Not So Natural Beauty

Having Big Lips <–Check this Video

I would like to say that the topic today is something that I have just noticed or that is has just begun to happen in today’s society but unfortunately it has not. Though I would like to say that it is just racism…it goes far deeper than this. It is an issue of culture and someone looking to point a finger. I understand the over-sensitive nature in which we live in today but people need to understand it goes both ways these days.

You have all cultures doing things to fit in with other cultures and some of it dates back to survival while others are indicative of trends and fashion. However, should we be so quick to call it racism?

Point and case you have afro-centric cultures that have naturally curly hair that fight to straighten their hair chemically or through heat. There are those who say this is to be like the white society. In some cases, yes we have been taught that our hair is not exactly ideal. We are taught to hate our hair, to be ashamed of it, to think that when we do not have it in some manageable style that makes others comfortable that we are not appealing. Who would want to have ‘nappy’ hair as they call it. However, when you go to other countries where there afro-centric cultures are more dominant and were less disturbed this is not the case. This natural beauty is celebrated. It started back in the days of slavery though, being cut down to nothing by the words of ‘owners’ and then to continue to this day. Women coloring their hair for the same reasons.

However, now we straighten our hair and color it because we WANT to! Because we desire to. However, that it also due to trending. If we saw more women with natural hair would we follow that trend? As the natural hair movement has began I have seen the propensity in that direction and now I wonder how many women feel pride behind this or feel as if this is just a trend to follow.

But as I stated, it goes both ways. You have euro-centric women who get perms to fit in. They want curly hair to fit in. They want curves and fuller lips. They get tans to become darker. And society says they are trying to be ‘black’. Why does it have to be black, there are other cultures that have these same attributes first off, and secondly some white people have just as many curves, curls, and complexions without alterations before you begin making such comments.

Everyone is going for crash diets to be super thin. We all make different changes often. The difference is everything we do, whether it is natural or not, it is how we carry ourselves and what we then project to others. We must make sure that we are not hypocritical pointing fingers, calling people racist for what we do not understand; making assumptions. Try to understand or simply ask. We all enjoy mimicry (it is after all the deepest form of flattery) but let us try to understand why we are doing it and its consequences as well. Do not always follow things blindly and do not be so condescending to those who do. You never know, you may actually be following something without even knowing it. We are all beautiful in our own right let us not judge how we deem that right to be so!

Ask and You Shall Receive

Usually I offer my help to most anyone in need. However, there are those who I may not know are in need and therefore I always state that if you are in need, by all means speak up…I am not a mind reader. I enjoy helping others and if I can do something for you within  reason I will try my best. I like to do busy work when I am at work because when I am bored I looked bored, and looking bored at my place of employment or most places can spell bad things in the long run. You can look lazy, useless, unmotivated, or even unambitious. I am in no way any of these things; however, from the outside looking in, anyone can look like this when you have lulls in your work and a person happens to catch you like this a few times.

So I prefer to stay busy. It also helps the time pass by so much more quickly. And helping people as I always say gives me a sense of accomplishment like no other. It makes me feel so fulfilled and happy I just cannot seem to get enough. I prefer to offer my help and genuinely desire to give it than to be demanded to do it. This way I know that I am doing it of my own free will with no strings attached. I know I will not asked for it, I was not offered a reward, and I was not promised any recognition. I do not even need a thanks for it, because knowing that I helped them and they were able to benefit is enough, though most are grateful enough to offer thanks which is greatly appreciated. That is enough for me.

Such things like this makes me want to pray for them even more and intercede on their behalf. I pray and ask for mercy and blessings for that person and/ or their family. I want nothing but good for them. I do not do it to get into heaven, or to get more favor with God, or to get that next job or promotion. I do because it is right and feels good to do so. You should want to do good for those reasons not for leverage.

Secretly Answered…


So that poem earlier was totally what I had gone through and was feeling. I had to let go and take a leap of faith and let my pride go about how long I can go without treatment. I always want to be superwoman and make it 12 weeks and longer now that I know I can. However, there are sometimes extenuating circumstances and reasons beyond my control that I cannot foresee that say that I cannot and that I need to REST and allow myself to be rejuvenated and not worry about what could be. The problem I have is that I sometimes begin to worry about all the possible problems that can happen when I have to let go. Who will pick up the pieces if I have to let go.

I was worried I would be dropped by a particular specialist who has a waiting list a mile long to been seen regarding attempting to have a baby. For me this requires being taken of several medications and maybe being placed on others to compensate for them. It will also require being seen by other specialists along the way. I was so worried and I began to cry. I then decided no matter what I needed this treatment and just made the decision and placed it in God’s hands. I made no mention to anyone.

I called my neurologist as usual to set up my plasmapheresis treatment for tomorrow. He was able to get me in. I was happy. He called me back to confirm it then he said something I was not expecting but let me know that my prayers had been heard. He said by the way we have been meeting and have come up with some alternatives that may work for you regarding your medications and we need you to make an appointment with us after you have had your treatments so we can discuss this and get you moving.

I was in shock. I was so relieved to hear this information. It was satisfying to my soul. I thanked GOD. I never said anything to this man about this and for him to say that to me made my entire day! My only reason for seeing the specialist in the first place was not just for a baby which is very important but because I needed an alternative for the immunosuppressants and steroids that suppress my immune system which cause me to be more susceptible to illnesses. I am stable with my MG and tired of the EXTRA stresses of colds respiratory infections and viruses. It is just not fun when a normal cold is like having the flu and the flu is like absolute death for me. I am durn proud to have gone so long without a hospital admittance and (knock on wood) keep it that way. I have gone a year without an MG related admittance and 9 months without any overnight admittance period.

I am still learning but I know I can do the things that I am set to do through God and I believe this wholeheartedly. If I pray for them and get them I must be ready to accept them and all the blessings/ consequences. I am learning things can be hard and hard work at that but if I want it to be great it takes that sometimes! I have to learn to listen too and not to the human self but the spiritual self and to God. That is hard if you do not have a relationship with him and I am working hard to keep that line open and clear!

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A Leap of Faith


Staring vacantly ahead

Deep in thought

Rocking back and forth, back and forth

Wringing hands so tight they are numb

Rocking and thinking, think and rocking

Tears silently sliding down my face

I have to let go of my pride

I have to hear HIM

I have understand everything, anything

I have to let go! I have try. I…don’t know anymore

Rocking back and forth back and forth

It has to get better

I have made a decision

Is it the right decision?

Rocking and thinking, thinking and rocking

I can’t worry anymore I have to let go

I have to trust and take A LEAP


**These are the moments in which I struggle the most…when I sometimes want to take the reins and control everything and I forget that I have to trust and allow God to do what he has designed for me. There are times when I feel that I can be superwoman and I choose not to rest and plow forward and I reminded that I can no longer do that with MG. These were one of those times! You never know when God has equipped you with wings, a parachute or a safety net, you just have to to trust HIM!**

Warm Fuzzies: True Altruism


Have you ever just felt the need to help other because you need the warm fuzzy feeling it gives you? I love that feeling! I love helping others because I enjoy knowing that I have done something that will give them hope and positive interactions and maybe prevent them from making ad choices in life. I hope they will  pay  if forward and help someone else and in some way and let them know that this world is not full of hate and evil.

Everyone is not out to get recognition or the tangible. I am altruistic. I do not need anyone else to know what I did as long as I know what I did. To know that I helped someone else and that they will live a better life because they have hope, peace of mind, and love in it from something that I did makes me happy.

If you are truly altruistic you do good deeds often without even thinking about it and people may or may not thank you often. Moreover, you are not even looking for a thank you. You just do it because it is right. You enjoy doing what it right. It does feel amazing though to be blind-sided by a story of someone telling you of a time you were good unknowingly to them and how it made their whole day on their worse day ever and changed their life. Moments like those just brighten your whole day. It truly does make it worth while and those may be the exceptions and not the rule to why you should be altruistic it should never diminish making an effort. Don’t be the Egoist!

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Silent Screams


I see you out of the side of my eye stumbling, crying

You are ragged, drenched in sweat

Reaching for anyone

I saw you running in the shadows, hiding

Why are you hiding?

Don’t be afraid

They walk past you

They step on you

They step over you

The welts on your skin, the agony on your face, your bones sagging deep in your leather-worn skin


They almost notice you


They shake the buzz out of their ears

They keep moving

but me…



**I wrote this poem when thinking of the many people who are seen to be invisible in this world! The mentally disabled, the homeless, the incarcerated, the abused, and discriminated, and the list goes on…Will you hear them? Will you be an advocate and help them? How will you change the world for the better for them? Many times they just want to be heard they just need a friend. Can you offer that much; your time!?!

Misdirected Frustration

I have realized that there are times that we as people do not mean to be frustrated and that we do not even realize we are frustrated or have an attitude until it is far too late. And even then we are so committed to the moment that we will state that we do not when confronted because we are genuinely hurt or possibly embarrassed and our pride has been knocked down a few notches.

Many times when I get frustrated it is because I cannot help someone that I truly desire to help. An example would be my mom. She and I are quite close. My mom calls me often. However, some of her calls are about technology. I sometimes dread these calls because I am a kinesthetic learner/ person. Let’s be clear I do not dread them because of her, ONLY because I have a hard time visualizing the problem sometimes because I most of the time I need to physically see the issue and play with it on my own by putting my hands on it and doing it myself. So when my mom calls me and she needs something right at that moment and I cannot help her it tends to frustrate us both when I cannot and both of us have our tempers flare a bit. Mine because she cannot always understand what I feel is ‘simple’ enough for her to get and hers because what I am telling her does not make sense or is not solving her problem.

Many times these sort of issues do not escalate much farther and we sweep it under the rug. But as I was driving home later that day I thought about the incident. I thought and thought and realized no matter how irritated I was about it, it was because I could not help her. It was not because she called me at work, or because she had become frustrated with me, it was because I could not help her and that I had become frustrated right back. I wanted to immediately call and apologize. Then I realized I never do apologize after these circumstances, WE never do. It’s like an unspoken thing because, well we just don’t. I guess we could but we understand that it was not serious and that it was not worth it. We always sort of call each other the next day and talk about something else and move past it. We never hold a grudge over it and nothing ever fester from it which I am always grateful because I could not live knowing I hurt my mother and she was just holding on to it silently. No, that would just not do! My mom is a strong woman who is also very sensitive and I would never want to jeopardize that relationship.

As I thought deeper into how this situation went though I realized this could permeate across other relationships. Was this also happening with my husband? Did this sometimes happen between my parents? Were they away? Are my husband and I aware? I felt like my mind was blown! My husband and I had a long sit down! We had some talking to do. It started with him remembering that I have anxiety and that frustration means slow down and try to express things calmly which can be hard when you have anxiety and to work with me, lol. It’s still hard saying that I have GAD or generalized anxiety disorder and have since I was 16 but I have always felt I have had a good grip on it until I don’t. I seem pretty normal until I’m not. Until he thinks I’m crazy…So I remind him of his ‘safe’ zone words he may well want to stay away from and the fact that I am indeed not crazy just frustrated because I have anxiety and struggling to express myself properly at the moment and I need time to chill/ decompress. He’s still learning, we can usually laugh later but at the time my anxiety is no laughing matter. I always feel so ‘little’ during my moments. I am just glad between my mother,  husband, and of course God that they make me feel seen and encouraged. I was doing well on my own but with them I am thriving!

Blessings Big and Small

I wrote a post a few days ago about being in awe the other day and found it absolutely strange that someone liked my post that had the most opposed view of life than I. I was very skeptical of their reasoning behind why they chose to read my blog. I still am, not because I do not first want to believe the good in people (because I thanked them first almost blindly before viewing their page) but because then once I saw their page and the links on their page I was nervous of why I was so put on the spot. Why they chose my post to reblog.

Then I said hey I cannot worry about that. For whatever reason they chose it and poured it to a vastly larger pool of people I hope it reaches people who will find people who understand my message and my heart. That understand that I enjoy people as they are. I found the links within their blog hilarious because they reminded me of my younger brother and though I do not always agree with him and the things he does or posts in his facebook page he is quite the lil exhibitionist and I find it quite freeing and enduring because many say the same of me, LOL.

I would just rather do mine “exhibitionist” acts in person rather than where people can will see it online and it has a life of it’s own to live forever on the internet, LOL. When you are 60 with children and grandchildren would you rather say you did some of these things and laugh or have proof that you were caught doing these things. Some things are better left saying you did them than someone having proof of your “wilder” days, LOL.

Anyways, back to the blessings…I was in such awe that day for so many reasons. It was strange the mood I was in all week. Then this past weekend we played dirty santa with a group of friends. My husband who had never played was hilarious. He was like what is this game. I said I have played a version but I am not sure it is the same thing and indeed it was not. However, the version we played was much like white elephant. A price limit of  up to $10 was set yet obviously you know some people were going to spend more. Then the gifts are wrapped. Numbers are put in a container and then each person draws a number. The person who draws number 1 goes first. They open their gift and show everyone. Then the person who has 2 goes and either can steal #1’s gift or open one of the gifts still left on the table. If they steal #1’s gift they get to open another gift on the table (that they did not bring). Obviously you want to be the last to go, LOL. You want to see what everyone has so that you can steal what you want. Some people play that #1 gets to go twice since they either get the crappy gift or everyone steals from them. We did not, LOL. We established that rule before we started.

My husband got a gift he needed a key finder…remember in one of my post Goldilocks lost his glasses; one of the 4 things he always loses was his keys…I was so excited! The funny thing was before we could even put it on the keys the next day, we had to search for them for like 20 min, LMBO. Then, I was number 10. After it was stolen 3 times in the game, I finally was the last to steal it, a walmart gift card and a huge Hershey kiss which was something my husband wanted and originally got and was stolen from him. So I was his white knight or should I say Chocolate knight in more ways than one, LMBO.

The funny thing is every time we go to events and there are raffles and we win which has been sort of often lately thank GOD it has also been something that we have NEEDED not just wanted. I have been thrilled. Things that have helped make our (mainly my life with MG) easier. When we can take shortcuts or get a little extra cash it is always helpful. Again another positive experience for the hubs and I got to see him smile and have another new things to put on his list. What fun!


Always in Awe!


I frequently sit in awe of the things that God does for me. I understand that this may turn some people off my blog because they do not believe in him and I do not always speak openly about my beliefs. But make no mistake that though I do not make my blog solely about religious and sanctified, I am spiritual and I do believe in God. I do not force anyone else to believe by any means. I find that I love my diverse friends that believe in so many other ways. I feel that not only do they center me more in my way but that theirs are still very interesting and that it could be so for them.

I enjoy seeing them love others the same as I do and this cannot be altogether a bad thing. Moreover, I find that being in a life where I can respect others for their differences is a very valuable aspect that I wish everyone had.


And my goal is never to offend, which I hope and pray this does this image does not do but someone may feel it does.

My most fun moments are when I realize that if I have prevailed before that I can again because my God has allowed it and will do it again. I know it is a test to allow me to be stronger and that I must pass it. However, sometimes not always in the way that I expect. There are so many times that I know I could have and should died and God saw fit to let me live because there was something else that he has planned for me. What that is I am not sure, but he has not brought me through some of the most amazing and terrible things to leave me alone now. He has more things in store and he is not done with me yet and I know it will be amazing because I can tell he has been preparing me for something GREAT!

Caught in Purgatory


Have you ever found yourself caught in between two areas and you are not sure how to express which is the right one? You want to belong to aspect of life but you are long for another? You are not really sure which is right yet one seems to constantly cause issues but it makes you happy or feels right to an extent…

I feel this happens often to many of us. We find ourselves caught between how we are raised and how we are developing as adults! How the world and our experiences have shaped us and how we see ourselves or how we want to be.

So some of you may ask what is the problem with any of this? Well the problem comes in when you start having conflicting views. For example, that person you were raised to be is a smart, independent, individual with morals, but the world/ society has allowed you to become a essential, a leader, and key to many things what then?

How do you cope with going back to what will seem like nothingness to you? I have seen many people recently who have retired, been laid off, or changed jobs to a lesser job only to have issues in other aspects of their lives. This is called work/life spillover or negative balance. The individual cannot handle going from being superior, needed, important, and/ or the center of chaos or attention to the doldrums of regular life. This is boredom for them. You will find many of these people finding unhealthy coping mechanisms such as retired people going right back to work and working themselves to death, drinking, drugs, and/or lashing out at others (usually those closest to you).

The same can be said of people who are laid off or down graded on jobs. These people are going to be frustrated. It is hard to explain the connections they feel they no longer have, though they do it is not the same. They do not feel as close to the ‘action’. They feel left out. Many people who retire and are not really ready to retire and have not truly mad a plan for themselves are almost surly and unsettled. They feel the need to be busy at all times or they feel useless. In many cases you will find them doing the exact opposite (lying in the bed in a state of depression) because of this.

They miss being admired by those that worked under them. They have no one to control or boss around so to speak. They try it other environments and it doesn’t really go over well. Sometimes they feel disrespected by the ones they love because they feel they are not showing them the ‘respect’ they ‘deserve’; however, they are desiring them to sit back and be quiet as they are presiding over them as they would an employee instead of coming to them as family or an equal (if a spouse).

The individual tends to lose sight of all the things that have been happening in front of them as they slip further into depression/ anxiety. They tend to begin blaming others for everything bad, not seeing their faults, and believing that the world is affected is affected one way with or without them. (IE you would be nothing without me, or if I died no one would care!)

I personally have seen and dealt with many people who have been laid off, down-graded in jobs, and retired in the past decade. I have had to study several case studies on the matter as well in my psychology classes. I will say this, I do not prefer to deal with my own family because I am too close to the situation even though I know I can deal with it professionally, I am not sure the individuals could see it that way. When people are far enraged it is not always possible. I will say this, if you are family, friends, or otherwise reading this and feel that this expresses anything personal reading this, it is purely coincidental because my topic comes from recent discussions of layoffs at my organization, mass shootings in the news, and the like. However, if you feel this way, look inward and understand that compromise is a part of life. If you feel guilt or alarm, there may be a reason why! You may need to adjust some things! I am prepared to help and counsel anyone who needs it just ask!