Rainbow Bridges

I had grand plans of blogging everyday since my last blog and was on track to do so. I had even created several blogs ahead of time and scheduled them days in advance for days that I knew I may be too busy to do so. I was preparing myself. However, sometimes there are days and times in life that you just cannot prepare for and when they hit you, your whole world stops.

Last week was one of those instances happened for me. I have blogged many times about my little dogs Porter and Pepper. They are the funniest little dogs ever and have the biggest personalities.

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I have told countless stories to anyone who will listen about how they make us laugh and what they are up to. The one on the left is named Pepper aka Heffa-lump (like winnie the pooh) because he hops down the steps kind of like a bunny and makes a sound like a herd of elephants. SO the first thing that came to mind to me was heffa-lump. He is spunky and is always barking, he loves the sound of his own voice and NEVER stops moving. He perches on the steps too. he bottom on the step ABOVE where he head and front paws are. So that he is half standing (in the front) and his bottom is seated on the higher step. He enjoys being touched. I mean seriously it doesn’t matter if it’s his back touching the side of your small toe, as long as he is physically being touched by you. He also loves walking on 2 legs when he meets new people. Philly calls him a ‘midget’ in a dog suit. No offense to any little people. He just says that he cannot be a dog always walking around on 2 legs. He thinks he’s ‘people’.

Porter is the one on the right. He is quiet and skiddish but sweet as pie. He loves to lick and that means anything, toys, you, and especially himself (but not the normal places a dog licks) and the carpet. We called him the cat dog. He took long licks of his arms and legs like a cat all day long. This dog loves water and showers. I have had even had to turn him around in the shower so he will not face the shower head and drown. He loves He also was a cuddle bug. He loved to nuzzle you and get cozy. He would turn over on his back and let you play with his paws like a cat with a ball of yarn like this as well the stretch out and go to sleep. His favorite activities were eating and sleeping. He could eat his food faster than lightning. He never chewed. And Then he slept nearly 16 hours every day yet was never overweight. I have no idea how this was possible.

The love that the two of them showed toward one another was even more special. I enjoyed watching them ‘bicker’. Literally sitting on each other because the other would not get off their beds. Or when Porter was little trying take Pepper’s leg like it was a bone and was not attached to him. I enjoyed watch then snuggle on the same pillow and go to sleep. And go outside to the bathroom and wait for the other to come out behind them before the they walk away from the door to go potty (like girls they go in packs).

But last week, my little was diagnosed with a huge mass in his lungs and they were fairly certain it was cancerous. Backing up to about 12 days before they thought he had pneumonia. So he was on antibiotics. The cough he had cleared up for the most part, but his breathing did not really get any better and he was still lethargic and having trouble eating and unable to get comfortable. Moreover, the cough had not completely subsided. So we took him back and they did more tests. They did another xray. Unlike the first time when they said it was just fluid this was when they found the mass in his right lung. After a stay in the hospital they became fairly certain. They said they could run more tests to find out what type but either way it was a long road of what if’s. Having been though this more than once before, I could not watch him suffer. He had lost a lot of weight because they also could not get him to eat, and he a life of pain meds or chemo was not worth prolonging his life for my comfort/ selfishness.

The difference was it was the first time it was actually MY decision since it was MY dog. In the past it was a family dog but this was a dog that was mine and the family loved it as their own. It was the hardest decision to make. Until I wrote this blog I thought I was done spilling tears being gone nearly 8 days ago. I cried so much 2 days leading up to it and the 3 days after I thought I would surely be dehydrated and had become sick on a few occasions.

He was there for 11 years of my life adult life the most formative years of my life. Through undergraduate school until now. Big transitions happen in your life in that time. For me, graduation from 3 degrees (undergrad, 2 masters), first apartments, first full-time (corporate job), marriage, divorce, and so on. But through all that I will continue knowing that I had a friend who was always happy and sweet no matter how bad my day was. He gave me love no matter what I had done wrong. And he listened to me babble about the silly things that mattered that I may never remember but seemed a big deal then and I will never forget him. We give Pepper plenty of love for Porter and though he still waits for porter to come outside to go potty (and it breaks our hearts) we know he will adjust.

We love you Porter! Until we meet again on the Rainbow Bridge!

 

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New Corporate Walks

I have worked in the corporate world for just over 7 years in a previous job and thought I really understood how it worked. I mean was so ‘yuppy’ as one retail customers called it at one of my in between jobs that I cringed when I saw people walk on the grass when we were in a state of transition after I had worked there in 2 years.

I worked in the wellness environment though in a semi office setting. So unfortunately I was still removed from both walks of life. The commercial life of a Fitness center, or a full clinical office, and a true corporate office (since I never went upstairs in sat in their day to day world).

However, now I truly know a true office and world that goes with corporate and it is not only tedious but hilarious to meme. I mean I truly go through the life everyday. I look at spreadsheets all day long, do reports non-stop, sit in meetings, and create to-do list all the time. But I love it! I just never really knew that it would be life and yet I got everything I asked for. You really have to be careful what you ask for. I got the responsibility I wanted, I got the hours I wanted, I got the tasks, and I am sure I will get the pay when my review comes.

The baby in the beginning, the baby during the meeting, and the little girl sleeping on the potty is so me! I have such hopes for the end of my day and I wake up the next day wondering if I made it anywhere besides my dreams!

The funny part is I wouldn’t change any of it! I’m a glutton for punishment!

 

 

Together in all my awkwardness

So there is a level of comfort we all have in dating people right? I mean you can’t have all the good glamorous perfection right?

I don’t have many moments like this people! I mean my hair is curly and can be cute IF it was that way the night before and I’m like

but otherwise it’s everywhere and my actuality is more

and on a really bad day

I mean Philly says nothing is more attractive than a woman with confidence so I throw my confidence on and we go out!

we go out to eat and I keep my stride going while doing the unspeakable random things that drive him crazy like being indecisive about what I want to eat (and he may be starving by this point or he would rather be doing something else but doesn’t want to say)

When we decide on a place I try to get him to try something new. He does it about 25% of the time. Still pretty proud. I order something that ALWAYS manages to embarrass me. Not because I cant pronounce it but because it always does something to me. Food attacks me in some way. Because of my MG it will cause problems with my mouth. It is either too spicy, to tough, to thick, or something. I have learned to adapt but in the process I have not learned how to be as smooth as I would like. At least in my mind. My friends and family have not picked up on it but PHILLY sees SOME things and we laugh way to hard sometimes.

Point and case:

A burger was way to big. It was a delicious burger but it had a million topping and was a mile high and there was too much bread. SO I had to cut the burger up. It also had a ton of lettuce. It had a ton of sauce and other things on it. This is a very quiet restaurant I love and it was his first time going. I called myself being sly and using the lettuce to wipe my mouth as the fork went in my mouth until the waitress could come back and I could ask for more napkins. I have done this maneuver before but I know he saw it as he giggled.

For once I didn’t care, I was just praying the other people in the restaurant didn’t see it. I have given up being so smooth in front in him

we are just at a different level there are days of cuddle-watch-a-movie, or

he has been told I do these things but he never feels it when I do it, I’m gonna start recording it, I do all sorts of silly stuff and his reactions are funny and then there are days of

or at least in my mind it went that way, in his mind he will say it was more like

and maybe

what can I say…I get a lil cranky when I am sleepy or a few things are bothering me at once. Philly is quickly learning to not let me go to long bottled up or it goes bad for everyone. If I am ‘shut down’ when I am trying to tell you something then I will hold it back for a bit but eventually I will tell you and it will come out when you least want to hear it no matter right the moment.

But all in all he digs my awkwardness it makes him laugh he fits right into #teamweird

 

The Other Side

I have long awaited being divorced and the funny thing is I feel a weight off my shoulders, for sure, but then I feel a bit more haggard. I guess because I feel that it’s still a taboo thing in the southern Christian family in America. They just do not like talking about it and will talk you out if it as much as possible sometimes the point where it is ‘too late’ to get out of a marriage. Where you have then stay so long that they would try legally pursue battling to gain alimony for upholding their lifestyle or because you had a child or because they got sick/ injured and you feel obligated or some other circumstance. You see it all the time. You have seen the movies. You may even know someone who has gone through it personally, I know a few people myself and did not realize it myself until I was much older.

I find that being newly divorced that I do not walk much differently I just find that I am very cautious of why a person is interested in me. Though there is a person who I have my attention towards and he me…for some time now, even he knew last year I could be fragile at times just because I felt I could not trust men…

I just had to have full disclosure when it came to certain things. Not when and where you are going per se, but for me if you tell me something I hold you to it. Your word is everything to me. That is the first step. Communication is EVERYTHING!

So I am glad to say I am in a fairly happy place casually enjoying my legal ‘single’ life! Philly and I are are well and will see where things lead. But I am still enjoying where life in general leads because I am just in a new chapter in general. I have a new job, new car, new living arrangements, and this attitude I had before is magnified 1000x because I just cannot fail. I have to push forward. I have to succeed! I do not see it any other way!

2 year Blogiversary

2 Year Anniversary Achievement

So I can hardly believe it but it almost escaped me! Something really did compel me to blog today. It is my 2 year Blogiversary. I have officially been doing this at least on this for 2 years and feeling the love, support, and wonder that comes with it. I am thrilled to know such a community and I would do it million times over again! It is an experience I wish everyone would try at least once in their lives. I have had no trolling and no bad experiences that I can think of and if I have I guess I just ignored it or overlooked it so quickly that it never occurred to me that it was a negative moment.

I love reading other people’s blogs and being opened up to the lives other people’s interests and things I never would have known about in my own little world. I am just amazed by the people I have met and the stories they have shared on their sites and it makes me feel so special to be a part of their lives even if only virtually.

Some people make you really want to be where they are, whether in the stories, in the travels, their kitchens, or activities. I love it! So I compel you today to blog and tell your story if you are merely just following and reading! Tell us what you do! You find it boring but I tell you there are things in your life that may help others, touch their hearts, or make someone laugh in their darkest hour!

Thank you all for reading my blog it means the world to me!

Eternal Sunshine

 

 

Every time I think about blogging lately I have found myself blocked by some physical force. Work, time, anything I could make up. This morning I started cleaning and found that it was more of a fear of just anxiety building up as usual. I started blogging in the first place to help with that.

It was the first thing that helped me to find my sanity and balance. I found solace, support, an artist outlet, and I realized that I could help others not only with my story but with my expertise from my professional and learned knowledge.

This morning I had to remember that no matter how many bad experiences I had/ have endured in my life I have truly been blessed to have been given countless opportunities to flourish. I have lived well regardless of the mistakes I have made and I can say I would like to change some things in my life but then I would not be the person I am now and I wouldn’t want that trade off.

So today I find myself thinking about only the good things and pushing the negative thoughts away as soon as they try to come into my head. Every time they pop up and make think about complaining or wanting to rant about some long standing issue that continues to happen, I have to remember only the good things to continue to happen  and keep happening to me because they keep me sane.

It brings me happiness, keeps me centered, others around you notice it, and your life will overall improve bringing you everything your heart desires at it’s most primal level if you really think about it. LOVE & HAPPINESS!

My 80’s Dream

Have you ever had the perfect crush in your mind all your life and when you met them you were not sure it was them until you saw a picture of them from a time in their life that proves they were that person!

I have a love for the Bell Biv Devoe, Boyz II Men, MR. T type guys. (though if you find me a good ginger I will take it, LOL). These were my first loves. I mean I was hooked. Not Hammer, not Bobby brown, I mean soup cooler lips (full lips), pretty eyes (small eyes, slightly slanted with long lashes), chocolate, and usually a boyish face to match regardless of age (so they were usually older but looked young).

I have no idea what this bug was but I had caught it hardcore. I had to have a man like this and it was deeply embedded in my soul. I mean no matter how many guys I dated over the years and different types I still always came back to the BASE: My 80’s Dream.

So when I met this Philly cat with this accent, attitude, and charm I was like hmm i don’t know. Then he said something but I swear I could understand a word because I was staring at his lips so hard that I totally didn’t hear it. They started moving in slow motion. I was shocked. I’m never stuck like that. His voice reminded me of another star of love so much but I won’t be saying it here because if he EVER reads this he will never let me live it down.

Anyways, Philly keeps talking and I’m mesmerized. The funny part is he has no idea how into I am so he thinks it is harmless flirting. So he is fine. I go on his fb and see a picture of him when he was younger and by gosh there it is the immortalized picture of a Michael Bivins except he was rockin the flaptop. Upon further inspection I realized it was not Biv it was Philly. I was like:

The funny part was that when I started to talk to him on a deeper level, all that smooth talking charm and charisma he had went right out the window. The brother literally started stuttering. His excuse…I really liked you and could keep the act up as long as I thought you were just being flirty and nice. I never thought I had a chance. We both were in the same boat apparently(without swallowing a drop of  water) I started choking.

It was absolutely adorable though! I will be saving all those messages and stories for any children that may come. The days their smooth, cool, and collected pops, was not so smooth, cool, or collected!

I’m Not Beautiful…

So after a lifetime of soul searching and and understanding I am very comfortable with who I am physically! I know my worth and I love the way I look! I can say that with conviction! However, and I am sure there are many women out there who can agree, even when you heard your parents say it,  you did not believe you were beautiful growing up.

They may have said it when you came home crying about the children teasing you, or when you went to prom, your graduation day, wedding and so on. They meant it; however, your thoughts were/ are they are your parents they had to say it and may have even been they did not say it enough.

Some parents may have felt that saying it too much may have caused the child to be too conceited and shallow. However, this may be a good thing in some cases. This can prevent a child from looking for that justification from friends and those that wish to become sexual with them.

They use this as a means to get in their pants because they can sense the insecurity. They shower them with compliments, charming them into a sense of caring, love and affection that seemingly far exceeds what they have felt or been shown before and they fall for it. They are not used to being pampered by someone who will cater to them so getting little things done like their hair, nails, clothes, or spa treatments makes them feel special and desired.

They have only been ridiculed for everything else. I was once this girl. I was always picked on for being the nerd. Don’t get me wrong I am still a nerd/geek and proud of it. I value education like none other! But I was so insecure about my looks from being cut down by some family and so-called friends and being confused about my body that I was too insecure and naive for my own good. Now don’t go getting the wrong idea, I was told I love you and I was beautiful, I just simply believed they had to say it as parents and didn’t understand the depth and value of these words until much later.

Parents should openly discuss things no matter how it makes THEM feel. Their desire to be upset, or think things are wrong only makes matters worse. Saying what should not happen scares a child from talking. I understand this is how they were taught sometimes. But sometimes it takes saying this is a no judgement zone where we can talk about anything time…is there anything you want to ask me? tell me? start doing? stop doing? do more of?

Because as children we need help with guiding questions and conversations. We need the talk about alcohol and drugs. We need to understand how we feel about sex without just being told NOT to have sex. We need to be able to discuss that we have feelings about sex and what to do with those feelings. We need parents to be honest and give us real world examples and help us. Shutting us down and not answering us makes us feel like they do not understand, are lying to us, or refuse to hear us. Though as adults we understand why they did it, we also know/ learn that there can be better ways (though some people still choose not to go that route later).

I will tell my child often they are attractive (handsome/beautiful), but that school comes first. They will have opportunities to talk to me (but as open as we are) I am still your parent. They will know the importance of family and understand the what it means to have a strong work ethic. They will respectful even when I am not around because they are representing me and our family everywhere they go and they will be honest because it is the right thing to do not because someone told them to or someone is watching. And they will probably be a bit goofy because they are my child!

Creative Reflections

Have you ever had a dream that was so crazy that you knew that if you could get it down on paper that it would be the best short story, book, or movie ever? Well I have many dreams, daydreams, and thoughts like this. But I have learned that my best ones come when strangely when I am in my limbo or even drug induced states (prescription of course).

This morning was one of those. I was on a roll, I was in full creative swing I had sang about 3 songs with full background vocals and they had music/ beats. I also had 2 more fully orchestrated scenes to a play that were just amazing. It was just so cool. I was like a full on producer/ director in my head.

The con was that I kept waking up because I was restless from the medication and because I kept thinking if I just go back to sleep I can finish this and hopefully remember it all…

OR

Maybe if I wake up and run and get my recorder and put it near my mouth I can sing it/ or talk through it I can get at least some of it down. I may just have to buy more than one recorder so that I can sleep with them near each bed in my house so I do not lose these creative moments. It;s just like when I was younger and I would wake up and immediately write down poetic thoughts and eventually over time they would turn into amazing poems. I now have a pretty nice poem book (which I should probably start doing this again).

Writing early in the morning and as soon as I remember my dreams always seems to give me inspiration. I have been doing it seriously since junior high school and it has been quite soothing to my soul.

Let the creative juices flow

My Season is Coming

When you live in the south especially growing up in the church you commonly hear the phrase, everything has it’s season or your season will come when you are down on your luck or when things are just not going your way. They say that God already has a plan for you and that once your season comes you will get to reap all the benefits of all the good that you have done.

Sometimes that down on your luck bad season can last for more than the traditional ‘calendar’ 3 months for my young kids who are out there reading this. It can last 6 months, a year, several years, or even decades. You just never know. It can be tough to know that you are in a state of limbo while waiting on this bountiful season to come about. You sit and wonder if you can do anything to make it come about sooner.

I mean the answer is always yes! But I know I am a good person and I work hard, I’m not selfish and am told I could actually be more so as I tend to put myself in a bind by extending myself too much.

So then you start wondering if your faith is strong enough…

I pray everyday, I try my best, I try not eat healthy and treat my body right, okay I am spiritual but not religious so I do not get to church as often but um yeah that adds up.

Then you get everyone telling to just be patient! And you are like…

I’m like the most patient person EVER, I coached swim teams of over 100 kids at a time from ages 3-17 years of age for 3 hours straight 3 summers in a row. I worked with the mentally disabled for several years. They keep saying it to you after your reaction…S then you try to save face and find yourself just

SO then you try to save face…

Because I am just not believing that I am hearing them tell me this for the 100th time and somehow I am still not getting it and I am still stressed and my anxiety is begins going through the roof. I begin thinking something is wrong with me. Like why has it been days, which has turned into weeks and now months.

I had actually become the one I was always telling my friends not to be! I was shocked. And they had started shoving my own advice down my throat and even saying it was my advice and how good it was and reminding me and it was indeed a BIG HARD pill to swallow!

However, when I decided my coarse of action and finally just accepted that I was going to take the curve ball the God had given me and stop resisting…

It all started coming together and my season began ripening right before! I had to go through some things I had never really gone through before and have some revelations I never had before. I needed to experience those life lessons to become stronger, to pass on wisdom and to become a better person. I needed to learned to better value some things in life as well.

I am sure there are many more things in life for me to learn but I pray I don’t have another hard season like that one for a while…I felt sort of like Job (bible reference for some of my Christians).