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Cannons, Football, and Towers Oh My

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So today is my Alma Mater’s opening season football game and I am so excited! Each time we get a touchdown real cannons blare, potty-mouthed pirate people are everywhere screaming at referees dressed as pirates, and all the traditions I remember from undergrad come drifting back. Even though I was on the upper deck it was on the 50 yard line with a breeze on what felt like a tower and loving every minute. I felt like I was at home. It was beautiful. Yo ho yo ho a pirates life for me! Still at the game…updates to come but my anxiety is low…

Oh W A (e) I (gh)T ! That’s me you’re talking about!

Give this a good Look! Self-Esteem is important! We have to re-think how we look at ourselves Re-brand your thoughts!

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Having felt a little (oh no terribly) guilty after I indulged in a Mozzarella grill, signs that my body could no longer take days of shoving ‘healthy’ food down its throat and into its gut, I decided to rethink my moment of weakness and take a step-by-step approach as to why I was self-sabotaging my weight loss plan. The funny part is, I relished every moment I ate that indescribably yummy sandwich! I was worried not because I’d have gained a couple of grams tomorrow when I weigh myself. I was instantaneously afraid of what other people would say!

It’s just that the world looks at you so differently, so harshly when you’re fat. It’s somehow everybody’s (or the ‘fat police’ as I’d like to call them) moral responsibility, to come and tell you how fat you are, how that dress would have fit you so much better if you were thin…

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2 Corinthians 1:20 (Yes And Amen)

This is a GREAT REMINDER by a fellow Blogger! Please read!

THE RIVER WALK

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For all of God’s promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding “Yes!” And through Christ, our “Amen” (which means “Yes”) ascends to God for his glory. (2 Corinthians 1:20)

Read: Job 23:1 – 27:23, 2 Corinthians 1:12 – 2:11, Psalm 41:1-13, Proverbs 22:5-6

Relate: Depending on who is counting there is roughly three thousand to thirty-five hundred promises made by God in the Bible. Granted, many of them are situational, person specific, and time limited, but that is a minority. Even if more than half were to fall into one of these categories, we have well over a thousand remaining. A significant number of God’s promises are “If… then…” promises. For example, IF we keep our mind focused on Him THEN God has promised to give us perfect peace. (Isaiah 26:3) Some might complain that all of these are conditional. Well duh. I for one am glad. I…

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Jumping At My Shadow

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There are times that we feel most confident and then there are times that we are at our most vulnerable and sometimes for the silliest moments of doubt and we pray no one saw us jump at our shadow! I have to admit I have been having a few of these moments lately. Not the I have been watching scary movies and you walked up behind me and scared me to the moon and back moment but the did I see something peeking from around the corner of that wall just a second ago moment…(and more importantly did you see it too).

We all want to validated in these moments and then we feel better. However, when we are not we feel even more vulnerable, or dare I say off kilter. The worry comes from a bit of anxiety of past issues and not really trusting if I am getting better with my MG, my tracheal stenosis, and with my anemia, among other things. I start to wonder if these things are coming back when in fact they usually are not it is just stress playing tricks on my mind or causing me to have a slight exacerbated symptom for a short period and giving the illusion of such. For example, MG causes breathing or swallowing difficulties as it is so it can e hard to know if I am having an issue with tracheal stenosis or narrowing of the windpipe at that time which I had surgery to fix. I get nervous wondering if it was actually fixed. However, when I am calm my rational mind says, you have not had any real problems like before and you have been able to breathe just fine. It is like just your MG having a bit of a flare with stress and you have an appointment for your follow-up for the tracheal surgery next week so RELAX. But that is easier said than done, lol. But I have to have these little talks to help myself. I have to pray often. But sometimes I feel as though there is something creepy lurking around that corner just in my peripheral and I wonder if anyone else saw it! I just want someone else to say yeah, but then when it’s nothing I’m like you didn’t see anything so why did you say yes? LOL (but secretly I’m glad that they were on my side sometimes, hehehe! Luckily I know who to go to for the real truth and the bandwagon truth.

My Inner Fat Kid Is SCREAMING

So have you ever had that moment when you just know that despite how healthy you are, or are trying to be your temptations are finding there way around you as if by pure magic and your inner fat kid (much like your inner child) begins screaming EAT IT! YOU MUST HAVE THAT NOW!

I have that moment almost every time I pass an Asian restaurant. I tell my husband I was born into the wrong country and family, the stork was drunk, he missed, who knows, but I have an addiction. The food is too yummy to pass up. I have learned to find the healthier options. I have even learned to cook it myself. I have a ton of Asian friends as well LAUGH, yes I say laugh at me when they visit my house and see my Asian cooking utensils. They say you are the only American I know with a rice cooker. Or you are the only American I know with chopsticks that eats with them and why do you eat seaweed like they are chips? LOL.

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I work as a contractor for an Asian company which I did not know when I began working for them. I found that to be fate, LOL. Getting sushi at lunch was a plus. I almost cried when it happened. Then I tell them (my friends) it is their fault as they continue to open my palate to new AUTHENTIC places and fuel my fire indulging my addiction. They are enablers. I now go to places without them and initiate hunts for such places and tell them about them. They are shocked and laugh and say I must take them.

I do still try for healthier options though, things grilled or steamed instead of fried and I love all the veggies I can get which as you can see from the pics they love to offer in the family style setting to pick and nibble at. YUMMERS!

Make you plate colorful!

Dreams and Reality

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Why is it that when you do something in real life to yourself that it takes weeks, months, or even years before you can accept it in your dreams? Let me explain, if you lose 50 lbs or get a small scar on your face, you know what you look like in a mirror but in your dreams you continue not to see this difference and try on clothes and wonder why you cannot fit that new size you just lost weight to fit into or recognize your scar is not there when doing make-up in a dream but you know it should be. It takes months before it naturally appears after seeing it everyday and dealing with it on a constant basis. It also has to sink into you subconscious. this was even the case with each new boyfriend growing up and even when I got married, LOL.

However, with my MG it was almost immediate. That was the first  time in my life that happened. Almost as soon as I got the disorder, I dreamed I had it and all it’s effects were there. It scared me. I actually had been dreaming about it before it was completely confirmed. I had constant dreams about not being able to move, pick things up, breathe, walk, and it was horrible. Though the bad dreams have died down because I now am stable and know it is not always like that for MG patients 24/7 I had never been able to have a dream so quickly about current situation. I could see the tubes from the hospitals and every current bruising or scar I had endured during this time. It made me severely anxious as well. The logical psychologist in me says it’s stress; however, if you knew me well you would know that stress encompasses many of the other things I spoke on as well. So I guess maybe the level of stress, then…

I have a lot of ‘premonition’ dreams and I have a lot of lucid dreams where I can will something to happen because I know I am dreaming but never the type of dreaming I’m talking about deals with how we perceive our own bodies and selves on a daily basis. How we see our lives. I can never quite dream about the normal me usually the next day if something drastic happens like a new haircut, a fresh scar, tattoo, or the like.

Am I the only one?

Ripping Off The Band-Aid…Here Comes The RAW Emotions

1-20-2015 317 -my hair last year at this time 1-20-2015 242-my hair in its natural state (same length just curly)

Last night I cried…i allowed myself to just let the tears flow, not like a blubbering mess but just flow. I also allowed my husband try and comfort me which I have only allowed a handful of times since knowing him as I usually prefer the comfort of myself or females, lol. Anyways, I cried because that morning I looked in the mirror and my hair was nearly gone after straightening once I took out braids that had been in for a long time.

With MG I sometimes have trouble doing my daily rituals because of time or strength issues so I have to pick quick easy tools to help me.I got my hair put into braids because doing my hair puts a strain on my fine motor skills that needs to be saved for typing for work, brushing my teeth, and going to the loo (at work, since I have a bidet at home and other tools) and carrying many heavy items in a fitness and wellness capacity at work.

Well I did the braids too many times back to back between that,the MG, and stress, I have very super long strands,and very shorts, and well I look butchered. When I went to work I did not have time to think much about it. I made the best of it saying I want to cry but who has time and made a hair style I figured I could get away with yesterday. But by the end of the day I was so exhausted fidgeting with the hairband that kept falling off and the bun that could not hold b/c my hair was so thin that when I walked in the door and my husband asked how my day was I said, “my migraine has come back, my anxiety is up because I missed my workout and I have no hair” and began to cry! The worst part of him consoling me was and usually is, he is not always sure what to say. He sat me down and offered me water, and wished he could hit the lottery to find a cure or an awesome weave. I said I simply wanted my hair back. My hair is longer the parts that grew but it is not healthy. He sat with me and rub my head and my hands and had his head bowed. He looked as if he was blinking back tears himself which made it hard because I could tell it hurt him to see me so hopeless because I am always to strong and ready to come up with the next idea! After a few more moments of that and no real solution we decided on dinner and just watched television and talked. Then I set up the idock and we listened to my nature sounds so that I could hear a good thunderstorm last night.

However, I did buy some hair products (Sunday) and I will give it about 2 months. This was for my temples before I straightened my hair because I saw that my hair was thinning there first before I could see all the other damage. If I feel I see no improvement I will be cutting it because my hair usually bounces back fast from anything and though I have this disorder I cannot keep holding to ‘past’ if its not going to work. I will also try going to the dermatologist as well. But that is hard between all my routine dr. visits without taking off work. I have a dr. visit as it is about 1 a week if not 2-3 times a week. Pray for me because I definitely a ball of emotions, though we should not ‘be our hair’ we as people are attached to our hair. Men can say they are not until they begin to bald and hold on to it while it recedes into horrid shapes, but we all know the truth we love the hair we have nurtured most of our lives. Therefore, until we decide on our on accord to cut it, or style it a certain way we a most definitely hurt when things like this happens. I’m totally praying for peace!