The Liebster Award

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‘Ello Blogstars! I have received another Liebster award and I am so very thankful that Spoken Black Girl has award me this honor because it means she, like the rest of you Bloggies, are enjoying my moments however outrageous they may get at times. You must check out her blog for some high quality material. She tells powerful stories about her life and is an advocate for Mental Illness as well.

In fact, all of these blogs that I’m nominating are inspising and speak volumes about their lives in some respect. They keep me centered and motivated! So without further pomp, my nominees are:

Mugilan Raju from Prime my subconscious, one hint at a time –  The poems he writes are so original and transcendent with their vivid imagery that you will be transported through his words into the stories of each piece. You have to check him out!

Linda from Tales from the cabbage patch – I was definitely drawn to the name as it is one of my nicknames and it lives up to the hype for one of my monikers, lol. Linda has a comedic heir to her life stories that are so relateable and when I tell you her pictures add to the hilarity I cry real tears laughing at her posts. Definitely worth checking out!

Sunshine from Sunshine Rays on Life– I Sunshine’s blog because her poems are so simple and refreshing. They just wash over you like a wave and make your feel like you could have though of the same thing when you saw that object or moment in time and the poems just make me feel so HAPPY!

Megan from The Manic Years  is a fellow mental health advocate that you should keep on your watch list. Her unique mix of mental health advocacy and art is inspiring! She gives you her story as well as the stories of countless others letting you know that you are not alone and is honest about her everyday struggles letting you know that there is hope! I love it!

Deidra Alexander at Deidra Alexander’s Blog is an amazing fiction writer that poetically writes about her everyday life in such a way that you feel you are truly reading about the most spectacular adventure. I mean I really feel like I am in another world reading her blog. Please check it out. She’s one of the many talented writers that I follow.

I wish I could list all of the bloggers that I love. There are so many, please do not feel slighted if I missed you, believe me I can always send many awards around another time. 😉

Here’s the part when I answer some questions for your reading pleasure!

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Random Facts

  1. I am super competitive
  2. I have an additive personality
  3. I enjoy random facts and trivia
  4. I once got stuck under a wall under water for nearly 2 minutes and no one knew I was there because I would dig holes in the sand and swim through with friends when we were kids at a lake called silver lake and I almost drowned. I finally dug enough sand away to get out.
  5. I will try any activity at least once
  6. I have a strange quirk about touchy sticky things with my hands. It seriously freaks me out, it started in college when a 2-liter soda exploded in my dorm room and we found sticky areas everywhere for weeks.
  7. I organize my closet based on color (ROY G. BIV), season, and ‘dress’ (active wear, dressy, casual).
  8. I love cartoons and anime and watch them every chance I get
  9. I enjoy scary movies but if they are too scary I tend to have to watch cartoons after to ‘erase’ the scariness it caused, who needs those nightmares or feelings that someone is in your house
  10. Sometimes my anxiety is so strong I feel like I could crawl out of my skin and I have to find something to do with myself to distract my mind, like bust a move, sing, make a strange noise for no reason, or whatever my mind or body compels me to do at the time (I know, sounds a bit ADHD, but don’t think I am, least I have not been diagnosed as such).
  11. I enjoy planning and organization and if I had the money I would do this professionally not just with trips and homes but also with my industrial and organizational degree for HR.

Now for my questions!

  1. What’s your favorite thing about blogging? My favorite thing about blogging is talking to people across the entire world and knowing the people who tune in just like on television, chose to hear me. Each time I see a place across the map light up, especially one not in my own country I secretly get all giddy and do an dance in my head that resembles the one I did outwardly that was not so smooth (though I am a pretty good dancer. Those spur of the moment silly dances don’t always come off that smooth).

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  1. Do you enjoy any other forms of artistic expression outside of your blog? Yes, I paint, crotchet, play instruments now more on my technical devices than my clarinet and keyboards, sing, write, and I would love to pick up dance again.
  2. What was your favorite book as a kid? I love you forever
  3. Have you lived in multiple neighborhoods, states or countries? Which shaped you the most? Do tell! I currently in above a complex of art Galleries in an art district which is truly expanding my artistic views and I love it. It is reestablishing my art basics and now I am fully back into and just truly appreciating it all.
  4. What’s your number one guilty pleasure food? POTATOES, I am like the bubba gump of potatoes people! I can eat/ cook them just about any way, fried, scalloped, boiled, baked, broiled, mashed, whipped, julienne, sliced, diced, I’ll eat cheese potatoes, garlic, in a boat, on a moat, I Love potatoes the MOST!
  5. What’s your spirit animal? I would have to say a fish and in specific I love the Koi fish. I have always loved water and I at one point in my life I was certified I was certified with just about everything dealing with water, lifeguard, scuba diving, swim coach, swim instructor, and so on. I just love water. It keeps me at peace. I can sit and listen to the waves lapping all day long. Storms and water just calm me.
  6. Okay, if you could time travel. When, where?! If I could time travel I would travel to 1999 to when my brother was 13. I would give him some critical advice and love that he would need to help veer his life in the right direction hopefully before it got too out of hand to the point it is at now.
  7. What’s one thing about you that your readers would never guess? I am made of up the most random things ever so many people say all the time you JUST NEVER KNOW WITH CHRIS so this one was fairly easy. Picking ONE was the hard part. Each year, I must watch the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week shows. I DVR them or watch them live but I must see them. I know all the episodes and which ones are from previous years to catch you up to the current year when they show snippets and my husband just sort of looks at me in amazement but he doesn’t say anything.
  8. What is one current issue that really moves you? Well all my readers know mental health is really important to me but another issue is children’s advocacy and hunger. I cannot stand by and watch a child go without for any reason not just because it is wrong but because I was once that child.
  9. Where do you go / what do you do when you want to feel completely relaxed? I go to a spa and get a massage and/or a place near water and just listen to water.
  10. If you could help one thing from the 90s make a comeback…So many things from the 90s are already making a comeback so that is hard, but if I had to pick one thing it would have to be it’s a tie between Planter’s cheese balls and Fruitopia. When I was younger you could always catch me with a baggie of cheese balls because my parents would buy me the cardboard and metal or the HUGE clear container that was bigger than your head and I would walk around eating them. I even took them with me on my first trip to New Jersey and spilled them while helping my cousin move into his new apartment on his new carpet, LOL. I felt like a boob because I was like 15 trying to be cool and everyone made me feel so bad for it. It was an accident and I was trying to clean it…It didn’t stain it. They did get free labor out of me geesh! With that said maybe I will pick the Fruitopia, it never got me in trouble, LOL.

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Now some instructions for my nominees:

  • Thank the person who nominated you, and link back to them.
  • List these rules somewhere in your post.
  • Name your favorite blog that is not your own with a short description.
  • Answer the questions given to you by the person who nominated you.
  • Nominate 5-11 bloggers for this lovely award, who have fewer than 200 subscribers.
  • List 11 Random Facts about yourself.
  • List 11 questions for your nominees to answer on their posts!
  • Let your nominees know you nominated them!

My questions for you to answer:

  1. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
  2. Do you have any phobias?
  3. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
  4. What is the weirdest thing you have ever done?
  5. What is the most adventurous thing you have ever done?
  6. Are you an introvert or an Extrovert?
  7. What was the last book you read?
  8. If you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?
  9. If you could spend an endless amount of money on any one thing, who/what would it be?
  10. What is your one guilty pleasure?
  11. If you could have one super power what would it be and why?

Cleaning Diaries: Part II

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Have you ever found yourself doing something you did not really want to do but you know you had an obligation to do and so you zoned out to do it? Like you completely went into autopilot mode to get it done and if someone looked you in the portals of your soul known as your eyes it would like like a reptiles when it gets close to hitting an object and that protective lens shields them.

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But suddenly there is the smell or sight of something so horrid that brings you out of that trance that you almost wretch in utter bewilderment. You think why couldn’t I be immune to the filth? But then you say because I am human and these creatures I am cleaning up behind are from some great unknown and undiscovered colony teeming with bacteria.

I mean when they asked me to clean the fridge weekly, I was glad it was during my training and my trainer was able to tell them it was not currently part of ‘our’ duties and that she could email my operations manager if they wanted that added or done on the side. The like to ask for things to be done for free constantly to see if I will do it. Moreover, instead of saying you do a great job EVER to my boss…the one time I got a complaint it was to ask if the ‘cleaning person’ had been in (which they knew they had from the trash being put out and the recycling being gone and the make-up being removed from their phones) She the says well we have had a lot dead worms by the door for a week and all they had to do was vacuum them up.

My first thought was EWWWW! Then I was like wait this was the hall that the light has been out that they refused to fix and I cannot see down. So but I refused to make excuses to my boss and I just told him I would do better next time. I asked her to please replace the lights and still did not make an excuse and she did so.

But what I really want to say again was EWW and why would you let that go that long…Then she said it was because of all the rain…Then you tell me how to do my job…but really it’s not all I had to do I do not have the tools to do all that. There is no crevice device on my vacuum which I am sure she knows and could care less. Moreover, I also have to clean your whole building and be pest control for your VERY pest infested building. Which I showed in Cleaning Diaries: Part I.

They have spiders, lady bugs, 2-3 types of beetles, millipedes, and 2-3 other types of bugs I have yet to ID. Plus a few other flying things. Some of these things are purely because the building is set near the woods but some of it is because the place is not secure (properly enclosed) and clean. If I am only there 3 days a week and people are there 5 days a week but can be there 7 days a week and leave whole sinks full of dishes, fridges of rotting food that smell up the entire floor, and open food and drinks at/ on desks every day for days it’s no wonder!

If my boss or manager cleans behind me and reprimands me I am not upset because they catch things before the business does and they are looking out for the companies best interest for repeat business and to prevent possible issues. Moreover, they want us to continue to look the best in their eyes. Furthermore, they also want make sure we are doing our jobs and they know what we should be doing, what we are capable of and how to do the jobs so I do not take offense because they do the jobs themselves. But it can definitely be hard taking criticism of any kind from a person who probably has never professionally cleaned behind ANYONE. Cleaning behind your children is not enough. You need to see and clean behind more STRANGERS to get the gravity of how this works. To truly understand why this can truly be rewarding and hard to deal with at times.

It’s rewarding because you get a glimpse into other people’s lives. You see people who are truly devoted to their families. Some to God. Some to art. You see the culture and the love they share by the care they have taken to place things just right on their desks, walls, and screensavers. They really want to have a piece of their live with them at work to keep them centered. Then you see those who just want to ‘show’ that’s who they are but do not really mean it. Then you have those who take the very neutral or plain approach and have nothing on their desk and either just want to focus or just want to e very direct and so forth. Either way it works for them. I really like to observe as I clean. You may say you shouldn’t have all this time to observe but when you do it 3 times a week for months you notice a little something each time until you see it ‘all’ at each area. You do not stand at each area and just take it in. And if you get an occasion to talk to someone for a split second then that can be just as rewarding sometimes. Many times it makes me want to take care of them that much more because you have made a connection with them.

I do enjoy cleaning though I do not always choose to do it as often as I have to do it for my part-time job, lol. At least I know it is something I can easily do and I am obviously good at it.

Anger Vs. Anxiety

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Look at the two pictures above! You may have seen the movie Pixar Movie Inside Out. It’s about emotions and internal thoughts. Well from first glances the 2 characters could be reacting the same way or the same situation. However, if you saw the movie, you would know that the character on the left is Anger, and the on right is Fear (anxiety). Each get to run certain aspects of our lives. However, you do not want any one in emotions to fully control all aspects of your life. Thankfully this has not been the case for me.

However, I have had a tough time differentiating between some of my emotions as of late. There are times that they seem to give off false senses of effects or symptoms that are very similar to those of my anxiety from the past and I have misinterpreted them. For example being so angry that my heart rate begins to beat rapidly, I start shaking, I get spots before my eyes, and may even get short of breath and begin sweating.

But I realized later that upon calming down that the shortness of breath may have been because I was either holding my breathe instead of breathing calmly instead of a panic attack. I was trying to prevent myself saying something I should not (in mot cases). Then from all the stress and reactions I usually end up with a nice size migraine later. It’s all very magical later when I see halos and feel like I have gone a few rounds with a boxer.

I am sure that my anxiety kicks in when I believe that I am having an anxiety attack; however, this is only when things have gone way too far (very rare). Yesterday for example, I became so angry it took me hours to calm down. Once I finally did I finally realized the difference between my anger and anxiety.

I believe the reason it has taken me so long to find this separation/ link it because I have never really allowed myself to openly become angry. I feel it is so taboo to become angry and to lose my cool since gaining such a handle over it in towards the end of college. I worked hard on myself then and now I am quite embarrassed when I lose my cool. So it is hard for me to come to terms with the actual triggers, ‘symptoms’, and effects of it. And of course later I feel like I have been the bad guy because it’s not like me to be this way; though I always wonder if the person who caused the anger ever feels that way?

I always wonder this as usually people who are naturally negative or angry people ever feel like I do–Super embarrassed, ashamed or remorseful for being angry or being quick to anger. I feel that anger is an easy out and one should try their best to stay cool, calm, and collected to be able to see all sides of every situation and offer valuable insights and contributions to any aspect/ situation. But I feel like the negative or angry person could care less and I just feel really bad for them and wish I could help them see this is not the answer in life because it narrows their thinking and of life.

Now I am not saying you can never become angry;  however, being angry all the time or wallowing in it is not good. One must learn to do so in a healthy way. I have learned that the way I did so yesterday was obviously not the best way. Also bottling it up is not healthy either. You can write, come back and talk about it later (once things are calmer), go to counseling (anger management), go exercise, and so on. Now that I have pinpointed that this was anger for me I am able to handle what triggered it and address it. Now I can back to joy and more varied emotions!

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The TUG of WAR

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I have been battling the biggest battle of tug of war in my life and it is all within myself. Usually we struggle with good and bad or right and wrong. However, sometimes things are not that clear cut and black and white. Sometimes they are what is right for you at that time…If you pray on it enough, it will be right for all parties eventually.

The struggle I have been having was that AT FIRST, I was finding it hard to even pray over the situation. Now I can at least find comfort in God again. This definitely makes me feel better about things. However, I am still fighting an inner struggle as I have an issue of trust between me and the relationship that is in question.

When you lose trust, you wonder if you even want allow yourself to try again with the person if they have been given many opportunities as a friend or lover and they continue to take it for granted as if you HAVE to STAY there. You start saying things like I could text them and ask them how their day was? Or ask about their family? Or ask them their plans for the weekend…Then you say well it works both ways and I have been the only one doing this before and then I got nothing. You wonder if you are being selfish, childish, teaching them a lesson, or punishing them. You wonder if you are giving trust where they do not deserve it.

Then you wonder if you give this small token and try again will they assume everything is back to normal and begin where they left off…making you feel less than what you are, disrespected, friendless, alone, lied to perhaps and a bevy of other emotions and epitaphs.

So then you ask, why would I, or anyone else have this huge tug of war and not just cut the person off? If only it were that easy. We all say it is that easy. But it is always easier said than done until it is you and it takes you longer than normal to realize it was you getting taken advantage of. When I was younger it used to take me a long time to realize it. Then I got smart and would cut people loose before either of us were really attached and therefore I never really felt a loss. However, now as I age I have found that sometimes, those that you keep in your life  longer than a season may be catfishing you.

They make you think they belong when in fact they do not. Moreover, those that are ‘supposed’ to be in your life for the long haul and grow with you can be so taxing that sometimes you still have to let them go because their growth is more like a leech. With God this growth may be harder but it should still work; however, you get people who are so negative and venomous and not ready for change that they suck all the good qualities right out of you and you struggle to get back to being the person you were and they do not know how to give anything back to YOU to help you once they have used you all up and become better for themselves.

The funny part is rarely do ‘friends’ that you must cut off ever really fight to stay in your life once you decide to cut them loose because they got everything out of you that they wanted. However, this time I guess the reason I am struggling so much is because this person is actually fighting to stay in my life. Again considering that I am not related to the person, this says a lot, but it also says that I can still cut them loose at anytime to protect me from further harm. No one deserves to feel as though they are being forced to stay in a relationship out of obligation no matter the type of relationship.

Sometimes the obligations come in the form of duties such as children if you are married, or if you are friends the fact that you have known each other since elementary school, or because they saved your life or helped you through a difficult time in your life. However, we all can outgrow someone and you do not have to stay becasue of those things. Even children. You can still make arrangements and be amicable for the the sake of the kids but live your own lives separately for happiness.

I still have not made a decision and it have been a few weeks dealing with this struggle. Obviously there are other reasons involved that I would rather not divulge at this point. However, I will say that since the trust was broken, I feel I have a right to take my time making my decision and that it’s ok for me to feel this way right now. I believe it is normal for me feel torn between wanting things to be right but not being ready to let this person back in yet since they hurt me and have not proven themselves worthy of trust yet. They have not earned it back and I do not feel ready to begin showing even small strides on the levels that I know I could do because I do not want WANT to. I just feel that is not fair to give that person what they desire when I have been lacking for so long and then as they try to give it now, it feels its only because they have screwed up and are losing me…This may not be, they may truly have learned their lesson but I need to see this change indefinitely before or at least consistently for longer than a few weeks before I make any movement on my part.

I know this sounds a bit harsh and even down right stubborn but, when you are talking about matters of the heart, one grows tired of being hurt and in and pain and will do whatever it takes to prevent it from happening again! I hope am able to get to a point of forgiveness for myself or the person for my own sanity! However, this does not mean that the person gets to ‘stay in my life’ just because I forgive them, only that I have found peace and can coincide with them amicably and move on.

 

Where has the time gone!

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I cannot believe it has been a week since I have blogged! This is so unlike me. I mean it is like me going a day without talking! It just so rarely happens you would think that I am sick. The reality is that I have been so busy that I have hardly had time to wrap my head around all the strange feelings and activities that I have been undergoing.

Let’s first talk about these activities. I have been visiting friends and family like it is going out of style in an effort to seemingly catch up on all the years I have missed from being away in college or busy with my masters for so many years. I also am trying to catch up from being ill and unable to visit and hang with people as my reason was I was in the hospital or to weak to actually be away from home or treatment more than about 1-2 hours if that.

Now that I can I have been booked or booking so much time with family and friends that I have turned ‘fun’ into another job form myself and have to slow down a bit. I feel like my bed and I need a real come to Jesus moment where we talk about some secret things that no one else understands. I mean it seems like it has been awhile since I have held the sandman hostage; which is a requirement when you have work shift disorder for over 15 years.

I have been kayaking, hanging in arcades (Dave and Busters), out drinking, playing pool, at food truck rodeos, and so much more. It has been fun but I have to make sure I don’t overdo things by spreading myself too thin in the name of fun.

Now for the crazy feelings, well I assume they are a mix of stress and just a bevy of emotion that keeps flooding me thinking about my future and reflecting on my past with MG. I mean to think I am almost at 15 weeks with no treatment is amazing and the longest I have gone ever. Then to think that when I first started with MG that I could barely hold or balance things in one hand and now I can hold them with a finger or two and I am almost back to my old strength even if not my old endurance yet as I have to build that back up. I also think about the fact that no matter where my husband and I are now in our relationship he was very supportive of me through some rough times that most people did not see or even know about. He may joke with me about it now but he was there and helped me get through it when I could only had him and my mom to share those really personal things with. I was even too embarrassed to tell my best friends back then. I am so happy for the stability and the success that has occurred in my life. I thank God daily and several times a day for all that is occurring in my life. People need to know that I may not be the most religious person but I am spiritual, grateful, and I love God even though I do not blog about Him all the time. I’m not here to sell you my God! He is yours if you want him and I feel if you like what I have and what I do you will seek him the same as I did because you see him working in my life as I saw him working in the lives of those who were happy around me!

Sometimes I even feel sad because I feel as though I am still not where I want to be, but I realize that I will get there in due time. I am progressing and that is all that matters. I know that I have put on weight again but I am healthy and stable and now since I can workout again I can get that weight back off. So that makes me happy and working out lately has been a great joy. My WOD (workout of the day) is going to be awesome today! I can’t hardly wait to get home and conquer it, who knows I may even let my husband do the workout with me if he doesn’t get in the way. I’m kind of selfish with my workouts, LMBO. I like to workout on my own then I will teach people whatever, they want on their own time (since he doesn’t already know the moves).

 

 

Aging Gracefully

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Sometimes I just sit and ponder…okay all the time, LOL. I daydream like it’s my job and one day I hope it will be. I hope I can completely convert to writing and people paying me to read about my craziness. Not here of course because I always want my blog to be free. I want people to always have some area where they can ‘easily’ access my thoughts.

Anyways, I sit and ponder aging. Sometimes it scares me to think I am aging and have yet to accomplish the things I want to in life. But then I think about all the famous and not so famous people who were well into life, well into their 30s, 40s, 50s and so on before they accomplished the fame that we know them for today. I also think about the lifespan that we have today compared to decades and centuries ago. Though no one is promised tomorrow or even the next second, I have time create these things as long as I am working toward them and not procrastinating upon them.

My great grandfather is 92 years old and acts and moves much like a 20 year old. My great aunt is in her late 60s and NOT one of my friends believes me when I say it. They looked at her picture from this weekend from a commencement ceremony for a reunion and they said she looks like she is in her late 30s or mid 40s at best. When I tell her this she laughs and says they are too kind but they are your friends, they have to say that…She has no idea…my friends can be harsh and very honest, LOL. They have properly aged many in my family and even over aged a few.

A lot of it has to do with the confidence one has too though. It is exuded in the way we walk, talk, and act daily. I learned that when my confidence is highest I could be in the worst outfit imaginable to me and yet no one notices because I feel like a million bucks and I’m happy and my skin glows and I walk like it’s a new trending outfit despite the despair of the outfit sometimes, LOL.

Sometimes a new outfit can do this, a new hairdo, or glasses, but for me I have learned that just owning your age but not looking is the new confidence. By learning to own a less stressful lifestyle and enjoying life I can have this! I want to be like the many examples I see in my family. My family and friends keep me young and I am learning to let go of my fear when it comes to aging!

Goals Goals Goals- So Excited

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I am so excited today! I won’t say everything is going my way but I will say that today is definitely an amazing day! I’m reaching goals and working toward new goals everyday.Moreover, as I reach old goals I make new ones and push toward those. Right now I just hit 12 weeks without plasma exchange treatment for myasthenia gravis again and that is my second time doing that but this time I do not feel like last time. I do not feel like I need treatment right now. Last time at this point I wanted treatment 2 weeks before this but I was just hanging on. Right now I feel like I can go another 2-4 weeks no problem. So I will. If I feel like I can go further I will, but make no mistake, I will not sacrifice NUMBERS for my health.

My next goal was to get in more exercise and I am doing this daily. I started walking more, bought a spin bike, and a fit bit. I am all over this challenge. I even started tracking my food again. Not really eating as a DIET because I still eat what I want just making sure that I do not put more in than I expend and that I get enough for what I am doing. You have to eat calories to burn them. I tend to be in starvation mode quite often, especially because I skip breakfast A LOT.

My final goals are making sure that I continue to keep my bucket list STRONG! I am still working on checking things off that list. I have travel dates set for going to Europe and I am almost to my 50 book reading goal for the year and I will be checking off a few more things as well. I am totally psyched!

Annual Bucket List: 2016

Do a local bike race- spin bike is getting me ready
get yoga mat/basic training
Visit wizarding world of Harry Potter- I will do this in London
Read 50 books — at 43 books almost done but I won’t stop there
Buy a Go Pro
Go Sky Diving
Go to a State I have not been to before
Go to 5th Cirque Du Soliel Performance- have to go out of state thanks to HB2 chaos
Paint Pottery
Throw Pottery (as in make my on pottery)
Decorate my house for fall
Decorate my house for Christmas
Take a romantic trip with my husband
Volunteer with a charity monthly
Take a culinary class
Go swimming (you would be amazed that since being diagnosed with MG I have not swam once because I have started to have fear that it would become over exterted and not be able to get out of the water….says the former lifeguard and scuba certified person)
Be sling shot (it a weird bungee course thing that looks like a giant sling shot)
Go to Canada


Master Bucket List

Write a book- In the process
Have a baby/ adopt a child
Create a Charity
Run a business
Travel overseas like a nomad (England, France, Italy, etc)- Scheduled for Sept.2016
Go to Disneyland
Go to a bioluminscent bay
Have my music music produced and perform it
Help Find a Cure for MG
Go to Alaska- see the Northern Lights
Pose for a sexy calendar

My Parents Announce Their Children

I’m proud to say that my parents have no problem saying who their kids are! Some parents would shrink from their responsibilities as parents when they find they have to bend and blend with biological parents and children who have mental disorders. Then to top it all off add some drug addiction, criminal charges, and grand mistakes and behalf of all parties except the adopted parents and I can’t even understand how they did not crumble and run away screaming. Yet, every time someone asks how many kids they have, they always say 4 proudly.

Yes, one is in prison and by a mistake of his own. They have learned not to blame themselves finally. They have learned that he had decisions to make on his own. God gave him options to make as well. He was afforded all the same opportunities as the rest of us and they took special care with him as they did with me as he and I were not their birth children but their gifts to add to the two they did birth as my parents like to say. They did everything they knew to do for him and more and still do. I am proud of them for that. They still love him and him them.

I know that as much of a pain he may caused with the trouble he has gotten himself in, they still have some good times and laughs to look back on. I just think of his crooked smile and it makes me smile. My parents always included us the same as their birth children and we saw absolutely no difference. We call them mom and dad, brother, and sister. We enjoy it and know nothing else. My brother and sister (who are actually my cousins) treated us like the younger siblings, LOL. Yes, master…anything you say master! We were also their guinea pigs for many things…food projects, games, clothes, and so on. I remember my brother making some weird eggplant dish in high school and I had to eat some…yea still haven’t eaten eggplant since (just cannot).

My parents knew they would not hurt us though and we did too. As much as they grumbled about having to babysit and watch us like any teenager, they never let anyone else harm us. They always made sure we ate and were somewhat comfortable (even if that meant under someone else).

My parents are awesome! They acknowledge my biological parents.They understand the relationship that I needed to have with them. They accepted all the craziness that came with our lives and I commend them.It was never easy and they never thought it would be. They shed tears, prayed, shed more tears, laughed, and loved. They laugh and love as much as they can because it is the key to our life. I just cannot imagine my life without them in some form and I will be taking oodles of video of these people soon. I need to have it so it can be my ‘forever!’

SENSELESS

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Staring into the emptiness

No thoughts no words no dreams in the day

Catatonic

Lips stitched together with the invisible sinew of the pharaohs

Crying out for an explanation

For something anything that makes sense

The world folds in on me in a labyrinth of contrasting light and dark

I sit blinded, unable to adjust

Wishing to get up but an anchor weighs my heart and body to its spot

The captain steers me

My head turns, my teeth appear, and my lips turn upward at the the corners

I nod my head toward someone and move my hands over a flat surface and screen

Then the captain takes me into a room and he lets water run down my face