When Hunger Strikes…
This is how I feel today! I feel amazing but, every time I see food today I want it! I don’t care how good or bad it is for me and who it belongs to, I WANT IT!
This is how I feel today! I feel amazing but, every time I see food today I want it! I don’t care how good or bad it is for me and who it belongs to, I WANT IT!
Where has this insatiable appetite come from? I have been hungry for everything lately, not just food but understanding, reading, relaxation, and quality time with loved ones. It has been something I cannot seem to get enough of. I have been devouring all of these things in LARGE quantities, bingeing until my brain and body hurts, then go panting on the side lines, only to go rest and do it all over again.
I am sure this non-stop manner is not good for me but I right now I have a few things on my side such as youth among the many things against me…I know with MG I should slow down, but when you have spent the better part of 3 years unable to live a normal life around family and friends, food and have normal activities you tend to do this. Now I am trying to find a happy medium. Balance is hard. I do not want to be a stranger to all my friends and family.
I also have missed out on many vacations and chances to have fun due to this disorder and now I am trying to be able to do just that. I know I cannot do it all at once (though I know it doesn’t seem that I know that the way I go at things sometimes, LOL) but I do try to get as many experiences in as possible within reason. It is always hard when I have to tell people no when I really want to say yes, because I want to go, especially after saying no to everyone for so long.
What’s more is while I was in school, I said no to family functions for even longer because of distance and learning who I was without being around them all the time. Now I know better and value and understand life with my family. So again, it’s trying to fit them in as much as my friends and my husband too. And of course, all my medical things and eventually we will have to think about the things for us as a little family too. I’m exhausted thinking about all that, LOL. For now, I will just have to continue to use all my lovely new apps to keep my memory sharp and on point since my on memory alone needs refreshers (thanks meds) and pick and choose what events and moments are going to give me the most moments with the most friends to show my face at. In other words, if I go to this event, will I be seen by the most friends at once so I can reach a quota and not have to go to 10 small events, LOL. Less stress (even good stress) on my body. Plus will my hubby want to go and would he have fun? These are the things I think of because I like to introduce him to new people and new environments. He always drags his feet but in the end he always enjoys himself and then asks to be invited again. It is always the SAME cycle, he is such a brat.
Welp, time to start/ finish planning events for March, LOL. There are already some in there. Then I have to start filling in some things for April as well. My friends are booking me out and I am not too upset about it. I need to see them and get out more. I just have to ensure I pick healthy options when I eat out with FIBER and PROTEIN because I do not wish to be hooked on sweets or be starving later, LOL.
There are times that you get a gift for your birthday and you say yeah ok I like this, or this will come in handy. You truly appreciate it and are happy for it. Then there are times that as soon as you hear about a gift you are receiving or get a gift and PUFF UP with excitement and pride and know exactly how you are going to spend every moment with these gifts. You have already planned every waking minute with said items. I did not ask for anything for my birthday yet when i said the things that I had planned to get for myself on the months leading up to my birthday and the days after, people felt compelled to get them for me. I was ecstatic because obviously I already had planned to get them for myself so I really wanted them. I had researched them and everything. Then I got 2 unexpected gifts…but let me slow down and start from the beginning.
So the first person to get me a gift was my sister though I received her gift last due to it being left at her house and me just not meeting her there. My mom had seen it and they kept telling me how awesome my gift was. And indeed it was. She has incredible fashion sense and tends to buy me awesome clothes (well anyone in our family). She needs to be a celebrity shopper or something. Anyways, she bought me a cute sweater with with some pizzazz from one of my favorite stores (Torrids) then I saw it…Some shorts though likely pajama shorts I will find myself in them in random places (the beach, maybe working out, and possibly doing some crazy event). They were shorts that had WONDER WOMAN on them. I was excited and never knew I would be excited about something like this. But I was. I was really excited about them. I think partially because I see curvy larger girls wearing such cute things and I always wanted things like these but they just never looked right on me or I could not find them in my size and here they were. I was in love. I actually felt moved by these shorts and my sister had no idea she had done something so sincere with her normal giving nature in just that action.
Then there was my husband’s gift. I asked for an ice cream cake and boy o boy did he deliver. He let me choose the one I wanted from Cold Stone called Strawberry Passion. It was layers of moist red velvet cake, strawberry puree and strawberry ice cream with graham cracker pie crust wrapped in fluffy strawberry frosting. I was in HEAVEN. Usually I only eat one slice each year of any ice cream cake but this year we bought a 6 inch cake and I ate half of it and he the other (over the course of 2 days). I did not regret it one bit, only made sure to start the veggies immediately upon finishing it to tame the rising sweet tooth that was sure to come since I rarely to eat such sweets. Again paradise…I just sunk into the sofa and melted into another universe with it.
Then the next day I met up with my best friend for breakfast at a new restaurant (well new to us) and we had an amazing breakfast and she gave me an itunes card. I was planning on getting some new music via that same platform and was enthusiastic about it because I had been listening to some new artists and needed to get it in my repertoire soon so I could play it non-stop until I could just about hear it on the radio or anywhere else and think the next song is…oh wait this isn’t the album, lol. I have done that so many times in my life wearing an album out. Thank you girl. I need this music in my life it was so positive and great and been reaching to me for weeks. That card was right on time. It gets me started revamping my music collection, it’s been a while.
Finally, my mom and I were having a conversation about my husband. He sometimes has moments of MANLINESS. You know the moments people, these are the moments where he shoves his foot so far down his throat that when he realizes that it is there it is up to his thigh and he can read the label on the back of his pants. Welp he had that moment about 2-3 weeks ago. He started making more and more comments about me taking over ‘HIS’ tablet. Which before then was our tablet our so I thought. Granted he got it with a deal with his phone, but said we would share it. He rarely ever used it and neither did I. Then I started using it more and suddenly so did he…but not really because I did he just did because of some apps he put on it as did I. So when he made the comment, “man you have had MY tablet so much lately that I forgot what it looked like” and tried to laugh it off. I said ‘MY’…’YOUR’ and then he laughed and said ‘OUR’ and I said don’t worry I will get my own. Then he didn’t like this. Because he knows when I buy things I research really well and get exactly what I want, like I did with my phone and everything else and he is usually jealous.I knew he meant what he said, but he kept trying to play it off but he did a bad job of it. He next line went something like…Man see you gonna go get an iPad air or something that got everything, and a gazillion gigs of memory and what not…and he droned on for like 5 minutes.
Now it was my turn to laugh. I said I would not get a something that expensive, I promised that whatever I got would be less than $50 and still out do anything he got and that I would be happy as pie about it all. He soon forgot about the conversation. My mom and I talked about this conversation about 2 weeks later…It just happened to come up as my husband managed to make another comment earlier that day again about my use of the tablet…She said well how much do they cost and I said $40-60 and there was one I was looking at around $50 or so that had everything that I was going to get. She then said, well, I have not given you a birthday gift yet, would you rather that be your gift…and I said well SURE. I had not even thought of that.
I said welp buddy you are getting your just desserts now, LOL. I usually do not play a game of war with my husband…who am I kidding yes I do. We do it all the time, all in fun and we will have fun with this as well my whole family for weeks to come, but he deserved it for being a numbskull. I made sure it had all the bells and whistles too including coming with a keyboard case, stylus, and headphones, having more memory, buying an additional memory card to expand the memory, and having an hdmi port (which came with the cord) to hook to the t.v. Yep I went all out.And of course front and rear facing cameras. And since he’s a tech head he is going to want to get his hands on it and play with it and I will know when he tries because he will need my PASSWORD or PIN to get in. I’m not hiding a thing but it’s so I know when he has it, LMBO. I did the same thing with my phone for the first 10 months because he likes to try to download and change everything and make things like he wants it telling you what apps you needs and don’t need (I can’t stand that). I almost got in car accident once trying to voice text (cus I was trying to see what happened to it and turn it back on) only to find he THOUGHT it was not a necessary function and disabled it. I’m like um I use my voice features to call, text, and so on while driving dork, why would you cut that off? I use it to stay hands free (with headphones or bluetooth) and not look at the phone which defeated the purpose that day, smh.
Anyways, he had no idea this tablet was coming, at least not this way because he thought it was weeks away if I ever did it and he did not know I ordered it. It came this morning. I hugged my package to my chest and danced around my house. Since he doesn’t read my blog (though it goes to email since he is a subscriber) he won’t see this and I will just walk in the house and start using it). I have half a mind to tell him it’s from my love but I won’t do that, BWAHAHA.
I have taught him time and time being selfish gets you nowhere, LOL. I share all my stuff with him and he never takes care of it and breaks it which was another reason I wanted my own tablet before he did that and I did not have one. The man had torn through every pair of headphones, charger, and misc gadget in our house…if you know what’s good for you it better have a warranty.
can’t wait to see his reaction tonight! I know this is wrong but you have to have fun in your marriage, LOL this is our way…Can you laugh at each other? How do you have fun? We declare war!
So as it nears my birthday I am always asked what am I planning. This year my best friends asked me and I honestly said nothing and that I had not even really thought about it. I think part of it is because I have been so busy with life that I have not had much time to slow down and think about it. But I also realized which I told her is that I am pretty content. I felt pretty peaceful despite what the hives all over my body said. The hives I believe were a reaction to both stress and a medication I had a reaction to in November that I just stopped taking and now I have to take 2 new medications for the next few weeks to hopefully get rid of them. UGH! LOL. However, even that has not dampened my spirits.
I feel as though I am too blessed to continue, year after year, planning things solely for a birthday. Do not get me wrong, I am grateful for another year that I am given, but I have the WHOLE YEAR to plan something amazing and I am already doing that with my plans to go to Europe in the fall. So for me I am just working and enjoying things as they come.
I also find that at this point in my life I do not really ask for gifts anymore, more like just mention things I may need or that I like and if I get them so be it…but I planned or getting myself anyway so I am never disappointed if I do not get it for a birthday, holiday, or otherwise. For me, I have come to terms that I excited with just being HERE. With MG, or life in general, that is not promised! SO I have to say to be able to say I have made it 2+ years with this disorder and that is usually the most dangerous time for a person with Myasthenia Gravis, I am just glad to be here and able to look normal to an outsider regardless of what is really going on with me on the inside. I am always grateful not to look like what I have been through!
However, there is one thing that I have been doing in the last 2 years that I enjoy to celebrate my birthday and that is spending it more with people who love me and I love. I have learned not to sit in the house like a hermit! So I use all those lovely websites where you can eat for free on your birthday (and these are just some of the places), and I subscribe with my email to other restaurants and places, and get my free meals, discounts, and coupons in the mail and ENJOY THE HECK OUT OF FEBRUARY! I will eat my way through some awesome menus that I normally would say is not in our budget or that I do not have time for as I am so busy. I have to make time for fun at some point and there are few times that I make time for me.
I plan to reschedule my movie date with my mom that we missed last weekend due to my being under MG-wise and I plan to eat out with whoever decides to tag along! I can’t wait to see what everyone chooses! I am game!
OMG i never thought I cared so much until now. I absolutely feel embarrassed and cannot stand to see my plate have all one color on it now. I enjoy seeing a colorful plate. I know it means healthier options and more effort and time went into my meal. It’s not just a fried mess or starchy concoction. I do not even like to grab a pre-made salad anymore. I prefer to make one if they have a salad bar where this is the option. I like to choose what I put in it. I prefer baby spinach instead of lettuce of any type. I enjoy a bit of just about everything in my salad. in small portions. Even if it’s only a small tablespoon amount. It makes me happy to know it’s in there. I feel like a queen when I eat it.
When people see it they tell me how great my salad looks. Considering the fact that I do not eat very much all day long the salad may have about 500-800 calories due to cheese, eggs, bacon bits, and sometimes pasta or meat, and dressing I add. Most everything else carries little calories content. The salad I had today probably had less than usual because I barely had anything that has high calorie content lots of veggies. I had 2 cups of spinach, 1 cup of broccoli, a few slices of cucumber, 2 ounces of cheese, 2 eggs, 1 cup of grape tomatoes, 1 ounces of sunflower seeds, 3 green olives, 1 ounces of bacon bits, and 2 ounces of ranch dressing.
It was delicious and colorful. I was excited about my salad. People kept asking me where I got it and I kept reminding them that our cafeteria at work does have a salad bar, LMBO. That they did not have to buy the pre-made salads with lettuce and whatever was in them.
For my next meal in about 3 hours I have a BLAH meal that I had to throw together this morning…shifty wannabe chicken alfredo. I had leftover noodles from spaghetti the other night added some alfredo sauce and some canned chicken and there ya go, LOL. It will stave of hunger but it’s all one color and a bit fattening. So I am not happy. I feel like it set me back a bit. I feel like I need some green things to fall into it and garnish it at least. Oh well. I cook really well when I have time and when I do not this happens. I get salty or fattening meals that are not take out at least which is better than usual but they are not exactly the best either.
Lately I have been obsessed with the the world of difference that one spice can make in a dish. I mean people just do not understand how using one different spice can change the way a dish smells and tastes and puts the whole atmosphere into a completely abstract state of mind.
By adding vanilla you can have a warm sensual or romantic sense. By adding a touch of chili powder a daring edge. Or by adding chamomile the relaxing effect you are proving. The point is that everything you add should have a purpose, not just thrown together. I feel like lately when I cook I am cooking with purpose and if I am not then I do not want to cook that night and it’s my husband’s night to cook. Then he can do as he wishes, which usually has no rhyme or reason, but his goal is to make sure your belly is full. Though I do try to coach him a bit.
When I was younger I always loved Italian food. I loved the intense aromatic spices of the peppers, oregano, onion powder, garlic powder, cilantro, parsley, rosemary, and so on. I still do. However, since college my shift has been middle eastern and Asian. I have fallen in love with cumin, turmeric, curry, coriander and the like. I have found these flavors and scents soothing and delicious. They have great benefits to the body as well. Such as antioxidants and anti-inflammitories. I enjoy sharing them with my family and my husband.
Have you ever seen the movie Mistress of Spices? It’s about a woman who harnesses the magic power of spices and helps her clients find the spices they need to be successful in their endeavors in life (healing sick people, keeping relationships healthy, finding love, etc) however, she is not allowed to fall in love because her only love is that of the spices.
You get the idea it’s a good movie little movie if you ever want to watch a little romantic movie and fellows score romance points with your lady. It’s not a comedy just a love story. Sorry fellas. I mean the scene where she runs her hands through her spices sifting and touching them; I love doing the same thing. I would love to go to a bazaar or farmers market and just buy spices buy the bagful and jar them. I would be so tickled. (i know that sounds a bit silly but I would, it’s exciting me as I think about it). I am already looking for jars for the bags I bought at the store in the ethnic aisle and the Asian supermarket recently. It’s cheaper than buying regular spices of brands Americans know that would cost $5-8 for 1-3oz. When I get 1lb and pay $2-3 for a well known brand that you eat in the Asian restaurant or overseas. I prefer authenticity.
Anyways. The point is I felt like her, I feel like with my spices I can do anything. I can smell them and put my hands on anything in my pantry and put something together. It is quite empowering and so far it has opened up my husband’s picky “I don’t eat this or that” attitude quite a bit. He eats quite a bit more than he would normally eat thanks to my spices and experimentation.
Tonight I will have him make spaghetti, but instead of his usual brown some hamburger and then add sauce and simmer style, I will help him make homemade meatballs which he has never done and I did for the first time last week (but he wasn’t there to get any). So he will get to try and make them and eat them. This helps us grow together and have some fun as well. I can already smell the fresh Italian spices filling my nose. I can’t wait to get dirty, lol. Aprons ON! LET’S COOK!
**Before I begin you should know that pork is not a traditionally Indian meal or curried dish. We also served it with plain white rice instead of the traditional basamti rice just because it was what we had on had at the moment.
1 h 4 servings
As I literally was watching the cheese slide of my hot dog yesterday I realized this was was actually happening in my real life as well. I mean as many good things that are happening for me right now I am still beaming with joy (don’t get me wrong, but there are a ton of tests crashing over me like waves and causing me to sputter a bit at times. I have to wonder if I am not over booking myself. The sad part is when I am booking myself and putting it in my planner there is literally NOTHING else there or around the date then other things pop up all around it there are either important or last minute or stressful mentally or physically that cause it to become a jam packed week or day. I can go from having nothing planned on a weekend to suddenly a full weekend. That happens more often than not. However, this does not usually bother me too much.
Then there are times when I think I have a handle on everything and I get knocked for a loop. When you find out something you budgeted for (time or money) is now pushed up 6 months at a time you have not budgeted for. Then everyone involved smiles at you as if it this is quite alright and you grit your teeth and try not to scream. Especially at persons who could not even coherently explain the problem correctly to tell you why you now have to make such changes. Yesterday I already knew my health insurance was on a non calendar year July 1-June 30. It was just when it was started with he company. However, I only found out yesterday when filling medications that the deductible is on a calendar year and restarted in January. Yet the special insurance lady kept saying the whole plan started over in Jan, which was wrong and I had to call my employer to find out what happened since one med alone with a co-payment cost over $300.
I went from one hive that was disappearing over the weekend to 3 new hives since between that incident and now. It has not even been 24 hours. I am on stress overload! Usually my stress is not that quick to happen but since just before Thanksgiving since I have not fully been able to get rid of my hives, they have been immediate. I can’t shake em! Everyone is like call the doctor and get some meds but when you are as much as me, I wonder how effective it would be on one hand and on the other I’m like GOSH not another durn pill I already take 17 a day and two prenatal gummies on a regular day. I also have a ton of ‘as needed’ scrips for migraines and pain, so really who wants to go there!?! I figure I will only go there if they can promise it will go away and not come back for months or in a day or something otherwise if my suffering is going to be as long as taking benadryl and putting on cremes and waiting it out for days like I already do then I can treat it myself. I hate living with such high anxiety and when you have suffered with anxiety for as long as I have have you just DEAL. It’s so sad. UGH! It’s an endless cycle I put myself through! I just wish one day I woke up and all my anxiety was gone for good!
So my sister is always telling me how she has baked a concoction (her words not mine) that tasted pretty good. I believed her. I mean though my sister is single, she lived for a while with my parents before moving out on her own after graduating form grad school as did I. And you learn two things from that experience; 1) how to survive on your own (save your money and be responsible so you can be on your own) and 2) how to make more than 4 dishes once you leave, LMBO. Because my parents love their staples. They have no problem eating the same things but it will drive you crazy if you have an adventurous palate. I had to learn how to cook. My parents teach you basics, but they laugh at some of the things I desired to cook. I became way to adventurous for them (my mom’s skin crawls when she thinks of some of the things I eat, lol). All I will say is I love Andrew Zimmern’s Bizzare Foods on Travel Network. I try things just because he says you must!
After I learned how to cook, I had to learn how to buy the proper utensils to make it happen easier and to make it look presentable. These are the things I am now teaching my older sister. She definitely has the cooking adventurously thing down, but now she has to learn how to buy the right supplies to make things easier on herself and her dishes. Sometimes you have to swap out (and slowly over time if money is an issue) your dishes to higher quality ones as well or buy additional things that may help like parchment paper so you do not have to chisel your goodies off your baking sheet and nibble on them piece by piece, LOL. She said they were yummy but when you cannot take a picture and they did not look like the yummy balls you planned for and then you had to chisel and chip them to snack on them I sort of giggled because it reminded me of my earlier projects.
I was determined to eat them because regardless of how they looked, they tasted WONDERFUL. I just could not take one picture because they were surely pinterest fails in that looks department. So she asked me, how do you make your baked goodies? She asked if I just followed the recipes? I said yes at first then I thought about it and said no, actually I don’t. I always fudge it. I always either do double with a ‘bump’ (I may add an extra pinch or splash of everything –no actual measurement just literally another pinch or splash here and there until I am happy) or eyeball certain ingredients that I believe would make the recipe better. So if I want it to look like the pinterest picture and to still taste good I try to add equal parts of everything even if I’m only eyeballing it but sometimes I may add a bit more flavor of something I like just to give it a punch.
So far I guess you can call it luck but the trick it tasting your food. Get in there. Smell it and taste it while it’s going if you can. The more you cook and bake the more you will become familiar with measurements and what they look like and with how certain smells/ flavors mingle and what you feel you would like to taste and create. This will help you find or add ingredients accordingly. I mean there are times I do not have something and I will either leave it out or substitute it with somethings random and it works out perfectly and my husband never knows, LOL. I even sneak in things he swears he doesn’t eat (he’s not allergic, he just doesn’t like the taste he says). It’s hilarious. That’s the sign of a good cook.
So recently others have been seeing my bucket list and apparently they have made comments about it and found it just as interesting. My younger brother made the comment that I was too young to have a bucket list. He was not aware of the more trendy phenomenon of people creating them just to be sure that they live life to the fullest so that they have no regrets. It’t no just for those of us who are sick and have chronic illnesses. I know when I first told him it alarmed him though because I do have a chronic illness and he probably thought the worst. But I explained that people with MG live LONG healthy lives and that I created my list to ensure that I do not allow myself to sit and wallow in my disorder. Bucket list are meant to inspire you to do these things not just before you DIE but just to get out and do something more than get up, go to work, come home, repeat!
SO with that said I have a master bucket list that will not change but will slowly grow over time as I see fit an accomplish things and I have an annual list that I will create around the 3rd quarter of each year and have from that time to the end of the following year to complete. It will give me great joy to complete the list because I enjoy creating to do list and crossing items off of them as I tackle them. I also enjoy planning and organizing events.
Anyways, I have been enjoying finding new ways to tackle the list and when I can get them done. Some of them have been harder than others due to time management. I have found that I am not the only one who wants to see me accomplish these goals and that feels great too. I always tell people I do not want anything for Christmas or my birthday. It’s not because I do not feel worthy or I feel people cannot afford it, it is because I honestly feel blessed enough and would rather give than receive. I also feel that my family has given me so much already that I could want/need for anything. However, my dad saw my bucket list and he decided to scratch one of the items off of it for me and I even more grateful.
My dad bought me my go pro. I can take it with me on my adventures now. I am ecstatic. My mom said he was really looking for it. I’m proud of him because he really went above and beyond. Usually he defects to my moms for what all of us want for different events and this time he knew. Handy detecting dad, lol. I shall call it my PRECIOUS. Can’t wait til our trip overseas!
Annual Bucket List: 2016
Do a local bike race
get yoga mat/basic training
Visit wizarding world of Harry Potter
Read 50 books — at 22 books almost halfway
Buy a Go Pro
Go Sky Diving
Go to a State I have not been to before
Go to 5th Cirque Du Soliel Performance
Throw Pottery (as in make my on pottery)
Decorate my house for fall
Decorate my house for Christmas
Take a romantic trip with my husband
Volunteer with a charity monthly
Take a culinary class
Go swimming (you would be amazed that since being diagnosed with MG I have not swam once because I have started to have fear that it would become over exterted and not be able to get out of the water….says the former lifeguard and scuba certified person)
Be sling shot (it a weird bungee course thing that looks like a giant sling shot)
Go to Canada
Master Bucket List
Write a book
Have a baby/ adopt a child
Create a Charity
Run a business
Travel overseas like a nomad (England, France, Italy, etc)
Go to Disneyland
Go to a bioluminscent bay
Have my music music produced and perform it
Help Find a Cure for MG
Go to Alaska- see the Northern Lights
Pose for a sexy calendar