Daydreamer dreaming about dreams
Dreaming about life
A life that has escaped her
A laugh-less house
A house void of the pitter patter of litter feet
A house that never became a home
Built on cracked glass waiting to burst into a shrapnel
Impaling and then poisoning every aspect of her life
Believing that she have nothing left to give
Nothing left do
She can’t meltdown
Crying seems an abstract thought, she is beyond that
She is angry
Days go by, weeks, months
Then she is calm, too calm
She is thinking about the hurt that was caused
The missed opportunities, past and future
She must start over
But time is not her friend and she honestly does not want to
She blames herself for everything
She finally allows the demon in
It reaps her soul and ravages her very being
So She WEPT
Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood
I have been flayed slowly one layer at a time
Each piece seemingly to happen over an eternity of tears and curses
Bleeding and praying
Watching my heart pulse, quiver, and sputter
You pull another layer away each time you open your mouth
I watch my brain synapses jump, light up, spark, crackle, and fizzle
Another layer is peeled away as you refuse to share
Finally my remaining muscles are stripped of nutrients and size as I sit waiting
Because the last layer is snatched off the bone because love is lost
I was asked the other day how I was doing and my usual response was I’m GREAT! I have been making sure that I give a better answer than good or okay. I want to give people the impression that you can be something other than the normal at any given time. But when I looked at this person and remembered they were someone who knows me a bit better than the average person and she gave me that look like really..how are you? I thought a bit more about it and said I really am amazing! I have not had a true MG episode that has hospitalized me in well over a year. My last MG hospitalization was January 2015. And it was actually due to a virus that quickly became way more in the form of an intubation and respiratory pneumonia in less than 36 hours. Truly one of the scariest moments of my life. So to think that this was the longest since having MG I have gone without hospitalization and that I can now go 3 months without treatment is really amazing.
I thought after my first few crisis moments. I would never be able to travel again or be able to have a really normal life despite what people said because I was glued to medication and treatments and hospitals. They said everyone was different and mine form of MG was so severe and did not follow anyone else’s trend that I was worried I would never have any sort of freedom. It still does not follow anyone’s trend which is still a tricky thing but it is fine because I have come to embrace that and enjoy that I still get to have a life. I am stable and happy!
Granted I still have days where I am super tired and I am definitely over-worked some days it’s just all about balance and learning limitations. When I am doing too much, my body tells me and I have to learn how to accommodate that and adjust or I suffer greatly and that can mean a huge setback that I am not willing to sacrifice. So before that can happen I will cut back on the unnecessary things. This may not mean no worries for the rest of my days but it’s as close to it as I can get!
I have learned lately that writing and Myasthenia may not always go hand and hand but the tricks to making them work are learning the advantages and capitalizing on them. I know for instance that my muscles in my fingers will fatigue and wear out on me after a bit of typing and since I have to type for work and for leisure and now for writing which is a bit of work and leisure I have to find a way around this hurdle.
So I type closer to the time just after taking medication, in the middle of the day when I am stronger, and I utilize my Dragon speech tool so I can give my fingers a break when I can and use my voice when it is stronger at times. I trade off since sometimes my voice may not always be strong.
I also have issues with vision having ptosis or droopy eyelids. This is another symptom of my Myasthenia Gravis and the strain from staring at the computer or up or just stress can cause my one or both eyelids to become heavy and droop. This is extremely annoying when you are on a roll typing. I mean I do not really need to see the keyboard all the time but sometimes it is helpful to see the screen, LOL. I also need to see the screen to make edits.
It can be a long editing day it I have ptosis, in fact I usually give up after a few minutes because the symptoms are usually only going to get worse until I can rest AND get medication.
My biggest ally in all of this is rest. This is a hard notion for me as I tend to like to burn the midnight oil when I am on a roll. If I feel like I have something going I do not want to let it go until I have completed that thought or section. But with MG, sometimes it will let me complete those thoughts and sometimes I will complete the thought and go back the next day to read it and it reads like a drunk toddler got hold of my laptop.
This is why I believe I have become more rushed and sensitive of my work. I want to get it done when I am feeling well in one sitting and have someone’s attention. Or I want to wait until I will be better in a few days/ week’s time to create a work that may have fewer errors. Granted grammar has never been my forte and I will tell anyone beforehand what my weaknesses are well BEFORE MG EVER started but when additional errors occur because of it sometimes I tend to take somethings to heart though I would never tell an editor that because I do not want them to feel sorry. I want them to do their job and I will sort out my feelings on my own! As long as they are respectful and giving me constructive criticism I will never ever fault an editor and I never have. I always get past my feelings for the improvement of the art that is my work.
So I saw an amazing video I believe from Buzz Feed that was titled Questions Black People Have For Black People the reason I loved it so much it because these are some of the very questions I have had all my life and have even blogged about many of them. I just do not understand how many black people in the black community can behave, speak, and think this way and then find fault in how black people like myself have a hard time relating to how to ‘act’ black. I act like a human and keep it moving.
Do not stereotype me and place me in your idealistic box and glue me there as if I must stay in whatever picture you have envisioned for me. That is not how my life works and will not be made to work to make/ keep anyone happy.
I just adore this post because it was done tastefully but it said it all. Are there other cultures that deal with such issues? Is so please share. I am quite interested.
SO last week I hit a writing hurdle. I struggle with dialogue. I can describe a scene in great detail like you would tell an actor or give them direction (almost like a screen play perhaps) but I am not great with creating dialogue. I know how it should go but when I have to actually write it I become to repetitive and lose vocabulary creativeness and feel muted and frustrated. I hate constantly saying he said, she said, I said, They said. etc. I see why there are more modern books that write a whole chapter from the point of view of one character, then the next chapter is from the other/ another character’s POV. It’s easier to be a bit more creative.
So when I hit this wall it made me feel a bit more unexcited about how to make my book flow naturally and I began doing more research which I must do anyway instead of keeping the true creative part and writing chunks of my book. I have begun a lateral process instead of moving forward.
Moreover, I have struggled with telling my reader the story 99% of the time instead of showing them the story. Once again it’s like you want to put people in the scene with you and not assume everyone around you knows what is going on without giving so much detail that you are boring them. You still have to leave ‘white space’ or gaps for them to feel as if there is something left for the imagination to do some work and interpret on their own. You do not want to spoon feed them that YOUR creativity in that line. This should not be hard for me as I have never had an issue with this in my poetry or blogs, but in my book I am struggling because I feel added pressure.
Is this natural? Should I have the same feeling that I have when I write poetry and blogs to accomplish the book? I get that I should write prompts and practice dialogues and scenes and such more often even if not daily but are my feelings valid? I am getting quite anxious which is anything but what I wanted to feel writing this book, it was fun and now it’s kinda not as fun.
Yesterday I posted about feedback in one’s writing career and depression. Who would have thought that the two topics would have seemed to merge into an overwhelming response of feedback of positive responses of support and information of how to’s, try this, similar experiences, internet hugs, and cheery smiles and messages to make me smile. The out pour of support was just so amazing. I was not expecting it and yet it was there.
I was offered free advice on how to creatively write better through daily prompts, and even offered some prompts (thank you ladies and gents I so appreciate it because I did not know where to begin and I truly appreciate it), I was offered free hypnosis (which I may take you up on this, lol), I was offered smiles and hugs which I take graciously because they are contagious and make me smile and feel so warm and fuzzy.
I enjoy the opportunity to share with you all because you make me feel like I am being HEARD! You care about what I have to say because you not only read it but some of you have been through it before and can relate to it. It makes my writing have a purpose. It makes my writing come to life. It does what I do everyday in life for my mother and brother, I advocate…I advocate for writers, for justice, for love for so many things, but I especially advocate for those who have health or mental health issues.
Thank you to all my followers who have shown me support especially during the last few weeks. Your support is one the reasons I have continued to flourish!
It’s amazing how people you have never met can be so much more kind than people you have known all your life. I have learned that people I have met through blogging have a common connection with you becasue of another blogger or interest and usually have gone looking for your blog through that interest. Therefore, in a way they have come looking for you. They have the option to follow you or not and to unfollow you at anytime.
Unlike facebook or twitter where people get so intimate that they feel the need becasue they see a comment box that even if they do not know you they will put the most negative comments becasue they feel they have a right because they have access to your page. Yes we have freedom of speech but these people are still human and they did not seek you out and post on your intimate pictures about your intimate events negative things.
Some people feel like you shouldn’t post about them, but you have the right to post what you wish without feeling as if someone is going to attack you because they are immature and ignorant. This is what I like about wordpress and why I actually do not let every post of mine automatically post to my facebook or twitter. People who you are familiar with tend to be some of the most harsh and critical people. They also be the most in your business and negative people you could have ever met which is pretty sad. They make you feel guilty and ashamed for having issues of any type. Moreover, they also seem to never be happy for you when you are happy but are the first ones to offer ‘help’ when you are down…seems a bit backwards to me. Where is the friendship all the time. I don’t mean 24/7 but in all types of situations, good, bad, and everything in between. I know we can’t comment on everything but geesh only coming around when I’m sad is strange (which on my fb I rarely even post a sad post).
They have no empathy until something is happening to them. I never realized how badly friends and family can really make you feel…but thankfully I other friends and family that make up for the ones who are negative. I also have those strangers and followers on my blog who combined show more support and empathy than I could have ever thought possible when I have been going through the darkest times of my life in the last 3 years.
People are interesting characters!
I have to admit that for me this is unnatural but very real. I am struggling with depression. I usually have a down time for about a day and shake it off but I can honestly say it has stuck for longer than that this time. It’s starting to affect my perception of how I see things. I am seeing the down side of things constantly. I am seeing the negative picture.
Where is the beautiful flower? All I see is the missing aspects of it! I’m longing for every moment of distraction, my book writing, my games, my reading, talking to my friends, because the problems that are there are not being fixed and not fast enough. They are not even really beginning to be fixed because I’m stuck in a constant state of anxiety. I’m constantly waiting for the next screw up since that is all that appears to happen and all I have seen in the past.
As a person who is used to showing grace and mercy often, this is causing me great cognitive dissonance, but the trending information I have received from the situation has caused me so much distress I can’t help but feel this anxiety and depression now. Moreover, I have lost faith because there has been little to no attempt to show habitual change, compromise, and effort to reduce my anxiety from the parties involved.
The biggest problem is that I believe I have already dealt with/ stayed too long in the situation letting it reach the apex where I have become someone I don’t like being, a person I used to be. Now I have agreed to try longer at least 3 more months to see if this can be resolved yet have no idea if I can control my emotions or actions long enough to even be be fair (not that anyone would fault me if I was not).
I will be speaking to my therapist about this today but I believe I have a good idea of what she will say about this…
It was the most unusual feeling to me and I looked forward to it more than most people would look forward to the unknown. I guess I enjoy the thought of of what could be and the fun of how it could alter my life for the better. I was excited and could hardly believe the day was here last Friday. When the time came for it I could hardly believe that there was not some force in my way trying to stop me…of course there was but I was determined to beat it.
I got to the office and my therapist looked as if she had been crying or rubbing her eyes nonstop. She seemed to me as if she was the one that may have needed therapy that day. I was watching her to see if she would wipe her eyes, but no.However, she was fidgeting a bit it seemed.
She came in and seemed to completely change her whole demeanor and take a deep breathe and get to business. I liked it. Though I knew she could tell I was observing her she also knew that I was there for a service and that we were not there to be ‘friends’ but to be a client/ patient relationship that may be friendly. This is one line unlike my personal trainer relationship, I did not want to alter or blur.
So I when she began the session we talked about the ‘other’ therapist and he not so professional tactics and then a bit more of background and then what goals we had for my future before starting my hypnosis session.
Then she had me switch to the recliner and turned on my recorder so I could listen to this as a reaffirming message before bed each day for the next month. I closed my eyes and her voice became a firm melodic tone that narrated my journey into the multifaceted layers of my unconscious. At first I panicked. When she said find your happy place I was like well duh, it’s always the beach or someplace with water, but then, I panicked because as she continued to describe how I should feel in this place (the sun on face and so forth) I LOST IT. I was upset because I could no longer feel the sun or imagine it or anything. I was upset. I panicked because I felt like she was still going on this journey without me. I was totally starting to unravel.
Then I was like focus! She just said that your mind may wonder and that’s ok. PHEW. SO! Then I was like keep listening to her voice and breathe. Then she continued and would say calming things that helped me relax even more and counting at times explaining how sometimes it would take me 100-fold deeper into relaxation or to that effect. Or using symbolization saying a taking a yard stick where 36 is the highest level slide down to 1 and be to sink further into your subconscious. Or even I say 10 you will be on the bottom step…and so on.
Each time I would feel myself slip deeper into a ‘sleep’ but not sleep like I was sleeping just like when you sleep in a dream (almost like the movie inception). My limbs felt heavier and I did not want to lift them, the first time it happened when in her office I was unsure if I could lift them…but at home I realized that I could (I just really did not want to that deep in my sub/unconsciousness). Your limbs may or may not tingle…mine did but not tingle like they were numb but tingle like they you could feel the blood rushing through the your hands and feet like a light throbbing or heartbeat pulsing in those areas but not painful.
She stuck in words of affirmation in the hypnosis to help me become more confident in ‘speaking’ to my stress and anxiety. Telling it to go away and and how to control it. It ended with her counting me out of the hypnosis or having the option to go straight into a deeper sleep (actual sleep). I have enjoyed it thus far. However, the big drawback to hypnosis is that even though I am learning to apply it sub/unconsciously, I am only 3 days in. When some things happen right now I am still going to LOSE IT. For example, when your husband pulls stunts that he KNOWS triggers your anxiety and then he gets caught for it…I’m not sure that even if I was a master in Hypnosis I would be able to handle somethings as easily but seriously, let me not me a wee babe in ti training when ya act like dweeb!