Radio Silence

Yesterday was the first day since I began blogging that I have missed a day of blogging. It was intentional. I felt I needed to have a true day of reflection for myself. I had to retreat into myself in preparation for a day that was very emotional. To give you a reminder I visited my brother in prison that I have not seen in about 4 years who is in prison. I always feel like I am in a dream state when I go there. Everything seems so surreal. All the thoughts in my head are of the past and how things were. The good, the bad, and what could have been. Then it my thoughts flutter to when he could get out.

I know where my headspace will be when I go there and when I leave there. I know that I no matter how tough I am that I will cry. I will break down. I will be agitated because I cannot fully express that I am so hurt that I am not wanting to have to visit someone inside a prison (though I want to visit him I wish he were not in there). I do not want to carry on a conversation. I do not want another person being negative near me. I do not want more bad things happening. Moreover, I cannot hear the bellyaching of others either.

My visit to the facility itself was horrible but my visit with my brother was the best thing ever and trumped anything I could have ever had. It outweighed the humiliation of the facility not having their dress code online. They told me to wear jeans and a t-shirt before coming which I did when I specifically asked about it on the phone before coming but said nothing about my underwire bra…I had to cut this out of a an expensive bra…Moreover, with MG my hands and fingers were weak and I struggled for over 15 minutes to get this out in the bathroom and had to hand that with the scissors over to the officer. My husband could not understand my humiliation.

Then they announced that we would only get to have a ½ hour meeting with our family members which was unfair to me as I drove over 7 hours to see my brother. They said it was because so many people were there to see family before the holiday and on Thursday (being Thanksgiving) no one would be able to visit family. I secretly wished everyone else would go home as they lived nearby so I could get the full 90 minutes. It was not fair is what I kept screaming in my head. I seriously felt like crying right then but sucked it up. I was the second person to go in. I wish I had known that the 90 minutes could be shortened without notice by something like this. I only knew it could happen based on if more than 60 people showed…there were only 20 ish he announced. So I was a bit disappointed.

Then I got in.

When I finally saw him he burst into a beautiful smile. He was the best thing I ever saw in my life. I was so happy. We had the best visit ever. I have seen him on the inside a few times and this was the best one because he was happy, talkative and seemed more free in this time than he has since I have ever seen him. The first time I saw him he kept his hands in his lap together because he was so used to being cuffed he said. This time he was singing (literally), laughing the whole time, healthy, and full of himself which I am quite use to! He was his old self minus the negative side. He was my brother past the jumpsuit, the window, the gate behind him, the phones, the glass, walls, or anything else.

We talked about the past, the things he needed, and when I would be back. It was great.

Then the harsh reality came…the part that I dreaded even before I pla

Bittersweet Disappointment


So the hug of a lifetime will not happen, I was lied to by a person who either was completely an idiot, a person who does not like my brother, or a person who was to busy to care. Either way they have to know as humans on the outside looking in we still care about the ones who are being held within their facilities. The ones society has forgotten about.

After calling the facility I heard a lot of different visitation times. However, I wanted to be sure I had the most up to date times for my brother considering that I would be traveling several hours and only there for a few short days. I also wanted to be sure that I could maximize my time while there.

However after writing such a post about the hug of a lifetime. I looked on the facility’s website and compared the times the guard gave me as I began finalizing my itinerary for my trip so I could tell my husband that we had to rearrange some things or cut something out and something struck me as odd. The times the guard gave me were NO WHERE on the site. I mean not even remotely. The guard tried to give me two 1/2 truths which is what tipped me that something was off while looking on the website which was the alternate dates for non contact visits and that he could only have one visit per month. This information was somewhat right and this is what made me investigate his information closer because it did not pair with the other visitation days. He was grasping male or female for any time of year. So where he got those times I ave no idea because there is no registration for that time and those times have been in effect for over a year.

I thought it was very strange. SO I called back the next day. Though I did not want to because that guard had to me I could have huge hug for my brother and it worked so well with my schedule (Man the Devil really knew how to play with your heart!) but I called anyway. I was so glad I did. I would have been even more upset had I got all the way up there and been turned away and not able to see him when this was part one of two reasons for the location of the whole vacation in the first place. I called twice that next day. Both times (by two different guards) they confirmed the correct times seen on the website and the gave me the registration time for him which was not on the website and additional info which was not on the website.

I was appreciative because I can still see him; however, I am pissed that the first guard would do such a thing. After confirming who the person was I wanted to visit. I wish I had gotten his name, but I know from now on to get anyone’s name dealing when dealing with my brother before I even say his name and then that way before they think about being dishonest because they do not know what I will be asking they will remember I have their name and can report them.

I will not let this take my joy, but I will not lie in saying it did sting a bit!