Everyone has dreams that they wish they could just live inside of, even those dreams that they feel guilty they had but still did not want to end. I can honestly say the only time I feel guilty about my dreams now are because I of what was suppose to be and did not come to pass and where I want to be.
However, I am honestly (as I said just a few days ago) getting back to happy. I just cannot keep allowing others to make me feel so trapped and closed in, stifled and suffering while they somehow get pleasure and I don’t.
My dreams have always been both an escape and a warning/lesson. they tend to passively remind and teach me the things that I do not want to see or learn when I am awake. Moreover, my dreams are an escape into the great possibilities that can be when I just let myself drift and stop fighting.
Even if sometimes they do get a little weird…that just makes it more interesting because usually it doesn’t even seem weird until I really think about it a few days later. Usually weird seems perfectly normal to me. I enjoy a weird life! #teamweird
As promised here is part 2 of my struggles. I can’t say they are always struggles as I have learned so much about myself but I still find them to be fears or frustrations so I struggle with the issues. One of these issues would be nightmares…I have increasingly more nightmares or unwanted dreams in the last year. I mean this may I have no idea how normal this is for most people but I usually do not have nightmares or bad dreams and I have had a TON of what I consider bad dreams lately. Though I know their source I have no idea what they mean. I truly do not like the uncertainty and the people by which I am dreaming concern me a great deal. Moreover, the stupid loop dreams are killin me. I think I am awake and then they sort of loop and start over and it’s almost like inception mixed with my whack job warping that gives me just enough leverage to know it’s a dream but I can’t wake up UGH. Usually nothing scary just annoying as all get out, LOL.
When did people become so surly, rude, AND/OR impassioned that it was okay not to have a conversation or debate with intellect, facts, and the occasional well thought out opinion with some supportive evidence. I mean we all enjoy talking about current events ranging from politics (well maybe not so much, lol) to the Olympics, but I have almost not even desired to open my mouth as people’s sensitivities appear to get hurt when I open my mouth. It’s extremely frustrating because I usually learn within the conversation or debate the person I am taking to has not even educated themselves on the person they are speaking about.Many times they have their own opinion of them already (good or bad) and the image is stuck and possibly quite superficial. They refuse to take in any new information about the person regardless if the person committed 10 crimes though formerly they were a Saint (not saying this was the case). Now I believe it is okay to be passionate about your conversation, cause, or topic it shows you care and have something more deeply rooted behind why you like the person/ cause/ topic; however, refusing to hear another person’s point and saying I don’t care what you say about this person, I won’t believe they are this or that or STAY of their case without hearing that person’s cause is rough…This last week dealing with several different issues I got SHUT DOWN just like that and it was quite rude and annoying. I mean from the it went to issues regarding personal matters, to things at work, to topics about the Olympics and all by different people and the funny part was I wasn’t even the one bringing up the topic some of the time, LMBO. I was just shocked at how it all seems to happen more and more in the world but how it all happened to me so much in one week. Man I definitely can say everyone I was dealing with needs a vacation ASAP before I start becoming a hermit.
Recently not having time to myself anymore for anything. I mean I knew picking up a part-time job would suck some of my free-time away but it also took so much energy I just cannot even function when I do have days off and that was after cutting the hours back on the part-time job. My husband said he understood but I sadly do not think he fully gets how it feels when you are both Type A and need to get things straight and finished because you cannot trust others to do it (okay well him mainly) and when you want to relax but the time you put aside for it you are so fatigued that you cannot even enjoy it. Like being tired and relaxing are NOT the same thing. Like some days I just want to enjoy cooking a great meal, doing an art project, going for a swim or workout, playing a game, or talking to friends on the phone! But then I get home and I am so tired that my Myasthenia Gravis says Nope and I am slurring and I have to choose between taking meds and not slurring enough to eat or talking to them on the phone and maybe eating 2 bites and being hungry all night because I won’t really be able to eat it without choking and I will have horrible indigestion and heart burn and mucus build up (since I can’t drink water to thin it out- remember I can’t swallow and this means choking and literally drowning). Then people say text and I can only do that so long before my fingers give out too because I have a job where I must type. At home I can use my dragon speech system but at work I have not used it trying to be as ‘normal’ as possible. So I try to upload snap chats of me and posts giving quick updates so they know I am ‘alive’ and the countdown to treatment so that they know when I can finally be semi-normal again. I feel so bad though because I feel like a horrible friend. I want to do so much more with them. And I truly miss them all! It makes me feel pretty lonely sometimes and I find myself wanting to cry but since that will cause worsening symptoms I don’t but I tear up often and they just fall. I know this is something that some people will just not understand.
I have learned that I let my emotions run me sometimes and sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes this is a bad thing. Last night it was an interesting one. Lately my dreams have been fueled with all sorts moments that trippy moments but the funny part is when I woke up remembering most of it I think to myself how normal that dream was. As in yea that should have happened, or could have happened. Or normal as in yep that is my life knowing fool well that I did not, have not, and in some cases could never happen like last night’s dream…but I could infer what it meant, LOL. But dang I wanted to be Prince’s Wife UGH!
Last night I was married to Prince and we had an amazing house and He was playing on a huge projector screen and I was Beat TO THE GAWDS honey. When I tell you I was fly, I was gorgeous and I do not say that about myself often. I felt amazing. And then I felt I had to keep up costume changes with him. And to say that standing next to PRINCE is saying something child. I mean he was all kinds of gorgeous! I was showing off our new house to my family including my now husband as if he wasn’t really my husband but sort of was but in my mind I was like um not legally no more because I’m HIS, LMBO.
I mean I had already been so close to the man and was hugging on him and kissing him and well we won’t get to graphic, lol. But I will say being a fan of Prince for so long I think I finally had my way with this man.
Later in the dream, true to form he even threw shade at me for walking his brother out to the limo as they were leaving and his ‘little’ brother had his arm around me trying to be fresh and I corrected him. I had to play it off even though he ‘reprimanded me’ but I liked it in a Christian Grey sort of way. I was waiting for him to get me alone and ‘punish me’. Oh boy! Yea I may be a lil twisted but Prince could do no wrong in this fantasy! YUM!
But then one section of our house was a mess and then another and I kept closing doors and trying to cover it. And the other room I was in, my changing room, was also messy so I just kept the door closed while dressing. I felt like things were falling apart a bit at this point of the dream and just woke up because my fantasy was falling apart. I do not like disarray. It disturbs the realism of the fantasy because as a rich couple it would never be that messy. We would have people for that or clean it ourselves because I like order. So it woke me slam up.
I wanted to try to go back to sleep after I realized I woke up an hour before my alarm clock to see if I could get back to sleep to relive the earliest part of the dream. That felt right. I guess that’s what peanut butter crackers just before bed will do to ya.
Many of my dreams have been similar to this lately. They may be in my normal setting (environment) but I’m married to a celebrity or person I have known for a long time that I usually have not considered on that level before. Or I’m in a different environment I’ve never known with people from the past that (even if they didn’t work are somehow working in the fantasy). And like I said I wake up like meh. And keep trucking. Then there are days like today where I just want to bask in the dream and sleep for a few days or live in that world instead (minus the mess).
Most mornings I wake up I have a song in my head that I cannot seem to get rid of. It is not always the same one but sometimes I will have the same one in my head for several days in a row in the morning. It does not usually stick in my head all day and if you ask me what song it was that morning I may not always remember by thee night much like a dream.
A lot of times it tends to be a song from my past that I listened to none stop that meant something to me at the time that for some reason I was fixated on. I mean some of them are truly catchy songs that if I sang out loud would probably embarrass even the most openly sensual person, while others are some of the most saintly encouraging gospel tunes ever and everything in between.
These songs all remind of a story each morning and play automatically through my head even when some songs I try to will away due to the nature of the song (not the memory it brings necessarily, lol). When you know the unedited version of my neck, my back by Khia, wel… I will say it was a challenge to know the song due to all the people I hung around, being young, and playing in clubs. I had to know the words and be in the know back then. I did not want to be labeled as an outmode.
But now I look at these songs and sort of laugh, because the mornings that I manage to NOT have a song already flitting in my mind I feel off. I feel incomplete and wrong and the day feels ominous and brooding like something bad may happen sometimes.
So sometimes as soon as I get in the car or fully wake up if it is the weekend, I get the music going and get a song in my head and start the day of right and get that song in my heart. I get myself feeling a lot better and say it will be a good day and get that self talk going. I start pouring in what feels right! I make my own recipe for a good day. I make a great playlists and get it together just randomly going through my iTouch or the radio and it inspires me! When you feel angry with someone or the day is just going sideways, ask them to put a song (or a few, lol) in their heart and you do the same and see if it makes things better before you both come back to one another and talk. It can truly work wonders!
Why is it that when you do something in real life to yourself that it takes weeks, months, or even years before you can accept it in your dreams? Let me explain, if you lose 50 lbs or get a small scar on your face, you know what you look like in a mirror but in your dreams you continue not to see this difference and try on clothes and wonder why you cannot fit that new size you just lost weight to fit into or recognize your scar is not there when doing make-up in a dream but you know it should be. It takes months before it naturally appears after seeing it everyday and dealing with it on a constant basis. It also has to sink into you subconscious. this was even the case with each new boyfriend growing up and even when I got married, LOL.
However, with my MG it was almost immediate. That was the first time in my life that happened. Almost as soon as I got the disorder, I dreamed I had it and all it’s effects were there. It scared me. I actually had been dreaming about it before it was completely confirmed. I had constant dreams about not being able to move, pick things up, breathe, walk, and it was horrible. Though the bad dreams have died down because I now am stable and know it is not always like that for MG patients 24/7 I had never been able to have a dream so quickly about current situation. I could see the tubes from the hospitals and every current bruising or scar I had endured during this time. It made me severely anxious as well. The logical psychologist in me says it’s stress; however, if you knew me well you would know that stress encompasses many of the other things I spoke on as well. So I guess maybe the level of stress, then…
I have a lot of ‘premonition’ dreams and I have a lot of lucid dreams where I can will something to happen because I know I am dreaming but never the type of dreaming I’m talking about deals with how we perceive our own bodies and selves on a daily basis. How we see our lives. I can never quite dream about the normal me usually the next day if something drastic happens like a new haircut, a fresh scar, tattoo, or the like.
Am I the only one?