Silent Fears and Frustrations…Part 2

As promised here is part 2 of my struggles. I can’t say they are always struggles as I have learned so much about myself but I still find them to be fears or frustrations so I struggle with the issues. One of these issues would be nightmares…I have increasingly more nightmares or unwanted dreams in the last year. I mean this may I have no idea how normal this is for most people but I usually do not have nightmares or bad dreams and I have had a TON of what I consider bad dreams lately. Though I know their source I have no idea what they mean. I truly do not like the uncertainty and the people by which I am dreaming concern me a great deal. Moreover, the stupid loop dreams are killin me. I think I am awake and then they sort of loop and start over and it’s almost like inception mixed with my whack job warping that gives me just enough leverage to know it’s a dream but I can’t wake up UGH. Usually nothing scary just annoying as all get out, LOL.

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When did people become so surly, rude, AND/OR impassioned that it was okay not to have a conversation or  debate with intellect, facts, and the occasional well thought out opinion with some supportive evidence. I mean we all enjoy talking about current events ranging from politics (well maybe not so much, lol) to the Olympics, but I have almost not even desired to open my mouth as people’s sensitivities appear to get hurt when I open my mouth. It’s extremely frustrating because I usually learn within the conversation or debate the person I am taking to has not even educated themselves on the person they are speaking about.Many times they have their own opinion of them already (good or bad) and the image is stuck and possibly quite superficial. They refuse to take in any new information about the person regardless if the person committed 10 crimes though formerly they were a Saint (not saying this was the case). Now I believe it is okay to be passionate about your conversation, cause, or topic it shows you care and have something more deeply rooted behind why you like the person/ cause/ topic; however, refusing to hear another person’s point and saying I don’t care what you say about this person, I won’t believe they are this or that or STAY of their case without hearing that person’s cause is rough…This last week dealing with several different issues I got SHUT DOWN just like that and it was quite rude and annoying. I mean from the it went to issues regarding personal matters, to things at work, to topics about the Olympics and all by different people and the funny part was I wasn’t even the one bringing up the topic some of the time, LMBO. I was just shocked at how it all seems to happen more and more in the world but how it all happened to me so much in one week. Man I definitely can say everyone I was dealing with needs a vacation ASAP before I start becoming a hermit.

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Recently not having time to myself anymore for anything. I mean I knew picking up a part-time job would suck some of my free-time away but it also took so much energy I just cannot even function when I do have days off and that was after cutting the hours back on the part-time job. My husband said he understood but I sadly do not think he fully gets how it feels when you are both Type A and need to get things straight and finished because you cannot trust others to do it (okay well him mainly) and when you want to relax but the time you put aside for it you are so fatigued that you cannot even enjoy it. Like being tired and relaxing are NOT the same thing. Like some days I just want to enjoy cooking a great meal, doing an art project, going for a swim or workout, playing a game, or talking to friends on the phone! But then I get home and I am so tired that my Myasthenia Gravis says Nope and I am slurring and I have to choose between taking meds and not slurring enough to eat or talking to them on the phone and maybe eating 2 bites and being hungry all night because I won’t really be able to eat it without choking and I will have horrible indigestion and heart burn and mucus build up (since I can’t drink water to thin it out- remember I can’t swallow and this means choking and literally drowning). Then people say text and I can only do that so long before my fingers give out too because I have a job where I must type. At home I can use my dragon speech system but at work I have not used it trying to be as ‘normal’ as possible. So I try to upload snap chats of me and posts giving quick updates so they know I am ‘alive’ and the countdown to treatment so that they know when I can finally be semi-normal again. I feel so bad though because I feel like a horrible friend. I want to do so much more with them. And I truly miss them all! It makes me feel pretty lonely sometimes and I find myself wanting to cry but since that will cause worsening symptoms I don’t but I tear up often and they just fall. I know this is something that some people will just not understand.

 

 

Silent Fears and Frustrations…Part 1

So I have grown to learn that we all have something that we are afraid of. I use to think I was so fearless and I think that comes with this things called our teenage years and 20’s. Then we get a bit older and realize with our responsibilities and threat of death that we are indeed afraid of things that we may never have been afraid of before…But the fear mya have always been there.

For example, you may have told your friends when you were younger that you were not afraid of frogs but then you relaize as an adult that you do have a strange fear of them. You wonder how this was possible that you never had the strange irrational fear they your friend did when they were younger running and screaming as children. Then you realize it was because you never really encountered any or that you did not have that traumatic encounter until you were an adult (stepping on the frog and almost slipping and falling on it). The latter would be me. I stepped on a frog and since then when I see one I can watch it, and stare at in an enclosure, but I give them an unnaturally wide girth when I see them in the ‘wild’. I have no desire for that to happen again. For some reason that experience freaked me out and I just can’t deal with frogs the same again.

Next came my fixation with needing to not only do my job but do it the best I could. It wasn’t about sucking up as some people may have seen it, but about trying to figure out the best way to do my job the most efficiently without having to do twice the work. I wanted to create my own best practices for myself in a sense. So it was a frustration for myself when I failed or got behind on my work…When I say behind the deadline usually had not come yet it would still be a ways off but it was past my personal deadline of when I wanted it done. I prefer to get things done 1-2 weeks ahead of schedule s that if something is a team effort or someone else relies on me to get my information done so that they can glean information from me for their reports they will have it in time. Moreover, If it is a project they can because I get them done so early so they can look at them and tell me what modifications they would like so they can still be done in the original time frame.

So for me it’s part of the organization fun but it also helps take some of the stress off my mind to know it is done in advance. It has nothing to do with sucking up. But the problem comes in when I care too much about what others think, or care about when it comes to when I need a break. I care so much that I let others take time off, or worry about what they will do when I am not there and how it will affect them. My friends and some family say you should not because they do not do that for you but some do. They change their schedules for my treatment and work around me when I feel ill when and do not create a hostile environment for me because of it. However, I get what they are saying and I have to start remembering what psychologists and governing bodies of some of our other countries have been saying for years; vacation is not a luxury it is a necessity. You need it to recharge. Some countries offer up 30 days of vacation per year and that has nothing to do with a graduated service to the employer that is just standard…I mean seriously and that doesn’t even include the paid holidays. I feel like I truly need to become European people. If they take me…A visit is one thing, staying is a different matter altogether, LOL.

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Stay tuned for part 2 of my fears and frustrations…yea there’s more, LOL