There was always something in there
Though others may not see it
Shining like diamonds
Sparkling brighter when you are up to something
That smile so contagious
That laugh seems to be the most…
entertaining and
limitless weapon in your arsenal aside from the
magnitude of love you possess;
owning all that you are in stride
There are people who strangely have the uncanny knack for being ignorant believe it or not. Yes I am being facetious. I have been taking a beating the likes of a George Foreman against Ali. Where he was quoted by CBS news as having been ‘mugged in the jungle’. He said he was in the wrong place at the wrong time going up against Ali (jokingly) as he got his but whooped.
Well if he was mugged I was hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray and then kidnapped, to be beat over and over with the ignorant stick.
I have to wonder why people just cannot get certain things through their head and then why others even put voice to said needs. For example, we post signs on the door at eye level maybe once a quarter or during national holidays that we will be closed and they are up for about a week. Then we put the same signs up in the locker rooms at the front desk, on a sign going into the locker rooms, and send out an email. Overkill right? Apparently not!
We get several members who automatically delete these emails, walk past the signs, and ignore us reminding them verbally we will be closed the following day(s) and until they come in at 3:50p on the day in question and I say we are closing in 10 minutes and they get ANGRY. I mean turn red in the face, raise their voice, and sometimes toss their bag on the desk upset. All to ask me why they were not told the fitness center would be closing early or that day and closed for holiday at which point I try to calm them and explain that an email went out (at which point they cut me off before I can finish…they always do with some excuse) and then I point to all the signs that have been up for a week up to 10 days (which we always do). Obviously this does not help with their anger and they always try to ask if they can stay while I clean and I say I am nearly done and will be walking out right at 4pm sharp as I have been anticipating my vacation as much as they have been or should be too.
Well there was no shortage of this when it came to our center CLOSING for good either. All week people kept coming to us saying I heard a rumor the center was closing…I laughed, like literally laughed in their faces and had to play it off for the first few people. I said it’s not a rumor it’s FACT the email went out on ____ at ____. And they stood there waiting for me to laugh again. When I didn’t they were upset. They wanted to know who they could contact and we did not have an answer because the people they assumed it was were actually the ones on their side. Furthermore, I had no idea people would be so nonchalant and delete an email about a WHOLE CAMPUS UPDATE. But they did. Some deleted it, some ignored it, and some swear they never got it period to which I would forward it to them instead of repeating my like a broken record because these people were killing my voice and my time management with tasks I had to get done. All week we answered the same questions from everyone…the same ones that were answered in the email UGH.
Then as if the week wasn’t hard enough people starting asking about buying the equipment and we had to keep telling them that their company owned it and had other plans for it.
Many people were concerned for the staff member’s well being and our jobs which was sweet. We all still have our jobs and are moving to the other campus we kept telling them since this was not in the email. However, one person who should have known better due to her position and involvement in the closing of the facility came to me (as she is showing a potential leaser around) and this was the conversation:
Facility Female: SO this is it?
Me: Yep
FF: The last week huh?
Me: Yes, last day Friday (how many ways you going to say this lady) She awkwardly is standing looking at me now
FF: SO where will you guys be going?
Me: We will be going over to the other campus (which I named directly)
FF: Oh i didn’t know that location was ready?
Me: (confused) It’s the other fitness center that’s been there for almost 2 years (surely she can’t be talking about the NEW one her agency is building as I just said on the other campus…yes she knows I know about both but that we can’t talk about this in front of her client)
FF: I just didn’t realize that one was ready yet!?!
Me: Yep, well have a good day (WTH is this lady talking about she’s senile that’s got to be it. That site has been there for 2 years in October and if you couldn’t talk about that part in front of your client you shouldn’t have said ANYTHING at all about it if she wasn’t suppose to know about our other campus which I doubt was the case since it’s public knowledge, LOL).
Each time that lady comes in she seriously makes me want to push her right back out the door though. She always comes in and gives people tours of the facility since she first started there and I’m like please let us as you never give accurate information. You get the hours wrong (which are on the sign outside the door), our names wrong (which are on the HUGE bulletin board by the front door), and the fact that everything is free except massage and personal training, telling them they have to pay for fitness classes and that’s not true, and so on. She makes me want to scream. I just want to knock some sense into her.
Then there is the ignorance that I’m enveloped in my personal life. Is seems to come through taking me out at the shins like coffee table corners when you are half sleep. I just cannot seem to get a handle on how one seems to walk through life not understanding that you are afforded every opportunity and you are wasting it. Some people are so ungrateful and refuse to be responsible and live up to their potential. They would rather make excuses and later dwell on how it could or should have been when others would kill/ or have killed to be in their position.
Though I could analyze these things a million times over, today I just cannot take my brain there another minute.
Have you ever thought about something or made a comment about something and later found it was just how you imagined it would be? I mean like you really thought it out whether in jest or in earnest and found that at some point days, weeks, months, or years later that very idea actually happened the very way you thought or said it would happen.
This happens all the time with me. I feel like this is just me talking things into existence sometimes. However, it makes for some interesting and even funny situations. For example, when I started working as a part-time cleaner for corporate organizations I noticed that in the men’s restrooms there would always be food wrappers, fruit peelings, and drink containers in it. I was like surely these people are not eating in the bathroom. I mean though this is a small company and it’s not like a normal pubic restroom, the mindset is still that you do not get ‘comfortable’ in a bathroom that is not your private home bathroom, let alone eat in one. Then I was like are these men like holding their *ahem* with one hand and going with the other? I know that’s gross but yea my mind went there since I was in the men’s bathroom.
Then I tried to give the benefit of the doubt and say well maybe they had just finished it before coming in walking to the bathroom and dropped it in the trash…
But then seeing how gross some of these guys are that I clean behind in their offices and in these restrooms, they probably have no concerns for eating while in the bathroom. Moreover, after reading a blog this morning from a fellow blog (John), I learned that things are sometimes EXACTLY what you were thinking. In his post today he talked He talked about a man who was eating and handling business at the same time.
But the hilarity of it all had me crying this man is a genius with his writing you must check him out. But the man eating in the bathroom not so much, LOL.
The funny part is I am so blunt and curious about men and their processes in life that I just flat out ask my husband, male friends, and dad, LOL. I just want to know so I can decide what is normal and what is not and what is ‘guy normal’ and what is not, LOL. This way I have an idea when I have a child, though if they have me as a parent they may already be doomed…#teamweird
I celebrate every little victory even if it is only me and in my own little space. For example I may have done everything on my to-do list and felt very accomplished and I may sit and read a book after doing a small happy dance and singing and laughing. Yea that sounds a bit hysterical but my to-do list are pretty intense most of the time. similar to this below for personal to-do lists on a nice week, LOL.
My most recent victory is that I was told that for my single fiber EMG test I do not have to stop taking one of medications ahead of time that tends to cause complications for my PLEX treatment. I’m on a high level of aspirin because I have a lupus anti-coagulant. What this means is that I do not have lupus but I do have really thick blood. So to help thin it I drink TONS of water take 325mg of aspirin a day. For the test they say I have to stop blood thinners but this apparently does not include aspirin, even at this this dosage.
Originally I had pushed my treatment to Thursday just to give my aspirin time to kick back in before going to get PLEX so I would have less issues during treatment (clotting) and we would not be there for 4-7 hours and more like 3. Now with this news I can go the same day as the test which is great since the test renders me dang near immobile and unable to swallow. I even feared I would not make it to treatment on Thursday after the test but I didn’t want to voice it because I was just going to pray. So this morning I just called to be sure about the aspirin before confirming treatment times again with my local neurologist before going to work this morning and Oh FRABJOUS DAY! CALLOOH! CALLAY!
I was so happy I skipped out of the house without my phone and welp there you have it! I tend to celebrate all my small victories all the time and my husband even looks at me a little weird sometimes but he will get over it. This is what I do because I enjoy giving praises to God for it and just being happy in general, I can’t be a gloomy pants person! Hope this brightens you day even a little! Futterwack with me! LOL!
As promised here is part 2 of my struggles. I can’t say they are always struggles as I have learned so much about myself but I still find them to be fears or frustrations so I struggle with the issues. One of these issues would be nightmares…I have increasingly more nightmares or unwanted dreams in the last year. I mean this may I have no idea how normal this is for most people but I usually do not have nightmares or bad dreams and I have had a TON of what I consider bad dreams lately. Though I know their source I have no idea what they mean. I truly do not like the uncertainty and the people by which I am dreaming concern me a great deal. Moreover, the stupid loop dreams are killin me. I think I am awake and then they sort of loop and start over and it’s almost like inception mixed with my whack job warping that gives me just enough leverage to know it’s a dream but I can’t wake up UGH. Usually nothing scary just annoying as all get out, LOL.
When did people become so surly, rude, AND/OR impassioned that it was okay not to have a conversation or debate with intellect, facts, and the occasional well thought out opinion with some supportive evidence. I mean we all enjoy talking about current events ranging from politics (well maybe not so much, lol) to the Olympics, but I have almost not even desired to open my mouth as people’s sensitivities appear to get hurt when I open my mouth. It’s extremely frustrating because I usually learn within the conversation or debate the person I am taking to has not even educated themselves on the person they are speaking about.Many times they have their own opinion of them already (good or bad) and the image is stuck and possibly quite superficial. They refuse to take in any new information about the person regardless if the person committed 10 crimes though formerly they were a Saint (not saying this was the case). Now I believe it is okay to be passionate about your conversation, cause, or topic it shows you care and have something more deeply rooted behind why you like the person/ cause/ topic; however, refusing to hear another person’s point and saying I don’t care what you say about this person, I won’t believe they are this or that or STAY of their case without hearing that person’s cause is rough…This last week dealing with several different issues I got SHUT DOWN just like that and it was quite rude and annoying. I mean from the it went to issues regarding personal matters, to things at work, to topics about the Olympics and all by different people and the funny part was I wasn’t even the one bringing up the topic some of the time, LMBO. I was just shocked at how it all seems to happen more and more in the world but how it all happened to me so much in one week. Man I definitely can say everyone I was dealing with needs a vacation ASAP before I start becoming a hermit.
Recently not having time to myself anymore for anything. I mean I knew picking up a part-time job would suck some of my free-time away but it also took so much energy I just cannot even function when I do have days off and that was after cutting the hours back on the part-time job. My husband said he understood but I sadly do not think he fully gets how it feels when you are both Type A and need to get things straight and finished because you cannot trust others to do it (okay well him mainly) and when you want to relax but the time you put aside for it you are so fatigued that you cannot even enjoy it. Like being tired and relaxing are NOT the same thing. Like some days I just want to enjoy cooking a great meal, doing an art project, going for a swim or workout, playing a game, or talking to friends on the phone! But then I get home and I am so tired that my Myasthenia Gravis says Nope and I am slurring and I have to choose between taking meds and not slurring enough to eat or talking to them on the phone and maybe eating 2 bites and being hungry all night because I won’t really be able to eat it without choking and I will have horrible indigestion and heart burn and mucus build up (since I can’t drink water to thin it out- remember I can’t swallow and this means choking and literally drowning). Then people say text and I can only do that so long before my fingers give out too because I have a job where I must type. At home I can use my dragon speech system but at work I have not used it trying to be as ‘normal’ as possible. So I try to upload snap chats of me and posts giving quick updates so they know I am ‘alive’ and the countdown to treatment so that they know when I can finally be semi-normal again. I feel so bad though because I feel like a horrible friend. I want to do so much more with them. And I truly miss them all! It makes me feel pretty lonely sometimes and I find myself wanting to cry but since that will cause worsening symptoms I don’t but I tear up often and they just fall. I know this is something that some people will just not understand.
So I have grown to learn that we all have something that we are afraid of. I use to think I was so fearless and I think that comes with this things called our teenage years and 20’s. Then we get a bit older and realize with our responsibilities and threat of death that we are indeed afraid of things that we may never have been afraid of before…But the fear mya have always been there.
For example, you may have told your friends when you were younger that you were not afraid of frogs but then you relaize as an adult that you do have a strange fear of them. You wonder how this was possible that you never had the strange irrational fear they your friend did when they were younger running and screaming as children. Then you realize it was because you never really encountered any or that you did not have that traumatic encounter until you were an adult (stepping on the frog and almost slipping and falling on it). The latter would be me. I stepped on a frog and since then when I see one I can watch it, and stare at in an enclosure, but I give them an unnaturally wide girth when I see them in the ‘wild’. I have no desire for that to happen again. For some reason that experience freaked me out and I just can’t deal with frogs the same again.
Next came my fixation with needing to not only do my job but do it the best I could. It wasn’t about sucking up as some people may have seen it, but about trying to figure out the best way to do my job the most efficiently without having to do twice the work. I wanted to create my own best practices for myself in a sense. So it was a frustration for myself when I failed or got behind on my work…When I say behind the deadline usually had not come yet it would still be a ways off but it was past my personal deadline of when I wanted it done. I prefer to get things done 1-2 weeks ahead of schedule s that if something is a team effort or someone else relies on me to get my information done so that they can glean information from me for their reports they will have it in time. Moreover, If it is a project they can because I get them done so early so they can look at them and tell me what modifications they would like so they can still be done in the original time frame.
So for me it’s part of the organization fun but it also helps take some of the stress off my mind to know it is done in advance. It has nothing to do with sucking up. But the problem comes in when I care too much about what others think, or care about when it comes to when I need a break. I care so much that I let others take time off, or worry about what they will do when I am not there and how it will affect them. My friends and some family say you should not because they do not do that for you but some do. They change their schedules for my treatment and work around me when I feel ill when and do not create a hostile environment for me because of it. However, I get what they are saying and I have to start remembering what psychologists and governing bodies of some of our other countries have been saying for years; vacation is not a luxury it is a necessity. You need it to recharge. Some countries offer up 30 days of vacation per year and that has nothing to do with a graduated service to the employer that is just standard…I mean seriously and that doesn’t even include the paid holidays. I feel like I truly need to become European people. If they take me…A visit is one thing, staying is a different matter altogether, LOL.
Stay tuned for part 2 of my fears and frustrations…yea there’s more, LOL
Lately I have been so busy it is quite stressful and hilarious. I have 3 levels of busy. I have work busy, home busy, and just plain ole busy.
Work Busy
With work busy as the name implies this deal with all the things associated with my jobs. I am stressed (good and bad) with things dealing with my jobs. I have certain deadlines, facility closures, customers, and a gazillion dates, and projects to keep up with. I try to do this seamlessly; however things to get a bit manic at times. I start some emails out really friendly and creative and sometimes find myself typing so hard and fast with emotion that my head and fingers hurt after I am done. These emails are the ones that I have to let sit in my drafts for a bit to allow them to cool and re-read before I send them to make sure I still have a job later…
Class, respect, and tact is the name of the game. Then I go to my blog where I can say what I want, like how they should go belly flop off the highest diving board (because I don’t want them dead just in temporary discomfort…)
Home Busy
So home ‘busy’ levels includes everything home. This is all things personal like my marriage, bills, errands, vacations, hanging with my friends and family, chores, and things along those lines. Its what people would usually say is everything else outside of work. I would even say this include my health and medical bookings and so on as well which encompassed a lot of my life at one point and still can be a lot as I have to schedule all my events around how I feel physically.
Plain ole busy #insanity
So this is when things just get out of control and I have no time for anything. I have had to start cutting things that are considered important to just to fit in more things that are important and nothing fits anywhere anymore and I am exhausted and yet the light at the end of the tunnel is usually so far off that I usually have to pretend my light at the end of the tunnel are my naps…
and I dare you to wake me or think you are more important than the nap if it is not an emergency. In other words if someone has not died or is not dying…I DO NOT CARE!
So there you have it right now I am experiencing all 3 levels and today when I hit my nap again before going to my second job I will be right back to plain ole busy getting ready for tomorrow so yea…Sorry not sorry. My next few weeks will be like this until I can get treatment, this move at my job happens, and a few things behind the scenes happen that I cannot quite talk about yet though I am anxious and excited for them to happen…#lifechanges #soontocome
I have a rather strange scenario for you (the readers) today. This actually happened to me yesterday and I am still unsure of how to feel about it as I am a quite an expressive and empathetic person. I tend to try to see a situation from every angle before trying to jump to a conclusion but I am just not sure how to react to this one.
Scenario:
I was cleaning my corporate building yesterday evening and as the some of the staff members were heading out one of the older male staff that I have had a few joking interactions with found me while I was cleaning an office down the hall.
Male: Hi there, Hey, Do you like tomatoes?
Me: Hi, uh, huh, um yes (thinking yes not that much but I could do something with them- I do not like waste food).
Male: I have some tomatoes that I brought in that are in the lounge/ kitchen. I grew them myself. Now they have been there a couple of days and they are not the best tomatoes but they are there if you want them. You can cut away the bad spots and take them.
Me: Oh thank you! I thought to myself this that was nice. And I was sort of excited. I had not been offered anything before by anyone here before and he thought enough to look for me to offer me these so cool.
I go around and continue cleaning and see him again before he leaves and wish him a good evening as he officially heads out while putting out his trash and he leaves his desk. Then I get 2 doors down to the lounge/kitchen and see this:
Now most people think of me as invisible there and ignore me. Moreover, in the 8 months I have been working there and all the catered events they have had there, no one has so much as offered me a piece of wrapped candy though they throw out tons of bagels, doughnuts, cake, sandwiches, pizzas and so on. Though to be honest after being someone who cleans up after them and knowing how most people are I would not eat after them. I am a person who likes to help ‘serve’ food to people so I know my food was not picked over, breathed on, and touched by unhygienic people who sneezed, coughed, talked, and dug all into places all around my food. I’m just saying.
Anyways, I felt like after being there for 8 months you come to me (anyone really) and the first time you come to me that is what I’m offered. Only one was near firm and the rest nearly melted in my hand when I touched them, literally juicing all the way down my arm which was apparently why they were on a paper towel. The one in the top right burst on impact then hit the chair in front of me and exploded in a red and white goopy mess and I was suppose to eat this…
Then many of them had mold running out of the juice UGH! The picture actually made them look better than they were, durn camera, LOL. Regardless, I then thought back to his comment of the tomatoes having only been there a couple of days and laughed because I clean the build 3 times a week and I just cleaned it SUNDAY afternoon. So in other words he brought those nasty tomatoes in Monday spoiled then Tuesday night they were well beyond gone.
The worst part is that you actually opened your mouth to offer them to someone in that condition instead of throwing them away…there was nothing salvageable about these tomatoes.
So my question is should I feel upset? Was this truly an oversight on his behalf? Was he being naive? I would have had more pride in my garden not to try to give people something that was rotten but maybe he could not stand to see it go to waste like me with some food.
Or did he think, she is just a service worker and probably could use a handout, I will give it to her? Like I usually do not go here with my thinking but I am not seeing too much positive in 4 trash cans in this room and how totally rotten these tomatoes were. There were not just cosmetically bruised or cut around a spot bad as he said. They were bad inside and out. If I ate those I would have been so sick.
I refuse to think it had to do with race because I do not believe he would have had any interactions with me on any level of any kind if that were the case voluntarily. Though I could be wrong I think/ thought he was a nice guy.
However, I will not lie my first instinct was to become upset and irritated that he would dare to offer me something like this…However, in further thought he probably offered it to everyone since they were in the lounge/kitchen.
What are your thoughts?
I have been working in a corporate environment now for almost 8 years and without even knowing it I have found myself conforming to certain unspoken rules. I have even found myself gawking at those outsiders who broke those rules and laughed later when telling my husband or friends how I couldn’t believe I felt that way. I have been brainwashed! Here are some of the unspoken rules:
Now I am not one to cast judgement usually but when you work in a place like this you tend to find yourself unintentionally conforming to these rules and looking at people odd who do not fit the mold/ standard. There is an appropriate perception of what one should look like in these environments and some of them are necessary because they perpetuate HR issues (such as short dresses or shorts) or safety concerns like really high heels. However, many are just discriminatory and are perpetuated by society. I laughed at some of the unspoken rules because I myself have had tongue piercings in college, used temporary blue paint in my hair for softball games (for my whole head), and I am the proud wearer of 5 tattoos (though they are all on my back- well 1 is on the back of my neck).
At my job when they leased a new company over us a few years ago I almost died when i saw them playing games on the grass. I was like HOW DARE THEY.
But yes they did CHILE I was done!!!
Then the stress from watching people come in from our newly created call center coming in wearing stripper heels and hair dyed every color under the rainbow with naked flesh hanging out everywhere…
I mean I just can’t seem to pick myself up off the floor honey! But notice I fell out in style.
But I think some of these women suffer from a far worse fate; they just have to be seen and heard and maybe this is why they are going so far.
As for the grass thing, once the leased people left we thought people being in the grass would sort of go away. I mean we thought hey why make sidewalks if you were mean to walk in the grass. Then again they did spend lots of time on it and it looked so plush it does sort of make you want to walk through it barefoot.
But then Pokemon Go happened and there went the grass again so oh well, LOL. Screw your rules corporate America.
I have to say that lately I have been doing a bit too much in terms of physical strength versus what I have to give in terms of my MG. I have overdoing it quite a bit lately and though I know this is not a good thing knowing that unlike most people I have no reserve and once I deplete early in the day I could seriously damage and land myself in the hospital if I go TOO far…I push anyway.
Some people ask why. Well it is not always a simple clear cut and dry answer. sometimes it is because I am frustrated and I am tired of waiting on others to do things that they say they are going to do (their job/ responsibility) and do not so I just do it.
I can’t help it sometimes, it’s just my type A personality taking over!
Sometimes it is because I really just want to feel normal and hang out with friends and family but my body really was not up for it and I should have been at home resting or sleeping instead. But because I have spent so much time between school, work, and now this disorder being missing over the years I just want to be part of my family and friends again. (However, I learned with some of those people, this feeling is not a 2-way street and they are just trying to make me feel guilty for that time away though they had made little or NO effort since).
Other times I push myself because I need to try to make new boundaries and see if I have improved any with my Myasthenia Gravis. I never want to become complacent with it. I want to see if I can eventually go years without treatment if possible until they can find a cure.
Then there are the rare occasions like now, where medical experts will not allow me to get treatment and want to ‘stress’ me a bit and go on like normal so they can run tests (single fiber EMG) on me. They even wanted me to stop several medications before seeing them; however, I told them with my set of symptoms my mestinon could not be stopped before hand without a plex treatment having occurred in the last month in this heat. I mean I have been sucking on my inhaler like it was oxygen the last 3 days.
More so, since I have to stress myself anyway and cannot get treatment yet until afterwards we might as well make it count because I do not want to wait to do extra over exerting things for after treatment occurs and ‘ruin’ the purpose of my treatment since I do not plan on getting another for 3-5 months after that. So we are rearranging our house now and doing ‘spring cleaning’. It’s hard and I am probably doing more than I should faster than I should but I am tired of looking at the clutter and mess and though it is not all mine and he is kind of helping as men do
Ok he’s not this bad but you get the idea…
I have to spearhead this or it will not get done before the treatment and my house will never look the way I want it.
Myasthenia Gravis 