psychology

Learned Helplessness Pt. 2

Posted on by Lady CAS

I wanted to expound a bit on learned helplessness. Philly and I had a discussion about learned helplessness in an indirect manner. I realized that he as many of us do in some manner or at some point in life suffers from it. He suffers much more than most and his is from dealing with many negative situations that he believes he just ‘deals’ with and says it’s life and moves on with. When in actuality they beat him up leaves hard scars and he voices his feelings about them often because they still bother him.

I never mind hearing about them, but when someone voices their feelings about something frequently, it does bother you and most definitely you are not living life, over it, or any of those other phrases people like to say they are. Now Philly has used a few of these phrases but I am speaking now to the masses here so understand that. I merely use him as an example to get my point across.

When you become accustomed to life, a situation, or a person constantly beating you up you can forget that this is not normal in life and it can become your normal. You begin making every excuse as to why this is YOUR life and applying it to all the exceptions to your life as well. Such as all your shortcomings (gender, race, age, weight, health, education, social status, etc…).  You being saying why you cannot find the positive situations and it alienates others from you. It becomes hard for others to be around you because they find it hard to constantly pull you out of the negative loop you have created.

The Saboteur

Every new person you meet does not know your past. You have a chance to recreate yourself. To show them a new you. To begin fresh. Yet because you are so conditioned to the negative past you refuse to show them that new you, you believe they will treat you like all the bad exes, so you begin testing them and sabotaging the relationship. You become suspicious, or you are half interested.

The Rude/ Mean Person

You throw out rude mean comments and clear them up as a joke once you realize you may have hurt the other person’s feelings. Your friend/ partner may laugh these things off initially but eventually they will realize this is not cool and that you are in fact not a nice person. They may be superficially interested in you and once this phase wears off they will say even more hurtful things. Sometimes the hurtful things are never about you, but about others and this may also be a sign. They are lashing out. They are constantly finding everything wrong with the world and everyone else. Nothing is good about the world EVER, not even when you point things out. This can be a hard pill to swallow for a person who is really nice and cheery (optimistic). You will find yourself needing outlets and a social network just being around this person (they will rarely if ever uplift you). You will find that you will consume yourself trying to do that for them and have little of yourself left.

All in all people who have learned helplessness are considered mental health individuals. They have been through 1 or more negative experiences that have triggered a behavior to react in the manner in which they have. It is very hard to overcome.

  1. The first step is becoming aware of the behavior and reaction. Coming from someone who has had learned helplessness late in life this was hard to do, especially since the behavior was due to fear.
  2. Once you are aware of the situation, you have to want to change it. This means knowing you reason for it and having a solid reason at that (one that is positive- usually one that is just for you).
  3. Then you have to make a plan to change it
  4. Then execute that plan
  5. And modify/ re-evaluate if needed
  6. smile because you made a change you can be proud of

 

 

Learned Helplessness

Posted on by Lady CAS

Learned helplessness is when people feel helpless to avoid negative situations because previous experience has shown them that they do not have control. In this lesson, we’ll explore some of the causes and effects of learned helplessness.

Seligman’s Learned Helplessness Theory

In 1965, Martin Seligman and his colleagues were doing research on classical conditioning, or the process by which an animal or human associates one thing with another. In the case of Seligman’s experiment, he would ring a bell and then give a light shock to a dog. After a number of times, the dog reacted to the shock even before it happened: as soon as the dog heard the bell, he reacted as though he’d already been shocked.

But, then something unexpected happened. Seligman put each dog into a large crate that was divided down the middle with a low fence. The dog could see and jump over the fence if necessary. The floor on one side of the fence was electrified, but not on the other side of the fence. Seligman put the dog on the electrified side and administered a light shock. He expected the dog to jump to the non-shocking side of the fence.

Instead, the dogs lay down. It was as though they’d learned from the first part of the experiment that there was nothing they could do to avoid the shocks, so they gave up in the second part of the experiment.

Dogs who had previously been shocked did not try to escape the shocks in a subsequent experiment.
Learned Helplessness

Seligman described their condition as learned helplessness, or not trying to get out of a negative situation because the past has taught you that you are helpless.

After the dogs didn’t jump the fence to escape the shock, Seligman tried the second part of his experiment on dogs that had not been through the classical conditioning part of the experiment. The dogs that had not been previously exposed to shocks quickly jumped over the fence to escape the shocks. This told Seligman that the dogs who lay down and acted helpless had actually learned that helplessness from the first part of his experiment.

http://study.com/academy/lesson/how-seligmans-learned-helplessness-theory-applies-to-human-depression-and-stress.html

Mastery of Life and Career

Posted on by Lady CAS

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So when I was in psychology courses during my masters programs it taught me that when given gradually increasing responsibility and autonomy that one gains mastery over their environment, job, and requires increasing challenges to become an expert. Many studies proved this point. It is partly due to the intrinsic nature of what they are doing and the trust they are given. This requires a certain amount of trust on both the employee’s part and the employer’s side. The employee must prove that they can handle the responsibility and be trusted to do the work and if they cannot handle it, that they can use the resources around them to find the solution. Moreover, they have to be trusted to actually be doing work when not being supervised.

On the behalf of the employer, one has to be trusted to give rules and expect the employee to stay in those bounds and not micromanage. They must also be fair in pay and dealing when giving out responsibility based on scope of work and so on.

I believe this is true in a relationship as well. We need to understand that control works both ways just as within a career. One needs to be able to control one’s job just as they would a relationship. Each individual has to control what they allow to stress them by creating rules and boundaries. Moreover, each person needs to do a lot of observing.

You could have a spouse that is so use to others in their past that were so all over them always asking where they were  (or even you) that when you learn to stop doing it that they EXPECT IT. SO when you stop and learn control and patience they actually have a problem with it. They start believing you no longer care.  Because they associated that behavior with you caring for them. When in fact it was insecurity and you learning how to be more secure and enjoying life more with yourself (learning to be at ease alone…not clingy or being more trusting).

For me, once my husband got a car of his own when we were dating and learned that I did not like him being out all hours of the night and started keeping normal hours, he no longer got crazy phone call from me. He then could not understand why I did not blow up his phone. I say because I know where you are and unless you lied I assume you are fine and I have other things to be doing right now. It’s not that I do not care but, you said that is where you would be and I believe you and have no reason to be worried because you are busy right!?! It baffled him. My dad says man you just do not care! But I think it is because he has had similar dealings with my mom and over the years she has become the same way. LOL! We are trusting you to be doing what you said, and as an added bonus we have learned to be extremely happy doing something else while our busy husband are elsewhere since they work SO MANY HOURS and are so busy and now you are interrupting that now let me get back to my book, wine, nap, blogging, friends, crafting, or other activity I have found to do, LOL.

I also use to say good morning to him almost every morning before we started dating and when we first started dating and send him silly messages. But he was always too busy or focused on someone or something else to answer. Unless you really just do not look at your phone all day because it has to stay away (which is my day most days) it takes 10 seconds to respond and say hi or say I love you back or something silly. But he would ignore it. So now I do it too him sometimes and he gets to see how it feels and I said it doesn’t feel too good does it. You did it too me for 2 years. I am just giving you a taste and you can barely handle it.

I have learned this much about observing my husband, he like any man is sensitive. They try to pretend that they are STONE. But they are not. They are soft as pudding. They show you in a million ways when their feelings are hurt by acting out. They can be just as moody as women but then deny it. I do not baby and coddle my husband but he has learned to stop saying to me the next time I am doing something show me because I will. Now he knows every mood. He is fully aware now, LOL. However, I do not rub things in face (ok not as much). I try to let him work things out for himself and mature in that nature. However, it needs to be in growth. Just as with a career, we have to learn that we cannot just shut down and ignore our colleague or boss because we are upset with them. Especially in the case of being upset with your boss you have to learn to find ways to work in the same space with them while working through your anger, so you learn skills that will get you through the moment. If it’s breathing in 6 counts, holding it for 4 counts, and letting it out for 10; taking a short walk; changing the subject if possible; talking through your anger; finding your happy place (envisioning a place of serenity).

Are you the master of your life?

The Good and the Bad of Therapy

Posted on by Lady CAS

So when you need to talk to someone, you really need to talk to someone. I went to therapy and having been someone who has been to therapy before I know what it feels like to have a great release and to feel unloaded and feel free and how it feels to still feel unresolved or even downtrodden. Yesterday I left the therapist’s office feeling a feeling like the latter. I guess it was more because she was giving me a kudos like I was ‘brave for coming to therapy’ which I see no stigma toward. Moreover, having been told about my high anxiety before dealing with acceptance and the need to satisfy others and so forth, it was weird to see that she was unable to pick up on certain things.

I was did not expect her to dig through my past or past files but to see me as I am now. However, when someone specifically asks you about a certain situation and what brings you in there then tells you that ALL your issues must and basically CAN only be related to that it is a bit annoying. I mean since you did not look into my past you probably should not try to diagnose me then. The words use were you only talked about issues regarding this situation…and my response was um yea because you only asked about that. I could go on in detail about other aspects of my life but that is not why we are here. That is not what is sending me over the top causing my anxiety to peak. That is not what is making me stutter why trying to understand how you could be so blind.

Moreover, I am still in shock (reflecting upon my own personality evaluations over the years for school and fun) how I have gone from other type and models to a dang near full blown type A personality. I feel it is directly related to the current situation in which I am sitting in this office yet we have not really touched this and I know this is only the first session and there is only 45 min in which to speak but gosh.

I will say that as someone who has studied psychology for many years and greatly enjoys it, I was a bit dejected! I will not say I know more than her by far because I am not versed in her modality but I do know how to use the DSM manual and when she pulled it out to try and diagnose me after 45 min I was not thrilled. Moreover, only to say that I had both anxiety and depression due to my issue. I guess it seems logical and I can accept it but I have always hated accepting depression because I am such a cheery person so when something or someone changes that it actually PISSES ME OFF. She tried rattling off the signs/ symptoms of what put me in the category of each but I did not need her to do either and stopped her (not trying to be rude, of course) but I knew that manual inside and out. I studied it too. Though news ones come out often we all know the newest ones, the new highlights, and the most common diagnoses. I was dejected because I accept anxiety but every time I was told I had depression it was so short lived no one even bothered to really ‘say’ it because it would be gone in 10 seconds. I just do not hold on to it. But she believes I have been so for several months of and on and that I have been ignoring it.

Furthermore, she also was like I commend you for finding ways to treat/ reward yourself. I appreciated her trying in hindsight for all the kudos…but at the time it seemed for much like she was giving praise to a child who drew a crayon drawing all outside the lines but you still like the drawing because they tried.

She kept reassuring me that it was good that I listened to her advice about matching up my therapists for the other things I needed that she does not cover that are more specialized and that she can be brought in on and that this was also brave. Again I felt like that child and felt that this was not just my responsibility as I am not the only person in this but I digress on that for now.

I will say that being overwhelmed I am in a world of hurt and confusion and honestly though I knew I probably would not get a full release yesterday, I did expect to feel some sort of weight lifted yesterday where there was none. I guess the only weight lifted was the one last week where I felt I found the therapist. Maybe, things will change when I see my other therapist/ hypnotist on Thursday. She will be my full-time therapist anyway. Maybe that connection will be better. I pray so.

 

Varied Sameness…Excitement Erupts!

Posted on by Lady CAS

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I love mind games even more so when people try to play them on me. It keep my skills sharp. I tend to enjoy it when people attempt them on me in effort to believe that perhaps I too gullible/ naive know that they are trying to fool me. Sometimes I give them so much hope before snatching it all away. There are even times I let them believe they have won only to later in life realize that I always knew they were trying to get over on me but it only makes them realize how ashamed thy should be or how naive they really were.

It’s like when you were little and your parents let you believe that you were smarter than them and you thought you were really getting away with things. However, in actuality they knew exactly what you were doing, they were merely picking their battles or letting your think you were a genius to stroke your ego when you needed that extra bit of confidence. Parents are smart like that, LOL.

Recently, I enjoyed a bit of ‘varied sameness’ as I deal with many routine processes though they change slightly. I don’t mean the random driving adventures of people stopped in the straight lane to run left (thinking they were at the red light lane to go left at 5am), or the the person who goes from the left lane to turn so wide that they just ended up in my right lane and then goes 2 lanes to the left to get back on the highway again at 5am. Nope. I mean the person who stares at me blankly like I cannot see them, as if they have on the darkest shades, but only have on glasses, LOL. So I smile and even give a wave. My parents taught me to never be rude.

When people stare like this, my husband would totally lose it. He cannot stand such things. I have learned to ignore it or relish in the thought that people are curious, nosy, ignorant, or plain rude, LOL. So I just give them a nod to speak if you are going to stare so long. I figure let’s match wits. Let me practice my storytelling abilities on you. Is it possible that I can intrigue a total stranger and make them believe something about me that makes me memorable. Not necessarily untrue just memorable. Moreover, can I play a mind game with them. Make their lives more interesting because I was in it, LOL. I mean that should be a given but can I do something that will make them go home and talk.

So my goal this particular day was to interact with a total stranger and see if I could work in certain words and make people tell me what fascinated them most about where they most wanted to go in the world. It was a fun game to play that day. You would think most strangers would never tell you something like this but you need only find the right environment like a long wait/ line and find a place that has a television commercial that can run as an a ice breaker. I did just that while waiting on my car, LOL. It was pretty fun. Though some people may not have rushed home and planned their next vacation, they probably had a better than normal waiting experience (passing the time faster than normal) and everyone was participating almost interrupting the other to interject their ideas out of excitement.

I know I should not always find life as an experiment as people are well humans and not play things, but I saw this as a social experiment of sorts and a way to pass the time for me as well. Moreover, I also find that people truly enjoy things like this as do I. I do not go and write these findings in a journal or formally conduct these experiments, they are purely for my observation to try engage people in more friendly interactions in the world. I do not conduct ill-intended interactions and if one seems to go this way I terminate it immediately. However, this was pure delight and I am sure many went home and enjoyed a leisure conversation that was sparked about a place that they may not have talked about in a while with friends and/ or family to distant places that they have dreamed of going to and the significance it holds and 1 good deed they could do while there, 1 life changing adventure while there, and 1 person they wish they could meet there!

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