I’m Not Beautiful…

So after a lifetime of soul searching and and understanding I am very comfortable with who I am physically! I know my worth and I love the way I look! I can say that with conviction! However, and I am sure there are many women out there who can agree, even when you heard your parents say it,  you did not believe you were beautiful growing up.

They may have said it when you came home crying about the children teasing you, or when you went to prom, your graduation day, wedding and so on. They meant it; however, your thoughts were/ are they are your parents they had to say it and may have even been they did not say it enough.

Some parents may have felt that saying it too much may have caused the child to be too conceited and shallow. However, this may be a good thing in some cases. This can prevent a child from looking for that justification from friends and those that wish to become sexual with them.

They use this as a means to get in their pants because they can sense the insecurity. They shower them with compliments, charming them into a sense of caring, love and affection that seemingly far exceeds what they have felt or been shown before and they fall for it. They are not used to being pampered by someone who will cater to them so getting little things done like their hair, nails, clothes, or spa treatments makes them feel special and desired.

They have only been ridiculed for everything else. I was once this girl. I was always picked on for being the nerd. Don’t get me wrong I am still a nerd/geek and proud of it. I value education like none other! But I was so insecure about my looks from being cut down by some family and so-called friends and being confused about my body that I was too insecure and naive for my own good. Now don’t go getting the wrong idea, I was told I love you and I was beautiful, I just simply believed they had to say it as parents and didn’t understand the depth and value of these words until much later.

Parents should openly discuss things no matter how it makes THEM feel. Their desire to be upset, or think things are wrong only makes matters worse. Saying what should not happen scares a child from talking. I understand this is how they were taught sometimes. But sometimes it takes saying this is a no judgement zone where we can talk about anything time…is there anything you want to ask me? tell me? start doing? stop doing? do more of?

Because as children we need help with guiding questions and conversations. We need the talk about alcohol and drugs. We need to understand how we feel about sex without just being told NOT to have sex. We need to be able to discuss that we have feelings about sex and what to do with those feelings. We need parents to be honest and give us real world examples and help us. Shutting us down and not answering us makes us feel like they do not understand, are lying to us, or refuse to hear us. Though as adults we understand why they did it, we also know/ learn that there can be better ways (though some people still choose not to go that route later).

I will tell my child often they are attractive (handsome/beautiful), but that school comes first. They will have opportunities to talk to me (but as open as we are) I am still your parent. They will know the importance of family and understand the what it means to have a strong work ethic. They will respectful even when I am not around because they are representing me and our family everywhere they go and they will be honest because it is the right thing to do not because someone told them to or someone is watching. And they will probably be a bit goofy because they are my child!

Creative Reflections

Have you ever had a dream that was so crazy that you knew that if you could get it down on paper that it would be the best short story, book, or movie ever? Well I have many dreams, daydreams, and thoughts like this. But I have learned that my best ones come when strangely when I am in my limbo or even drug induced states (prescription of course).

This morning was one of those. I was on a roll, I was in full creative swing I had sang about 3 songs with full background vocals and they had music/ beats. I also had 2 more fully orchestrated scenes to a play that were just amazing. It was just so cool. I was like a full on producer/ director in my head.

The con was that I kept waking up because I was restless from the medication and because I kept thinking if I just go back to sleep I can finish this and hopefully remember it all…


Maybe if I wake up and run and get my recorder and put it near my mouth I can sing it/ or talk through it I can get at least some of it down. I may just have to buy more than one recorder so that I can sleep with them near each bed in my house so I do not lose these creative moments. It;s just like when I was younger and I would wake up and immediately write down poetic thoughts and eventually over time they would turn into amazing poems. I now have a pretty nice poem book (which I should probably start doing this again).

Writing early in the morning and as soon as I remember my dreams always seems to give me inspiration. I have been doing it seriously since junior high school and it has been quite soothing to my soul.

Let the creative juices flow

My Season is Coming

When you live in the south especially growing up in the church you commonly hear the phrase, everything has it’s season or your season will come when you are down on your luck or when things are just not going your way. They say that God already has a plan for you and that once your season comes you will get to reap all the benefits of all the good that you have done.

Sometimes that down on your luck bad season can last for more than the traditional ‘calendar’ 3 months for my young kids who are out there reading this. It can last 6 months, a year, several years, or even decades. You just never know. It can be tough to know that you are in a state of limbo while waiting on this bountiful season to come about. You sit and wonder if you can do anything to make it come about sooner.

I mean the answer is always yes! But I know I am a good person and I work hard, I’m not selfish and am told I could actually be more so as I tend to put myself in a bind by extending myself too much.

So then you start wondering if your faith is strong enough…

I pray everyday, I try my best, I try not eat healthy and treat my body right, okay I am spiritual but not religious so I do not get to church as often but um yeah that adds up.

Then you get everyone telling to just be patient! And you are like…

I’m like the most patient person EVER, I coached swim teams of over 100 kids at a time from ages 3-17 years of age for 3 hours straight 3 summers in a row. I worked with the mentally disabled for several years. They keep saying it to you after your reaction…S then you try to save face and find yourself just

SO then you try to save face…

Because I am just not believing that I am hearing them tell me this for the 100th time and somehow I am still not getting it and I am still stressed and my anxiety is begins going through the roof. I begin thinking something is wrong with me. Like why has it been days, which has turned into weeks and now months.

I had actually become the one I was always telling my friends not to be! I was shocked. And they had started shoving my own advice down my throat and even saying it was my advice and how good it was and reminding me and it was indeed a BIG HARD pill to swallow!

However, when I decided my coarse of action and finally just accepted that I was going to take the curve ball the God had given me and stop resisting…

It all started coming together and my season began ripening right before! I had to go through some things I had never really gone through before and have some revelations I never had before. I needed to experience those life lessons to become stronger, to pass on wisdom and to become a better person. I needed to learned to better value some things in life as well.

I am sure there are many more things in life for me to learn but I pray I don’t have another hard season like that one for a while…I felt sort of like Job (bible reference for some of my Christians).