So I have grown to learn that we all have something that we are afraid of. I use to think I was so fearless and I think that comes with this things called our teenage years and 20’s. Then we get a bit older and realize with our responsibilities and threat of death that we are indeed afraid of things that we may never have been afraid of before…But the fear mya have always been there.
For example, you may have told your friends when you were younger that you were not afraid of frogs but then you relaize as an adult that you do have a strange fear of them. You wonder how this was possible that you never had the strange irrational fear they your friend did when they were younger running and screaming as children. Then you realize it was because you never really encountered any or that you did not have that traumatic encounter until you were an adult (stepping on the frog and almost slipping and falling on it). The latter would be me. I stepped on a frog and since then when I see one I can watch it, and stare at in an enclosure, but I give them an unnaturally wide girth when I see them in the ‘wild’. I have no desire for that to happen again. For some reason that experience freaked me out and I just can’t deal with frogs the same again.
Next came my fixation with needing to not only do my job but do it the best I could. It wasn’t about sucking up as some people may have seen it, but about trying to figure out the best way to do my job the most efficiently without having to do twice the work. I wanted to create my own best practices for myself in a sense. So it was a frustration for myself when I failed or got behind on my work…When I say behind the deadline usually had not come yet it would still be a ways off but it was past my personal deadline of when I wanted it done. I prefer to get things done 1-2 weeks ahead of schedule s that if something is a team effort or someone else relies on me to get my information done so that they can glean information from me for their reports they will have it in time. Moreover, If it is a project they can because I get them done so early so they can look at them and tell me what modifications they would like so they can still be done in the original time frame.
So for me it’s part of the organization fun but it also helps take some of the stress off my mind to know it is done in advance. It has nothing to do with sucking up. But the problem comes in when I care too much about what others think, or care about when it comes to when I need a break. I care so much that I let others take time off, or worry about what they will do when I am not there and how it will affect them. My friends and some family say you should not because they do not do that for you but some do. They change their schedules for my treatment and work around me when I feel ill when and do not create a hostile environment for me because of it. However, I get what they are saying and I have to start remembering what psychologists and governing bodies of some of our other countries have been saying for years; vacation is not a luxury it is a necessity. You need it to recharge. Some countries offer up 30 days of vacation per year and that has nothing to do with a graduated service to the employer that is just standard…I mean seriously and that doesn’t even include the paid holidays. I feel like I truly need to become European people. If they take me…A visit is one thing, staying is a different matter altogether, LOL.
Stay tuned for part 2 of my fears and frustrations…yea there’s more, LOL
Myasthenia Gravis 