SENSELESS

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Staring into the emptiness

No thoughts no words no dreams in the day

Catatonic

Lips stitched together with the invisible sinew of the pharaohs

Crying out for an explanation

For something anything that makes sense

The world folds in on me in a labyrinth of contrasting light and dark

I sit blinded, unable to adjust

Wishing to get up but an anchor weighs my heart and body to its spot

The captain steers me

My head turns, my teeth appear, and my lips turn upward at the the corners

I nod my head toward someone and move my hands over a flat surface and screen

Then the captain takes me into a room and he lets water run down my face

The Dam Breaks (She Wept)

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Daydreamer dreaming about dreams

Dreaming about life

A life that has escaped her

A laugh-less house

A house void of the pitter patter of litter feet

A house that never became a home

Built on cracked glass waiting to burst into a shrapnel

Impaling and then poisoning every aspect of her life

Believing that she have nothing left to give

Nothing left do

She can’t meltdown

Crying seems an abstract thought, she is beyond that

She is angry

Days go by, weeks, months

Then she is calm, too calm

She is thinking about the hurt that was caused

The missed opportunities, past and future

She must start over

But time is not her friend and she honestly does not want to

She blames herself for everything

She finally allows the demon in

It reaps her soul and ravages her very being

So She WEPT

 

Raw

Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood

I have been flayed slowly one layer at a time

Each piece seemingly to happen over an eternity of tears and curses

Bleeding and praying

Watching my heart pulse, quiver, and sputter

You pull another layer away each time you open your mouth

I watch my brain synapses jump, light up, spark, crackle, and fizzle

Another layer is peeled away as you refuse to share

Finally my remaining muscles are stripped of nutrients and size as I sit waiting

Because the last layer is snatched off the bone because love is lost

 

My Wonderful Followers

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Yesterday I posted about feedback in one’s writing career and depression. Who would have thought that the two topics would have seemed to merge into an overwhelming response of feedback of positive responses of support and information of how to’s, try this, similar experiences, internet hugs, and cheery smiles and messages to make me smile. The out pour of support was just so amazing. I was not expecting it and yet it was there.

I was offered free advice on how to creatively write better through daily prompts, and even offered some prompts (thank you ladies and gents I so appreciate it because I did not know where to begin and I truly appreciate it), I was offered free hypnosis (which I may take you up on this, lol), I was offered smiles and hugs which I take graciously because they are contagious and make me smile and feel so warm and fuzzy.

I enjoy the opportunity to share with you all because you make me feel like I am being HEARD! You care about what I have to say because you not only read it but some of you have been through it before and can relate to it. It makes my writing have a purpose. It makes my writing come to life. It does what I do everyday in life for my mother and brother, I advocate…I advocate for writers, for justice, for love for so many things, but I especially advocate for those who have health or mental health issues.

Thank you to all my followers who have shown me support especially during the last few weeks. Your support is one the reasons I have continued to flourish!

Strangers vs. Familiars: Horray for Strangers

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It’s amazing how people you have never met can be so much more kind than people you have known all your life. I have learned that people I have met through blogging have a common connection with you becasue of another blogger or interest and usually have gone looking for your blog through that interest. Therefore, in a way they have come looking for you. They have the option to follow you or not and to unfollow you at anytime.

Unlike facebook or twitter where people get so intimate that they feel the need becasue they see a comment box that even if they do not know you they will put the most negative comments becasue they feel they have a right because they have access to your page. Yes we have freedom of speech but these people are still human and they did not seek you out and post on your intimate pictures about your intimate events negative things.

Some people feel like you shouldn’t post about them, but you have the right to post what you wish without feeling as if someone is going to attack you because they are immature and ignorant. This is what I like about wordpress and why I actually do not let every post of mine automatically post to my facebook or twitter. People who you are familiar with tend to be some of the most harsh and critical people. They also be the most in your business and negative people you could have ever met which is pretty sad. They make you feel guilty and ashamed for having issues of any type. Moreover, they also seem to never be happy for you when you are happy but are the first ones to offer ‘help’ when you are down…seems a bit backwards to me. Where is the friendship all the time. I don’t mean 24/7 but in all types of situations, good, bad, and everything in between. I know we can’t comment on everything but geesh only coming around when I’m sad is strange (which on my fb I rarely even post a sad post).

They have no empathy until something is happening to them. I never realized how badly friends and family can really make you feel…but thankfully I other friends and family that make up for the ones who are negative. I also have those strangers and followers on my blog who combined show more support and empathy than I could have ever thought possible when I have been going through the darkest times of my life in the last 3 years.

People are interesting characters!

Depression is ALIVE

I have to admit that for me this is unnatural but very real. I am struggling with depression. I usually have a down time for about a day and shake it off but I can honestly say it has stuck for longer than that this time. It’s starting to affect my perception of how I see things. I am seeing the down side of things constantly. I am seeing the negative picture.

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Where is the beautiful flower? All I see is the missing aspects of it! I’m longing for every moment of distraction, my book writing, my games, my reading, talking to my friends, because the problems that are there are not being fixed and not fast enough. They are not even really beginning to be fixed because I’m stuck in a constant state of anxiety. I’m constantly waiting for the next screw up since that is all that appears to happen and all I have seen in the past.

As a person who is used to showing grace and mercy often, this is causing me great cognitive dissonance, but the trending information I have received from the situation has caused me so much distress I can’t help but feel this anxiety and depression now. Moreover, I have lost faith because there has been little to no attempt to show habitual change, compromise, and effort to reduce my anxiety from the parties involved.

The biggest problem is that I believe I have already dealt with/ stayed too long in the situation letting it reach the apex where I have become someone I don’t like being, a person I used to be. Now I have agreed to try longer at least 3 more months to see if this can be resolved yet  have no idea if I can control my emotions or actions long enough to even be be fair (not that anyone would fault me if I was not).

I will be speaking to my therapist about this today but I believe I have a good idea of what she will say about this…

Tired is as Tired Does!

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I have a friend who keeps reminding me that the reason I am tired is because I have not slowed down to rest and I keep going non-stop. I think to myself…DERH! I know this, I am sure it’s written all over my face in bold permanent marker that refuses to go away. The sad part is that I do not have much of a choice. For some reason, when I am not as busy in one aspect of my life other aspects decide they want to pick of the ‘slack’ and require that I become busy.

Example, I get a day of rest coming up on the calendar that I have been looking forward to for weeks because I have taken it off or because it is a holiday and somehow everyone I know wants to schedule something with me that day. I feel bad because I am not as social as I once was because of school in the past, now work, and MG. Most days I can push through the MG, rest is still very important. So when I can get it I try so that I do not land myself in the hospital or rack up unnecessary treatments when I can save my veins and PAIN from the treatments. They are not that pleasant. Moreover, they also require TIME. Something I already have little of. So if I get run down then I have to add in treatments and then figure out when I have time for them which actually makes me busier.

I also try to take on things I enjoy too and yes eustress (good stress) is still stress. Your body still becomes tired after it. Even after the great adrenaline rush that occurs and all the positive benefits, you still ‘crash’ afterwards become tired afterwards. Your body has to recover.

Sometimes the best way for me to prepare for such days are to take more than one day off; one to hang out with 1 or more people and then next to actually rest. It sounds crazy but I have got to rest sometimes. I work more than 50 hours every week. Sometimes I just have to do the low key things like eating out (eating the healthier options when I can) or doing an art class (I love all types of art so it doesn’t really matter).

When I get too tired…I just hide. I stop calling people and go to work and home and forget people exist. It’s not intentional anymore. It’s a coping mechanism I developed in undergrad when I wanted to be left alone by those I dated and it spread to all relationships over time. It developed into a habit now and I seem like a hermit when I am really stressed. No one hears from me and I do not always realize I am doing this until one of my best friends/or parents texts or calls me and says they have not heard from me in a while. It’s sad but true. I don’t mean to push anyone away but I just get focused on getting things done and then getting home as quickly as possible to relax because that is all I have the energy for until I can create more time. So I sustain this behavior until someone snaps me out of it and I try to rearrange things/ re-access if I am actually still busy or actually on autopilot!

It’s crazy how focused and habitual we can become!

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Mental Relief…

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So I went to my appointment with the first therapist last week and as I said she was not great, check my post last week about it, the good and bad of therapy. No she was not the first therapist I have ever had in my life so I have basis for comparison. However, she is  actually going to be a therapist for my husband and therefore asked that I come in and give background information because there was so much conflict. My husband and I agreed this was okay. So I did, but I definitely did not like this therapist for myself and needed to quickly find one for myself and one for us to both go to once the timing was right in a a couple of weeks to try to do a session together to hash out or issues.

We decided that he had other issues outside of the marriage he would continue to see her for so he needs her for that and I need my own therapist for the same reason but we will get a third therapist for marital counseling too. WE figure this will help us grow stronger but also to prevent he or myself from feeling as though any particular therapist we already have a ‘relationship’ with is taking sides.

I believe I have chosen that person but we will see. So far he enjoys the therapist I did not like…I do not want us to go to long individualized because as each marital counselor has stated and as I already knew from getting a degree in psychology going to long apart in therapy could cause us to grow apart naturally in our marriage where there is already conflict.

I do believe that with therapy it is possible for us to fix our relationship issues but only if each of us are willing to make changes and sacrifices. Mine will likely come in the form of giving up power while his will likely come in the form of needing to learn how to take on responsibility. It is something I am uncomfortable doing when I feel I cannot trust giving up power and it going the right way. It does not have to go my way as long as it WORKS. I need to see organization, plans, a system to know that things will happen. Too many times I have tried to trust that this will be the case and then at the final hour, minute, second realized, there was nothing and I have to scoop up everything and do it myself…(that’s if I let it get that far without my plan b already planned to the 9’s style).

On the plus side, in addition to finishing up with his dr. this week. I get to see my doctor and have my first hypnotherapy session and I am excited. I can hardly wait and I plan to incorporate it into either my morning routine or my bedtime routine as part of my meditation. I am just thrilled!

The Good and the Bad of Therapy

So when you need to talk to someone, you really need to talk to someone. I went to therapy and having been someone who has been to therapy before I know what it feels like to have a great release and to feel unloaded and feel free and how it feels to still feel unresolved or even downtrodden. Yesterday I left the therapist’s office feeling a feeling like the latter. I guess it was more because she was giving me a kudos like I was ‘brave for coming to therapy’ which I see no stigma toward. Moreover, having been told about my high anxiety before dealing with acceptance and the need to satisfy others and so forth, it was weird to see that she was unable to pick up on certain things.

I was did not expect her to dig through my past or past files but to see me as I am now. However, when someone specifically asks you about a certain situation and what brings you in there then tells you that ALL your issues must and basically CAN only be related to that it is a bit annoying. I mean since you did not look into my past you probably should not try to diagnose me then. The words use were you only talked about issues regarding this situation…and my response was um yea because you only asked about that. I could go on in detail about other aspects of my life but that is not why we are here. That is not what is sending me over the top causing my anxiety to peak. That is not what is making me stutter why trying to understand how you could be so blind.

Moreover, I am still in shock (reflecting upon my own personality evaluations over the years for school and fun) how I have gone from other type and models to a dang near full blown type A personality. I feel it is directly related to the current situation in which I am sitting in this office yet we have not really touched this and I know this is only the first session and there is only 45 min in which to speak but gosh.

I will say that as someone who has studied psychology for many years and greatly enjoys it, I was a bit dejected! I will not say I know more than her by far because I am not versed in her modality but I do know how to use the DSM manual and when she pulled it out to try and diagnose me after 45 min I was not thrilled. Moreover, only to say that I had both anxiety and depression due to my issue. I guess it seems logical and I can accept it but I have always hated accepting depression because I am such a cheery person so when something or someone changes that it actually PISSES ME OFF. She tried rattling off the signs/ symptoms of what put me in the category of each but I did not need her to do either and stopped her (not trying to be rude, of course) but I knew that manual inside and out. I studied it too. Though news ones come out often we all know the newest ones, the new highlights, and the most common diagnoses. I was dejected because I accept anxiety but every time I was told I had depression it was so short lived no one even bothered to really ‘say’ it because it would be gone in 10 seconds. I just do not hold on to it. But she believes I have been so for several months of and on and that I have been ignoring it.

Furthermore, she also was like I commend you for finding ways to treat/ reward yourself. I appreciated her trying in hindsight for all the kudos…but at the time it seemed for much like she was giving praise to a child who drew a crayon drawing all outside the lines but you still like the drawing because they tried.

She kept reassuring me that it was good that I listened to her advice about matching up my therapists for the other things I needed that she does not cover that are more specialized and that she can be brought in on and that this was also brave. Again I felt like that child and felt that this was not just my responsibility as I am not the only person in this but I digress on that for now.

I will say that being overwhelmed I am in a world of hurt and confusion and honestly though I knew I probably would not get a full release yesterday, I did expect to feel some sort of weight lifted yesterday where there was none. I guess the only weight lifted was the one last week where I felt I found the therapist. Maybe, things will change when I see my other therapist/ hypnotist on Thursday. She will be my full-time therapist anyway. Maybe that connection will be better. I pray so.

 

A Breakdown for A buildup & I Want EGGS

Everyone always says how strong I am. Both physically and in spirit. I always think to myself maybe physically but I am not that strong spiritually surely not! They say we mean to say you are resilient. I say I guess. I believe them in hindsight, but as I am going through things it is always a bit harder to see. I always have to give myself a bit of a self-talk and say yes I have been through this or that and I can get through this now. However, when it comes to Myasthenia Gravis…to me there are days I think of it like a cancer. I just want to be like my friend and say F Cancer. He use to say it all the time when his brother was living. His brother was strong and a fighter and even when he was on the Up swing he would say it. His brother was famous and was all over the t.v. and I never got to meet him but my father worked with him and I met his brother while working at my current job before he left.

Well last night I said it…I said F Myasthenia Gravis. I was tired of feeling like a slave to it. I usually am so mild about it. Not just in front of ‘audience’ but behind the scenes too. I have to stay strong for my family and never let them know how much it hurts to feel inferior. To feel WEAK. Someone who felt like a athlete who has to feel side-lined. I am not sure get that back and I want it so bad. I have to get back my swimming. I have to get my life back. I have to get ME back.

I said F Myasthenia Gravis because I am tired of having moments when I am not sure why this or that is happening. I cannot always track why something has happened to me because I am an anomaly among fellow myasthenic people. It’s always a mystery to the doctors what is happening to me. I never blame them just work around it.

I saw F myasthenia because it makes me cry. It makes me break down when I want to be happy. It makes me scared where I had no fear. It makes me wonder if I am going to die from something as simple as the inability to clear my throat. Something most people take for granted. You all probably do it without thought often. But when I am symptomatic I do not even have the strength to do that. So then the mucus forms and gets stuck and I am choking. If I cannot calm myself and relax and gain enough strength or get to my suction machine in time, I am in deep trouble. Yes anxiety which I suffer from makes MG worse! YAY me! And believe me calling an ambulance does not help because they will NOT suction you unless they see an object so they just keep talking to you and asking you questions (it has happened). Being certified in CPR/FA I get it but they do not understand MG and they honestly have no idea what it is. They had to keep asking what it was and how to spell it. I had to keep pointing to my bracelet.

I say F Myasthenia Gravis because no matter how much you want to forget you have it because you are stable and things are going well, it always reminds you that you have it. You have a flare up, you have to fill out a questionnaire at the doctor’s office, you do an activity that just manages to overdo a muscle, or someone who hasn’t seen you or know your situation reminds you by asking something like when you guys going to have kids!

So yea last night was another night that I broke down and just cried about things. I was sitting in the car on the way home from my part-time job and had the mucus issue and not enough strength to cough. I panicked. Then I calmed myself and said I can make it home to use my machine and I knew I could relax enough to clear my throat. Many people would say why not take your portable machine with you. I totally forgot. I am not used to carrying it everywhere because when I as sick as I was 2 days ago I could not. I was too weak to carry it anywhere. If it was in the car as everyone suggests I keep it (with my husband at work) I would have died trying to get to it just to use it. I could barely walk let alone lift it (though it does not weigh much). Some people also ask why I do not have 2 of them…I was ‘given’ this one by the hospice of the hospital and that was over a year ago and I have no idea who contact as my insurance paid for it and I have not seen a bill since, even though it is supposed to be paid for monthly…It does not seem to show up on my insurance and I can see everything that comes up on my insurance (charges). So i’m stuck as to who to contact to get another.

If I could just buy another straight out I would, but like oxygen, I think it requires a prescription or something since they ‘train’ you on how to use the unit and what have you. I also need additional supplies soon and so I have to contact someone so… we will see how this all goes.

Anyways, after breaking down I found myself apologizing to my husband who had to witness me come through the door crying. I apologized for crying and being upset as I came through the door saying how I hated having MG. I was just fed up of being afraid. I do not like not having control. I explained that I was just tired of feeling that was and feeling like I was always running out of energy at the worst times. An he told me not to worry and just rest. I said well I would like to and he took my coat off and can you make me some eggs, LOL.