Three Day Quote Challenge

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The Challenge

Hello, friends. I am so pleased to tell you that I have given this awesome adventure by the amazing Jan, over at Super Jan, to participate in another fun challenge, this time, the ‘Three Day Quote Challenge’. For the next three days, I will be posting a quote with significant meaning to me, and maybe it guide, encourage, or aid some of you out there as well. I will then be choosing three special followers each day to participate (only if you want to, of course).

For today’s quote, I chose something from the repertoire of the infamous Ralph Waldo Emerson. This is my favorite quote. It is so simple yet so deep. My parents have always taught me to follow my heart and to be whatever it was that I chose to be no matter what that was. I believed that it was possible, they never put a cap on those dreams. EVER! They let me experiment with every idea and notion I had growing up. My biological mother definitely did the right thing there in leaving me with them. They never faltered in their ideals in teachings of no ‘ceilings’ of what one could do! If I could not figure something out I was able to create my own way. The way did not have to already exist! Did this sometimes get me in trouble over the years, yea, but the same could be true of activists and scientists! Were there other ways to go about it, sure. But, if I weren’t so radical about my actions, would I have been given a second thought? Likely not! Sometimes one has to be bold and strong in their very core and being to exist and start a new force among the blank and endless stretch of complacent sameness.

Now, here are the rules of this challenge::

  1. Post in three consecutive days.
  2. You can pick one or three quotes per day.
  3. Challenge three different bloggers per day.

I would like to nominate the following three individuals to participate in the ‘Three Day Quote Challenge’, if they so choose:

  1. I am Assentive
  2. LoveTrips
  3. Tyrone Pierre

I really hope you guys will participate, and share with your internet friends some quotes that have had an impact on you in some way. I look forward to reading your posts, and to sharing more quotes with you all!

Thanks again to Jan for inviting me to do this challenge, you guys should definitely check her out, she is such an awesome person.

Thanks for reading, friends.

Chris

A Breakdown for A buildup & I Want EGGS

Everyone always says how strong I am. Both physically and in spirit. I always think to myself maybe physically but I am not that strong spiritually surely not! They say we mean to say you are resilient. I say I guess. I believe them in hindsight, but as I am going through things it is always a bit harder to see. I always have to give myself a bit of a self-talk and say yes I have been through this or that and I can get through this now. However, when it comes to Myasthenia Gravis…to me there are days I think of it like a cancer. I just want to be like my friend and say F Cancer. He use to say it all the time when his brother was living. His brother was strong and a fighter and even when he was on the Up swing he would say it. His brother was famous and was all over the t.v. and I never got to meet him but my father worked with him and I met his brother while working at my current job before he left.

Well last night I said it…I said F Myasthenia Gravis. I was tired of feeling like a slave to it. I usually am so mild about it. Not just in front of ‘audience’ but behind the scenes too. I have to stay strong for my family and never let them know how much it hurts to feel inferior. To feel WEAK. Someone who felt like a athlete who has to feel side-lined. I am not sure get that back and I want it so bad. I have to get back my swimming. I have to get my life back. I have to get ME back.

I said F Myasthenia Gravis because I am tired of having moments when I am not sure why this or that is happening. I cannot always track why something has happened to me because I am an anomaly among fellow myasthenic people. It’s always a mystery to the doctors what is happening to me. I never blame them just work around it.

I saw F myasthenia because it makes me cry. It makes me break down when I want to be happy. It makes me scared where I had no fear. It makes me wonder if I am going to die from something as simple as the inability to clear my throat. Something most people take for granted. You all probably do it without thought often. But when I am symptomatic I do not even have the strength to do that. So then the mucus forms and gets stuck and I am choking. If I cannot calm myself and relax and gain enough strength or get to my suction machine in time, I am in deep trouble. Yes anxiety which I suffer from makes MG worse! YAY me! And believe me calling an ambulance does not help because they will NOT suction you unless they see an object so they just keep talking to you and asking you questions (it has happened). Being certified in CPR/FA I get it but they do not understand MG and they honestly have no idea what it is. They had to keep asking what it was and how to spell it. I had to keep pointing to my bracelet.

I say F Myasthenia Gravis because no matter how much you want to forget you have it because you are stable and things are going well, it always reminds you that you have it. You have a flare up, you have to fill out a questionnaire at the doctor’s office, you do an activity that just manages to overdo a muscle, or someone who hasn’t seen you or know your situation reminds you by asking something like when you guys going to have kids!

So yea last night was another night that I broke down and just cried about things. I was sitting in the car on the way home from my part-time job and had the mucus issue and not enough strength to cough. I panicked. Then I calmed myself and said I can make it home to use my machine and I knew I could relax enough to clear my throat. Many people would say why not take your portable machine with you. I totally forgot. I am not used to carrying it everywhere because when I as sick as I was 2 days ago I could not. I was too weak to carry it anywhere. If it was in the car as everyone suggests I keep it (with my husband at work) I would have died trying to get to it just to use it. I could barely walk let alone lift it (though it does not weigh much). Some people also ask why I do not have 2 of them…I was ‘given’ this one by the hospice of the hospital and that was over a year ago and I have no idea who contact as my insurance paid for it and I have not seen a bill since, even though it is supposed to be paid for monthly…It does not seem to show up on my insurance and I can see everything that comes up on my insurance (charges). So i’m stuck as to who to contact to get another.

If I could just buy another straight out I would, but like oxygen, I think it requires a prescription or something since they ‘train’ you on how to use the unit and what have you. I also need additional supplies soon and so I have to contact someone so… we will see how this all goes.

Anyways, after breaking down I found myself apologizing to my husband who had to witness me come through the door crying. I apologized for crying and being upset as I came through the door saying how I hated having MG. I was just fed up of being afraid. I do not like not having control. I explained that I was just tired of feeling that was and feeling like I was always running out of energy at the worst times. An he told me not to worry and just rest. I said well I would like to and he took my coat off and can you make me some eggs, LOL.

Secretly Answered…

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So that poem earlier was totally what I had gone through and was feeling. I had to let go and take a leap of faith and let my pride go about how long I can go without treatment. I always want to be superwoman and make it 12 weeks and longer now that I know I can. However, there are sometimes extenuating circumstances and reasons beyond my control that I cannot foresee that say that I cannot and that I need to REST and allow myself to be rejuvenated and not worry about what could be. The problem I have is that I sometimes begin to worry about all the possible problems that can happen when I have to let go. Who will pick up the pieces if I have to let go.

I was worried I would be dropped by a particular specialist who has a waiting list a mile long to been seen regarding attempting to have a baby. For me this requires being taken of several medications and maybe being placed on others to compensate for them. It will also require being seen by other specialists along the way. I was so worried and I began to cry. I then decided no matter what I needed this treatment and just made the decision and placed it in God’s hands. I made no mention to anyone.

I called my neurologist as usual to set up my plasmapheresis treatment for tomorrow. He was able to get me in. I was happy. He called me back to confirm it then he said something I was not expecting but let me know that my prayers had been heard. He said by the way we have been meeting and have come up with some alternatives that may work for you regarding your medications and we need you to make an appointment with us after you have had your treatments so we can discuss this and get you moving.

I was in shock. I was so relieved to hear this information. It was satisfying to my soul. I thanked GOD. I never said anything to this man about this and for him to say that to me made my entire day! My only reason for seeing the specialist in the first place was not just for a baby which is very important but because I needed an alternative for the immunosuppressants and steroids that suppress my immune system which cause me to be more susceptible to illnesses. I am stable with my MG and tired of the EXTRA stresses of colds respiratory infections and viruses. It is just not fun when a normal cold is like having the flu and the flu is like absolute death for me. I am durn proud to have gone so long without a hospital admittance and (knock on wood) keep it that way. I have gone a year without an MG related admittance and 9 months without any overnight admittance period.

I am still learning but I know I can do the things that I am set to do through God and I believe this wholeheartedly. If I pray for them and get them I must be ready to accept them and all the blessings/ consequences. I am learning things can be hard and hard work at that but if I want it to be great it takes that sometimes! I have to learn to listen too and not to the human self but the spiritual self and to God. That is hard if you do not have a relationship with him and I am working hard to keep that line open and clear!

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A Leap of Faith

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Staring vacantly ahead

Deep in thought

Rocking back and forth, back and forth

Wringing hands so tight they are numb

Rocking and thinking, think and rocking

Tears silently sliding down my face

I have to let go of my pride

I have to hear HIM

I have understand everything, anything

I have to let go! I have try. I…don’t know anymore

Rocking back and forth back and forth

It has to get better

I have made a decision

Is it the right decision?

Rocking and thinking, thinking and rocking

I can’t worry anymore I have to let go

I have to trust and take A LEAP

 

**These are the moments in which I struggle the most…when I sometimes want to take the reins and control everything and I forget that I have to trust and allow God to do what he has designed for me. There are times when I feel that I can be superwoman and I choose not to rest and plow forward and I reminded that I can no longer do that with MG. These were one of those times! You never know when God has equipped you with wings, a parachute or a safety net, you just have to to trust HIM!**

Vanity and Form: The Reason For Mirrors

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So I am Senior Health Fitness Specialist and I work in a corporate fitness center. I teach fitness classes, run wellness programs, do personal training, do exercise prescription and so on. I am not just a personal trainer or fitness instructor. Yes…I take offense to that as I went to get a 4 year degree and a expensive certification to say otherwise. There is nothing wrong with being an instructor or personal trainer but I went above and beyond for a higher position and title. So yea I am VAIN about this, LOL.

Working in the health field I have seen many things both while interning at a satellite hospital site and while working in various aspects of health over the years. But nothing prepares you for the things you will see in a fitness center. The hilarity that happens pales in comparison. People believe that you are both blind, stupid, and the world centers around them. Moreover, when things happen to them you have to try and keep a straight face while watching them do these stupid things because I swear I cannot make them up people when dumb ditty over there tries to push start the treadmill. Um it has a BIG green button that says START…Why not try that? Or pulling a Cleveland Brown on the treadmill like my younger brother did many years ago while I was at my first job ever and tried racing me. I was minding my business running and him not knowing how a treadmill really ‘worked’ decided to just input the level at which I was running by putting the actual number and then increase the speed. A smart person would have known it will START at 8 miles an hour. it will take time to get to that level (a few about 15 seconds maybe). So this genius thought he was doing something and welp he was still increasing the speed thinking it was not going fast enough because it was not as fast as I was and when it hit my speed and he was already increasing it he FLEW off the back but since the room was small it was right against a wall and he looped for a bit before i jumped off my treadmill to give him space to get out and off his treadmill. I will not lie I laughed so hard i seriously was crying and people thought I was hurt (from the noises they heard– the crash).

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Every time I see this above episode I think back to this and the image is so fresh I just start laughing all over again. The starwberry on his shoulders and back he called ‘carpet burns’ were there for some time. I will never forget it and when people fall in the gym on the treadmill and have similar moments I swear I wonder how in God’s name they FIGHT it…I just fall and let it happen, why do you fight and keep trying to get back up while the belt is still moving. Let it go! Well unless it’s at a wall and then hold on for dear life!

Or the person who sits backwards on the chest fly and tries to do back fly and the arms only come part of the way around but they stick with it. It is my job to go over to these people and help them before they hurt themselves not laugh at them.

Or the people who instead of using the big mirrors in the weight lifting section for watching your form and correcting it, they are flexing and watching themselves. Yes, I see you watching yourself and just enjoying YOU. That’s great self-confidence but um get the heck out the mirror and let someone who needs it use it. I mean really it’s great that you have immeasurable hotness and you are psyching yourself up what not but the music has you pumped and you are awesome but MOVE! The world does not revolve around you though the mirror seems like it does.

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Then there is the gross creeper that is watching everyone in the mirror/ fitness center and makes your skin crawl. That’s the person that almost makes you want to be on a machine where you back is to the wall so that you can see everyone around you at all times like someone may be pick pocketing your soul. Instead they are doing something far creepier they are almost walking around smelling your scent and stealing glances at you doing squats and staring at your most intimate places and you feel the eyes on you but you have no idea from where.

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And they are always happy when it’s squat day

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But the fitness center isn’t all that bad when you have confidence and people are not that gross and creepy. Usually they are not but you always get a few that young idiots that have to be put in their place. And kudos to fitness centers that have a ‘women’s’ section that is separate from the rest of the fitness center with additional weights and cardio for a circuit. Though men do struggle with body image, women and young women especially struggle with this more often and need this additional benefit at least until they are comfortable to be on the main floor. with their weight training. Meat Head intimidation and crowding is no fun (no matter what level fitness you are in, lol).

 

Silent Screams

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I see you out of the side of my eye stumbling, crying

You are ragged, drenched in sweat

Reaching for anyone

I saw you running in the shadows, hiding

Why are you hiding?

Don’t be afraid

They walk past you

They step on you

They step over you

The welts on your skin, the agony on your face, your bones sagging deep in your leather-worn skin

Stand!

They almost notice you

 

They shake the buzz out of their ears

They keep moving

but me…

I HEAR YOU!

 

**I wrote this poem when thinking of the many people who are seen to be invisible in this world! The mentally disabled, the homeless, the incarcerated, the abused, and discriminated, and the list goes on…Will you hear them? Will you be an advocate and help them? How will you change the world for the better for them? Many times they just want to be heard they just need a friend. Can you offer that much; your time!?!

I Miss My Gingerbread…

The subtle way you held your mouth while reading

The delicate manner in which touching touching the paper

The deliberate effort placed into each word you made while still making each sound as sweet as a peach

How did you do that?

Never raising your voice in anger

Always a smile upon your lips

Sweet words to heal even to worst of days for me.

You place down your book and go into the kitchen to finish dinner.

There you are baking and kneading dough with your bare soft hands

Watching the rhythmic way you pat and roll, pat and roll

Spin

Pat and roll the tray of cornbread

The buttermilk smells so heavenly and looks enticing on your sweet little fingers as you squeeze it off as if they were utters

I giggle inwardly at the thought

You wash your pillow soft hands and put on lotion in such a dainty way

I watch the way the luster comes back and the gingerbread spice of your skin sparkles

How I miss my Gingerbread!

 

**For my reader- It’s been 5 years but there is hardly a week that goes by that I do not think about my great grandmother! She was truly a loving woman that was the apple of my eye. I loved her very dearly and she was one of the sweetest women I know. Her nick name was Gingerbread both a play on her name being Virginia and likely her skin color. She loved to read and she loved to cook and be with her family. She also loved the Lord. She would have been 92 yesterday and I honestly was can say I am still learning from this woman even after she is gone! Thanks Grandma!

A Stolen Glance

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I saw you sir, out of the corner of my eye

Taking what was privately mine.

Drinking in long thirsty gulps of my silence and mystery

Pondering my thoughts and story

Piecing together my day and years from the bits all about me

The clear eyes like those of stuffed bears peering over your paper

Stealing moments yet not backing off if caught

Only slowly glancing to the side as if thinking off in space

Not quite perfected daydream stare but as if you are thinking to hear a call on Bluetooth

Then something startles you or is it interest

I fix you with my eyes and refuse to look away

Caught as if by a spiders web

A fire lights in his eyes

He speaks, “Hi”