So I had a realization recently that may have been noticed before by others but was not quite understood by most. I think it was mainly because I did not even understand it. I have to finally get this off my chest as I have hinted around it for many months. I am going through a divorce and though I have gone out of my way to make sure my blog has not been linked to my social media portals that his family are on to give him time to deal with that, but I will no longer continue to mute myself. I use my blog as my way to deal with my anxiety and relate to my readers. In saying this, I had one of the worst realizations of my life the other night…
I blogged many times since being diagnosed with MG about how I started having strange sensations. Like not liking to be touched, or my skin crawling, and the inability to bear cuddling, and my moodiness/ hormones. I researched for weeks on end. I talked with my team of doctors and they confirmed that the medications I was on could cause this because I was not like this prior to MG (or so I thought). However, my mom and a few other people reminded me I was and showed me video and recalled times when I said or did things with my soon to be ex that was before MG saying do not touch me and so on.
I realized I lost affection for him before my MG. This was before my marriage and though I do not know the exact moment I know the things that triggered it. But I only realized in the last few weeks (very slowly) that it was HIM that was the issue and not my MG as I didn’t mind my mother rubbing/ massaging my back. Or friends touching/ hugging me. Other people could lay on me and it didn’t bother me either including someone I am quite smitten with (whom I didn’t start seeing until I was separated for over 6 months). They are/were both aware of the situation before it ever occurred. Not that I should care what people think but in my head I was done in my marriage before my separation started. My therapist says I started that process maybe 6 months to a year before I came to her based on the things I told. I had to do something to cope so hanging with my girlfriends, dating myself, and finding myself and fun was the best way.
I was just baffled. I felt like a crap but then I said well, the triggers were the reason and with those triggers who could feel close to a person. I will not go into detail but know no person wants to feel lonely or abandoned in a relationship. Now I lost myself again due to a snowball of bad events again…I am no used to being depressed and I know that this is what this is. I just have never really acknowledged it before and let it soak in.
I am also a person who has a bleeding heart and knowing that I felt completely taken advantage of in this whole thing. People kept asking me why I stayed as long as I did and the truth is the same answer I always give…I care too much about what happens to the other person. But now I must move on and do what makes me happy. I stayed too long and the misery has got to end. I have to enjoy me and stop trying so hard for someone who could not reciprocate that for me.
I mean you have to go out of your way to make it where I won’t speak to you ever again. Almost all my exes are still a friend or associate. They are willing to help me or hang out anytime. However, I am not sure with this one…this will time if ever because I am too stressed by this person. Maybe it’s due to how disrespected I still feel. Somethings can roll off my back but some things are quite important to me and sorry doesn’t erase how stupid I was to let it happen so long and I think that’s why I am so durn angry. Every time he speaks I get mad because this is what I advise against and I let it happen to me. UGH. I was that person this time.
My therapist says she believes that I would not go back to him, she just knows the reason I am so upset is because I cannot stand the thought of what others think and to an extent that is true. I only wanted to ever be married once. I wanted my FAMILY. He desecrated that in my mind. No matter how he did it. I have no regrets so I feel happy knowing that but I hurt knowing that I must try to feel like I have no idea how to have a regular ADULT relationship again.
I do not know how to take a compliment. I actually get embarrassed and I don’t mean a little bit. I mean like I want to dive under a couch and never come out. I’m trying to get better but man I relapsed this weekend and tried to play it off in a bookstore and was sure I died twice. I just knew my heart stopped. I was trying to distract him as best I could to stop his rolling commentary of compliments anyway I could. Eventually I grabbed his lips clasped them together, LOL. It was strange but effective as the poor cashier was actually giggling the whole time probably thing she was going to tell her friends about this as soon as she got off.
Moreover, I do not know how to let a man take care of me, pamper me, or take any sort of lead. I do not know how to relax and stand down. I do not know how to let go. It scares the hell out of me. I just cannot trust this. I am told I should try but I feel like if I try and they fail they will just prove my point…my heart is literally feeling like a humming bird thinking about it. Please don’t fail!