I look at crying as the laundromat for the soul. Though I do not do it often when I do I feel it cleanses you and your spirit sometimes and allows you the ability to start fresh and move forward without need to explain or even say what the issue was that was plaguing you. In some ways I feel that blogging can now be that for me as well. I have found many outlets in my life that have dried up my tears and prevented me from being so overly sensitive. I went through a strange period (most of us call it being a teen) where I cried often), then as I broke out of that I was not sure how to vent and yelled often. Then I had to learn how to find positive ways to vent. I wrote in a journal.
My sister gave me this purple binder and I scribbled all over it and put stickers from my college homecoming freebie bag on it. There are a lot of m.t.v. things on it funny enough that make me feel super old now. She also gave me notebook paper that was purple and said ‘boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!’ with little boy running on each page with rocks whizzing behind him squarely in the center. It’s part of a the davidandgoliath.com collection. I love their stuff now. I’m not a fan of purple but it was the thought that counted. I actually started writing in the book often at first and always when I had a really great encounter or really bad encounter. When I read it now it reads like an absolutely bipolar individual. My therapist was concerned for a while until she realized that there were huge gaps in time, lol. Though there are plenty of blank pages now that I can write in even now I still cannot bring myself to write my new life in it unless I buy new pages with a different color as it would need to symbolize a different chapter in my life now.
I also do not like to write as much now because the repetitive fine motor movement is an issue for my MG and causes muscular issues for days to come. I would rather have movement of my hand and fingers, even though I do miss writing. But I tend to write pages at a time in my journal. Now I find solace in blogging, looking at other’s travels and trying recipes, and hearing your stories. I also love reading, gaming, and crafting! Plus I am finding a whole new world of things to do from blogging with the man I married that is making being married more fun that I even I could have imagined, I don’t get me wrong I imagined quite a fun time of it. I have wanted to be married since I could remember and not fairytale wedding or anything like that just what I had seen from the great examples in my family. My great grandparents were married 69 years before my great grandmother passed and my parents have been married 42 years and they are hilarious! I realize that I am more like them everyday with a twist! I enjoy knowing that!
How do you clean your soul?
SO I skipped my workout yesterday because I had the early shift at work and I had to open the facility. That means getting up at 4am. I like working out before my shift because it means I am usually less symptomatic from my MG and able to gauge how I will feel the rest of my day. However, on my opener day this cannot happen. I usually have to workout afterwards. But Yesterday being that this is the first week of working out in 7.5 months I am easing if you will back into. I say easing because some people who are not use to working out would not call my 12 mile bike rides on Tuesday and Wednesday easing back into working out.
However, when Midday Thursday came some symptoms decided they wanted to go haywire. I got double vision for no reason at all. I recently stated in a post that I was nervous that would not be able to tell the difference between MG fatigue and exercise fatigue and this was that day. I was easily able on Tuesday and Wednesday, but not yesterday. It alarmed me and made me feel like if I exercised I may have pushed the limit and caused more issues than I was willing to deal with such as being out of commission exercise wise for several days. Since I just got back into this that is the last thing I wanted. I also had several things I had to do yesterday afternoon and so I decided I would just go and run my errands anyway. Though By far I would not call my errand exercise (Even though I walked my butt off) I definitely felt it when I got home because I was up until nearly 11pm and had to get up at 5am.
I was so on edge yesterday afternoon from not having my workout and then being late to my friend’s special event that my anxiety went through the roof. My husband could not understand it. He has known me for now 5 years and still does not understand that my anxiety is a disorder. That is does not go away, that I control it as best I can but that it gets out of control sometimes and I try my best to control it all without medication because I hated being on the medication 15 years ago. It was for a short stent (less than 6 months) but they way I felt was horrible. So I figured I could combat it with exercise, meditation, music, and other soothing dissociations. I do pretty good until one triggers happen such as being late, rushing, money issues, car issues, being lost, or my anginophobia strikes. I feel bad for most anyone in my way then. I cannot help it. I do not really know the root of these issues fully I somewhat know where they stem from but my logical self cannot stop me from feeling the way I do and acting the way I feel.
What makes it worse is when those who do not understand say things like just calm down. Or it’s not that serious! You are overreacting. In hindsight I may know these things but I am usually embarrassed because someone witnessed my meltdown. My poor husband is getting better about dealing with it but he is still learning what not to say, and when not to say it, LOL. That’s hard enough with women but with a high anxiety woman BOY OH BOY! Thank goodness opposites attract and he is more laid back to fit my anxious life!
Today I do not care if my whole body tries to shut down I will workout! I will sit on a recumbent bike if I must and read a book and go at a snail’s pace and do it! I don’t care if I can only do it for 30 minutes. It’s better than nothing to help keep my anxiety down. I cannot function otherwise. My books, my exercise, my games, my dissociations are my FIX!
We all need to find what works but as with every disorder, illness, and bit of stress we encounter we have to find a way to ease the pain or symptoms. Typically we can soothe the beast with with dissociation. I find that by calming the spirit or the mind with music or water is most helpful.
Water is known to have a so many healing properties and that is why there are spas everywhere but you do not need to spend loads of money to enjoy a spa experience. Even the sound of water such as a waterfall or stream is said to have therapeutic effects. We use water to reduce inflammation, increase circulation, and hydrate our bodies. Yet I use water to feel like I am flying. I have been a swimmer for as long as I can remember and I combine swimming and music now with my underwater music devices and now I swim longer even my scuba or snorkel gear and wish I could live underwater. I am weightless and it gives my joints and body relief and allows me mental freedom to just float and let all my stress float away as well.
Music also has healing properties. It has the power to make us feel! We can feel sad from a song about a lost love to happy about new love. We can feel inspired to keep trying not only through the music but by the words that are used in such an elegant and poetic way with the seamlessness of the music. You have to be selective though because music can make you feel…and that includes like I stated sad, angry, or negative. I use my music to push through a workout and to heal my soul when I feel at my lowest point. It helps to inspire me and uplift me. I tend to listen to a lot of neosoul, contemporary gospel, and upbeat R&B with a mix of Latin/ reggaeton at times. I LOVE to sing and dance, LOL.
There are also other outlets such as arts and crafts, that I participate in like crocheting, painting, and creating pottery. I also enjoy online gaming with friends and my husband. In addition, hanging out with family and friends helps ease my stress as I have an outlet to eat and be merry. It’s always good to have good times and hang out and not talk about “your disorder” and just enjoy life.
Find your healing and escape, we all need one sometimes!