I am proud of all that I have accomplished! I know that seems very obtuse but sometimes I feel that I do not reflect enough and I get stuck on feelings of “i never will get anywhere or I still haven’t done this or that”. Then I have to remember that I have done so much already in my 30 short years. I have earned 2 masters degrees in that time while simultaneously holding a full-time job. Yea many people may do this but I did it too. I have had many adventures and traveled out of the country twice to 3 places. I am scuba certified. I enjoy the great depths of the ocean and the highest dwellings of the sky while bungee jumping and the like. I love adrenaline rushes. I have been to many odd places that are out of the ordinary just to say I have done it. I have also tried odd jobs and enjoyed them. This includes all the sports I participated in, the fine arts, and so on! I am most proud of those things and will continue to remember that I have accomplished a lot and have way more to accomplish which is why I am making annual bucket list now. Life is too short to be stagnant, bored, and hermit like! You must enjoy it and reflect on those memories and say you have something to be proud of and I am!
I have struggled constantly with pride and confidence while dealing with Myasthenia. I did not use to think it was pride but it most of it boils down to pride. I find that being so healthy and independent and now having to let people know when I may not feel well or calling doctors constantly is not my style. I am use to being spontaneous. I am use to ripping and running and if I forgot a meal or if I worked through thee night on an assignment, ‘oh well’. I could go for days on 1 night’s sleep, some junk food if I needed to (though I eat pretty healthy), and still make it to work on time. I have always worked a varied shift instead of a regular 8-5 as well.
However, now with MG, this is not helping me. I am fatigued constantly, I have to plan rest carefully, and I have had to learn to ask for help. I have had to ask for help…something I am just not use to doing. I feel like if people wanted to help me they would have been doing so all along. Though when I was diagnosed an out pouring came from those close to me, I had to learn to accept it, even though I did not want to.
I had to learn to voice what I needed and how to delegate, just like I do at work. It was hard. I also had to make sure not to take advantage of people, as you are then in a position of power and it can become easy to do this when people are helping. Though everyone stated that I still was not using them enough, lol…they would let me know if I was. I constantly apologized to them when I needed them for something and felt sorry for asking them for help. I felt like a burden. I had to learn this was not the case as they really wanted to see me better and it would not always be the case as I got stronger, and they were/ are right. It has become so much better.
Confidence is was another issue I dealt with and I still deal. I feel like I am not worthy of many things but I am getting better, that was something I had to learn on a spiritual level years ago with God after being diagnosed with MG I sort of hit ground zero again in that department with that physically. I felt like I was no longer beautiful thanks to my physical scars and appearance. The changes my body was going through and the sound of my voice. I felt so lost. Though I am getting stronger with my MG and these things are getting better and happening less often, I have had to learn that I am the one that is more cognizant of these things than others. I have to have more confidence in myself and my abilities and that no matter what there are those that love me and know my worth and that is all that matters! God has created and blessed a path for me and I will find it and make it because I can overcome this!