Testing of all sorts

I am coming up on a much needed single fiber EMG which makes me so nervous I could vomit but I shall try to contain myself. A single fiber EMG may not sound that bad but believe me when I tell you how bad it was for me you…

So a single fiber EMG evaluates how well the nerve and muscle communicate.  It involves insertion of a recording needle electrode into the area of the nerve-muscle communication point (the neuromuscular junction). There may be some discomfort with insertion of the electrodes (similar to an intramuscular injection, or a shot that goes right into the muscle). A single fiber EMG is often done on an eye, forehead, or forearm muscle. CITED- http://www.netwellness.org/healthtopics/gravis/box2.cfm

Ok maybe it doesn’t sound like it’s not that bad! Because I have had it done twice and when I say a needle in your forearm, forehead, and in your neck is not fun- what I mean to say is IT HURTS LIKE HELL AND DON’T LET THEM TELL YOU OTHERWISE. My Expert’s exact works were (when he had to put it my forehead and I was already drained from everywhere else he had gone and tired was, ‘this part is going to be a bit ouchy’ I am sure that is NOT a professional term and if he is using ouchy that at this point I should just shoot myself!

I take friggin 15 & 16 gauge needles with no anesthesia in both arms (and this was often and he was pricking me in my forehead near and I just did not want to see that durn needle coming! Was that too much to ask! Apparently it was. And in a teaching hospital, nothing happens fast, so having an EXPERT in a teaching hospital means they put him in a basement where he can write amazing books and publications and do studies but it means that everyone else around him may well be incompetent.

So just after my test (as I was already at my weakest being admitted to the hospital in the first place) they tried to give me my meds after taking them away for 2 days and guess what I could not swallow and choked on my water and was sent to the ICU and vomited and choked on that and the students just stared. One even had the nerve to ask me what I was doing as I was just strong enough to put my head over the rail and not lay back and drown in my vomit in my almost flat bed. Finally, though I had been holding it down like a crazy person for several minutes, the person on the other end of my call bell stopped being lazy and realized it was a real emergency in the ICU (go figure) and stop asking what I needed. She realized what state I was in and went into action.

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I was in full panic mode by this time. I was absolutely terrified because I could not breathe through the vomit and they were trying to grab the suction for me and I snatched it and suction myself and felt better immediately. I just needed them to turn it on, lol. Then I was so weak afterwards I almost passed out. They put oxygen on me, a forced oxygen kit because I was no longer breathing well on my own…wonder why!?! When my family came in and saw that they went ballistic.

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So needless to say I am very anxious about this test. This time I have warned my parents that I am not admitted just outpatient and if they are not allowed to go back with me that I will not take meds until they are with me and we will drive back across town to my preferred hospital as their hospital lost that right just over 2.5 years ago. You don’t get to almost kill me again, LOL. That tested me in ways I didn’t not expect! But I am definitely stronger because of it. I know I can do it, even if I do not want to do it again, it is better to conquer it, educate myself on my progress, and move on.

Anger Vs. Anxiety

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Look at the two pictures above! You may have seen the movie Pixar Movie Inside Out. It’s about emotions and internal thoughts. Well from first glances the 2 characters could be reacting the same way or the same situation. However, if you saw the movie, you would know that the character on the left is Anger, and the on right is Fear (anxiety). Each get to run certain aspects of our lives. However, you do not want any one in emotions to fully control all aspects of your life. Thankfully this has not been the case for me.

However, I have had a tough time differentiating between some of my emotions as of late. There are times that they seem to give off false senses of effects or symptoms that are very similar to those of my anxiety from the past and I have misinterpreted them. For example being so angry that my heart rate begins to beat rapidly, I start shaking, I get spots before my eyes, and may even get short of breath and begin sweating.

But I realized later that upon calming down that the shortness of breath may have been because I was either holding my breathe instead of breathing calmly instead of a panic attack. I was trying to prevent myself saying something I should not (in mot cases). Then from all the stress and reactions I usually end up with a nice size migraine later. It’s all very magical later when I see halos and feel like I have gone a few rounds with a boxer.

I am sure that my anxiety kicks in when I believe that I am having an anxiety attack; however, this is only when things have gone way too far (very rare). Yesterday for example, I became so angry it took me hours to calm down. Once I finally did I finally realized the difference between my anger and anxiety.

I believe the reason it has taken me so long to find this separation/ link it because I have never really allowed myself to openly become angry. I feel it is so taboo to become angry and to lose my cool since gaining such a handle over it in towards the end of college. I worked hard on myself then and now I am quite embarrassed when I lose my cool. So it is hard for me to come to terms with the actual triggers, ‘symptoms’, and effects of it. And of course later I feel like I have been the bad guy because it’s not like me to be this way; though I always wonder if the person who caused the anger ever feels that way?

I always wonder this as usually people who are naturally negative or angry people ever feel like I do–Super embarrassed, ashamed or remorseful for being angry or being quick to anger. I feel that anger is an easy out and one should try their best to stay cool, calm, and collected to be able to see all sides of every situation and offer valuable insights and contributions to any aspect/ situation. But I feel like the negative or angry person could care less and I just feel really bad for them and wish I could help them see this is not the answer in life because it narrows their thinking and of life.

Now I am not saying you can never become angry;  however, being angry all the time or wallowing in it is not good. One must learn to do so in a healthy way. I have learned that the way I did so yesterday was obviously not the best way. Also bottling it up is not healthy either. You can write, come back and talk about it later (once things are calmer), go to counseling (anger management), go exercise, and so on. Now that I have pinpointed that this was anger for me I am able to handle what triggered it and address it. Now I can back to joy and more varied emotions!

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Aging Gracefully

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Sometimes I just sit and ponder…okay all the time, LOL. I daydream like it’s my job and one day I hope it will be. I hope I can completely convert to writing and people paying me to read about my craziness. Not here of course because I always want my blog to be free. I want people to always have some area where they can ‘easily’ access my thoughts.

Anyways, I sit and ponder aging. Sometimes it scares me to think I am aging and have yet to accomplish the things I want to in life. But then I think about all the famous and not so famous people who were well into life, well into their 30s, 40s, 50s and so on before they accomplished the fame that we know them for today. I also think about the lifespan that we have today compared to decades and centuries ago. Though no one is promised tomorrow or even the next second, I have time create these things as long as I am working toward them and not procrastinating upon them.

My great grandfather is 92 years old and acts and moves much like a 20 year old. My great aunt is in her late 60s and NOT one of my friends believes me when I say it. They looked at her picture from this weekend from a commencement ceremony for a reunion and they said she looks like she is in her late 30s or mid 40s at best. When I tell her this she laughs and says they are too kind but they are your friends, they have to say that…She has no idea…my friends can be harsh and very honest, LOL. They have properly aged many in my family and even over aged a few.

A lot of it has to do with the confidence one has too though. It is exuded in the way we walk, talk, and act daily. I learned that when my confidence is highest I could be in the worst outfit imaginable to me and yet no one notices because I feel like a million bucks and I’m happy and my skin glows and I walk like it’s a new trending outfit despite the despair of the outfit sometimes, LOL.

Sometimes a new outfit can do this, a new hairdo, or glasses, but for me I have learned that just owning your age but not looking is the new confidence. By learning to own a less stressful lifestyle and enjoying life I can have this! I want to be like the many examples I see in my family. My family and friends keep me young and I am learning to let go of my fear when it comes to aging!

The Dam Breaks (She Wept)

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Daydreamer dreaming about dreams

Dreaming about life

A life that has escaped her

A laugh-less house

A house void of the pitter patter of litter feet

A house that never became a home

Built on cracked glass waiting to burst into a shrapnel

Impaling and then poisoning every aspect of her life

Believing that she have nothing left to give

Nothing left do

She can’t meltdown

Crying seems an abstract thought, she is beyond that

She is angry

Days go by, weeks, months

Then she is calm, too calm

She is thinking about the hurt that was caused

The missed opportunities, past and future

She must start over

But time is not her friend and she honestly does not want to

She blames herself for everything

She finally allows the demon in

It reaps her soul and ravages her very being

So She WEPT

 

Raw

Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood

I have been flayed slowly one layer at a time

Each piece seemingly to happen over an eternity of tears and curses

Bleeding and praying

Watching my heart pulse, quiver, and sputter

You pull another layer away each time you open your mouth

I watch my brain synapses jump, light up, spark, crackle, and fizzle

Another layer is peeled away as you refuse to share

Finally my remaining muscles are stripped of nutrients and size as I sit waiting

Because the last layer is snatched off the bone because love is lost

 

Myasthenia Gravis And Writing My ART

I have learned lately that writing and Myasthenia may not always go hand and hand but the tricks to making them work are learning the advantages and capitalizing on them. I know for instance that my muscles in my fingers will fatigue and wear out on me after a bit of typing and since I have to type for work and for leisure and now for writing which is a bit of work and leisure I have to find a way around this hurdle.

So I type closer to the time just after taking medication, in the middle of the day when I am stronger, and I utilize my Dragon speech tool so I can give my fingers a break when I can and use my voice when it is stronger at times. I trade off since sometimes my voice may not always be strong.

I also have issues with vision having ptosis or droopy eyelids. This is another symptom of my Myasthenia Gravis and the strain from staring at the computer or up or just stress can cause my one or both eyelids to become heavy and droop. This is extremely annoying when you are on a roll typing. I mean I do not really need to see the keyboard all the time but sometimes it is helpful to see the screen, LOL. I also need to see the screen to make edits.

It can be a long editing day it I have ptosis, in fact I usually give up after a few minutes because the symptoms are usually only going to get worse until I can rest AND get medication.

My biggest ally in all of this is rest. This is a hard notion for me as I tend to like to burn the midnight oil when I am on a roll. If I feel like I have something going I do not want to let it go until I have completed that thought or section. But with MG, sometimes it will let me complete those thoughts and sometimes I will complete the thought and go back the next day to read it and it reads like a drunk toddler got hold of my laptop.

This is why I believe I have become more rushed and sensitive of my work. I want to get it done when I am feeling well in one sitting and have someone’s attention. Or I want to wait until I will be better in a few days/ week’s time to create a work that may have fewer errors. Granted grammar has never been my forte and I will tell anyone beforehand what my weaknesses are well BEFORE MG EVER started but when additional errors occur because of it sometimes I tend to take somethings to heart though I would never tell an editor that because I do not want them to feel sorry. I want them to do their job and I will sort out my feelings on my own! As long as they are respectful and giving me constructive criticism I will never ever fault an editor and I never have. I always get past my feelings for the improvement of the art that is my work.

Writing laterally-Help!

SO last week I hit a writing hurdle. I struggle with dialogue. I can describe a scene in great detail like you would tell an actor or give them direction (almost like a screen play perhaps) but I am not great with creating dialogue. I know how it should go but when I have to actually write it I become to repetitive and lose vocabulary creativeness and feel muted and frustrated. I hate constantly saying he said, she said, I said, They said. etc. I see why there are more modern books that write a whole chapter from the point of view of one character, then the next chapter is from the other/ another character’s POV. It’s easier to be a bit more creative.

So when I hit this wall it made me feel a bit more unexcited about how to make my book flow naturally and I began doing more research which I must do anyway instead of keeping the true creative part and writing chunks of my book. I have begun a lateral process instead of moving forward.

Moreover, I have struggled with telling my reader the story 99% of the time instead of showing them the story. Once again it’s like you want to put people in the scene with you and not assume everyone around you knows what is going on without giving so much detail that you are boring them. You still have to leave ‘white space’ or gaps for them to feel as if there is something left for the imagination to do some work and interpret on their own. You do not want to spoon feed them that YOUR creativity in that line. This should not be hard for me as I have never had an issue with this in my poetry or blogs, but in my book I am struggling because I feel added pressure.

Is this natural? Should I have the same feeling that I have when I write poetry and blogs to accomplish the book? I get that I should write prompts and practice dialogues and scenes and such more often even if not daily but are my feelings valid? I am getting quite anxious which is anything but what I wanted to feel writing this book, it was fun and now it’s kinda not as fun.

My Wonderful Followers

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Yesterday I posted about feedback in one’s writing career and depression. Who would have thought that the two topics would have seemed to merge into an overwhelming response of feedback of positive responses of support and information of how to’s, try this, similar experiences, internet hugs, and cheery smiles and messages to make me smile. The out pour of support was just so amazing. I was not expecting it and yet it was there.

I was offered free advice on how to creatively write better through daily prompts, and even offered some prompts (thank you ladies and gents I so appreciate it because I did not know where to begin and I truly appreciate it), I was offered free hypnosis (which I may take you up on this, lol), I was offered smiles and hugs which I take graciously because they are contagious and make me smile and feel so warm and fuzzy.

I enjoy the opportunity to share with you all because you make me feel like I am being HEARD! You care about what I have to say because you not only read it but some of you have been through it before and can relate to it. It makes my writing have a purpose. It makes my writing come to life. It does what I do everyday in life for my mother and brother, I advocate…I advocate for writers, for justice, for love for so many things, but I especially advocate for those who have health or mental health issues.

Thank you to all my followers who have shown me support especially during the last few weeks. Your support is one the reasons I have continued to flourish!

Strangers vs. Familiars: Horray for Strangers

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It’s amazing how people you have never met can be so much more kind than people you have known all your life. I have learned that people I have met through blogging have a common connection with you becasue of another blogger or interest and usually have gone looking for your blog through that interest. Therefore, in a way they have come looking for you. They have the option to follow you or not and to unfollow you at anytime.

Unlike facebook or twitter where people get so intimate that they feel the need becasue they see a comment box that even if they do not know you they will put the most negative comments becasue they feel they have a right because they have access to your page. Yes we have freedom of speech but these people are still human and they did not seek you out and post on your intimate pictures about your intimate events negative things.

Some people feel like you shouldn’t post about them, but you have the right to post what you wish without feeling as if someone is going to attack you because they are immature and ignorant. This is what I like about wordpress and why I actually do not let every post of mine automatically post to my facebook or twitter. People who you are familiar with tend to be some of the most harsh and critical people. They also be the most in your business and negative people you could have ever met which is pretty sad. They make you feel guilty and ashamed for having issues of any type. Moreover, they also seem to never be happy for you when you are happy but are the first ones to offer ‘help’ when you are down…seems a bit backwards to me. Where is the friendship all the time. I don’t mean 24/7 but in all types of situations, good, bad, and everything in between. I know we can’t comment on everything but geesh only coming around when I’m sad is strange (which on my fb I rarely even post a sad post).

They have no empathy until something is happening to them. I never realized how badly friends and family can really make you feel…but thankfully I other friends and family that make up for the ones who are negative. I also have those strangers and followers on my blog who combined show more support and empathy than I could have ever thought possible when I have been going through the darkest times of my life in the last 3 years.

People are interesting characters!

Depression is ALIVE

I have to admit that for me this is unnatural but very real. I am struggling with depression. I usually have a down time for about a day and shake it off but I can honestly say it has stuck for longer than that this time. It’s starting to affect my perception of how I see things. I am seeing the down side of things constantly. I am seeing the negative picture.

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Where is the beautiful flower? All I see is the missing aspects of it! I’m longing for every moment of distraction, my book writing, my games, my reading, talking to my friends, because the problems that are there are not being fixed and not fast enough. They are not even really beginning to be fixed because I’m stuck in a constant state of anxiety. I’m constantly waiting for the next screw up since that is all that appears to happen and all I have seen in the past.

As a person who is used to showing grace and mercy often, this is causing me great cognitive dissonance, but the trending information I have received from the situation has caused me so much distress I can’t help but feel this anxiety and depression now. Moreover, I have lost faith because there has been little to no attempt to show habitual change, compromise, and effort to reduce my anxiety from the parties involved.

The biggest problem is that I believe I have already dealt with/ stayed too long in the situation letting it reach the apex where I have become someone I don’t like being, a person I used to be. Now I have agreed to try longer at least 3 more months to see if this can be resolved yet  have no idea if I can control my emotions or actions long enough to even be be fair (not that anyone would fault me if I was not).

I will be speaking to my therapist about this today but I believe I have a good idea of what she will say about this…