or scratch your head. I have been trying to find ways to relieve my stress from this job without losing this job because it is a pretty good little side gig that I have done in the past with my dad when I was younger and I find it fairly easy though it can be more than it is worth some days.

THIS WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS…

Let me first start with saying that my parents always taught me that even if there is hired help you still clean up behind yourself and do not expect anyone else to do it. Now with that said in office buildings and such the reason they contract out for help is because it is not proper to ask employees to be responsible for cleaning blinds, windows, vacuum floors, etc… However, some things we as adults need to take responsibility for!!!

When you get to work and more than half the people are still there…yet they say you can enter after a certain hour. Well that’s all well and good but it is a bit hard to clean the men’s restroom when they keep walking in on you and already pulling at their zippers and half of them not even attempting to acknowledge that you are in there, a female, or would rather NOT see them relieve themselves!!! UGH! I run out of there dang near screaming each time like no way buddy this ain’t my cup of tea!

Then there seems to be a SERIAL POOPER. Sorry no other way to put that! But who poops on the seat, the back of the water tank, and everywhere in between! I’m sure everyone in the office knows who this person is too.

Then there is the I can’t seem to get my trash in the trash can people…I mean you have a personal trash can at your desk that is about 16in tall and a foot wide and you cannot seem to hit it. Then you see the trash on the floor because it’s OBVIOUS and you just leave it. I’m like, “so you just gonna leave both empty bags of chips, that tissue, and all those hershey kiss wrappers that seem to be all over the entire workplace on the floor not even NEAR the trashcan.

Then you go in the break room and see sinks of dishes which thankfully is not part of my job and they have a dishwasher.

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Why aren’t you using it? Moreover, you still expect me to scrub the sink underneath it, which still means touching and moving all your dishes and then replacing them. Seriously!

How does that make your workplace look better, or really smell better since the dirty dishes are still there sometimes for the entire week? Then you wonder why you have all sorts of critters in your buildings…Let me interjects and say it’s not purely because of all the nature around you. Some of these critters I have never seen in my life and look like something out of an alien movie.

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I mean what is that? Will it impregnant the children of my unborn if I were to get pregnant? I swear it is looking for a host! There are only like 4 women in this whole office…I’m just saying!

I think I will keep my headphones in and my mouth closed and I may even stick nose plug on just in case! I mean I already wear 3x shirts (so the sleeves are longer) or long sleeve shirts, pants, gloves, and sometimes a hat so my skin does not come into contact with anything there. Some people have their desks cleared/cleaned and ready for me (even if only once a week so I can wipe it down), some clean other’s messes trying to stack dishes (they obviously didn’t use 5 cups). The poor admins must be responsible for some of this I know especially in common areas like the break rooms and the meeting rooms. I can tell the few who are/were raised with common sense and responsibility; but overall, I have learned that when given the opportunity, PEOPLE ARE GROSS!

*Stay tuned for the next episode part II has some other interesting topics you won’t want to miss!

 

 

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Anger Vs. Anxiety

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Look at the two pictures above! You may have seen the movie Pixar Movie Inside Out. It’s about emotions and internal thoughts. Well from first glances the 2 characters could be reacting the same way or the same situation. However, if you saw the movie, you would know that the character on the left is Anger, and the on right is Fear (anxiety). Each get to run certain aspects of our lives. However, you do not want any one in emotions to fully control all aspects of your life. Thankfully this has not been the case for me.

However, I have had a tough time differentiating between some of my emotions as of late. There are times that they seem to give off false senses of effects or symptoms that are very similar to those of my anxiety from the past and I have misinterpreted them. For example being so angry that my heart rate begins to beat rapidly, I start shaking, I get spots before my eyes, and may even get short of breath and begin sweating.

But I realized later that upon calming down that the shortness of breath may have been because I was either holding my breathe instead of breathing calmly instead of a panic attack. I was trying to prevent myself saying something I should not (in mot cases). Then from all the stress and reactions I usually end up with a nice size migraine later. It’s all very magical later when I see halos and feel like I have gone a few rounds with a boxer.

I am sure that my anxiety kicks in when I believe that I am having an anxiety attack; however, this is only when things have gone way too far (very rare). Yesterday for example, I became so angry it took me hours to calm down. Once I finally did I finally realized the difference between my anger and anxiety.

I believe the reason it has taken me so long to find this separation/ link it because I have never really allowed myself to openly become angry. I feel it is so taboo to become angry and to lose my cool since gaining such a handle over it in towards the end of college. I worked hard on myself then and now I am quite embarrassed when I lose my cool. So it is hard for me to come to terms with the actual triggers, ‘symptoms’, and effects of it. And of course later I feel like I have been the bad guy because it’s not like me to be this way; though I always wonder if the person who caused the anger ever feels that way?

I always wonder this as usually people who are naturally negative or angry people ever feel like I do–Super embarrassed, ashamed or remorseful for being angry or being quick to anger. I feel that anger is an easy out and one should try their best to stay cool, calm, and collected to be able to see all sides of every situation and offer valuable insights and contributions to any aspect/ situation. But I feel like the negative or angry person could care less and I just feel really bad for them and wish I could help them see this is not the answer in life because it narrows their thinking and of life.

Now I am not saying you can never become angry;  however, being angry all the time or wallowing in it is not good. One must learn to do so in a healthy way. I have learned that the way I did so yesterday was obviously not the best way. Also bottling it up is not healthy either. You can write, come back and talk about it later (once things are calmer), go to counseling (anger management), go exercise, and so on. Now that I have pinpointed that this was anger for me I am able to handle what triggered it and address it. Now I can back to joy and more varied emotions!

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The TUG of WAR

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I have been battling the biggest battle of tug of war in my life and it is all within myself. Usually we struggle with good and bad or right and wrong. However, sometimes things are not that clear cut and black and white. Sometimes they are what is right for you at that time…If you pray on it enough, it will be right for all parties eventually.

The struggle I have been having was that AT FIRST, I was finding it hard to even pray over the situation. Now I can at least find comfort in God again. This definitely makes me feel better about things. However, I am still fighting an inner struggle as I have an issue of trust between me and the relationship that is in question.

When you lose trust, you wonder if you even want allow yourself to try again with the person if they have been given many opportunities as a friend or lover and they continue to take it for granted as if you HAVE to STAY there. You start saying things like I could text them and ask them how their day was? Or ask about their family? Or ask them their plans for the weekend…Then you say well it works both ways and I have been the only one doing this before and then I got nothing. You wonder if you are being selfish, childish, teaching them a lesson, or punishing them. You wonder if you are giving trust where they do not deserve it.

Then you wonder if you give this small token and try again will they assume everything is back to normal and begin where they left off…making you feel less than what you are, disrespected, friendless, alone, lied to perhaps and a bevy of other emotions and epitaphs.

So then you ask, why would I, or anyone else have this huge tug of war and not just cut the person off? If only it were that easy. We all say it is that easy. But it is always easier said than done until it is you and it takes you longer than normal to realize it was you getting taken advantage of. When I was younger it used to take me a long time to realize it. Then I got smart and would cut people loose before either of us were really attached and therefore I never really felt a loss. However, now as I age I have found that sometimes, those that you keep in your life  longer than a season may be catfishing you.

They make you think they belong when in fact they do not. Moreover, those that are ‘supposed’ to be in your life for the long haul and grow with you can be so taxing that sometimes you still have to let them go because their growth is more like a leech. With God this growth may be harder but it should still work; however, you get people who are so negative and venomous and not ready for change that they suck all the good qualities right out of you and you struggle to get back to being the person you were and they do not know how to give anything back to YOU to help you once they have used you all up and become better for themselves.

The funny part is rarely do ‘friends’ that you must cut off ever really fight to stay in your life once you decide to cut them loose because they got everything out of you that they wanted. However, this time I guess the reason I am struggling so much is because this person is actually fighting to stay in my life. Again considering that I am not related to the person, this says a lot, but it also says that I can still cut them loose at anytime to protect me from further harm. No one deserves to feel as though they are being forced to stay in a relationship out of obligation no matter the type of relationship.

Sometimes the obligations come in the form of duties such as children if you are married, or if you are friends the fact that you have known each other since elementary school, or because they saved your life or helped you through a difficult time in your life. However, we all can outgrow someone and you do not have to stay becasue of those things. Even children. You can still make arrangements and be amicable for the the sake of the kids but live your own lives separately for happiness.

I still have not made a decision and it have been a few weeks dealing with this struggle. Obviously there are other reasons involved that I would rather not divulge at this point. However, I will say that since the trust was broken, I feel I have a right to take my time making my decision and that it’s ok for me to feel this way right now. I believe it is normal for me feel torn between wanting things to be right but not being ready to let this person back in yet since they hurt me and have not proven themselves worthy of trust yet. They have not earned it back and I do not feel ready to begin showing even small strides on the levels that I know I could do because I do not want WANT to. I just feel that is not fair to give that person what they desire when I have been lacking for so long and then as they try to give it now, it feels its only because they have screwed up and are losing me…This may not be, they may truly have learned their lesson but I need to see this change indefinitely before or at least consistently for longer than a few weeks before I make any movement on my part.

I know this sounds a bit harsh and even down right stubborn but, when you are talking about matters of the heart, one grows tired of being hurt and in and pain and will do whatever it takes to prevent it from happening again! I hope am able to get to a point of forgiveness for myself or the person for my own sanity! However, this does not mean that the person gets to ‘stay in my life’ just because I forgive them, only that I have found peace and can coincide with them amicably and move on.

 

Orlando Club Lives MATTER

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I’m not a preachy person, BUT! In light of the recent events of Orlando and the tragedy there, I just want to remind people that no one is least of all myself is perfect and could have been in a similar situation just because someone felt they do not like something about you places you in some sort of ‘horrible’ demographic.

I have been in a gay club with friends and NONE of us were considered gay. We were there merely to have fun and not feel the normal pressures of over aggressive guys trying to pick us up, especially when the club is closing and they are trying to get you to go home with them. I couldn’t stand that in college…I only danced with you man…GEESH.

Anyways, my point is, that regardless if all the people there were gay or not, no one deserves another human’s judgement when it comes to life and death. One has no idea what repercussions they cause by making such a call. More so, we all likely know, are related to, may have been, or, even love someone who is gay and so this should not come as a surprise that in this day an age that though it still may not be accepted by all, it should be acknowledged that they are still humans that have a right to life and love.

Again, I am not saying you have to be tolerant or accepting. I am saying to love your neighbor to life! Live your life giving them a great example and hopefully by leading a great example the things you believe will be accepted by them in turn. This shows what you will allow and what you will not. I apologize for the rant, but I have heard/read a few extreme comments about ‘those’ people targeted in the club and it just burns me up that they are given less value because they were gay in the commentators’ opinions.

Mastery of Life and Career

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So when I was in psychology courses during my masters programs it taught me that when given gradually increasing responsibility and autonomy that one gains mastery over their environment, job, and requires increasing challenges to become an expert. Many studies proved this point. It is partly due to the intrinsic nature of what they are doing and the trust they are given. This requires a certain amount of trust on both the employee’s part and the employer’s side. The employee must prove that they can handle the responsibility and be trusted to do the work and if they cannot handle it, that they can use the resources around them to find the solution. Moreover, they have to be trusted to actually be doing work when not being supervised.

On the behalf of the employer, one has to be trusted to give rules and expect the employee to stay in those bounds and not micromanage. They must also be fair in pay and dealing when giving out responsibility based on scope of work and so on.

I believe this is true in a relationship as well. We need to understand that control works both ways just as within a career. One needs to be able to control one’s job just as they would a relationship. Each individual has to control what they allow to stress them by creating rules and boundaries. Moreover, each person needs to do a lot of observing.

You could have a spouse that is so use to others in their past that were so all over them always asking where they were  (or even you) that when you learn to stop doing it that they EXPECT IT. SO when you stop and learn control and patience they actually have a problem with it. They start believing you no longer care.  Because they associated that behavior with you caring for them. When in fact it was insecurity and you learning how to be more secure and enjoying life more with yourself (learning to be at ease alone…not clingy or being more trusting).

For me, once my husband got a car of his own when we were dating and learned that I did not like him being out all hours of the night and started keeping normal hours, he no longer got crazy phone call from me. He then could not understand why I did not blow up his phone. I say because I know where you are and unless you lied I assume you are fine and I have other things to be doing right now. It’s not that I do not care but, you said that is where you would be and I believe you and have no reason to be worried because you are busy right!?! It baffled him. My dad says man you just do not care! But I think it is because he has had similar dealings with my mom and over the years she has become the same way. LOL! We are trusting you to be doing what you said, and as an added bonus we have learned to be extremely happy doing something else while our busy husband are elsewhere since they work SO MANY HOURS and are so busy and now you are interrupting that now let me get back to my book, wine, nap, blogging, friends, crafting, or other activity I have found to do, LOL.

I also use to say good morning to him almost every morning before we started dating and when we first started dating and send him silly messages. But he was always too busy or focused on someone or something else to answer. Unless you really just do not look at your phone all day because it has to stay away (which is my day most days) it takes 10 seconds to respond and say hi or say I love you back or something silly. But he would ignore it. So now I do it too him sometimes and he gets to see how it feels and I said it doesn’t feel too good does it. You did it too me for 2 years. I am just giving you a taste and you can barely handle it.

I have learned this much about observing my husband, he like any man is sensitive. They try to pretend that they are STONE. But they are not. They are soft as pudding. They show you in a million ways when their feelings are hurt by acting out. They can be just as moody as women but then deny it. I do not baby and coddle my husband but he has learned to stop saying to me the next time I am doing something show me because I will. Now he knows every mood. He is fully aware now, LOL. However, I do not rub things in face (ok not as much). I try to let him work things out for himself and mature in that nature. However, it needs to be in growth. Just as with a career, we have to learn that we cannot just shut down and ignore our colleague or boss because we are upset with them. Especially in the case of being upset with your boss you have to learn to find ways to work in the same space with them while working through your anger, so you learn skills that will get you through the moment. If it’s breathing in 6 counts, holding it for 4 counts, and letting it out for 10; taking a short walk; changing the subject if possible; talking through your anger; finding your happy place (envisioning a place of serenity).

Are you the master of your life?

Peanut Butter Dreams and Prince

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I have learned that I let my emotions run me sometimes and sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes this is a bad thing. Last night it was an interesting one. Lately my dreams have been fueled with all sorts moments that trippy moments but the funny part is when I woke up remembering most of it I think to myself how normal that dream was. As in yea that should have happened, or could have happened. Or normal as in yep that is my life knowing fool well that I did not, have not, and in some cases could never happen like last night’s dream…but I could infer what it meant, LOL. But dang I wanted to be Prince’s Wife UGH!

Last night I was married to Prince and we had an amazing house and He was playing on a huge projector screen and I was Beat TO THE GAWDS honey. When I tell you I was fly, I was gorgeous and I do not say that about myself often. I felt amazing. And then I felt I had to keep up costume changes with him. And to say that standing next to PRINCE is saying something child. I mean he was all kinds of gorgeous! I was showing off our new house to my family including my now husband as if he wasn’t really my husband but sort of was but in my mind I was like um not legally no more because I’m HIS, LMBO.

I mean I had already been so close to the man and was hugging on him and kissing him and well we won’t get to graphic, lol. But I will say being a fan of Prince for so long I think I finally had my way with this man.

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Later in the dream, true to form he even threw shade at me for walking his brother out to the limo as they were leaving and his ‘little’ brother had his arm around me trying to be fresh and I corrected him. I had to play it off even though he ‘reprimanded me’ but I liked it in a Christian Grey sort of way. I was waiting for him to get me alone and ‘punish me’. Oh boy! Yea I may be a lil twisted but Prince could do no wrong in this fantasy! YUM!

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But then one section of our house was a mess and then another and I kept closing doors and trying to cover it. And the other room I was in, my changing room, was also messy so I just kept the door closed while dressing. I felt like things were falling apart a bit at this point of the dream and just woke up because my fantasy was falling apart. I do not like disarray. It disturbs the realism of the fantasy because as a rich couple it would never be that messy. We would have people for that or clean it ourselves because I like order. So it woke me slam up.

I wanted to try to go back to sleep after I realized I woke up an hour before my alarm clock to see if I could get back to sleep to relive the earliest part of the dream. That felt right. I guess that’s what peanut butter crackers just before bed will do to ya.

Many of my dreams have been similar to this lately. They may be in my normal setting (environment) but I’m married to a celebrity or person I have known for a long time that I usually have not considered on that level before. Or I’m in a different environment I’ve never known with people from the past that (even if they didn’t work are somehow working in the fantasy). And like I said I wake up like meh. And keep trucking. Then there are days like today where I just want to bask in the dream and sleep for a few days or live in that world instead (minus the mess).