family

Pushing to far or not?

Posted on by Lady CAS

I have to say that lately I have been doing a bit too much in terms of physical strength versus what I have to give in terms of my MG. I have overdoing it quite a bit lately and though I know this is not a good thing knowing that unlike most people I have no reserve and once I deplete early in the day I could seriously damage and land myself in the hospital if I go TOO far…I push anyway.

Some people ask why. Well it is not always a simple clear cut and dry answer. sometimes it is because I am frustrated and I am tired of waiting on others to do things that they say they are going to do (their job/ responsibility) and do not so I just do it.

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I can’t help it sometimes, it’s just my type A personality taking over!

Sometimes it is because I really just want to feel normal and hang out with friends and family but my body really was not up for it and I should have been at home resting or sleeping instead. But because I have spent so much time between school, work, and now this disorder being missing over the years I just want to be part of my family and friends again. (However, I learned with some of those people, this feeling is not a 2-way street and they are just trying to make me feel guilty for that time away though they had made little or NO effort since).

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Other times I push myself because I need to try to make new boundaries and see if I have improved any with my Myasthenia Gravis. I never want to become complacent with it. I want to see if I can eventually go years without treatment if possible until they can find a cure.

Then there are the rare occasions like now, where medical experts will not allow me to get treatment and want to ‘stress’ me a bit and go on like normal so they can run tests (single fiber EMG) on me. They even wanted me to stop several medications before seeing them; however, I told them with my set of symptoms my mestinon could not be stopped before hand without a plex treatment having occurred in the last month in this heat. I mean I have been sucking on my inhaler like it was oxygen the last 3 days.

More so, since I have to stress myself anyway and cannot get treatment yet until afterwards we might as well make it count because I do not want to wait to do extra over exerting things for after treatment occurs and ‘ruin’ the purpose of my treatment since I do not plan on getting another for 3-5 months after that. So we are rearranging our house now and doing ‘spring cleaning’. It’s hard and I am probably doing more than I should faster than I should but I am tired of looking at the clutter and mess and though it is not all mine and he is kind of helping as men do

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Ok he’s not this bad but you get the idea…

I have to spearhead this or it will not get done before the treatment and my house will never look the way I want it.

 

Where has the time gone!

Posted on by Lady CAS

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I cannot believe it has been a week since I have blogged! This is so unlike me. I mean it is like me going a day without talking! It just so rarely happens you would think that I am sick. The reality is that I have been so busy that I have hardly had time to wrap my head around all the strange feelings and activities that I have been undergoing.

Let’s first talk about these activities. I have been visiting friends and family like it is going out of style in an effort to seemingly catch up on all the years I have missed from being away in college or busy with my masters for so many years. I also am trying to catch up from being ill and unable to visit and hang with people as my reason was I was in the hospital or to weak to actually be away from home or treatment more than about 1-2 hours if that.

Now that I can I have been booked or booking so much time with family and friends that I have turned ‘fun’ into another job form myself and have to slow down a bit. I feel like my bed and I need a real come to Jesus moment where we talk about some secret things that no one else understands. I mean it seems like it has been awhile since I have held the sandman hostage; which is a requirement when you have work shift disorder for over 15 years.

I have been kayaking, hanging in arcades (Dave and Busters), out drinking, playing pool, at food truck rodeos, and so much more. It has been fun but I have to make sure I don’t overdo things by spreading myself too thin in the name of fun.

Now for the crazy feelings, well I assume they are a mix of stress and just a bevy of emotion that keeps flooding me thinking about my future and reflecting on my past with MG. I mean to think I am almost at 15 weeks with no treatment is amazing and the longest I have gone ever. Then to think that when I first started with MG that I could barely hold or balance things in one hand and now I can hold them with a finger or two and I am almost back to my old strength even if not my old endurance yet as I have to build that back up. I also think about the fact that no matter where my husband and I are now in our relationship he was very supportive of me through some rough times that most people did not see or even know about. He may joke with me about it now but he was there and helped me get through it when I could only had him and my mom to share those really personal things with. I was even too embarrassed to tell my best friends back then. I am so happy for the stability and the success that has occurred in my life. I thank God daily and several times a day for all that is occurring in my life. People need to know that I may not be the most religious person but I am spiritual, grateful, and I love God even though I do not blog about Him all the time. I’m not here to sell you my God! He is yours if you want him and I feel if you like what I have and what I do you will seek him the same as I did because you see him working in my life as I saw him working in the lives of those who were happy around me!

Sometimes I even feel sad because I feel as though I am still not where I want to be, but I realize that I will get there in due time. I am progressing and that is all that matters. I know that I have put on weight again but I am healthy and stable and now since I can workout again I can get that weight back off. So that makes me happy and working out lately has been a great joy. My WOD (workout of the day) is going to be awesome today! I can’t hardly wait to get home and conquer it, who knows I may even let my husband do the workout with me if he doesn’t get in the way. I’m kind of selfish with my workouts, LMBO. I like to workout on my own then I will teach people whatever, they want on their own time (since he doesn’t already know the moves).

 

 

Aging Gracefully

Posted on by Lady CAS

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Sometimes I just sit and ponder…okay all the time, LOL. I daydream like it’s my job and one day I hope it will be. I hope I can completely convert to writing and people paying me to read about my craziness. Not here of course because I always want my blog to be free. I want people to always have some area where they can ‘easily’ access my thoughts.

Anyways, I sit and ponder aging. Sometimes it scares me to think I am aging and have yet to accomplish the things I want to in life. But then I think about all the famous and not so famous people who were well into life, well into their 30s, 40s, 50s and so on before they accomplished the fame that we know them for today. I also think about the lifespan that we have today compared to decades and centuries ago. Though no one is promised tomorrow or even the next second, I have time create these things as long as I am working toward them and not procrastinating upon them.

My great grandfather is 92 years old and acts and moves much like a 20 year old. My great aunt is in her late 60s and NOT one of my friends believes me when I say it. They looked at her picture from this weekend from a commencement ceremony for a reunion and they said she looks like she is in her late 30s or mid 40s at best. When I tell her this she laughs and says they are too kind but they are your friends, they have to say that…She has no idea…my friends can be harsh and very honest, LOL. They have properly aged many in my family and even over aged a few.

A lot of it has to do with the confidence one has too though. It is exuded in the way we walk, talk, and act daily. I learned that when my confidence is highest I could be in the worst outfit imaginable to me and yet no one notices because I feel like a million bucks and I’m happy and my skin glows and I walk like it’s a new trending outfit despite the despair of the outfit sometimes, LOL.

Sometimes a new outfit can do this, a new hairdo, or glasses, but for me I have learned that just owning your age but not looking is the new confidence. By learning to own a less stressful lifestyle and enjoying life I can have this! I want to be like the many examples I see in my family. My family and friends keep me young and I am learning to let go of my fear when it comes to aging!

Planning

Posted on by Lady CAS

I take great joy  and care in planning. I have no idea why it makes me feel so good but if someone hands me the task of planning I feel like I am on cloud nine. I could wrap myself in the computer, my notebook, and phone get all the planning done. I mean I sit there for hours before I realize that I have literally spent an entire 5-8 hours in front of the computer pouring over choices and plans.

I do not feel stressed just simply determined to find the best deal possible and the best location. I always liked planning because I like knowing when and where things will happen and being in charge. But more than that I enjoy a sense of accomplishment. Something that always stuck with me that my mom taught me when I was younger was to take initiative. She used to get so annoyed when I would wait until she told me to do something or I would sit and let things ‘happen’ in the house. Or would just follow her around waiting for her to give me a task. LOL.

She would say you need to learn how to take initiative. She said do you know what that means, it means taking on a task/job/ chore before someone can ask you. Being preemptive. I gave her a perplexed look. She had to define preemptive too. I was like 8, lol. I was excited. Immediately I started looking for things to do that she would normally ask me to do and try to do them before she could ask. This of course went to everything, but was short lived because as a child you do not always like doing chores. However, I did learn how to do this with school work, some chores, and some activities as I was in so many school activities I had no choice.

When it is time to go on vacation I go in to a zone like no other. I become so focused. I have certain websites I go to knowing they will give the best deals. I also know which days to try to go on vacation and I try to find additional discounts while on vacation from my favorite sites like groupon, citipass, and living social.

Then planning for my wedding was a dream, well until I the last few weeks, then I turned it over to another professional for the last minute details to help bring it home after I worked pretty hard for 9 months of planning.

Now it looks like if this travel agent doesn’t get it together for our trip to Europe I may get another crack at it.I had already been perusing things last fall after I was first told about the trip and found some promising things…However, it’s not my show to take over…YET LMBO. I will stay in my lane for now.

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My Parents Announce Their Children

Posted on by Lady CAS

I’m proud to say that my parents have no problem saying who their kids are! Some parents would shrink from their responsibilities as parents when they find they have to bend and blend with biological parents and children who have mental disorders. Then to top it all off add some drug addiction, criminal charges, and grand mistakes and behalf of all parties except the adopted parents and I can’t even understand how they did not crumble and run away screaming. Yet, every time someone asks how many kids they have, they always say 4 proudly.

Yes, one is in prison and by a mistake of his own. They have learned not to blame themselves finally. They have learned that he had decisions to make on his own. God gave him options to make as well. He was afforded all the same opportunities as the rest of us and they took special care with him as they did with me as he and I were not their birth children but their gifts to add to the two they did birth as my parents like to say. They did everything they knew to do for him and more and still do. I am proud of them for that. They still love him and him them.

I know that as much of a pain he may caused with the trouble he has gotten himself in, they still have some good times and laughs to look back on. I just think of his crooked smile and it makes me smile. My parents always included us the same as their birth children and we saw absolutely no difference. We call them mom and dad, brother, and sister. We enjoy it and know nothing else. My brother and sister (who are actually my cousins) treated us like the younger siblings, LOL. Yes, master…anything you say master! We were also their guinea pigs for many things…food projects, games, clothes, and so on. I remember my brother making some weird eggplant dish in high school and I had to eat some…yea still haven’t eaten eggplant since (just cannot).

My parents knew they would not hurt us though and we did too. As much as they grumbled about having to babysit and watch us like any teenager, they never let anyone else harm us. They always made sure we ate and were somewhat comfortable (even if that meant under someone else).

My parents are awesome! They acknowledge my biological parents.They understand the relationship that I needed to have with them. They accepted all the craziness that came with our lives and I commend them.It was never easy and they never thought it would be. They shed tears, prayed, shed more tears, laughed, and loved. They laugh and love as much as they can because it is the key to our life. I just cannot imagine my life without them in some form and I will be taking oodles of video of these people soon. I need to have it so it can be my ‘forever!’

I Have Found It! Author coming soon!

Posted on by Lady CAS

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So I have finally found the software needed to begin writing my book and paired with my dragon voice software I can easily begin talking in one document and import it into my book writing software and begin making novels. I am excited. I have 2 or 3 different ideas to begin with but the first step was to find the right software for me. I have found that now and it happens to be reasonably priced. It’s 2016’s top pick too. I am stocked!

I know that all of us who are bloggers are authors and if you do not believe you are, you are lying to yourself. You may not be the most famous one, but you are an author. You are either creative in your storytelling writing poetry and painting beautiful portraits in our minds that may be horrific, twisted and gorgeous, or plain and simple. You may even be just speaking the truth as it happened giving us the news or an autobiographical account of your life. It makes you no less of an author. You still evoke a feel of emotional distress or eustress from your readers and have them coming back for more and gaining more readers in the process.

I’ve wanted to write a book since I was in middle school perhaps even earlier about my life. So much had already happened to me, even at such a young age. SO you can imagine the stories I have now to fill it up with. I have always intentionally gone out of my way to be different but in doing so I have actually always naturally been different when not even trying to the point that it was comical. I intentionally tried to choose subjects, places, and activities that others would not because I did not dare to be stereotyped. I did not liked to be defined I wanted to keep people guessing at what I may do next. Would I do something wild eccentric or calm and mellow. I went with my moods and the vibe I was getting from my surroundings.

As I am aging and enjoying life and my books I want to write more than just my poetry which I have actually been neglecting for quite some time. I want to write a fantasy novel. I spend so much time in that ‘world’ while reading and then when I am daydreaming that I feel that I could truly write a really awesome fiction fantasy book. I mean between James Dashner and Rick Riordan I am so enthralled I can hardly contain myself on which route to go there! Though I love real word and plain fiction like Robert Galbraith ( AKA JK Rowling) I just am not sure if I want to get into any thriller books yet because some of my biggest fans (meaning the ones I WANT to read it –MY MOM, LOL–, not just who read my blog and WOULD/MAY read it) are too squeamish for such things. That may have to come later on. I want them to be able to enjoy one book and preferably the first one! I don’t need mom to have nightmares or never speak to me again because she read a uber gross line and it made her faint or sick, especially while she was eating.

Now the only thing left for me to do is buy it! I will probably wait another week or 2…it’s tax time and I just bought a ton of stuff recently. Then again…who knows…lol. I get overexcited sometimes and with these ideas who can keep me down! I may just have to rearrange some things so I can start this engine up. No offense to my fellow bloggers who put their books/novels on here, but I only plan on putting a small short story here that will not be the one I am publishing for the big time!!!

It will be a simultaneous tester perhaps, but I have to go big. I have faith and hope that’s what this imagination station runs on along with an infinite amount of creative spice!

 

Mental Relief…

Posted on by Lady CAS

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So I went to my appointment with the first therapist last week and as I said she was not great, check my post last week about it, the good and bad of therapy. No she was not the first therapist I have ever had in my life so I have basis for comparison. However, she is  actually going to be a therapist for my husband and therefore asked that I come in and give background information because there was so much conflict. My husband and I agreed this was okay. So I did, but I definitely did not like this therapist for myself and needed to quickly find one for myself and one for us to both go to once the timing was right in a a couple of weeks to try to do a session together to hash out or issues.

We decided that he had other issues outside of the marriage he would continue to see her for so he needs her for that and I need my own therapist for the same reason but we will get a third therapist for marital counseling too. WE figure this will help us grow stronger but also to prevent he or myself from feeling as though any particular therapist we already have a ‘relationship’ with is taking sides.

I believe I have chosen that person but we will see. So far he enjoys the therapist I did not like…I do not want us to go to long individualized because as each marital counselor has stated and as I already knew from getting a degree in psychology going to long apart in therapy could cause us to grow apart naturally in our marriage where there is already conflict.

I do believe that with therapy it is possible for us to fix our relationship issues but only if each of us are willing to make changes and sacrifices. Mine will likely come in the form of giving up power while his will likely come in the form of needing to learn how to take on responsibility. It is something I am uncomfortable doing when I feel I cannot trust giving up power and it going the right way. It does not have to go my way as long as it WORKS. I need to see organization, plans, a system to know that things will happen. Too many times I have tried to trust that this will be the case and then at the final hour, minute, second realized, there was nothing and I have to scoop up everything and do it myself…(that’s if I let it get that far without my plan b already planned to the 9’s style).

On the plus side, in addition to finishing up with his dr. this week. I get to see my doctor and have my first hypnotherapy session and I am excited. I can hardly wait and I plan to incorporate it into either my morning routine or my bedtime routine as part of my meditation. I am just thrilled!

I Enjoy Learning…#GEEKALERT

Posted on by Lady CAS

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I am probably one of those weird people you pick on or laugh at because they just do not know how to stop. I enjoy doing research and sometimes to a fault. I find myself going down the rabbit hole and sometimes hours have passed where I only mean to spend a few minutes looking into something.

I have a deep thirst for knowledge. But do not get it wrong, just like with anything I enjoy what I choose to learn about. I find things that interest me. However, there are times that I force myself to learn about things that are relevant so that I am not ignorant to what is happening in the world. I do not like to look completely out of the loop in educated and sophisticated conversation when in my corporate environment. I also think that to move and groove in this world you need to understand that even if you do not agree with all the politics and judicial hoopla of the world that you should at least know what is occurring because it usually will affect you or someone you know in some way.

I have learned that it is best to have some tacit and fluid knowledge about these things so that when it comes up in conversation (and it will when you least expect it) that you can advise someone on it or give your take in a well versed manner and then bow out gracefully saying your piece and and sometimes it’s really just PEACE to prevent from taking a true side because you are not willing to.

I have found that with some of my friends, family, and co-workers they have brought up interesting conversations about every aspect of life. These things have affected them or someone they know or have weighed heavily on them in some way and they have voiced them to me. I may not have a true view or opinion of them but I immediately begin mulling things over in my mind and deciding how I may feel in my head about it. What I know about such things from trending things and books I have read and then if I can remember any articles or recent discussions I may have had recently. I typically do not watch much news (though I have been getting better about this lately trying to do so about 30-60 min a week). I know that may sound strange but I find that by looking over articles and finding supporting information I feel more scholarly like when I was in school and I can build a case for what is valid, reliable, and sustainable. My friends sort of look at me as someone who is a fact checker of such information.

I enjoy the unvoiced position I have be given. They asked me what I think about a particular topic and if I do not know about it, they feed me a few bits about it. I come up with my own opinions and thoughts, and then they ask me about it again in about 24-48 hours because they want to finish the conversation if they give me that long, LOL. They know I will look up the information and they know I will come with the facts and let them know if indeed something is debatable, worth looking into, and if it will become our next fb conversation to chime in on.

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I may not read the 1000pg book on science but I will read the 20-50 page scientific article on it. I also enjoy the lovely thesis papers and the almost fiction books that are partially based on it. Moreover, if you give me a documentary on it, a non-fiction book, or  biographical book on the subject i’m all in! I loved the down an dirty or plain and simple version of what really happened! I loved adding the tidbits that most people would never know from online and that most people would never remember from real life knowing the person or otherwise. It’s fun dropping ‘secret’ hints about things. I love that insider information that comes from learning. I am such a geek…Way to go parents…you succeeded!

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Chains and Whips Excite Me, But flyswatters Are EVIL

Posted on by Lady CAS

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A few months ago I was at my mom’s house and one of the funniest and weirdest moments ever happened. I was standing in the kitchen when my cell phone started ringing. My ring tone at the time was Rhianna’s S&M. The music was loud, my mom and dad who are now senior citizen, learned the song probably from my ringtone, were singing and humming it as reached for it dancing and singing.

I thought to myself how strange a scene it was probably for most people to have their parents not only hear such a song but to sing the song and laugh at it. My mom was like you are a pervert and laughed. My sister and brother who was just in the other room made a comment to the effect of she would (she meaning me). They have always been in awe of how I managed to bring my parents into more modern ways and ‘break’ down their barriers. But it’s not so much that as it is the same with all older parents and the youngest child(ren) the parents are tired. They give up/in they just say screw it and go with the flow. That child is going to be them and they are going to love them so why fight so hard knowing that they have older siblings to help guide them if they get too crazy, LOL. It’s true, my parents did an AMAZING job with them so any possible faults there may have been with me I know to look to them to get something right for myself, though my sister says she ain’t seen that day quite yet, LMBO. I told her it has happened at least once with each sibling and they just don’t know it but I do! They need only ask and I would reveal it.

Anyways, back to S&M! We are all dancing and humming about chains and whips exciting me and me liking it as some random caller rings me. THEN I glance to my left and see IT. The orangish/reddish/pinkish (it seemed to change color depending on my mood or perhaps the day) butterfly shaped fly swatter. It had butterfly shapes within it as well. It sent me into a slow motion daze which seemed to go on for like 15 minutes but in actuality probably only last 3 seconds.

In that time I thought about the my not so graceful and honest moments as a child and pre-teen. I may not have had many but you did not need many where that butterfly weapon was involved. It may not have been the same because it was not cracked in the middle of it’s spine when it was broken over my limbs that looked like they had been seizing like an electrified animation. But it was the same brand from the same store. My hives began to throb and I almost imagine they were the same butterfly shaped welts that would develop later to remind me liars deserved to be popped. It stung more than anything but you learned not be anywhere near the kitchen when you lied. If she had nothing at least you had to go to your room for her to cool off and maybe you would get grounded. But that stupid butterfly of doom. I mean you always thought butterflies were peaceful like rainbows and unicorns…but not me…I don’t go flitting about after butterflies.

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I literally flinch every time they come near me in parks and such and my husband laughs. I never realized it until the day with this ring tone. I will watch them from a distance and think pretty but I rather watch a bird. Butterflies are tricksy

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When time sped back up I shuddered and thought, sticks and stones make break my bones, but chains and whips excite me, but BUTTERFLY SHAPED FLYSWATTERS ARE EVIL!

 

Dominant Independence to Vulnerability: Letting Go

Posted on by Lady CAS

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Life really knows how to throw some turns your way. I have always been as someone who was/ is strong and independent. However, once being diagnosed with MG those who know me well know that I have severe moments of vulnerability that have broken me down to that of a newborn babe to explain to terms that are completely adequate. I have been on breathing tubes, intubated, and feeding tubes. I have needed someone to wash me, catheters to help with lavatory needs, and people to help me re-learn how to speak, walk, and function each time I have a crisis.

When you go from one extreme of personality to the next it can really take it’s toll on you. You have to trust people, and not only do trust them but trust that they love you and understand what to do with this this love and trust. However, I have recently learned that sometimes people who I have given this trust during these vulnerable times have not really known what to do with it and therefore I feel they have misused it and for lack of a better word crapped on it. I feel they have taken it for granted and not realized that when someone is that vulnerable they can also become very easily changed in an instant based on how you treat them in those instances if they realized you have not treated them well during those times.

I have had friends that I trusted to care for me in some ways during this time whether it was as small as a phone call to check on me or as big as a helping me move. If they could not commit, they had to go because I trusted them to keep their promises and commit. I was extremely vulnerable and communication is everything during these times.

The same is said of family and spouses. I cannot go on pretending that people want to be in my life if they do not. I cannot allow people to be in my life out of convenience to THEM. I have far too much going on for such things. You have to choose to be in or out! But if you are in, my thought is that it must be a two way street where both parties are always trying to some extent and that this is communicated on in some way no matter how vague. Even if it’s the, “I trust you to be the friend that flakes” friend. I’m just saying everything has to have it’s standard and communication is the key. So with that said…when communication has failed, trust fails, and love hangs in the balance if it was ever there in the first place.

We must be careful of what we show people, because actions speak louder than words. Lip service has become the norm in society. We tend to say things before thinking, and though we sometimes mean well, people take our word for it becasue they want to believe the good in us. So then when it does not come to fruition they are left with disappointment and when this becomes a pattern and the norm what are you to them? Why do you speak? Why should anyone believe anything you say? Your word is no good! Your actions may speak louder, but if they only happen at your timing and sporadically people cannot find pattern in this nor comfort, so why trust in you? When someone is vulnerable they need stability and they need to be able to trust others. If they cannot trust in someone and know that you are a stable person, why are you there?

Will you find yourself being a selfish person standing in the way of someone’s healing, love, and stability because you refuse to see who you are? Know who you are and grow! It took me a long time to be okay being vulnerable and even longer to know that it was okay to put people out my life that had been there for so long that were no longer contributing to it. Can you do the same?

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