friends

Silent Fears and Frustrations…Part 2

Posted on by Lady CAS

As promised here is part 2 of my struggles. I can’t say they are always struggles as I have learned so much about myself but I still find them to be fears or frustrations so I struggle with the issues. One of these issues would be nightmares…I have increasingly more nightmares or unwanted dreams in the last year. I mean this may I have no idea how normal this is for most people but I usually do not have nightmares or bad dreams and I have had a TON of what I consider bad dreams lately. Though I know their source I have no idea what they mean. I truly do not like the uncertainty and the people by which I am dreaming concern me a great deal. Moreover, the stupid loop dreams are killin me. I think I am awake and then they sort of loop and start over and it’s almost like inception mixed with my whack job warping that gives me just enough leverage to know it’s a dream but I can’t wake up UGH. Usually nothing scary just annoying as all get out, LOL.

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When did people become so surly, rude, AND/OR impassioned that it was okay not to have a conversation or  debate with intellect, facts, and the occasional well thought out opinion with some supportive evidence. I mean we all enjoy talking about current events ranging from politics (well maybe not so much, lol) to the Olympics, but I have almost not even desired to open my mouth as people’s sensitivities appear to get hurt when I open my mouth. It’s extremely frustrating because I usually learn within the conversation or debate the person I am taking to has not even educated themselves on the person they are speaking about.Many times they have their own opinion of them already (good or bad) and the image is stuck and possibly quite superficial. They refuse to take in any new information about the person regardless if the person committed 10 crimes though formerly they were a Saint (not saying this was the case). Now I believe it is okay to be passionate about your conversation, cause, or topic it shows you care and have something more deeply rooted behind why you like the person/ cause/ topic; however, refusing to hear another person’s point and saying I don’t care what you say about this person, I won’t believe they are this or that or STAY of their case without hearing that person’s cause is rough…This last week dealing with several different issues I got SHUT DOWN just like that and it was quite rude and annoying. I mean from the it went to issues regarding personal matters, to things at work, to topics about the Olympics and all by different people and the funny part was I wasn’t even the one bringing up the topic some of the time, LMBO. I was just shocked at how it all seems to happen more and more in the world but how it all happened to me so much in one week. Man I definitely can say everyone I was dealing with needs a vacation ASAP before I start becoming a hermit.

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Recently not having time to myself anymore for anything. I mean I knew picking up a part-time job would suck some of my free-time away but it also took so much energy I just cannot even function when I do have days off and that was after cutting the hours back on the part-time job. My husband said he understood but I sadly do not think he fully gets how it feels when you are both Type A and need to get things straight and finished because you cannot trust others to do it (okay well him mainly) and when you want to relax but the time you put aside for it you are so fatigued that you cannot even enjoy it. Like being tired and relaxing are NOT the same thing. Like some days I just want to enjoy cooking a great meal, doing an art project, going for a swim or workout, playing a game, or talking to friends on the phone! But then I get home and I am so tired that my Myasthenia Gravis says Nope and I am slurring and I have to choose between taking meds and not slurring enough to eat or talking to them on the phone and maybe eating 2 bites and being hungry all night because I won’t really be able to eat it without choking and I will have horrible indigestion and heart burn and mucus build up (since I can’t drink water to thin it out- remember I can’t swallow and this means choking and literally drowning). Then people say text and I can only do that so long before my fingers give out too because I have a job where I must type. At home I can use my dragon speech system but at work I have not used it trying to be as ‘normal’ as possible. So I try to upload snap chats of me and posts giving quick updates so they know I am ‘alive’ and the countdown to treatment so that they know when I can finally be semi-normal again. I feel so bad though because I feel like a horrible friend. I want to do so much more with them. And I truly miss them all! It makes me feel pretty lonely sometimes and I find myself wanting to cry but since that will cause worsening symptoms I don’t but I tear up often and they just fall. I know this is something that some people will just not understand.

 

 

The TUG of WAR

Posted on by Lady CAS

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I have been battling the biggest battle of tug of war in my life and it is all within myself. Usually we struggle with good and bad or right and wrong. However, sometimes things are not that clear cut and black and white. Sometimes they are what is right for you at that time…If you pray on it enough, it will be right for all parties eventually.

The struggle I have been having was that AT FIRST, I was finding it hard to even pray over the situation. Now I can at least find comfort in God again. This definitely makes me feel better about things. However, I am still fighting an inner struggle as I have an issue of trust between me and the relationship that is in question.

When you lose trust, you wonder if you even want allow yourself to try again with the person if they have been given many opportunities as a friend or lover and they continue to take it for granted as if you HAVE to STAY there. You start saying things like I could text them and ask them how their day was? Or ask about their family? Or ask them their plans for the weekend…Then you say well it works both ways and I have been the only one doing this before and then I got nothing. You wonder if you are being selfish, childish, teaching them a lesson, or punishing them. You wonder if you are giving trust where they do not deserve it.

Then you wonder if you give this small token and try again will they assume everything is back to normal and begin where they left off…making you feel less than what you are, disrespected, friendless, alone, lied to perhaps and a bevy of other emotions and epitaphs.

So then you ask, why would I, or anyone else have this huge tug of war and not just cut the person off? If only it were that easy. We all say it is that easy. But it is always easier said than done until it is you and it takes you longer than normal to realize it was you getting taken advantage of. When I was younger it used to take me a long time to realize it. Then I got smart and would cut people loose before either of us were really attached and therefore I never really felt a loss. However, now as I age I have found that sometimes, those that you keep in your life  longer than a season may be catfishing you.

They make you think they belong when in fact they do not. Moreover, those that are ‘supposed’ to be in your life for the long haul and grow with you can be so taxing that sometimes you still have to let them go because their growth is more like a leech. With God this growth may be harder but it should still work; however, you get people who are so negative and venomous and not ready for change that they suck all the good qualities right out of you and you struggle to get back to being the person you were and they do not know how to give anything back to YOU to help you once they have used you all up and become better for themselves.

The funny part is rarely do ‘friends’ that you must cut off ever really fight to stay in your life once you decide to cut them loose because they got everything out of you that they wanted. However, this time I guess the reason I am struggling so much is because this person is actually fighting to stay in my life. Again considering that I am not related to the person, this says a lot, but it also says that I can still cut them loose at anytime to protect me from further harm. No one deserves to feel as though they are being forced to stay in a relationship out of obligation no matter the type of relationship.

Sometimes the obligations come in the form of duties such as children if you are married, or if you are friends the fact that you have known each other since elementary school, or because they saved your life or helped you through a difficult time in your life. However, we all can outgrow someone and you do not have to stay becasue of those things. Even children. You can still make arrangements and be amicable for the the sake of the kids but live your own lives separately for happiness.

I still have not made a decision and it have been a few weeks dealing with this struggle. Obviously there are other reasons involved that I would rather not divulge at this point. However, I will say that since the trust was broken, I feel I have a right to take my time making my decision and that it’s ok for me to feel this way right now. I believe it is normal for me feel torn between wanting things to be right but not being ready to let this person back in yet since they hurt me and have not proven themselves worthy of trust yet. They have not earned it back and I do not feel ready to begin showing even small strides on the levels that I know I could do because I do not want WANT to. I just feel that is not fair to give that person what they desire when I have been lacking for so long and then as they try to give it now, it feels its only because they have screwed up and are losing me…This may not be, they may truly have learned their lesson but I need to see this change indefinitely before or at least consistently for longer than a few weeks before I make any movement on my part.

I know this sounds a bit harsh and even down right stubborn but, when you are talking about matters of the heart, one grows tired of being hurt and in and pain and will do whatever it takes to prevent it from happening again! I hope am able to get to a point of forgiveness for myself or the person for my own sanity! However, this does not mean that the person gets to ‘stay in my life’ just because I forgive them, only that I have found peace and can coincide with them amicably and move on.

 

Where has the time gone!

Posted on by Lady CAS

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I cannot believe it has been a week since I have blogged! This is so unlike me. I mean it is like me going a day without talking! It just so rarely happens you would think that I am sick. The reality is that I have been so busy that I have hardly had time to wrap my head around all the strange feelings and activities that I have been undergoing.

Let’s first talk about these activities. I have been visiting friends and family like it is going out of style in an effort to seemingly catch up on all the years I have missed from being away in college or busy with my masters for so many years. I also am trying to catch up from being ill and unable to visit and hang with people as my reason was I was in the hospital or to weak to actually be away from home or treatment more than about 1-2 hours if that.

Now that I can I have been booked or booking so much time with family and friends that I have turned ‘fun’ into another job form myself and have to slow down a bit. I feel like my bed and I need a real come to Jesus moment where we talk about some secret things that no one else understands. I mean it seems like it has been awhile since I have held the sandman hostage; which is a requirement when you have work shift disorder for over 15 years.

I have been kayaking, hanging in arcades (Dave and Busters), out drinking, playing pool, at food truck rodeos, and so much more. It has been fun but I have to make sure I don’t overdo things by spreading myself too thin in the name of fun.

Now for the crazy feelings, well I assume they are a mix of stress and just a bevy of emotion that keeps flooding me thinking about my future and reflecting on my past with MG. I mean to think I am almost at 15 weeks with no treatment is amazing and the longest I have gone ever. Then to think that when I first started with MG that I could barely hold or balance things in one hand and now I can hold them with a finger or two and I am almost back to my old strength even if not my old endurance yet as I have to build that back up. I also think about the fact that no matter where my husband and I are now in our relationship he was very supportive of me through some rough times that most people did not see or even know about. He may joke with me about it now but he was there and helped me get through it when I could only had him and my mom to share those really personal things with. I was even too embarrassed to tell my best friends back then. I am so happy for the stability and the success that has occurred in my life. I thank God daily and several times a day for all that is occurring in my life. People need to know that I may not be the most religious person but I am spiritual, grateful, and I love God even though I do not blog about Him all the time. I’m not here to sell you my God! He is yours if you want him and I feel if you like what I have and what I do you will seek him the same as I did because you see him working in my life as I saw him working in the lives of those who were happy around me!

Sometimes I even feel sad because I feel as though I am still not where I want to be, but I realize that I will get there in due time. I am progressing and that is all that matters. I know that I have put on weight again but I am healthy and stable and now since I can workout again I can get that weight back off. So that makes me happy and working out lately has been a great joy. My WOD (workout of the day) is going to be awesome today! I can’t hardly wait to get home and conquer it, who knows I may even let my husband do the workout with me if he doesn’t get in the way. I’m kind of selfish with my workouts, LMBO. I like to workout on my own then I will teach people whatever, they want on their own time (since he doesn’t already know the moves).

 

 

Strangers vs. Familiars: Horray for Strangers

Posted on by Lady CAS

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It’s amazing how people you have never met can be so much more kind than people you have known all your life. I have learned that people I have met through blogging have a common connection with you becasue of another blogger or interest and usually have gone looking for your blog through that interest. Therefore, in a way they have come looking for you. They have the option to follow you or not and to unfollow you at anytime.

Unlike facebook or twitter where people get so intimate that they feel the need becasue they see a comment box that even if they do not know you they will put the most negative comments becasue they feel they have a right because they have access to your page. Yes we have freedom of speech but these people are still human and they did not seek you out and post on your intimate pictures about your intimate events negative things.

Some people feel like you shouldn’t post about them, but you have the right to post what you wish without feeling as if someone is going to attack you because they are immature and ignorant. This is what I like about wordpress and why I actually do not let every post of mine automatically post to my facebook or twitter. People who you are familiar with tend to be some of the most harsh and critical people. They also be the most in your business and negative people you could have ever met which is pretty sad. They make you feel guilty and ashamed for having issues of any type. Moreover, they also seem to never be happy for you when you are happy but are the first ones to offer ‘help’ when you are down…seems a bit backwards to me. Where is the friendship all the time. I don’t mean 24/7 but in all types of situations, good, bad, and everything in between. I know we can’t comment on everything but geesh only coming around when I’m sad is strange (which on my fb I rarely even post a sad post).

They have no empathy until something is happening to them. I never realized how badly friends and family can really make you feel…but thankfully I other friends and family that make up for the ones who are negative. I also have those strangers and followers on my blog who combined show more support and empathy than I could have ever thought possible when I have been going through the darkest times of my life in the last 3 years.

People are interesting characters!

Moving at Light Speed…

Posted on by Lady CAS

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There are times I swear I should probably sit down and take a breather, but I feel like as soon as I do, I would pass out and never wake up. I’m totally not with the whole comatose lifestyle. I sometimes feel like you can rest when you die moments. I would rather get it all done when I am able because I know that as soon as I sit some days, it truly is over. I sit down or lay down and I honestly cannot get back up. It takes so much effort tears involuntarily come to my eyes and I suck them back up trying to figure out where they came from. You get back in there now!

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It’s just not allowed! Then I find a way to treat/ reward myself for my hard work sometimes. I have had to remember to start doing that becasue I work hard and forgetting to do this is just WRONG! I know I have a bog trip planned later in the year but not having down time and little rewards along the way greatly pain me throughout this journey.

SO I do things like give myself a day of reading, buy a sewing machine (which I recently did) and enjoy movies. I personally bought the sewing machine for several reasons, to give my hands a break from fixing my work pants all the time as they rip at the seams and my poor fingers get so tired that I struggle to type for the rest of the day sometimes longer. Then I want to go back to creating projects and such like I use to do, pillows, blankets, and other little things. I get to experiment a bit too because I have never had a sewing machine and so I get to buy fabric and play with patterns and it has a few luxuries like a foot pedal and everything for a portable little sewing machine. I’m pretty excited. It was what I bought for myself from some of the bday money my brother and sis n’ law gave me.

I also hang with my friends. This is my biggest reward. I know that is still a constant way to be out and about instead of just sitting still but it gives me great pleasure to hang with them, talk, and hear about someone else’s achievements, issues, and so on.  I have to get out of my own head and world sometimes. Sometimes moving at the speed of light is the only way that works for me! I will crash later!

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I Enjoy Learning…#GEEKALERT

Posted on by Lady CAS

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I am probably one of those weird people you pick on or laugh at because they just do not know how to stop. I enjoy doing research and sometimes to a fault. I find myself going down the rabbit hole and sometimes hours have passed where I only mean to spend a few minutes looking into something.

I have a deep thirst for knowledge. But do not get it wrong, just like with anything I enjoy what I choose to learn about. I find things that interest me. However, there are times that I force myself to learn about things that are relevant so that I am not ignorant to what is happening in the world. I do not like to look completely out of the loop in educated and sophisticated conversation when in my corporate environment. I also think that to move and groove in this world you need to understand that even if you do not agree with all the politics and judicial hoopla of the world that you should at least know what is occurring because it usually will affect you or someone you know in some way.

I have learned that it is best to have some tacit and fluid knowledge about these things so that when it comes up in conversation (and it will when you least expect it) that you can advise someone on it or give your take in a well versed manner and then bow out gracefully saying your piece and and sometimes it’s really just PEACE to prevent from taking a true side because you are not willing to.

I have found that with some of my friends, family, and co-workers they have brought up interesting conversations about every aspect of life. These things have affected them or someone they know or have weighed heavily on them in some way and they have voiced them to me. I may not have a true view or opinion of them but I immediately begin mulling things over in my mind and deciding how I may feel in my head about it. What I know about such things from trending things and books I have read and then if I can remember any articles or recent discussions I may have had recently. I typically do not watch much news (though I have been getting better about this lately trying to do so about 30-60 min a week). I know that may sound strange but I find that by looking over articles and finding supporting information I feel more scholarly like when I was in school and I can build a case for what is valid, reliable, and sustainable. My friends sort of look at me as someone who is a fact checker of such information.

I enjoy the unvoiced position I have be given. They asked me what I think about a particular topic and if I do not know about it, they feed me a few bits about it. I come up with my own opinions and thoughts, and then they ask me about it again in about 24-48 hours because they want to finish the conversation if they give me that long, LOL. They know I will look up the information and they know I will come with the facts and let them know if indeed something is debatable, worth looking into, and if it will become our next fb conversation to chime in on.

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I may not read the 1000pg book on science but I will read the 20-50 page scientific article on it. I also enjoy the lovely thesis papers and the almost fiction books that are partially based on it. Moreover, if you give me a documentary on it, a non-fiction book, or  biographical book on the subject i’m all in! I loved the down an dirty or plain and simple version of what really happened! I loved adding the tidbits that most people would never know from online and that most people would never remember from real life knowing the person or otherwise. It’s fun dropping ‘secret’ hints about things. I love that insider information that comes from learning. I am such a geek…Way to go parents…you succeeded!

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Excitement…Where is it?

Posted on by Lady CAS

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I have lost my excitement and I do not know where it has gone. I usually can look at my bucket list and be renewed, art supplies, or new books…but that has not helped lately. I need a swift kick in the pants. I need a change of environment as well as a some serious R&R. I need a therapeutic escape with no thought to bills, work, housework/ chores, or the doctor’s appointment.

I just need to be in peace. It does not take much for me. It could be a simple beach trip, meditation trip, or spa trip. I do not require much. I just know that a few days away with a friend or 2 would do me some good! I need this in my life right now. Heck I may not even go with a friend. I may just go by myself and skype and call friends while on the trip and just be by myself. Sometimes you just need to go and coordinating time with others can be too hard and stressful within itself. I do not need to try and go out everywhere and plan dinners, lunches, and adventures, just go with the flow, and rest. I owe this to myself and sometimes going with friends can make this difficult because the need different things and I do not want to slow them down or stop them when they may need the ADVENTURE right now. I just want to relax. Maybe go to a pottery class or do something very low key and fun.

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If they are on the same agenda, then float on with me, if not, there will definitely be other times and other trips. This is not a husband and wife trip, lol. This is a self-discovery and relaxation trip. An all by myself or girls only trip. I need to find my sense of wonder and excitement and men make you WANDER and worry sometimes because they tend to become a bit disorienting with their, where is my?…did you see my? are we going to? Is this the? What are we going to do? What’s next? When? I’m Hungry! LOL Nope, I plan on catering to myself only on this trip! I’ll be leaving him at home to fend for himself. Hopefully it won’t become the total dark ages in the time I’m gone.

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Dominant Independence to Vulnerability: Letting Go

Posted on by Lady CAS

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Life really knows how to throw some turns your way. I have always been as someone who was/ is strong and independent. However, once being diagnosed with MG those who know me well know that I have severe moments of vulnerability that have broken me down to that of a newborn babe to explain to terms that are completely adequate. I have been on breathing tubes, intubated, and feeding tubes. I have needed someone to wash me, catheters to help with lavatory needs, and people to help me re-learn how to speak, walk, and function each time I have a crisis.

When you go from one extreme of personality to the next it can really take it’s toll on you. You have to trust people, and not only do trust them but trust that they love you and understand what to do with this this love and trust. However, I have recently learned that sometimes people who I have given this trust during these vulnerable times have not really known what to do with it and therefore I feel they have misused it and for lack of a better word crapped on it. I feel they have taken it for granted and not realized that when someone is that vulnerable they can also become very easily changed in an instant based on how you treat them in those instances if they realized you have not treated them well during those times.

I have had friends that I trusted to care for me in some ways during this time whether it was as small as a phone call to check on me or as big as a helping me move. If they could not commit, they had to go because I trusted them to keep their promises and commit. I was extremely vulnerable and communication is everything during these times.

The same is said of family and spouses. I cannot go on pretending that people want to be in my life if they do not. I cannot allow people to be in my life out of convenience to THEM. I have far too much going on for such things. You have to choose to be in or out! But if you are in, my thought is that it must be a two way street where both parties are always trying to some extent and that this is communicated on in some way no matter how vague. Even if it’s the, “I trust you to be the friend that flakes” friend. I’m just saying everything has to have it’s standard and communication is the key. So with that said…when communication has failed, trust fails, and love hangs in the balance if it was ever there in the first place.

We must be careful of what we show people, because actions speak louder than words. Lip service has become the norm in society. We tend to say things before thinking, and though we sometimes mean well, people take our word for it becasue they want to believe the good in us. So then when it does not come to fruition they are left with disappointment and when this becomes a pattern and the norm what are you to them? Why do you speak? Why should anyone believe anything you say? Your word is no good! Your actions may speak louder, but if they only happen at your timing and sporadically people cannot find pattern in this nor comfort, so why trust in you? When someone is vulnerable they need stability and they need to be able to trust others. If they cannot trust in someone and know that you are a stable person, why are you there?

Will you find yourself being a selfish person standing in the way of someone’s healing, love, and stability because you refuse to see who you are? Know who you are and grow! It took me a long time to be okay being vulnerable and even longer to know that it was okay to put people out my life that had been there for so long that were no longer contributing to it. Can you do the same?

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SO HUNGRY…

Posted on by Lady CAS

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Where has this insatiable appetite come from? I have been hungry for everything lately, not just food but understanding, reading, relaxation, and quality time with loved ones. It has been something I cannot seem to get enough of. I have been devouring all of these things in LARGE quantities, bingeing until my brain and body hurts, then go panting on the side lines, only to go rest and do it all over again.

I am sure this non-stop manner is not good for me but I right now I have a few things on my side such as youth among the many things against me…I know with MG I should slow down, but when you have spent the better part of 3 years unable to live a normal life around family and friends, food and have normal activities you tend to do this. Now I am trying to find a happy medium. Balance is hard. I do not want to be a stranger to all my friends and family.

I also have missed out on many vacations and chances to have fun due to this disorder and now I am trying to be able to do just that. I know I cannot do it all at once (though I know it doesn’t seem that I know that the way I go at things sometimes, LOL) but I do try to get as many experiences in as possible within reason. It is always hard when I have to tell people no when I really want to say yes, because I want to go, especially after saying no to everyone for so long.

What’s more is while I was in school, I said no to family functions for even longer because of distance and learning who I was without being around them all the time. Now I know better and value and understand life with my family. So again, it’s trying to fit them in as much as my friends and my husband too. And of course, all my medical things and eventually we will have to think about the things for us as a little family too. I’m exhausted thinking about all that, LOL. For now, I will just have to continue to use all my lovely new apps to keep my memory sharp and on point since my on memory alone needs refreshers (thanks meds) and pick and choose what events and moments are going to give me the most moments with the most friends to show my face at. In other words, if I go to this event, will I be seen by the most friends at once so I can reach a quota and not have to go to 10 small events, LOL. Less stress (even good stress) on my body. Plus will my hubby want to go and would he have fun? These are the things I think of because I like to introduce him to  new people and new environments. He always drags his feet but in the end he always enjoys himself and then asks to be invited again. It is always the SAME cycle, he is such a brat.

Welp, time to start/ finish planning events for March, LOL. There are already some in there. Then I have to start filling in some things for April as well. My friends are booking me out and I am not too upset about it. I need to see them and get out more. I just have to ensure I pick healthy options when I eat out with FIBER and PROTEIN because I do not wish to be hooked on sweets or be starving later, LOL.

My Awesome Birthday Gifts

Posted on by Lady CAS

There are times that you get a gift for your birthday and you say yeah ok I like this, or this will come in handy. You truly appreciate it and are happy for it. Then there are times that as soon as you hear about a gift you are receiving or get a gift and PUFF UP with excitement and pride and know exactly how you are going to spend every moment with these gifts. You have already planned every waking minute with said items. I did not ask for anything for my birthday yet when i said the things that I had planned to get for myself on the months leading up to my birthday and the days after, people felt compelled to get them for me. I was ecstatic because obviously I already had planned to get them for myself so I really wanted them. I had researched them and everything. Then I got 2 unexpected gifts…but let me slow down and start from the beginning.

So the first person to get me a gift was my sister though I received her gift last due to it being left at her house and me just not meeting her there. My mom had seen it and they kept telling me how awesome my gift was. And indeed it was. She has incredible fashion sense and tends to buy me awesome clothes (well anyone in our family). She needs to be a celebrity shopper or something. Anyways, she bought me a cute sweater with with some pizzazz from one of my favorite stores (Torrids) then I saw it…Some shorts though likely pajama shorts I will find myself in them in random places (the beach, maybe working out, and possibly doing some crazy event). They were shorts that had WONDER WOMAN on them. I was excited and never knew I would be excited about something like this. But I was. I was really excited about them. I think partially because I see curvy larger girls wearing such cute things and I always wanted things like these but they just never looked right on me or I could not find them in my size and here they were. I was in love. I actually felt moved by these shorts and my sister had no idea she had done something so sincere with her normal giving nature in just that action.

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Then there was my husband’s gift. I asked for an ice cream cake and boy o boy did he deliver. He let me choose the one I wanted from Cold Stone called Strawberry Passion. It was layers of moist red velvet cake, strawberry puree and strawberry ice cream with graham cracker pie crust wrapped in fluffy strawberry frosting. I was in HEAVEN. Usually I only eat one slice each year of any ice cream cake but this year we bought a 6 inch cake and I ate half of it and he the other (over the course of 2 days). I did not regret it one bit, only made sure to start the veggies immediately upon finishing it to tame the rising sweet tooth that was sure to come since I rarely to eat such sweets. Again paradise…I just sunk into the sofa and melted into another universe with it.

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Then the next day I met up with my best friend for breakfast at a new restaurant (well new to us) and we had an amazing breakfast and she gave me an itunes card. I was planning on getting some new music via that same platform and was enthusiastic about it because I had been listening to some new artists and needed to get it in my repertoire soon so I could play it non-stop until I could just about hear it on the radio or anywhere else and think the next song is…oh wait this isn’t the album, lol. I have done that so many times in my life wearing an album out. Thank you girl. I need this music in my life it was so positive and great and been reaching to me for weeks. That card was right on time. It gets me started revamping my music collection, it’s been a while.

Finally, my mom and I were having a conversation about my husband. He sometimes has moments of MANLINESS. You know the moments people, these are the moments where he shoves his foot so far down his throat that when he realizes that it is there it is up to his thigh and he can read the label on the back of his pants. Welp he had that moment about 2-3 weeks ago. He started making more and more comments about me taking over ‘HIS’ tablet. Which before then was our tablet our so I thought. Granted he got it with a deal with his phone, but said we would share it. He rarely ever used it and neither did I. Then I started using it more and suddenly so did he…but not really because I did he just did because of some apps he put on it as did I. So when he made the comment, “man you have had MY tablet so much lately that I forgot what it looked like” and tried to laugh it off. I said ‘MY’…’YOUR’ and then he laughed and said ‘OUR’ and I said don’t worry I will get my own. Then he didn’t like this. Because he knows when I buy things I research really well and get exactly what I want, like I did with my phone and everything else and he is usually jealous.I knew he meant what he said, but he kept trying to play it off but he did a bad job of it. He next line went something like…Man see you gonna go get an iPad air or something that got everything, and a gazillion gigs of memory and what not…and he droned on for like 5 minutes.

Now it was my turn to laugh. I said I would not get a something that expensive, I promised that whatever I got would be less than $50 and still out do anything he got and that I would be happy as pie about it all. He soon forgot about the conversation. My mom and I talked about this conversation about 2 weeks later…It just happened to come up as my husband managed to make another comment earlier that day again about my use of the tablet…She said well how much do they cost and I said $40-60 and there was one I was looking at around $50 or so that had everything that I was going to get. She then said, well, I have not given you a birthday gift yet, would you rather that be your gift…and I said well SURE. I had not even thought of that.

I said welp buddy you are getting your just desserts now, LOL. I usually do not play a game of war with my husband…who am I kidding yes I do. We do it all the time, all in fun and we will have fun with this as well my whole family for weeks to come, but he deserved it for being a numbskull. I made sure it had all the bells and whistles too including coming with a keyboard case, stylus, and headphones, having more memory, buying an additional memory card to expand the memory, and having an hdmi port (which came with the cord) to hook to the t.v. Yep I went all out.And of course front and rear facing cameras. And since he’s a tech head he is going to want to get his hands on it and play with it and I will know when he tries because he will need my PASSWORD or PIN to get in. I’m not hiding a thing but it’s so I know when he has it, LMBO. I did the same thing with my phone for the first 10 months because he likes to try to download and change everything and make things like he wants it telling you what apps you needs and don’t need (I can’t stand that). I almost got in car accident once trying to voice text (cus I was trying to see what happened to it and turn it back on) only to find he THOUGHT it was not a necessary function and disabled it. I’m like um I use my voice features to call, text, and so on while driving dork, why would you cut that off? I use it to stay hands free (with headphones or bluetooth) and not look at the phone which defeated the purpose that day, smh.

Anyways, he had no idea this tablet was coming, at least not this way because he thought it was weeks away if I ever did it and he did not know I ordered it. It came this morning. I hugged my package to my chest and danced around my house. Since he doesn’t read my blog (though it goes to email since he is a subscriber) he won’t see this and I will just walk in the house and start using it). I have half a mind to tell him it’s from my love but I won’t do that, BWAHAHA.

I have taught him time and time being selfish gets you nowhere, LOL. I share all my stuff with him and he never takes care of it and breaks it which was another reason I wanted my own tablet before he did that and I did not have one. The man had torn through every pair of headphones, charger, and misc gadget in our house…if you know what’s good for you it better have a warranty.

can’t wait to see his reaction tonight! I know this is wrong but you have to have fun in your marriage, LOL this is our way…Can you laugh at each other? How do you have fun? We declare war!