The Calm

I have noticed people become calmer when they realize they finally have something else to hold on too. Be it working toward a new goal, temporary love/ lust, a new job, or some other distraction. We all have to dissociate sometimes. However, I feel that it should always be in moderation. We need to learn to focus on true problems, fix/ handle them with no distractions at their core no matter how ugly they may be and then move on.

Ignoring things or dissociating from things that cause anxiety or negative feelings for too long can cause desensitization and therefore one can find themselves in a world of trouble when the problem snowballs. Simple problem ignoring a small car issue until it becomes a big one and then you are left with a big bill.

Sometimes dissociation is okay. Sometimes I watch television when I workout; however, I also know that I am not always working out at the intensity I need to be at to get the best benefits. I get okay benefits because I am working out but I could be getting better benefits if I focused and did my program or used my app and stayed in my heart rate zone.

In relationships this may not always be the best thing. In fact, it is almost palpable when one party decides to dissociate and finds something/ or someone else to focus on. Though some are masters of disguise. The sad part is when the other party appreciates the dissociation.

THE CALM…

Dangerous in Love

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I was talking with my cousin this morning and he said something that really stuck with me. He said a man who can suddenly do everything right once you take everything away or you walk away is dangerous because it means he blatantly disregarded you and how you felt and everything you stood for. I’m paraphrasing of course but still. It means this man out right disrespected you and took advantage and took you for a ride. He is dangerous because he gained your trust and manipulated it and would have you believe it was all because they were ill equipped when in fact they were quite able and resourceful only lazy, unmotivated, and selfish.

Knowing this and looking back, I  became reflective and annoyed. Annoyed because I ignored the signs wanting to think better of people. I had to learn the hard way though I suppose. It’s all a part of growing up and becoming wiser and because I am the way I am I know I would not have just listened to someone saying ‘NOT TO DO IT’. I had to do it and learn the hard way as most of us do. But that is okay. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger and I pray that as long as I have life and one of these dangerous in love types don’t take me out I will be okay.

The Effort

I have always been taught that the amount of effort a person puts into something indicates the pride and importance in which they possess. I later learned it also indicates the emotional and mental intelligence they possess. This extends beyond just relationships to include how you make the most vital decisions in life. However, today we will be talking about relationships and what EFFORT means in regards to that.

If a potential mate wants you to know they care, especially a male they will make every EFFORT to show you how important you are to them. You will not have to bend over backwards and wait by the phone. You will not have to wonder where you stand in their life. You will not have to guess where you ‘lane’ is and you will not have to feel like you are intruding upon someone else’s time or territory because they will make it clear to others this is your time with them.

Those who are unsure of where or what they want are unable to say or do this and therefore do not make a true effort. These are the ones that leave you confused because they are confused.

Then there are the ones that are just plain dishonest. Instead of saying I would rather be casual or what ever it is they want they lie. They say what they believe you want to hear to get what they want; never knowing if that’s the same as what the other person wanted or not. Or caring for that matter.

The point of EFFORT is deciding to put time into something like an investment. To know it will yield fruit and to nourish it. I assure you that if the person is looking the same things you are, they will notice the effort, they will appreciate it, and they will reciprocate it in their ‘language of love’ as we all still speak different languages of affection, be it quality time, physical touch, gift giving, etc…

Their intelligence will show you that regardless of their resources they will find a way to speak to you in your ‘language’ and put forth the effort without you feeling like you had to pull teeth to get them to do it. Once you show a person you are interested and that you care though it is a definitely a two-way street you should not have to drag either party through communicating and contacting one another. They should always be a thought. Even if the message is simply, ‘I was just thinking about you’. This goes a long way. Believe me.

Learning To Take A Compliment

So my dad always has said to me on more than one occasion I need to learn to take a compliment. My mom MAY have mentioned the same thing, LOL. However, you realize it a bit more when a male says it to you. It’s like, “DANG, am I really that uncomfortable about it?” and they answer is YES, Yes I am!

I realized the more I pay attention to it when people pay me a compliment that I do not even know how to respond. My dad says I should just say thank you. I BLUSH…I actually friggin blush. Until I graduated from college I never blushed a day in durn life. I can bust my butt in front of a ton of people and not care, but in the last few years I have found a new sense of GIRLIE embarrassment. WHERE do you come from and go back to whence you came you foul beast.

I was out the other night and I was being paid a barrage of compliments and the cashier in front of me thought it was hilarious and I kept trying to ignore what was happening around me and could not. I was noticeably uncomfortable and trying to laugh it off and she GIGGLED. I was like she will be telling her friends about this later. I nearly ran out of the store biting my bottom lips so hard half smiling but not really sure what to do. I was so red it was ridiculous yet confused that the situation really just happened.

I guess the issue is that I have always found myself to be just be ME. a bit tom boyish and invisible. I never brought much attention to myself and when I started bringing attention to myself in later years it was a comedian and leader not as someone who was attractive. Even during the moments I felt like tooting my own horn, it was only momentary. I definitely do not feel like that right now during all my weight fluctuations from steroids and just before the surgery. I just feel like me and I’m okay with that. I do not bring attention to me but man apparently the attention keeps coming. I will say I’m not use to it and I’m sorry dad, I cannot just get on board with PRETTY just like that. I’ve never been vain or anything so to know people are very into me and more than one person is so foreign to me.

However, my friends are definitely making sure I get use to the idea. They told me that I am beautiful inside and out and that’s why they love me and I should get use to it. That omission of people not telling me how I look made me humble and that’s good. However, I need to know now they said (not sure why now is any different than before).

I prefer we keep the secret like superwoman…Let it be my superpower or something, LOL.

Long Time, Let’s Catch Up

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I cannot believe I have been so busy I have actually gone weeks without talking to you guys. Now that is amazing! It’s like me going 2 days without talking. I say 2 because somehow in life I actually made 1 whole day in my life without talking once, I was completely and utterly distraught. Anyways, in this time frame I have finalized personal decisions that will change my life forever, gone to Europe to and had a ball, and managed to come home to feel strangely foreign.

We officially closed a facility I worked at for nearly a decade with was emotionally draining to me. It really was hard for me as I was the only original staff member left. With that said there are other opportunities arising internally and externally that may change the dynamics forever. I already do not feel I fit in with the newer staff at the new facility but with the internal opportunity I am not sure how this will work. I feel as if we are sort of bonding some days and other not. Maybe I just really needed my vacation and to loosen up.

However, the external one has me leaving my comfort zone all together. We shall see.

Then there was Europe! —a brief synopsis as there will be a whole few blogs dedicated with pictures to just Europe!

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I was like a Cheshire cat. We all were. Though I did not get to see all the things in France I wanted to I guess it just means I have to go back one day. I did get to see everything in London I wanted too. I literally LOST my smile in London. My MG kicked in and after smiling so much I literally thought I was smiling in one of my pictures and there was not even a hint. I laughed so hard later when I could smile I cried. I actually have the evidence as it was when I went the Warner Brother Studios and saw the ‘Making of Harry Potter’ and you go to see the Set where it was all done. Yes I am such a geek and it’s another thing off my bucket list!

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However, with all the change and the timing of it almost being the end of September, I have to create a new annual bucket list and there were things I obviously did not finish on the last one that I may try to see if I can squeeze in before the end of the week! It may indeed be a busy week for me. I see at least 4 more things I can do before the end of this month and 3 that I can do without being reprimanded by someone that loves me (saying that I am doing too much as I am in a bit of a weakened state right now).

Annual Bucket List: 2016

Do a local bike race
get yoga mat/basic training
Visit wizarding world of Harry Potter
Read 50 books 
Buy a Go Pro
Go Sky Diving
Go to a State I have not been to before
Go to 5th Cirque Du Soliel Performance
Paint Pottery
Throw Pottery (as in make my on pottery)
Decorate my house for fall
Decorate my house for Christmas
Take a romantic trip with my husband
Volunteer with a charity monthly
Take a culinary class
Go swimming (you would be amazed that since being diagnosed with MG I have not swam once because I have started to have fear that it would become over exterted and not be able to get out of the water….says the former lifeguard and scuba certified person)
Be sling shot (it a weird bungee course thing that looks like a giant sling shot)
Go to Canada


Master Bucket List

Write a book- I have started
Have a baby/ adopt a child
Create a Charity
Run a business
Travel overseas like a nomad (England, France, Italy, etc) 
Go to Disneyland
Go to a bioluminscent bay
Have my music music produced and perform it
Help Find a Cure for MG
Go to Alaska- see the Northern Lights
Pose for a sexy calendar

Tomorrow there will be loads of my pics to share! Get ready, touching them up now as we speak!

I BLEED PURPLE & GOLD

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The game this upcoming weekend is sold out! Normally I would have been like OMG what but then again you guys know the planner I am…this would have never happened to me because I would have had my tickets the moment they went on sale, LOL. No I knew I would not be able to go months ago due to this being the weekend before my trip and having to house sit, dog sit, and work on Saturday, LOL. So yea wasn’t gonna happen. But I will be blasting the game and cheering right along side my team!

We are the UNDAUNTED!

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Get ‘EM Boys!

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Someone Cried Foul

It seemed like everything I did or said went sour yesterday and it spilled right into today no matter how much I tried to prepare for today ahead of time. I tried to have things ready in advance for today since I get up before dawn on Wednesdays and this week I am house sitting further from my job.

I was not amused by the little invisible mischievous creatures wreaking havoc on my life yesterday and this morning. Making everything go haywire. It was like there were gremlins mucking up the hardware of my tech systems or something. Yesterday started with my parents trying to leave for their trip and I was uber sleepy because I went to bed late and then woke up early with them (I sleep really light). As I was getting dressed I kept staggering and swaying…Lack of nutrition (no appetite for 3 days, sick to my stomach).

Then I got up and went to work in traffic that I usually do not drive in and thought I was going to die. Not because it was traffic but because I had not been in that sort of traffic in so long that I almost forgot how to drive in it and felt like I was going to DIE. People kept trying to merge on me and then I almost cowered and lost it. Mentally I was not prepared for it.

I got to work and wanted to kiss the ground. I started working immediately head down. My boss sensed something was off but said nothing. I knew he sensed it because he kept asking if I was good. He kept assigning me stuff and I would knock it out in less than an hour and ask if he needed anything else, I was a machine! I just wanted to keep my mind off my durn stomach screaming at me and the black spots before my eyes.

I shot of a silly text, it was met with a mixed (seemingly frustrated reply). Hmmm. I texted BFF about how I physically felt (black spots, stomach, maybe I should go to the doc…) She nearly yelled at me. I was more talking out loud with no intention of going because I felt like if got more sleep my body would have handled this better (forget food, I was hydrated) I know, stupid! But I have been too stressed to eat and 1000 calories in 3 days was still sustaining somehow.

I went to the locker room and blacked out and scared the crap out of myself. I knew it was bad. So I came out, and told the staff what they need to know…I would go eat a banana, LOL. Not that I blacked out. I went and got a yogurt instead with fresh berries and granola 6oz. It was all I could stomach. This was 1:30p. It helped. Then at 8:30p I ate a chicken 60z of chicken salad wrapped in lettuce.

My doctor will not be happy that I lost 9lbs in a week today. Not this way. It was not intentional. They do not want me to swing drastically before surgeries. UGH. Due to not eating I’ve been extra moody and sensitive…We’ll call it HANGRY! Then when you are already dealing with other stressors in your life that I would rather not talk about but are pretty harassing yesterday I had no shining light and was fairly ignored. So I read my books, played with my dogs, and as usual entertained myself. Sadly it was the first time in a long time I can say I have had a really bad day!

Then this morning it was bad from the moment I woke up and look at my phone and realized I could hardly see it. My durn eyes were swollen from allergies, I forgot to take my allergy drops before bed last night. I could go on and on about all the small bad things that happened that I noticed but the good things are there and will continue

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YESTERDAY AND TODAY

I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY…Because I never ALLOW 2 days in a row of BAD!

Twinkle in Your Eyes

There was always something in there

Though others may not see it

Shining like diamonds

Sparkling brighter when you are up to something

That smile so contagious

That laugh seems to be the most…

entertaining and

limitless weapon in your arsenal aside from the

magnitude of love you possess;

owning all that you are in stride

 

 

 

Dream me a little dream

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Everyone has dreams that they wish they could just live inside of, even those dreams that they feel guilty they had but still did not want to end. I can honestly say the only time I feel guilty about my dreams now are because I of what was suppose to be and did not come to pass and where I want to be.

However, I am honestly (as I said just a few days ago) getting back to happy. I just cannot keep allowing others to make me feel so trapped and closed in, stifled and suffering while they somehow get pleasure and I don’t.

My dreams have always been both an escape and a warning/lesson. they tend to passively remind and teach me the things that I do not want to see or learn when I am awake. Moreover, my dreams are an escape into the great possibilities that can be when I just let myself drift and stop fighting.

Even if sometimes they do get a little weird…that just makes it more interesting because usually it doesn’t even seem weird until I really think about it a few days later. Usually weird seems perfectly normal to me. I enjoy a weird life! #teamweird