The TUG of WAR

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I have been battling the biggest battle of tug of war in my life and it is all within myself. Usually we struggle with good and bad or right and wrong. However, sometimes things are not that clear cut and black and white. Sometimes they are what is right for you at that time…If you pray on it enough, it will be right for all parties eventually.

The struggle I have been having was that AT FIRST, I was finding it hard to even pray over the situation. Now I can at least find comfort in God again. This definitely makes me feel better about things. However, I am still fighting an inner struggle as I have an issue of trust between me and the relationship that is in question.

When you lose trust, you wonder if you even want allow yourself to try again with the person if they have been given many opportunities as a friend or lover and they continue to take it for granted as if you HAVE to STAY there. You start saying things like I could text them and ask them how their day was? Or ask about their family? Or ask them their plans for the weekend…Then you say well it works both ways and I have been the only one doing this before and then I got nothing. You wonder if you are being selfish, childish, teaching them a lesson, or punishing them. You wonder if you are giving trust where they do not deserve it.

Then you wonder if you give this small token and try again will they assume everything is back to normal and begin where they left off…making you feel less than what you are, disrespected, friendless, alone, lied to perhaps and a bevy of other emotions and epitaphs.

So then you ask, why would I, or anyone else have this huge tug of war and not just cut the person off? If only it were that easy. We all say it is that easy. But it is always easier said than done until it is you and it takes you longer than normal to realize it was you getting taken advantage of. When I was younger it used to take me a long time to realize it. Then I got smart and would cut people loose before either of us were really attached and therefore I never really felt a loss. However, now as I age I have found that sometimes, those that you keep in your life  longer than a season may be catfishing you.

They make you think they belong when in fact they do not. Moreover, those that are ‘supposed’ to be in your life for the long haul and grow with you can be so taxing that sometimes you still have to let them go because their growth is more like a leech. With God this growth may be harder but it should still work; however, you get people who are so negative and venomous and not ready for change that they suck all the good qualities right out of you and you struggle to get back to being the person you were and they do not know how to give anything back to YOU to help you once they have used you all up and become better for themselves.

The funny part is rarely do ‘friends’ that you must cut off ever really fight to stay in your life once you decide to cut them loose because they got everything out of you that they wanted. However, this time I guess the reason I am struggling so much is because this person is actually fighting to stay in my life. Again considering that I am not related to the person, this says a lot, but it also says that I can still cut them loose at anytime to protect me from further harm. No one deserves to feel as though they are being forced to stay in a relationship out of obligation no matter the type of relationship.

Sometimes the obligations come in the form of duties such as children if you are married, or if you are friends the fact that you have known each other since elementary school, or because they saved your life or helped you through a difficult time in your life. However, we all can outgrow someone and you do not have to stay becasue of those things. Even children. You can still make arrangements and be amicable for the the sake of the kids but live your own lives separately for happiness.

I still have not made a decision and it have been a few weeks dealing with this struggle. Obviously there are other reasons involved that I would rather not divulge at this point. However, I will say that since the trust was broken, I feel I have a right to take my time making my decision and that it’s ok for me to feel this way right now. I believe it is normal for me feel torn between wanting things to be right but not being ready to let this person back in yet since they hurt me and have not proven themselves worthy of trust yet. They have not earned it back and I do not feel ready to begin showing even small strides on the levels that I know I could do because I do not want WANT to. I just feel that is not fair to give that person what they desire when I have been lacking for so long and then as they try to give it now, it feels its only because they have screwed up and are losing me…This may not be, they may truly have learned their lesson but I need to see this change indefinitely before or at least consistently for longer than a few weeks before I make any movement on my part.

I know this sounds a bit harsh and even down right stubborn but, when you are talking about matters of the heart, one grows tired of being hurt and in and pain and will do whatever it takes to prevent it from happening again! I hope am able to get to a point of forgiveness for myself or the person for my own sanity! However, this does not mean that the person gets to ‘stay in my life’ just because I forgive them, only that I have found peace and can coincide with them amicably and move on.

 

Stop Critiquing Blessings…

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I got my WHOLE life this morning through a short word on the radio while driving to work. I think we may all be a little guilty of it sometimes. I listen to THE LIGHT Gospel radio station and it was the Yolanda Adams Morning Show and Marcus D. Wiley was giving the Sanctified Sermon from 2 Kings Chp 5 .

It was of Naaman a man struck with Leprosy whom was a wealthy and powerful commander of an army. He prayed to be healed of a the disease. However, when it came to be (healed), he was almost upset at how it had come, by a messenger of Elisha instead of by Elisha himself by which he had sought help. He was told that through Elisha he would be healed and now this man has sent a messenger.

Though yes he eventually did as he was told and it did work… we must all remember that things do not always come in the way, shape, form, or time in which we pray. We have to say any way you bless me LORD I will be satisfied and know that you prayed for it and he gave you what you asked now can you handle the blessing you asked for?

If you asked for that new job, you can’t start complaining about the distance, or the how if you said lord please give me a part-time job stop complaining about being tired. When you say please lord I want to spend more time with my family, do not get upset when you get flexible time at work and realize that home bills or car mileage/ gas is higher because you are taking more family outings or spending more family fun in the house. You cannot critique/criticize the blessing because it did not come with extra stipulations that fit in a cozy box for you. Be happy with what HE gave you so that when it is time for bigger and better he knows you are ready, able, and grateful for it!

Ask and You Shall Receive

Usually I offer my help to most anyone in need. However, there are those who I may not know are in need and therefore I always state that if you are in need, by all means speak up…I am not a mind reader. I enjoy helping others and if I can do something for you within  reason I will try my best. I like to do busy work when I am at work because when I am bored I looked bored, and looking bored at my place of employment or most places can spell bad things in the long run. You can look lazy, useless, unmotivated, or even unambitious. I am in no way any of these things; however, from the outside looking in, anyone can look like this when you have lulls in your work and a person happens to catch you like this a few times.

So I prefer to stay busy. It also helps the time pass by so much more quickly. And helping people as I always say gives me a sense of accomplishment like no other. It makes me feel so fulfilled and happy I just cannot seem to get enough. I prefer to offer my help and genuinely desire to give it than to be demanded to do it. This way I know that I am doing it of my own free will with no strings attached. I know I will not asked for it, I was not offered a reward, and I was not promised any recognition. I do not even need a thanks for it, because knowing that I helped them and they were able to benefit is enough, though most are grateful enough to offer thanks which is greatly appreciated. That is enough for me.

Such things like this makes me want to pray for them even more and intercede on their behalf. I pray and ask for mercy and blessings for that person and/ or their family. I want nothing but good for them. I do not do it to get into heaven, or to get more favor with God, or to get that next job or promotion. I do because it is right and feels good to do so. You should want to do good for those reasons not for leverage.

Birthday Reflections

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So as it nears my birthday I am always asked what am I planning. This year my best friends asked me and I honestly said nothing and that I had not even really thought about it. I think part of it is because I have been so busy with life that I have not had much time to slow down and think about it. But I also realized which I told her is that I am pretty content. I felt pretty peaceful despite what the hives all over my body said. The hives I believe were a reaction to both stress and a medication I had a reaction to in November that I just stopped taking and now I have to take 2 new medications for the next few weeks to hopefully get rid of them. UGH! LOL. However, even that has not dampened my spirits.

I feel as though I am too blessed to continue, year after year, planning things solely for a birthday. Do not get me wrong, I am grateful for another year that I am given, but I have the WHOLE YEAR to plan something amazing and I am already doing that with my plans to go to Europe in the fall. So for me I am just working and enjoying things as they come.

I also find that at this point in my life I do not really ask for gifts anymore, more like just mention things I may need or that I like and if I get them so be it…but I planned or getting myself anyway so I am never disappointed if I do not get it for a birthday, holiday, or otherwise. For me, I have come to terms that I excited with just being HERE. With MG, or life in general, that is not promised! SO I have to say to be able to say I have made it 2+ years with this disorder and that is usually the most dangerous time for a person with Myasthenia Gravis, I am just glad to be here and able to look normal to an outsider regardless of what is really going on with me on the inside. I am always grateful not to look like what I have been through!

However, there is one thing that I have been doing in the last 2 years that I enjoy to celebrate my birthday and that is spending it more with people who love me and I love. I have learned not to sit in the house like a hermit! So I use all those lovely websites where you can eat for free on your birthday (and these are just some of the places), and I subscribe with my email to other restaurants and places, and get my free meals, discounts, and coupons in the mail and ENJOY THE HECK OUT OF FEBRUARY! I will eat my way through some awesome menus that I normally would say is not in our budget or that I do not have time for as I am so busy. I have to make time for fun at some point and there are few times that I make time for me.

I plan to reschedule my movie date with my mom that we missed last weekend due to my being under MG-wise and I plan to eat out with whoever decides to tag along! I can’t wait to see what everyone chooses! I am game!

Secretly Answered…

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So that poem earlier was totally what I had gone through and was feeling. I had to let go and take a leap of faith and let my pride go about how long I can go without treatment. I always want to be superwoman and make it 12 weeks and longer now that I know I can. However, there are sometimes extenuating circumstances and reasons beyond my control that I cannot foresee that say that I cannot and that I need to REST and allow myself to be rejuvenated and not worry about what could be. The problem I have is that I sometimes begin to worry about all the possible problems that can happen when I have to let go. Who will pick up the pieces if I have to let go.

I was worried I would be dropped by a particular specialist who has a waiting list a mile long to been seen regarding attempting to have a baby. For me this requires being taken of several medications and maybe being placed on others to compensate for them. It will also require being seen by other specialists along the way. I was so worried and I began to cry. I then decided no matter what I needed this treatment and just made the decision and placed it in God’s hands. I made no mention to anyone.

I called my neurologist as usual to set up my plasmapheresis treatment for tomorrow. He was able to get me in. I was happy. He called me back to confirm it then he said something I was not expecting but let me know that my prayers had been heard. He said by the way we have been meeting and have come up with some alternatives that may work for you regarding your medications and we need you to make an appointment with us after you have had your treatments so we can discuss this and get you moving.

I was in shock. I was so relieved to hear this information. It was satisfying to my soul. I thanked GOD. I never said anything to this man about this and for him to say that to me made my entire day! My only reason for seeing the specialist in the first place was not just for a baby which is very important but because I needed an alternative for the immunosuppressants and steroids that suppress my immune system which cause me to be more susceptible to illnesses. I am stable with my MG and tired of the EXTRA stresses of colds respiratory infections and viruses. It is just not fun when a normal cold is like having the flu and the flu is like absolute death for me. I am durn proud to have gone so long without a hospital admittance and (knock on wood) keep it that way. I have gone a year without an MG related admittance and 9 months without any overnight admittance period.

I am still learning but I know I can do the things that I am set to do through God and I believe this wholeheartedly. If I pray for them and get them I must be ready to accept them and all the blessings/ consequences. I am learning things can be hard and hard work at that but if I want it to be great it takes that sometimes! I have to learn to listen too and not to the human self but the spiritual self and to God. That is hard if you do not have a relationship with him and I am working hard to keep that line open and clear!

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A Leap of Faith

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Staring vacantly ahead

Deep in thought

Rocking back and forth, back and forth

Wringing hands so tight they are numb

Rocking and thinking, think and rocking

Tears silently sliding down my face

I have to let go of my pride

I have to hear HIM

I have understand everything, anything

I have to let go! I have try. I…don’t know anymore

Rocking back and forth back and forth

It has to get better

I have made a decision

Is it the right decision?

Rocking and thinking, thinking and rocking

I can’t worry anymore I have to let go

I have to trust and take A LEAP

 

**These are the moments in which I struggle the most…when I sometimes want to take the reins and control everything and I forget that I have to trust and allow God to do what he has designed for me. There are times when I feel that I can be superwoman and I choose not to rest and plow forward and I reminded that I can no longer do that with MG. These were one of those times! You never know when God has equipped you with wings, a parachute or a safety net, you just have to to trust HIM!**

I Miss My Gingerbread…

The subtle way you held your mouth while reading

The delicate manner in which touching touching the paper

The deliberate effort placed into each word you made while still making each sound as sweet as a peach

How did you do that?

Never raising your voice in anger

Always a smile upon your lips

Sweet words to heal even to worst of days for me.

You place down your book and go into the kitchen to finish dinner.

There you are baking and kneading dough with your bare soft hands

Watching the rhythmic way you pat and roll, pat and roll

Spin

Pat and roll the tray of cornbread

The buttermilk smells so heavenly and looks enticing on your sweet little fingers as you squeeze it off as if they were utters

I giggle inwardly at the thought

You wash your pillow soft hands and put on lotion in such a dainty way

I watch the way the luster comes back and the gingerbread spice of your skin sparkles

How I miss my Gingerbread!

 

**For my reader- It’s been 5 years but there is hardly a week that goes by that I do not think about my great grandmother! She was truly a loving woman that was the apple of my eye. I loved her very dearly and she was one of the sweetest women I know. Her nick name was Gingerbread both a play on her name being Virginia and likely her skin color. She loved to read and she loved to cook and be with her family. She also loved the Lord. She would have been 92 yesterday and I honestly was can say I am still learning from this woman even after she is gone! Thanks Grandma!

Misdirected Frustration

I have realized that there are times that we as people do not mean to be frustrated and that we do not even realize we are frustrated or have an attitude until it is far too late. And even then we are so committed to the moment that we will state that we do not when confronted because we are genuinely hurt or possibly embarrassed and our pride has been knocked down a few notches.

Many times when I get frustrated it is because I cannot help someone that I truly desire to help. An example would be my mom. She and I are quite close. My mom calls me often. However, some of her calls are about technology. I sometimes dread these calls because I am a kinesthetic learner/ person. Let’s be clear I do not dread them because of her, ONLY because I have a hard time visualizing the problem sometimes because I most of the time I need to physically see the issue and play with it on my own by putting my hands on it and doing it myself. So when my mom calls me and she needs something right at that moment and I cannot help her it tends to frustrate us both when I cannot and both of us have our tempers flare a bit. Mine because she cannot always understand what I feel is ‘simple’ enough for her to get and hers because what I am telling her does not make sense or is not solving her problem.

Many times these sort of issues do not escalate much farther and we sweep it under the rug. But as I was driving home later that day I thought about the incident. I thought and thought and realized no matter how irritated I was about it, it was because I could not help her. It was not because she called me at work, or because she had become frustrated with me, it was because I could not help her and that I had become frustrated right back. I wanted to immediately call and apologize. Then I realized I never do apologize after these circumstances, WE never do. It’s like an unspoken thing because, well we just don’t. I guess we could but we understand that it was not serious and that it was not worth it. We always sort of call each other the next day and talk about something else and move past it. We never hold a grudge over it and nothing ever fester from it which I am always grateful because I could not live knowing I hurt my mother and she was just holding on to it silently. No, that would just not do! My mom is a strong woman who is also very sensitive and I would never want to jeopardize that relationship.

As I thought deeper into how this situation went though I realized this could permeate across other relationships. Was this also happening with my husband? Did this sometimes happen between my parents? Were they away? Are my husband and I aware? I felt like my mind was blown! My husband and I had a long sit down! We had some talking to do. It started with him remembering that I have anxiety and that frustration means slow down and try to express things calmly which can be hard when you have anxiety and to work with me, lol. It’s still hard saying that I have GAD or generalized anxiety disorder and have since I was 16 but I have always felt I have had a good grip on it until I don’t. I seem pretty normal until I’m not. Until he thinks I’m crazy…So I remind him of his ‘safe’ zone words he may well want to stay away from and the fact that I am indeed not crazy just frustrated because I have anxiety and struggling to express myself properly at the moment and I need time to chill/ decompress. He’s still learning, we can usually laugh later but at the time my anxiety is no laughing matter. I always feel so ‘little’ during my moments. I am just glad between my mother,  husband, and of course God that they make me feel seen and encouraged. I was doing well on my own but with them I am thriving!

When It All Comes Together

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There are times when things just seem to fall into place like the perfect puzzle. I mean they seem to start to fall into place no matter how hard they did not want to before. I was in so much stress just a few months back and struggling mentally with some things before and now. I have decided that whether these things truly come to pass or not I have plan and a back up plan and that I am fine with either. I am going to be content with these plans and keep pushing forward.

I am trying to be upbeat because it is pretty much all I know how to be! I mean I know I am not perfect and so does everyone around me and I can live with that. I enjoy the feeling I get when I know that my hard work pays off and that when you put out your good intentions and vibes in the world they do come back in the same way. I may not do everything I want to but I know that I have a really good heart and I try to think of others often.

I pray for others often and they may never know it but, they are constantly on my mind because I want to see them do well even if I forget to call, text, or facebook them once every 3 months, LOL. Sometimes it can be hard for me to talk to people who are constantly more negative than positive because it drains me and when there are a lot of them and they do not listen to advice or perpetuate more negativity I have to distance myself a bit so that it does not sour my mood. I only want to uplift people and some people can make that really hard.

If I could tattoo a smiley face on everyone’s heart and make it rain hearts and flowers I would. But since  I can’t will have to go with my method of loving people in the only ways I know how and that is to uplift them when I can, love them no matter what, and do what I can, when I can! This also includes helping the random stranger at the library adjust her paragraph formatting to reduce the spacing as she as not as familiar with computers.

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And letting my 1-3 drivers in at certain locations along my route home in traffic. I love doing my good deeds. I also enjoy helping the odd person read something or find something in the store that they may be looking for though I totally do not work there.

So when good things happen to me I am still surprised, not because I feel like I deserve them but because I feel like my one little good deed could not have possibly warranted such an amazing blessing sometimes. I am always so grateful.

Blessings Big and Small

I wrote a post a few days ago about being in awe the other day and found it absolutely strange that someone liked my post that had the most opposed view of life than I. I was very skeptical of their reasoning behind why they chose to read my blog. I still am, not because I do not first want to believe the good in people (because I thanked them first almost blindly before viewing their page) but because then once I saw their page and the links on their page I was nervous of why I was so put on the spot. Why they chose my post to reblog.

Then I said hey I cannot worry about that. For whatever reason they chose it and poured it to a vastly larger pool of people I hope it reaches people who will find people who understand my message and my heart. That understand that I enjoy people as they are. I found the links within their blog hilarious because they reminded me of my younger brother and though I do not always agree with him and the things he does or posts in his facebook page he is quite the lil exhibitionist and I find it quite freeing and enduring because many say the same of me, LOL.

I would just rather do mine “exhibitionist” acts in person rather than where people can will see it online and it has a life of it’s own to live forever on the internet, LOL. When you are 60 with children and grandchildren would you rather say you did some of these things and laugh or have proof that you were caught doing these things. Some things are better left saying you did them than someone having proof of your “wilder” days, LOL.

Anyways, back to the blessings…I was in such awe that day for so many reasons. It was strange the mood I was in all week. Then this past weekend we played dirty santa with a group of friends. My husband who had never played was hilarious. He was like what is this game. I said I have played a version but I am not sure it is the same thing and indeed it was not. However, the version we played was much like white elephant. A price limit of  up to $10 was set yet obviously you know some people were going to spend more. Then the gifts are wrapped. Numbers are put in a container and then each person draws a number. The person who draws number 1 goes first. They open their gift and show everyone. Then the person who has 2 goes and either can steal #1’s gift or open one of the gifts still left on the table. If they steal #1’s gift they get to open another gift on the table (that they did not bring). Obviously you want to be the last to go, LOL. You want to see what everyone has so that you can steal what you want. Some people play that #1 gets to go twice since they either get the crappy gift or everyone steals from them. We did not, LOL. We established that rule before we started.

My husband got a gift he needed a key finder…remember in one of my post Goldilocks lost his glasses; one of the 4 things he always loses was his keys…I was so excited! The funny thing was before we could even put it on the keys the next day, we had to search for them for like 20 min, LMBO. Then, I was number 10. After it was stolen 3 times in the game, I finally was the last to steal it, a walmart gift card and a huge Hershey kiss which was something my husband wanted and originally got and was stolen from him. So I was his white knight or should I say Chocolate knight in more ways than one, LMBO.

The funny thing is every time we go to events and there are raffles and we win which has been sort of often lately thank GOD it has also been something that we have NEEDED not just wanted. I have been thrilled. Things that have helped make our (mainly my life with MG) easier. When we can take shortcuts or get a little extra cash it is always helpful. Again another positive experience for the hubs and I got to see him smile and have another new things to put on his list. What fun!