Forgiveness

I have recently learned that because I am a fairly happy person it bothers people when they realize they have done something to hurt me done so much damage it could seriously break a person. However, I take it in stride and even if I don’ they won’t see me falter. I smile in their face, show grace, class, and forgive them for they know not what they do in earnest they are too far gone or ignorant to realize how this will play out for them in life and I move on.

CASE 1:

My boss tells me that he let it slip to our Regional Director I was late due my car breaking down on the day of my interview for a promotion. I can’t remember if this is what he original told me, I thought he said it was another day but still, he said was asked if it had happened before and it had just days before being the same issue. He asked why he hadn’t documented it. He stated because I followed protocol and I’m guessing because it did not really interfere with operations that much. He is an honest person and felt horrible. He said he only said something because he was going to cancel our call because (which was the interview because he thought I was not going to make it in time.

If I had known that now I am not so sure I would have still interviewed. I also learned that he also preferred my APM’s answers since apparently she already does most of the jobs the position calls for. She knew what the position needed. Though my answers were good my PM says and not just mumbling around, she knew exactly what the client wanted because she has been to the meetings. She had the advantage. He (my PM and immediate boss) said he was proud I wasn’t complacent and want to push hard at work. So I feel like though the RD says my write up had nothing to do with it, it did. When he asked, will anything prevent you from fulfilling the role of this position, it was like he was inviting me to say my car or attendance, knowing this already…I just didn’t know it at the time.

I have to get a new car last minute. Like who wants to do that.

Case 2:

Getting a divorce you learn that if and when you have to speak to the soon to be ex, you want to ask close ended questions (yes or no). However, that still doesn’t stop them from playing on your bleeding heart. I say did you do blank? As it directly relates to something important the we are both still tied to. Again I just need a yes or no I remind the soon to be ex. He answers and then adds with way more than is need about this that and about how the world almost ended in the process. Then when I do not respond, accuses me of not caring…actually I can’t care. I cannot do this with you. I did it for years. However, when I had an issue you could tell ANYONE when I was sick and play it up to them but the reciprocity was not equal and I will leave it at that.

It’s hard going from someone who showed too little emotion to someone who is so intense. And though he may not truly be that intense and I may be imagining it, it seems that way because I felt so forgotten for so long. So I only speak when it is important and after this week nothing more will be said. I can hardly believe it. legal papers are sort of magical. I refuse to stay mad because my life is too important. I must move forward. I have to forgive him. So this week is full of meditation and forgiveness. I know it will take time to get through all this but it’s not really him I’m forgiving but myself for letting all this occur. I am honestly just angry because I let it happen. SO in the last week as I have gotten calmer and happier I can see light and I am slowly letting go. It took my mom’s grand advice so I could do it RIGHT. Now I can move on the way I want to.

It feels good.