Strangers vs. Familiars: Horray for Strangers

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It’s amazing how people you have never met can be so much more kind than people you have known all your life. I have learned that people I have met through blogging have a common connection with you becasue of another blogger or interest and usually have gone looking for your blog through that interest. Therefore, in a way they have come looking for you. They have the option to follow you or not and to unfollow you at anytime.

Unlike facebook or twitter where people get so intimate that they feel the need becasue they see a comment box that even if they do not know you they will put the most negative comments becasue they feel they have a right because they have access to your page. Yes we have freedom of speech but these people are still human and they did not seek you out and post on your intimate pictures about your intimate events negative things.

Some people feel like you shouldn’t post about them, but you have the right to post what you wish without feeling as if someone is going to attack you because they are immature and ignorant. This is what I like about wordpress and why I actually do not let every post of mine automatically post to my facebook or twitter. People who you are familiar with tend to be some of the most harsh and critical people. They also be the most in your business and negative people you could have ever met which is pretty sad. They make you feel guilty and ashamed for having issues of any type. Moreover, they also seem to never be happy for you when you are happy but are the first ones to offer ‘help’ when you are down…seems a bit backwards to me. Where is the friendship all the time. I don’t mean 24/7 but in all types of situations, good, bad, and everything in between. I know we can’t comment on everything but geesh only coming around when I’m sad is strange (which on my fb I rarely even post a sad post).

They have no empathy until something is happening to them. I never realized how badly friends and family can really make you feel…but thankfully I other friends and family that make up for the ones who are negative. I also have those strangers and followers on my blog who combined show more support and empathy than I could have ever thought possible when I have been going through the darkest times of my life in the last 3 years.

People are interesting characters!

Depression is ALIVE

I have to admit that for me this is unnatural but very real. I am struggling with depression. I usually have a down time for about a day and shake it off but I can honestly say it has stuck for longer than that this time. It’s starting to affect my perception of how I see things. I am seeing the down side of things constantly. I am seeing the negative picture.

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Where is the beautiful flower? All I see is the missing aspects of it! I’m longing for every moment of distraction, my book writing, my games, my reading, talking to my friends, because the problems that are there are not being fixed and not fast enough. They are not even really beginning to be fixed because I’m stuck in a constant state of anxiety. I’m constantly waiting for the next screw up since that is all that appears to happen and all I have seen in the past.

As a person who is used to showing grace and mercy often, this is causing me great cognitive dissonance, but the trending information I have received from the situation has caused me so much distress I can’t help but feel this anxiety and depression now. Moreover, I have lost faith because there has been little to no attempt to show habitual change, compromise, and effort to reduce my anxiety from the parties involved.

The biggest problem is that I believe I have already dealt with/ stayed too long in the situation letting it reach the apex where I have become someone I don’t like being, a person I used to be. Now I have agreed to try longer at least 3 more months to see if this can be resolved yet  have no idea if I can control my emotions or actions long enough to even be be fair (not that anyone would fault me if I was not).

I will be speaking to my therapist about this today but I believe I have a good idea of what she will say about this…

Hypnosis…I like it!

It was the most unusual feeling to me and I looked forward to it more than most people would look forward to the unknown. I guess I enjoy the thought of of what could be and the fun of how it could alter my life for the better. I was excited and could hardly believe the day was here last Friday. When the time came for it I could hardly believe that there was not some force in my way trying to stop me…of course there was but I was determined to beat it.

I got to the office and my therapist looked as if she had been crying or rubbing her eyes nonstop. She seemed to me as if she was the one that may have needed therapy that day. I was watching her to see if she would wipe her eyes, but no.However, she was fidgeting a bit it seemed.

She came in and seemed to completely change her whole demeanor and take a deep breathe and get to business. I liked it. Though I knew she could tell I was observing her she also knew that I was there for a service and that we were not there to be ‘friends’ but to be a client/ patient relationship that may be friendly. This is one line unlike my personal trainer relationship, I did not want to alter or blur.

So I when she began the session we talked about the ‘other’ therapist and he not so professional tactics and then a bit more of background and then what goals we had for my future before starting my hypnosis session.

Then she had me switch to the recliner and turned on my recorder so I could listen to this as a reaffirming message before bed each day for the next month. I closed my eyes and her voice became a firm melodic tone that narrated my journey into the multifaceted layers of my unconscious. At first I panicked. When she said find your happy place I was like well duh, it’s always the beach or someplace with water, but then, I panicked because as she continued to describe how I should feel in this place (the sun on face and so forth) I LOST IT. I was upset because I could no longer feel the sun or imagine it or anything. I was upset. I panicked because I felt like she was still going on this journey without me. I was totally starting to unravel.

Then I was like focus! She just said that your mind may wonder and that’s ok. PHEW. SO! Then I was like keep listening to her voice and breathe. Then she continued and would say calming things that helped me relax even more and counting at times explaining how sometimes it would take me 100-fold deeper into relaxation or to that effect. Or using symbolization saying a taking a yard stick where 36 is the highest level slide down to 1 and be to sink further into your subconscious. Or even I say 10 you will be on the bottom step…and so on.

Each time I would feel myself slip deeper into a ‘sleep’ but not sleep like I was sleeping just like when you sleep in a dream (almost like the movie inception). My limbs felt heavier and I did not want to lift them, the first time it happened when in her office I was unsure if I could lift them…but at home I realized that I could (I just really did not want to that deep in my sub/unconsciousness). Your limbs may or may not tingle…mine did but not tingle like they were numb but tingle like they you could feel the blood rushing through the your hands and feet like a light throbbing or heartbeat pulsing in those areas but not painful.

She stuck in words of affirmation in the hypnosis to help me become more confident in ‘speaking’ to my stress and anxiety. Telling it to go away and and how to control it. It ended with her counting me out of the hypnosis or having the option to go straight into a deeper sleep (actual sleep). I have enjoyed it thus far. However, the big drawback to hypnosis is that even though I am learning to apply it sub/unconsciously, I am only 3 days in. When some things happen right now I am still going to LOSE IT. For example, when your husband pulls stunts that he KNOWS triggers your anxiety and then he gets caught for it…I’m not sure that even if I was a master in Hypnosis I would be able to handle somethings as easily but seriously, let me not me a wee babe in ti training when ya act like  dweeb!

 

Tired is as Tired Does!

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I have a friend who keeps reminding me that the reason I am tired is because I have not slowed down to rest and I keep going non-stop. I think to myself…DERH! I know this, I am sure it’s written all over my face in bold permanent marker that refuses to go away. The sad part is that I do not have much of a choice. For some reason, when I am not as busy in one aspect of my life other aspects decide they want to pick of the ‘slack’ and require that I become busy.

Example, I get a day of rest coming up on the calendar that I have been looking forward to for weeks because I have taken it off or because it is a holiday and somehow everyone I know wants to schedule something with me that day. I feel bad because I am not as social as I once was because of school in the past, now work, and MG. Most days I can push through the MG, rest is still very important. So when I can get it I try so that I do not land myself in the hospital or rack up unnecessary treatments when I can save my veins and PAIN from the treatments. They are not that pleasant. Moreover, they also require TIME. Something I already have little of. So if I get run down then I have to add in treatments and then figure out when I have time for them which actually makes me busier.

I also try to take on things I enjoy too and yes eustress (good stress) is still stress. Your body still becomes tired after it. Even after the great adrenaline rush that occurs and all the positive benefits, you still ‘crash’ afterwards become tired afterwards. Your body has to recover.

Sometimes the best way for me to prepare for such days are to take more than one day off; one to hang out with 1 or more people and then next to actually rest. It sounds crazy but I have got to rest sometimes. I work more than 50 hours every week. Sometimes I just have to do the low key things like eating out (eating the healthier options when I can) or doing an art class (I love all types of art so it doesn’t really matter).

When I get too tired…I just hide. I stop calling people and go to work and home and forget people exist. It’s not intentional anymore. It’s a coping mechanism I developed in undergrad when I wanted to be left alone by those I dated and it spread to all relationships over time. It developed into a habit now and I seem like a hermit when I am really stressed. No one hears from me and I do not always realize I am doing this until one of my best friends/or parents texts or calls me and says they have not heard from me in a while. It’s sad but true. I don’t mean to push anyone away but I just get focused on getting things done and then getting home as quickly as possible to relax because that is all I have the energy for until I can create more time. So I sustain this behavior until someone snaps me out of it and I try to rearrange things/ re-access if I am actually still busy or actually on autopilot!

It’s crazy how focused and habitual we can become!

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Mental Relief…

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So I went to my appointment with the first therapist last week and as I said she was not great, check my post last week about it, the good and bad of therapy. No she was not the first therapist I have ever had in my life so I have basis for comparison. However, she is  actually going to be a therapist for my husband and therefore asked that I come in and give background information because there was so much conflict. My husband and I agreed this was okay. So I did, but I definitely did not like this therapist for myself and needed to quickly find one for myself and one for us to both go to once the timing was right in a a couple of weeks to try to do a session together to hash out or issues.

We decided that he had other issues outside of the marriage he would continue to see her for so he needs her for that and I need my own therapist for the same reason but we will get a third therapist for marital counseling too. WE figure this will help us grow stronger but also to prevent he or myself from feeling as though any particular therapist we already have a ‘relationship’ with is taking sides.

I believe I have chosen that person but we will see. So far he enjoys the therapist I did not like…I do not want us to go to long individualized because as each marital counselor has stated and as I already knew from getting a degree in psychology going to long apart in therapy could cause us to grow apart naturally in our marriage where there is already conflict.

I do believe that with therapy it is possible for us to fix our relationship issues but only if each of us are willing to make changes and sacrifices. Mine will likely come in the form of giving up power while his will likely come in the form of needing to learn how to take on responsibility. It is something I am uncomfortable doing when I feel I cannot trust giving up power and it going the right way. It does not have to go my way as long as it WORKS. I need to see organization, plans, a system to know that things will happen. Too many times I have tried to trust that this will be the case and then at the final hour, minute, second realized, there was nothing and I have to scoop up everything and do it myself…(that’s if I let it get that far without my plan b already planned to the 9’s style).

On the plus side, in addition to finishing up with his dr. this week. I get to see my doctor and have my first hypnotherapy session and I am excited. I can hardly wait and I plan to incorporate it into either my morning routine or my bedtime routine as part of my meditation. I am just thrilled!

The Audacity…{Part 1}- Funny Moments

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So recently a string of funny moments have been occurring to me that I just must share. How they happen to me at the times that they do I do not even begin to know.

The first one was in passing a bus the other night that had strange animal eyes on the side of if by the name of their mascot I’m assuming called the bearcats. WHAT THE HECK IS A BEARCAT. I mean did they really just run out of scary animals…this animal is seemed made up to me until i researched it. At first I was like it is like the bearillas and mebras we hear about in the wild or jackalopes even, LOL.

Then I found out that the reason I have never heard of it is because the GEEK in me studied animals by their proper names and I remembered something about about a bin…something and looked it up and seeing sports teams and bearcat sparked something and found the durn thing. It’s called a Binturong it’s like a panda. Which I love pandas which is why I remember the proper name (again geek). But they are more docile which made me wonder why a team would want a mascot after them…I guess they are skillful but not very athletic, LOL.

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My parents actually have a full set of encyclopedia’s in their house that I actually use to go through when I was little and geography books (when you get grounded and love to learn it’s not really punishment parents, maybe you should have taken my books away then I would have stopped the first time around, LMBO).


 

My next funny moment came while I was at work listening to my music and cleaning. I was in the zone. I was on autopilot and totally jamming out with my bluetooth headphones in. Then comes a call. I was like man, i should ignore it but it could be important so I took a peek. It was a number I did not recognize and I said well I am working and I need to get this done quickly so I can get home and sleep…But It could be my friend for our outing this weekend…so I called it back….

The person immediately sounded like a recording when answering because she did not even breathe she launched right into her spill:

“Thank you for calling back my name is….with mortgages at an all time ….” I was like huh wait whoa…she was like do you own a home. I was like no I have an apartment I rent and do not call me again. GEESH. She messed up my whole vibe cold calling me and did not even have her facts straight. How she got my number and thought that was ok was beyond me. Most people do not own a home yet and she pulled that at 7:30pm when people would be finishing dinner and putting children to bed if they had any getting ready for bed themselves if they weren’t working 2 jobs, LOL. I fumed about that for about 5 more minutes thinking about calling her back and giving her a piece of my mind. I had to turn my music way up to get back into what I was doing before she cost me my sanity…silly woman.

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My third moment came when I probably seemed like I could care less yesterday but that wasn’t the case I was just tired and like mothers and people who are used to someone who requires a great deal of energy you only respond to the emergencies, LOL. SOOOO when he screamed in the kitchen instead of rushing in there I yelled in there and asked if he was ok like any sane person who put a capable adult or older person in charge of bacon and eggs in a kitchen would do, LMBO. I only asked him to get me a drink and he should have been done cooking but maybe a dish was still hot and he may have burned himself slightly. He responded back saying he was ok but was still yelping, so I yelled back do you need first aid. Again, I was dog tired, I had been up since 4am and running on 90 minutes of sleep from the night before and it was 9:30pm. He says manages a garbled no.

He comes hobbling minutes later into the room after I thought that perhaps he went and bought and cultivated the sugar cane fields in which he was making my drink. He tells me of how he went to open the freezer and piece of ice magically flies (and I’m thinking like superman) and spears him in the bed of his toenail (hitting him like kryptonite) and crippling him (seemingly forever) which is why he was in pain. I tell him he will be ok I was thinking he got burned I say. He says we thanks sarcastically. Then I say well be glad I cared if you were hurt, LOL. He says I am honest, and I knew he meant it but he tried to milk this ice knife injury for all it was worth sliding his foot down the hall like it was bleeding and would fall off if you looked at it. I’m telling you I was holding back my laughter so hard I was shedding real tears and gave myself a durn headache. I had to hold it back though because with my husband if I didn’t he would be in the first aid bin I have and wrapping his injury like it did bleed wasting my supplies coming out like a mummy looking oh so special. I swear I need to find a locking bin for my first aid supplies the way he goes through them because I have top grade things and a bin that is 2×3 feet because of the medical things I go through and do and have done over the years and he goes through it like it’s water. It is not cheap! This is not dress up, LOL. Men and their sickness and injuries!

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About Last Night Though…

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Have you ever been so tired AND sleepy (becasue the two are not the same thing) that you know you should not be allowed to operate heavy machinery and this includes things like the door, a fork, and especially your phone!

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My lord you would have thought I took some prescription pain pills last night the way I was giggling and carrying on. My husband was like I thought you kicked me out to go to bed but here you are still up and playing on your phone and then I give him a sheepish grin and he instantly whips out his phone to check snap chat to see if I did something stupid, LOL. Then when he is relieved there, he snatches my phone and starts reading because he knows I was talking about him and dies laughing because his suspicions were right and me and a friend were having a nonsense conversation about silliness that he and his brothers/ friends would probably engage in all based from a snap chat comment she made earlier in the day.

I mean we were both tired and the snap chat conversation sounded like  were both high on laughing gas and both trying to have intelligent conversation but failing horribly. My husband looked at the messages and was like REALLY you seriously envision me and friends doing these things eh? I said I don’t know why that would have popped in my head it just did, LOL. Would it have popped in my head if I wasn’t so sleepy (most of it no) but last night my sanity was stripped raw and the ‘in’ was peeking out. I have no words for it and I didn’t apologize because it was funny and no harm. Not to mention karma was my best friend as I only got 90 minutes of sleep after all that and had to get up at 4am. I was so tired but sleep just would not come.

Our conversations went from nip slips to horrible bosses 1 and the playground incident to kindergartners having 5 0′ clock shadows and deeper voices than most men and most everything in between. I have no idea how it all happened. Moreover, as my husband ran around trying to clean the house and wash his clothes he just kept shaking his head because I kept giggling and being silly. I am not sure if it was all as funny as I was making it out to be, if I needed the laugh, if I was that tired, or a combination of all the above, but last night was quite interesting, I hope I get more sleep tonight

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…Otherwise opening tomorrow (getting up at 4am) again is going to take a prayer that much like the one this morning:

Lord,

I thank you for waking this morning…(inner thought-though I could have used more sleep)

I am thankful for seeing another day and for you starting me on my way

But really…I need this body to get some act rite today! Cus being at work today looking like who dun it why so sleepy I can barely play it off is a shame!

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I’m nauseous and my eyes are swollen and head tryna hurt b/c I’m sleepy and tired!  (SIDE  SELF SHOUTING–Get yo life body! Cus I do not believe this is what God is sayin to you this morning!)

And if I trip ova, run into, or drop one MO THANG, we gone turn this thing around and call in sick! Cus we ain’t gon make it thru this day! I just don’t see it working out for me or these poor clients safey!

Cus you still workin on me and er um…

In your holy and righteous name (see can’t even pray right)

AMEN!

 

The Good and the Bad of Therapy

So when you need to talk to someone, you really need to talk to someone. I went to therapy and having been someone who has been to therapy before I know what it feels like to have a great release and to feel unloaded and feel free and how it feels to still feel unresolved or even downtrodden. Yesterday I left the therapist’s office feeling a feeling like the latter. I guess it was more because she was giving me a kudos like I was ‘brave for coming to therapy’ which I see no stigma toward. Moreover, having been told about my high anxiety before dealing with acceptance and the need to satisfy others and so forth, it was weird to see that she was unable to pick up on certain things.

I was did not expect her to dig through my past or past files but to see me as I am now. However, when someone specifically asks you about a certain situation and what brings you in there then tells you that ALL your issues must and basically CAN only be related to that it is a bit annoying. I mean since you did not look into my past you probably should not try to diagnose me then. The words use were you only talked about issues regarding this situation…and my response was um yea because you only asked about that. I could go on in detail about other aspects of my life but that is not why we are here. That is not what is sending me over the top causing my anxiety to peak. That is not what is making me stutter why trying to understand how you could be so blind.

Moreover, I am still in shock (reflecting upon my own personality evaluations over the years for school and fun) how I have gone from other type and models to a dang near full blown type A personality. I feel it is directly related to the current situation in which I am sitting in this office yet we have not really touched this and I know this is only the first session and there is only 45 min in which to speak but gosh.

I will say that as someone who has studied psychology for many years and greatly enjoys it, I was a bit dejected! I will not say I know more than her by far because I am not versed in her modality but I do know how to use the DSM manual and when she pulled it out to try and diagnose me after 45 min I was not thrilled. Moreover, only to say that I had both anxiety and depression due to my issue. I guess it seems logical and I can accept it but I have always hated accepting depression because I am such a cheery person so when something or someone changes that it actually PISSES ME OFF. She tried rattling off the signs/ symptoms of what put me in the category of each but I did not need her to do either and stopped her (not trying to be rude, of course) but I knew that manual inside and out. I studied it too. Though news ones come out often we all know the newest ones, the new highlights, and the most common diagnoses. I was dejected because I accept anxiety but every time I was told I had depression it was so short lived no one even bothered to really ‘say’ it because it would be gone in 10 seconds. I just do not hold on to it. But she believes I have been so for several months of and on and that I have been ignoring it.

Furthermore, she also was like I commend you for finding ways to treat/ reward yourself. I appreciated her trying in hindsight for all the kudos…but at the time it seemed for much like she was giving praise to a child who drew a crayon drawing all outside the lines but you still like the drawing because they tried.

She kept reassuring me that it was good that I listened to her advice about matching up my therapists for the other things I needed that she does not cover that are more specialized and that she can be brought in on and that this was also brave. Again I felt like that child and felt that this was not just my responsibility as I am not the only person in this but I digress on that for now.

I will say that being overwhelmed I am in a world of hurt and confusion and honestly though I knew I probably would not get a full release yesterday, I did expect to feel some sort of weight lifted yesterday where there was none. I guess the only weight lifted was the one last week where I felt I found the therapist. Maybe, things will change when I see my other therapist/ hypnotist on Thursday. She will be my full-time therapist anyway. Maybe that connection will be better. I pray so.

 

Moving at Light Speed…

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There are times I swear I should probably sit down and take a breather, but I feel like as soon as I do, I would pass out and never wake up. I’m totally not with the whole comatose lifestyle. I sometimes feel like you can rest when you die moments. I would rather get it all done when I am able because I know that as soon as I sit some days, it truly is over. I sit down or lay down and I honestly cannot get back up. It takes so much effort tears involuntarily come to my eyes and I suck them back up trying to figure out where they came from. You get back in there now!

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It’s just not allowed! Then I find a way to treat/ reward myself for my hard work sometimes. I have had to remember to start doing that becasue I work hard and forgetting to do this is just WRONG! I know I have a bog trip planned later in the year but not having down time and little rewards along the way greatly pain me throughout this journey.

SO I do things like give myself a day of reading, buy a sewing machine (which I recently did) and enjoy movies. I personally bought the sewing machine for several reasons, to give my hands a break from fixing my work pants all the time as they rip at the seams and my poor fingers get so tired that I struggle to type for the rest of the day sometimes longer. Then I want to go back to creating projects and such like I use to do, pillows, blankets, and other little things. I get to experiment a bit too because I have never had a sewing machine and so I get to buy fabric and play with patterns and it has a few luxuries like a foot pedal and everything for a portable little sewing machine. I’m pretty excited. It was what I bought for myself from some of the bday money my brother and sis n’ law gave me.

I also hang with my friends. This is my biggest reward. I know that is still a constant way to be out and about instead of just sitting still but it gives me great pleasure to hang with them, talk, and hear about someone else’s achievements, issues, and so on.  I have to get out of my own head and world sometimes. Sometimes moving at the speed of light is the only way that works for me! I will crash later!

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Chains and Whips Excite Me, But flyswatters Are EVIL

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A few months ago I was at my mom’s house and one of the funniest and weirdest moments ever happened. I was standing in the kitchen when my cell phone started ringing. My ring tone at the time was Rhianna’s S&M. The music was loud, my mom and dad who are now senior citizen, learned the song probably from my ringtone, were singing and humming it as reached for it dancing and singing.

I thought to myself how strange a scene it was probably for most people to have their parents not only hear such a song but to sing the song and laugh at it. My mom was like you are a pervert and laughed. My sister and brother who was just in the other room made a comment to the effect of she would (she meaning me). They have always been in awe of how I managed to bring my parents into more modern ways and ‘break’ down their barriers. But it’s not so much that as it is the same with all older parents and the youngest child(ren) the parents are tired. They give up/in they just say screw it and go with the flow. That child is going to be them and they are going to love them so why fight so hard knowing that they have older siblings to help guide them if they get too crazy, LOL. It’s true, my parents did an AMAZING job with them so any possible faults there may have been with me I know to look to them to get something right for myself, though my sister says she ain’t seen that day quite yet, LMBO. I told her it has happened at least once with each sibling and they just don’t know it but I do! They need only ask and I would reveal it.

Anyways, back to S&M! We are all dancing and humming about chains and whips exciting me and me liking it as some random caller rings me. THEN I glance to my left and see IT. The orangish/reddish/pinkish (it seemed to change color depending on my mood or perhaps the day) butterfly shaped fly swatter. It had butterfly shapes within it as well. It sent me into a slow motion daze which seemed to go on for like 15 minutes but in actuality probably only last 3 seconds.

In that time I thought about the my not so graceful and honest moments as a child and pre-teen. I may not have had many but you did not need many where that butterfly weapon was involved. It may not have been the same because it was not cracked in the middle of it’s spine when it was broken over my limbs that looked like they had been seizing like an electrified animation. But it was the same brand from the same store. My hives began to throb and I almost imagine they were the same butterfly shaped welts that would develop later to remind me liars deserved to be popped. It stung more than anything but you learned not be anywhere near the kitchen when you lied. If she had nothing at least you had to go to your room for her to cool off and maybe you would get grounded. But that stupid butterfly of doom. I mean you always thought butterflies were peaceful like rainbows and unicorns…but not me…I don’t go flitting about after butterflies.

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I literally flinch every time they come near me in parks and such and my husband laughs. I never realized it until the day with this ring tone. I will watch them from a distance and think pretty but I rather watch a bird. Butterflies are tricksy

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When time sped back up I shuddered and thought, sticks and stones make break my bones, but chains and whips excite me, but BUTTERFLY SHAPED FLYSWATTERS ARE EVIL!