Meeting Halfway

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I am a firm believer in HARD WORK! I believe if you work toward something and you want it bad enough that it will happen. I believe that sometimes it may not always come in the exact way that we expect but it will come because it is what we deserve because we reap what we sow. I just do not believe that someone can put in so much hard work and not be rewarded for their hard work. I don’t care if the only reward is that altruistic feeling of feeling amazing from knowing you did the hard work even if no one else knew or recognized you for it.

I helped people often and that is not to toot my own horn, because I cannot remember all the people I have helped, when, where, or with what, but it is to say that when I do I usually do not look for anything in return.

However, there are times that I have learned that you MUST. Though my dad has taught me many things in life, it has been my mother that has had to teach me that I cannot allow those that I am in a relationship and those that I work with take advantage of me. My dad would warn against people in the family and friends true, but my mom would warn against the more intimate ‘evil’. The ones that are harder to stand up to. The ones that prey on women a bit easier. Men do not have to deal with this as much so it was only right she be the one to teach me and my sister this.

My mom taught me that you had to learn when to say NO at work. You had to know your hard boundaries and not allow people to always make you feel like you were to do every project and all of their work simply because they asked you (whether you had spare time or not). Some people would become too reliant on you. It was okay to help sometimes but doing work outside of your scope of work too often without pay and recognition as a minority can be a double edged sword. Sometimes, it led to promotions and raises but that could be rare. Many times it went unnoticed and you were being altruistic. I did not mind it until I found that I was becoming burned out and could not always understand why (especially after being diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis). When I was made to make a list of my duties for both my evaluations and because my mom thought it was good idea before my evaluation I realized I was doing other people’s duties far too often.

The same is true in a relationship, when you find that you are doing more work and not working together as seamlessly as you should and that balance is off. It can become frustrating. When you are picking up the slack and making excuses because you find that you are having negative spillover from work and then you are just allowing everything to get out of whack, this is not good. You have to keep positive balance at home and work. Open communication and let your spouse know that things at work need to be corrected; however, things at home need to be corrected as well.

My mom taught me when dating to look for people who were willing to give me the world, but also had control. People may say that’s selfish, but it didn’t mean that I was not willing to do the same. I was always willing to do the same and that was the problem. I was willing to give someone the world and yet they had not always shown themselves worthy. They had not met me halfway and worked hard to prove that they were deserving. If then they did, they cannot stop, they must continue…because relationships are constant work and communication.

Dominant Independence to Vulnerability: Letting Go

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Life really knows how to throw some turns your way. I have always been as someone who was/ is strong and independent. However, once being diagnosed with MG those who know me well know that I have severe moments of vulnerability that have broken me down to that of a newborn babe to explain to terms that are completely adequate. I have been on breathing tubes, intubated, and feeding tubes. I have needed someone to wash me, catheters to help with lavatory needs, and people to help me re-learn how to speak, walk, and function each time I have a crisis.

When you go from one extreme of personality to the next it can really take it’s toll on you. You have to trust people, and not only do trust them but trust that they love you and understand what to do with this this love and trust. However, I have recently learned that sometimes people who I have given this trust during these vulnerable times have not really known what to do with it and therefore I feel they have misused it and for lack of a better word crapped on it. I feel they have taken it for granted and not realized that when someone is that vulnerable they can also become very easily changed in an instant based on how you treat them in those instances if they realized you have not treated them well during those times.

I have had friends that I trusted to care for me in some ways during this time whether it was as small as a phone call to check on me or as big as a helping me move. If they could not commit, they had to go because I trusted them to keep their promises and commit. I was extremely vulnerable and communication is everything during these times.

The same is said of family and spouses. I cannot go on pretending that people want to be in my life if they do not. I cannot allow people to be in my life out of convenience to THEM. I have far too much going on for such things. You have to choose to be in or out! But if you are in, my thought is that it must be a two way street where both parties are always trying to some extent and that this is communicated on in some way no matter how vague. Even if it’s the, “I trust you to be the friend that flakes” friend. I’m just saying everything has to have it’s standard and communication is the key. So with that said…when communication has failed, trust fails, and love hangs in the balance if it was ever there in the first place.

We must be careful of what we show people, because actions speak louder than words. Lip service has become the norm in society. We tend to say things before thinking, and though we sometimes mean well, people take our word for it becasue they want to believe the good in us. So then when it does not come to fruition they are left with disappointment and when this becomes a pattern and the norm what are you to them? Why do you speak? Why should anyone believe anything you say? Your word is no good! Your actions may speak louder, but if they only happen at your timing and sporadically people cannot find pattern in this nor comfort, so why trust in you? When someone is vulnerable they need stability and they need to be able to trust others. If they cannot trust in someone and know that you are a stable person, why are you there?

Will you find yourself being a selfish person standing in the way of someone’s healing, love, and stability because you refuse to see who you are? Know who you are and grow! It took me a long time to be okay being vulnerable and even longer to know that it was okay to put people out my life that had been there for so long that were no longer contributing to it. Can you do the same?

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Getting the Spark Back

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I heard an interesting topic on the radio about a young woman who had been married for 7 months and who already felt unattracted to her husband. She prefaced it with she is a Christian woman and that she she was finding many other men attractive but not her husband and was seeking the help of the radio personality for advice.

During this segment his readers tend to call in and weigh on the topic and usually in the most positive and respectful manner, not many radio shows where they can tear a person down as it is a Christian show. They are quite therapeutic. I found this particularly refreshing.

The radio personality first responded by giving his personal account saying that marriage has it’s ups and downs and that he had gone through this himself and how he handled his situation. But that as always and COMMUNICATION is the key.

We always cringe and feel this is so cliche but it is the pivotal corner stone that without it all else would fail. I kept waiting for someone on the call to say maybe she rushed into marriage…but at this point it was a moot point and though many may have thought it, it was a negative thought and again may not have been the case. It could have simply been just as stated that they lacked communication.

Most of us get married and forget how to communicate as we once did. We forget how to be there as we once were for one another. We get busy with life. We forget how to date one another and send those texts or have those phone calls we once had with one another. We forget to send flowers, give compliments, or dress nice every so often for just your spouse.

And though we hate to admit sometimes it could be that the spouse gained some weight and it’s the hard talk of not physically being attracted for that reason. But then you have to be prepared to be their rock to get them back on track. Both of you eating healthy, cooking healthy, and having fun doing it. Planning fun and great workouts, not just sending them to their ‘doomed’ trainer and so on and saying YOU need to do this and leaving them to do it all alone and just paying for it…that’s not how it works.

Sometimes communication requires you both taking a closer look and what is holding you both where you are. Do you have a plan “b” in your phone causing your roaming eye as you and your spouse stumble? Delete the numbers and maybe block/ unfriend these people on social media so that you can fully pour all your efforts into your spouse again and only truly have eyes for your spouse again.

Marriage does have it’s ups and downs but unless you are willing to go to therapy, pray, or fight for it, you will not be able to get that spark back and you will continue to drift apart. You have to work at marriage all the time. You are two different people, from different backgrounds, who lead two different lives and come home with a day’s worth of different emotions and then are expected to live a life a together. It’s possible but you have to want it!

When It All Comes Together

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There are times when things just seem to fall into place like the perfect puzzle. I mean they seem to start to fall into place no matter how hard they did not want to before. I was in so much stress just a few months back and struggling mentally with some things before and now. I have decided that whether these things truly come to pass or not I have plan and a back up plan and that I am fine with either. I am going to be content with these plans and keep pushing forward.

I am trying to be upbeat because it is pretty much all I know how to be! I mean I know I am not perfect and so does everyone around me and I can live with that. I enjoy the feeling I get when I know that my hard work pays off and that when you put out your good intentions and vibes in the world they do come back in the same way. I may not do everything I want to but I know that I have a really good heart and I try to think of others often.

I pray for others often and they may never know it but, they are constantly on my mind because I want to see them do well even if I forget to call, text, or facebook them once every 3 months, LOL. Sometimes it can be hard for me to talk to people who are constantly more negative than positive because it drains me and when there are a lot of them and they do not listen to advice or perpetuate more negativity I have to distance myself a bit so that it does not sour my mood. I only want to uplift people and some people can make that really hard.

If I could tattoo a smiley face on everyone’s heart and make it rain hearts and flowers I would. But since  I can’t will have to go with my method of loving people in the only ways I know how and that is to uplift them when I can, love them no matter what, and do what I can, when I can! This also includes helping the random stranger at the library adjust her paragraph formatting to reduce the spacing as she as not as familiar with computers.

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And letting my 1-3 drivers in at certain locations along my route home in traffic. I love doing my good deeds. I also enjoy helping the odd person read something or find something in the store that they may be looking for though I totally do not work there.

So when good things happen to me I am still surprised, not because I feel like I deserve them but because I feel like my one little good deed could not have possibly warranted such an amazing blessing sometimes. I am always so grateful.

Sex and Your Inhibitions Part 2

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So as promised today we will talk about ‘your flavors’ and the language of sex and love…

Lets start with the really fun stuff…the flavors of sex

We all have different flavors

The flavors of sex refers to your style and presence in the bedroom with your partner. How to you say come hither and turn on your partner? Do you like plain old Vanilla sex? That’s the not so kinky, no toys, no add-ons just plain old 1:1 love with your partner! I still find this pretty kinky if you have the right party if they love positions…Karma Sutra is pretty fun and intimate yet many states and countries look at you as if you ave grown 2 heads for even mentioning such a thing. Yet you have many people who HAVE to try other positions for conception purposes or comfort needs due to their partner’s size. If you were the good Christian and waited until marriage and got to your wedding night and found that your partner had a pretty small or large member you have to accommodate that with special positions that sometimes missionary cannot satisfy you both. Not to mention gets pretty durn boring. Sometimes your partner has other conditions warranting special accommodations so you cannot dismiss why people need these more intimate or in your mind wild positions.

The same goes for the not so vanilla sex. Yes people, there are those who greatly enjoy toys, bondage, and other people in the bedroom. Toys does not always mean huge flying dildos! They can simply mean food, feathers, or small vibrating items. Bondage can simply mean scarves, ties, blindfolds, and yes progress to more extravagant things. As far as other people in the bedroom, this can be more tricky and is something that must be agreed on by all parties and takes a truly mature group. It is not always like you see in movies or ideas of swingers’ clubs or drunken teenage frat college days.

It’s all about perception and your mindfulness. Know your flavor and your desire and talk about it with your partner. If you are adult enough to have sex then you should be adult enough to have such discussions! Do you have an closed relationship, semi-open relationship, or completely open relationship? Know your boundaries!

NOW let’s talk about the language of LOVE

We all speak about sex and love and intimacy differently! You read books about relationships all the time trying to decipher what men are thinking and what women are thinking! But it’s not always as hard as you are making it out to be. I know that again is easier put in writing than when it is actually happening!

First before I begin saying anything about what type of person you may be let’s talk about how men and women respond to each other! Men will say exactly what they mean in most cases but tend to struggle with emotional expression. Women tend to internalize things and hope that men will read our emotions. Sadly both sexes have been taught this behavior. Men have been taught that emotion is weak while women have been taught that they should be emotional and not tell men what to do. So the dilemma is that women are frustrated because they cannot always tell me what they want and expect them to figure out why they feel the way they do. Not to mention if they were bold enough to say something once that men should figure out they are still feeling emotional about it later.

However, men do no process or think in this way. They handle the situation right then and there. They do not dwell on things unless you do and only to try to figure out why you are feeling this way because they are at a loss. They are not mind readers. They have NO CLUE why you are feeling this way. You assume they do and so you go about huffing and puffing and they are trying to satiate you but doing little things and you think they are doing this because they know, but they are doing it because they think they are in trouble and they just want you to stop or be happy. They hope they are fixing the problem, but are clueless. So put them out of their misery and be a MODERN adult and tell them!

Men I an not going to say you have to change your whole code and become a pile of mush but telling your partner here and there she looks nice if she does and doing something special FOR HER sometimes will go a VERY long way. No matter how small. I promise.

LANGUAGES OF LOVE

We all speak different languages. some of us are givers, takers, talkers, touchy feely, or just prefer to spend time. These equate to the languages of love. People tend to experience love through gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch (intimacy). Some people only know how to express love in one way by giving gifts or by spending quality time, or by telling someone how much they love them and complimenting the all the time and the so on. Some people have more than one language. However, we all have one dominant way even if we have several or possess all 5 languages naturally.

Your language may directly connect with your level of sex!!! If you are a giver but he is not giving you the opportunity to do so in bedroom is this causing a problem? Do you feel muted because you need toys, warming gels, or some form of ‘kink’ you feel to help you feel you are ‘giving’ in the bedroom and he is shutting this down?

The same could be said f the male in the bedroom who may be a taker and use to getting often and she is not but she is a physical touch person. He may be have his signals crossed. He may not understand that intimacy is not always sex. They may be able to find common ground with proper communication.

Communication is the key with all of this! More to come tomorrow where I will talk about sex and the application of your kink!