Why Most Women Nag: You do not have to know how she feels to try

Many men claim the biggest thing their wives do that annoy them is nag. However, have you ever really say and wondered why? Though sometimes it is. We don’t want to do it! We don’t wake up saying, “what can we nag them about today?” It’s stressful! However, it happens! Like it isn’t just because she learned it from her mom, she is a control freak, or you just don’t do things.

I have found that it can be a culmination of these things but coupled with our need to see the that person actually goes through changes to get that task done on time.

Likely when we ask the first time having never asked the person we give them the benefit of the doubt and HOPE they will do it. But when they let us down we lose some trust for them. More over if it happens again even if they apologize like the first time we no longer trust them and though they could be genuine, they still have not gone through any changes to prevent it from happening again.

They are still not as annoyed or concerned as you are and won’t be. Which would be fine if they at least tried to put forth an effort to take on tasks appropriately.

So sadly when people get divorced one day I don’t understand how she left over toothpaste in the sink, not putting the glass in the dishwasher, or some other small chore that is not that. It’s the fact that there was no reaction, no trust to get it dome and she was tired of being shut down and shut out. She was tired of doing it for them so she quit because they could not see the bigger picture. I say this from watching it happen countless times with friends, family, and countless bloggers. I say this from being married and telling my husband, “do you want to be like such and such…then straighten up and fly right, LOL” Because though we joke he understands the seriousness behind my tone.

She should not have to nag. She should be able to trust and depend that you care about her emotions (even if you do not understand them) and what may be important enough to try and help even if you cannot feel what she is feeling. Compromise is key.

Growing Together

I have learned a lot since being married that I did not quite understand while dating my husband. He is more quirky than I realized, some may say complex but that is not true. Complex would imply that he truly was on a deeper level at times and though sometimes he is many times he is not but he is simply quirky and living the #teamweird life that I thrive off of. He has no idea, rhyme, or reason for why he does some things and is waiting to be guided toward something that gives him purpose at times.

He is truly one of the most laid back go with the flow or NOT guys I know. He will sit and do nothing for ever then suddenly he must be going somewhere for no reason at all just to sit and do more nothing (at least that is how it seems to me).

But as a woman I know it is because he wants to hang with the guys. I have learned that my husband and I together are interesting to others. We actually make other people stare in a very comical way most times. We bond together through games which is basically how we met (a recreational softball league). It’s obvious we have this in common and enjoy. So it is only natural that we play a ton of computer games, cards, board games, mobile games, console games, and so on. We also can be very competitive. We aren’t usually sore losers/ winners though thank goodness. I think we would probably divorce if we were, LOL. I cannot stand a sore loser or winner it drives me crazy.

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My husband is also a very touchy feely (COLD-NATURED) person. what this means is he wants to nuzzle and cuddle under my hot-natured self all the time and I cannot deal, LOL. I feel like I am going to ignite and spontaneously combust into flames each time he touches me for more than 3 seconds.  I feel like I was burned where ever his skin has come into contact with mine though in actually it may have slightly become warmer and even clammy though he NEVER notices. He is just happy to be near me and touched. He is just a very affectionate person. I used to be this way until I was broken by one ex in particular transitioning from high school to college. I tried my hardest even then to ignore the fact that we were both hot-natured but he was not a touchy feely person and pushed me away constantly and it made me self-conscious about be near people in that way. I have been unable to revert and being hot-natured has made it easy not to want to go back, PLUS with MG it makes me SUPER weak when I get over heated because I get up feeling like spaghetti and then I have issues talking and eating. So yea…I need to get him a little stuffed animal, blanket, or a something.

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Another thing I have learned is that my husband is a very visual learner and must not only hear you ASK him something but he needs to see it to remember it. Moreover, even if you think you are asking it becasue it is the inflection in you voice where you think it is obvious that it was a question and that it was nice or a joke, he may have taking the tone completely different depending on his mood because my husband has just come to terms that he is more emotional that he would like to think. Like most men they bottle up their emotions but for him he did this way more than most for so long that it caused some deeper issues and now he tends to wear them on his sleeve with those closest to him and take it out on us. I have had to learn to show him when he is doing it and to lovingly and patiently help him see this is not conducive to our marriage and especially the situation. That is not always easy for such an outspoken woman…I had to learn how to be tight-lipped some days. Then explain later how I felt and that I am glad he got the point before I kindly dotted all his I’s (eyes) crossed his T’s (testes) and gave him the biscuit he asked for at breakfast (throat punched him).

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I love him though. Now if I could only get the little scavenger to stop eating my snacks. He has one more time before I…

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The TUG of WAR

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I have been battling the biggest battle of tug of war in my life and it is all within myself. Usually we struggle with good and bad or right and wrong. However, sometimes things are not that clear cut and black and white. Sometimes they are what is right for you at that time…If you pray on it enough, it will be right for all parties eventually.

The struggle I have been having was that AT FIRST, I was finding it hard to even pray over the situation. Now I can at least find comfort in God again. This definitely makes me feel better about things. However, I am still fighting an inner struggle as I have an issue of trust between me and the relationship that is in question.

When you lose trust, you wonder if you even want allow yourself to try again with the person if they have been given many opportunities as a friend or lover and they continue to take it for granted as if you HAVE to STAY there. You start saying things like I could text them and ask them how their day was? Or ask about their family? Or ask them their plans for the weekend…Then you say well it works both ways and I have been the only one doing this before and then I got nothing. You wonder if you are being selfish, childish, teaching them a lesson, or punishing them. You wonder if you are giving trust where they do not deserve it.

Then you wonder if you give this small token and try again will they assume everything is back to normal and begin where they left off…making you feel less than what you are, disrespected, friendless, alone, lied to perhaps and a bevy of other emotions and epitaphs.

So then you ask, why would I, or anyone else have this huge tug of war and not just cut the person off? If only it were that easy. We all say it is that easy. But it is always easier said than done until it is you and it takes you longer than normal to realize it was you getting taken advantage of. When I was younger it used to take me a long time to realize it. Then I got smart and would cut people loose before either of us were really attached and therefore I never really felt a loss. However, now as I age I have found that sometimes, those that you keep in your life  longer than a season may be catfishing you.

They make you think they belong when in fact they do not. Moreover, those that are ‘supposed’ to be in your life for the long haul and grow with you can be so taxing that sometimes you still have to let them go because their growth is more like a leech. With God this growth may be harder but it should still work; however, you get people who are so negative and venomous and not ready for change that they suck all the good qualities right out of you and you struggle to get back to being the person you were and they do not know how to give anything back to YOU to help you once they have used you all up and become better for themselves.

The funny part is rarely do ‘friends’ that you must cut off ever really fight to stay in your life once you decide to cut them loose because they got everything out of you that they wanted. However, this time I guess the reason I am struggling so much is because this person is actually fighting to stay in my life. Again considering that I am not related to the person, this says a lot, but it also says that I can still cut them loose at anytime to protect me from further harm. No one deserves to feel as though they are being forced to stay in a relationship out of obligation no matter the type of relationship.

Sometimes the obligations come in the form of duties such as children if you are married, or if you are friends the fact that you have known each other since elementary school, or because they saved your life or helped you through a difficult time in your life. However, we all can outgrow someone and you do not have to stay becasue of those things. Even children. You can still make arrangements and be amicable for the the sake of the kids but live your own lives separately for happiness.

I still have not made a decision and it have been a few weeks dealing with this struggle. Obviously there are other reasons involved that I would rather not divulge at this point. However, I will say that since the trust was broken, I feel I have a right to take my time making my decision and that it’s ok for me to feel this way right now. I believe it is normal for me feel torn between wanting things to be right but not being ready to let this person back in yet since they hurt me and have not proven themselves worthy of trust yet. They have not earned it back and I do not feel ready to begin showing even small strides on the levels that I know I could do because I do not want WANT to. I just feel that is not fair to give that person what they desire when I have been lacking for so long and then as they try to give it now, it feels its only because they have screwed up and are losing me…This may not be, they may truly have learned their lesson but I need to see this change indefinitely before or at least consistently for longer than a few weeks before I make any movement on my part.

I know this sounds a bit harsh and even down right stubborn but, when you are talking about matters of the heart, one grows tired of being hurt and in and pain and will do whatever it takes to prevent it from happening again! I hope am able to get to a point of forgiveness for myself or the person for my own sanity! However, this does not mean that the person gets to ‘stay in my life’ just because I forgive them, only that I have found peace and can coincide with them amicably and move on.

 

My Awesome Birthday Gifts

There are times that you get a gift for your birthday and you say yeah ok I like this, or this will come in handy. You truly appreciate it and are happy for it. Then there are times that as soon as you hear about a gift you are receiving or get a gift and PUFF UP with excitement and pride and know exactly how you are going to spend every moment with these gifts. You have already planned every waking minute with said items. I did not ask for anything for my birthday yet when i said the things that I had planned to get for myself on the months leading up to my birthday and the days after, people felt compelled to get them for me. I was ecstatic because obviously I already had planned to get them for myself so I really wanted them. I had researched them and everything. Then I got 2 unexpected gifts…but let me slow down and start from the beginning.

So the first person to get me a gift was my sister though I received her gift last due to it being left at her house and me just not meeting her there. My mom had seen it and they kept telling me how awesome my gift was. And indeed it was. She has incredible fashion sense and tends to buy me awesome clothes (well anyone in our family). She needs to be a celebrity shopper or something. Anyways, she bought me a cute sweater with with some pizzazz from one of my favorite stores (Torrids) then I saw it…Some shorts though likely pajama shorts I will find myself in them in random places (the beach, maybe working out, and possibly doing some crazy event). They were shorts that had WONDER WOMAN on them. I was excited and never knew I would be excited about something like this. But I was. I was really excited about them. I think partially because I see curvy larger girls wearing such cute things and I always wanted things like these but they just never looked right on me or I could not find them in my size and here they were. I was in love. I actually felt moved by these shorts and my sister had no idea she had done something so sincere with her normal giving nature in just that action.

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Then there was my husband’s gift. I asked for an ice cream cake and boy o boy did he deliver. He let me choose the one I wanted from Cold Stone called Strawberry Passion. It was layers of moist red velvet cake, strawberry puree and strawberry ice cream with graham cracker pie crust wrapped in fluffy strawberry frosting. I was in HEAVEN. Usually I only eat one slice each year of any ice cream cake but this year we bought a 6 inch cake and I ate half of it and he the other (over the course of 2 days). I did not regret it one bit, only made sure to start the veggies immediately upon finishing it to tame the rising sweet tooth that was sure to come since I rarely to eat such sweets. Again paradise…I just sunk into the sofa and melted into another universe with it.

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Then the next day I met up with my best friend for breakfast at a new restaurant (well new to us) and we had an amazing breakfast and she gave me an itunes card. I was planning on getting some new music via that same platform and was enthusiastic about it because I had been listening to some new artists and needed to get it in my repertoire soon so I could play it non-stop until I could just about hear it on the radio or anywhere else and think the next song is…oh wait this isn’t the album, lol. I have done that so many times in my life wearing an album out. Thank you girl. I need this music in my life it was so positive and great and been reaching to me for weeks. That card was right on time. It gets me started revamping my music collection, it’s been a while.

Finally, my mom and I were having a conversation about my husband. He sometimes has moments of MANLINESS. You know the moments people, these are the moments where he shoves his foot so far down his throat that when he realizes that it is there it is up to his thigh and he can read the label on the back of his pants. Welp he had that moment about 2-3 weeks ago. He started making more and more comments about me taking over ‘HIS’ tablet. Which before then was our tablet our so I thought. Granted he got it with a deal with his phone, but said we would share it. He rarely ever used it and neither did I. Then I started using it more and suddenly so did he…but not really because I did he just did because of some apps he put on it as did I. So when he made the comment, “man you have had MY tablet so much lately that I forgot what it looked like” and tried to laugh it off. I said ‘MY’…’YOUR’ and then he laughed and said ‘OUR’ and I said don’t worry I will get my own. Then he didn’t like this. Because he knows when I buy things I research really well and get exactly what I want, like I did with my phone and everything else and he is usually jealous.I knew he meant what he said, but he kept trying to play it off but he did a bad job of it. He next line went something like…Man see you gonna go get an iPad air or something that got everything, and a gazillion gigs of memory and what not…and he droned on for like 5 minutes.

Now it was my turn to laugh. I said I would not get a something that expensive, I promised that whatever I got would be less than $50 and still out do anything he got and that I would be happy as pie about it all. He soon forgot about the conversation. My mom and I talked about this conversation about 2 weeks later…It just happened to come up as my husband managed to make another comment earlier that day again about my use of the tablet…She said well how much do they cost and I said $40-60 and there was one I was looking at around $50 or so that had everything that I was going to get. She then said, well, I have not given you a birthday gift yet, would you rather that be your gift…and I said well SURE. I had not even thought of that.

I said welp buddy you are getting your just desserts now, LOL. I usually do not play a game of war with my husband…who am I kidding yes I do. We do it all the time, all in fun and we will have fun with this as well my whole family for weeks to come, but he deserved it for being a numbskull. I made sure it had all the bells and whistles too including coming with a keyboard case, stylus, and headphones, having more memory, buying an additional memory card to expand the memory, and having an hdmi port (which came with the cord) to hook to the t.v. Yep I went all out.And of course front and rear facing cameras. And since he’s a tech head he is going to want to get his hands on it and play with it and I will know when he tries because he will need my PASSWORD or PIN to get in. I’m not hiding a thing but it’s so I know when he has it, LMBO. I did the same thing with my phone for the first 10 months because he likes to try to download and change everything and make things like he wants it telling you what apps you needs and don’t need (I can’t stand that). I almost got in car accident once trying to voice text (cus I was trying to see what happened to it and turn it back on) only to find he THOUGHT it was not a necessary function and disabled it. I’m like um I use my voice features to call, text, and so on while driving dork, why would you cut that off? I use it to stay hands free (with headphones or bluetooth) and not look at the phone which defeated the purpose that day, smh.

Anyways, he had no idea this tablet was coming, at least not this way because he thought it was weeks away if I ever did it and he did not know I ordered it. It came this morning. I hugged my package to my chest and danced around my house. Since he doesn’t read my blog (though it goes to email since he is a subscriber) he won’t see this and I will just walk in the house and start using it). I have half a mind to tell him it’s from my love but I won’t do that, BWAHAHA.

I have taught him time and time being selfish gets you nowhere, LOL. I share all my stuff with him and he never takes care of it and breaks it which was another reason I wanted my own tablet before he did that and I did not have one. The man had torn through every pair of headphones, charger, and misc gadget in our house…if you know what’s good for you it better have a warranty.

can’t wait to see his reaction tonight! I know this is wrong but you have to have fun in your marriage, LOL this is our way…Can you laugh at each other? How do you have fun? We declare war!

Getting the Spark Back

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I heard an interesting topic on the radio about a young woman who had been married for 7 months and who already felt unattracted to her husband. She prefaced it with she is a Christian woman and that she she was finding many other men attractive but not her husband and was seeking the help of the radio personality for advice.

During this segment his readers tend to call in and weigh on the topic and usually in the most positive and respectful manner, not many radio shows where they can tear a person down as it is a Christian show. They are quite therapeutic. I found this particularly refreshing.

The radio personality first responded by giving his personal account saying that marriage has it’s ups and downs and that he had gone through this himself and how he handled his situation. But that as always and COMMUNICATION is the key.

We always cringe and feel this is so cliche but it is the pivotal corner stone that without it all else would fail. I kept waiting for someone on the call to say maybe she rushed into marriage…but at this point it was a moot point and though many may have thought it, it was a negative thought and again may not have been the case. It could have simply been just as stated that they lacked communication.

Most of us get married and forget how to communicate as we once did. We forget how to be there as we once were for one another. We get busy with life. We forget how to date one another and send those texts or have those phone calls we once had with one another. We forget to send flowers, give compliments, or dress nice every so often for just your spouse.

And though we hate to admit sometimes it could be that the spouse gained some weight and it’s the hard talk of not physically being attracted for that reason. But then you have to be prepared to be their rock to get them back on track. Both of you eating healthy, cooking healthy, and having fun doing it. Planning fun and great workouts, not just sending them to their ‘doomed’ trainer and so on and saying YOU need to do this and leaving them to do it all alone and just paying for it…that’s not how it works.

Sometimes communication requires you both taking a closer look and what is holding you both where you are. Do you have a plan “b” in your phone causing your roaming eye as you and your spouse stumble? Delete the numbers and maybe block/ unfriend these people on social media so that you can fully pour all your efforts into your spouse again and only truly have eyes for your spouse again.

Marriage does have it’s ups and downs but unless you are willing to go to therapy, pray, or fight for it, you will not be able to get that spark back and you will continue to drift apart. You have to work at marriage all the time. You are two different people, from different backgrounds, who lead two different lives and come home with a day’s worth of different emotions and then are expected to live a life a together. It’s possible but you have to want it!