Anger Vs. Anxiety

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Look at the two pictures above! You may have seen the movie Pixar Movie Inside Out. It’s about emotions and internal thoughts. Well from first glances the 2 characters could be reacting the same way or the same situation. However, if you saw the movie, you would know that the character on the left is Anger, and the on right is Fear (anxiety). Each get to run certain aspects of our lives. However, you do not want any one in emotions to fully control all aspects of your life. Thankfully this has not been the case for me.

However, I have had a tough time differentiating between some of my emotions as of late. There are times that they seem to give off false senses of effects or symptoms that are very similar to those of my anxiety from the past and I have misinterpreted them. For example being so angry that my heart rate begins to beat rapidly, I start shaking, I get spots before my eyes, and may even get short of breath and begin sweating.

But I realized later that upon calming down that the shortness of breath may have been because I was either holding my breathe instead of breathing calmly instead of a panic attack. I was trying to prevent myself saying something I should not (in mot cases). Then from all the stress and reactions I usually end up with a nice size migraine later. It’s all very magical later when I see halos and feel like I have gone a few rounds with a boxer.

I am sure that my anxiety kicks in when I believe that I am having an anxiety attack; however, this is only when things have gone way too far (very rare). Yesterday for example, I became so angry it took me hours to calm down. Once I finally did I finally realized the difference between my anger and anxiety.

I believe the reason it has taken me so long to find this separation/ link it because I have never really allowed myself to openly become angry. I feel it is so taboo to become angry and to lose my cool since gaining such a handle over it in towards the end of college. I worked hard on myself then and now I am quite embarrassed when I lose my cool. So it is hard for me to come to terms with the actual triggers, ‘symptoms’, and effects of it. And of course later I feel like I have been the bad guy because it’s not like me to be this way; though I always wonder if the person who caused the anger ever feels that way?

I always wonder this as usually people who are naturally negative or angry people ever feel like I do–Super embarrassed, ashamed or remorseful for being angry or being quick to anger. I feel that anger is an easy out and one should try their best to stay cool, calm, and collected to be able to see all sides of every situation and offer valuable insights and contributions to any aspect/ situation. But I feel like the negative or angry person could care less and I just feel really bad for them and wish I could help them see this is not the answer in life because it narrows their thinking and of life.

Now I am not saying you can never become angry;  however, being angry all the time or wallowing in it is not good. One must learn to do so in a healthy way. I have learned that the way I did so yesterday was obviously not the best way. Also bottling it up is not healthy either. You can write, come back and talk about it later (once things are calmer), go to counseling (anger management), go exercise, and so on. Now that I have pinpointed that this was anger for me I am able to handle what triggered it and address it. Now I can back to joy and more varied emotions!

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The TUG of WAR

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I have been battling the biggest battle of tug of war in my life and it is all within myself. Usually we struggle with good and bad or right and wrong. However, sometimes things are not that clear cut and black and white. Sometimes they are what is right for you at that time…If you pray on it enough, it will be right for all parties eventually.

The struggle I have been having was that AT FIRST, I was finding it hard to even pray over the situation. Now I can at least find comfort in God again. This definitely makes me feel better about things. However, I am still fighting an inner struggle as I have an issue of trust between me and the relationship that is in question.

When you lose trust, you wonder if you even want allow yourself to try again with the person if they have been given many opportunities as a friend or lover and they continue to take it for granted as if you HAVE to STAY there. You start saying things like I could text them and ask them how their day was? Or ask about their family? Or ask them their plans for the weekend…Then you say well it works both ways and I have been the only one doing this before and then I got nothing. You wonder if you are being selfish, childish, teaching them a lesson, or punishing them. You wonder if you are giving trust where they do not deserve it.

Then you wonder if you give this small token and try again will they assume everything is back to normal and begin where they left off…making you feel less than what you are, disrespected, friendless, alone, lied to perhaps and a bevy of other emotions and epitaphs.

So then you ask, why would I, or anyone else have this huge tug of war and not just cut the person off? If only it were that easy. We all say it is that easy. But it is always easier said than done until it is you and it takes you longer than normal to realize it was you getting taken advantage of. When I was younger it used to take me a long time to realize it. Then I got smart and would cut people loose before either of us were really attached and therefore I never really felt a loss. However, now as I age I have found that sometimes, those that you keep in your life  longer than a season may be catfishing you.

They make you think they belong when in fact they do not. Moreover, those that are ‘supposed’ to be in your life for the long haul and grow with you can be so taxing that sometimes you still have to let them go because their growth is more like a leech. With God this growth may be harder but it should still work; however, you get people who are so negative and venomous and not ready for change that they suck all the good qualities right out of you and you struggle to get back to being the person you were and they do not know how to give anything back to YOU to help you once they have used you all up and become better for themselves.

The funny part is rarely do ‘friends’ that you must cut off ever really fight to stay in your life once you decide to cut them loose because they got everything out of you that they wanted. However, this time I guess the reason I am struggling so much is because this person is actually fighting to stay in my life. Again considering that I am not related to the person, this says a lot, but it also says that I can still cut them loose at anytime to protect me from further harm. No one deserves to feel as though they are being forced to stay in a relationship out of obligation no matter the type of relationship.

Sometimes the obligations come in the form of duties such as children if you are married, or if you are friends the fact that you have known each other since elementary school, or because they saved your life or helped you through a difficult time in your life. However, we all can outgrow someone and you do not have to stay becasue of those things. Even children. You can still make arrangements and be amicable for the the sake of the kids but live your own lives separately for happiness.

I still have not made a decision and it have been a few weeks dealing with this struggle. Obviously there are other reasons involved that I would rather not divulge at this point. However, I will say that since the trust was broken, I feel I have a right to take my time making my decision and that it’s ok for me to feel this way right now. I believe it is normal for me feel torn between wanting things to be right but not being ready to let this person back in yet since they hurt me and have not proven themselves worthy of trust yet. They have not earned it back and I do not feel ready to begin showing even small strides on the levels that I know I could do because I do not want WANT to. I just feel that is not fair to give that person what they desire when I have been lacking for so long and then as they try to give it now, it feels its only because they have screwed up and are losing me…This may not be, they may truly have learned their lesson but I need to see this change indefinitely before or at least consistently for longer than a few weeks before I make any movement on my part.

I know this sounds a bit harsh and even down right stubborn but, when you are talking about matters of the heart, one grows tired of being hurt and in and pain and will do whatever it takes to prevent it from happening again! I hope am able to get to a point of forgiveness for myself or the person for my own sanity! However, this does not mean that the person gets to ‘stay in my life’ just because I forgive them, only that I have found peace and can coincide with them amicably and move on.

 

Peanut Butter Dreams and Prince

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I have learned that I let my emotions run me sometimes and sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes this is a bad thing. Last night it was an interesting one. Lately my dreams have been fueled with all sorts moments that trippy moments but the funny part is when I woke up remembering most of it I think to myself how normal that dream was. As in yea that should have happened, or could have happened. Or normal as in yep that is my life knowing fool well that I did not, have not, and in some cases could never happen like last night’s dream…but I could infer what it meant, LOL. But dang I wanted to be Prince’s Wife UGH!

Last night I was married to Prince and we had an amazing house and He was playing on a huge projector screen and I was Beat TO THE GAWDS honey. When I tell you I was fly, I was gorgeous and I do not say that about myself often. I felt amazing. And then I felt I had to keep up costume changes with him. And to say that standing next to PRINCE is saying something child. I mean he was all kinds of gorgeous! I was showing off our new house to my family including my now husband as if he wasn’t really my husband but sort of was but in my mind I was like um not legally no more because I’m HIS, LMBO.

I mean I had already been so close to the man and was hugging on him and kissing him and well we won’t get to graphic, lol. But I will say being a fan of Prince for so long I think I finally had my way with this man.

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Later in the dream, true to form he even threw shade at me for walking his brother out to the limo as they were leaving and his ‘little’ brother had his arm around me trying to be fresh and I corrected him. I had to play it off even though he ‘reprimanded me’ but I liked it in a Christian Grey sort of way. I was waiting for him to get me alone and ‘punish me’. Oh boy! Yea I may be a lil twisted but Prince could do no wrong in this fantasy! YUM!

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But then one section of our house was a mess and then another and I kept closing doors and trying to cover it. And the other room I was in, my changing room, was also messy so I just kept the door closed while dressing. I felt like things were falling apart a bit at this point of the dream and just woke up because my fantasy was falling apart. I do not like disarray. It disturbs the realism of the fantasy because as a rich couple it would never be that messy. We would have people for that or clean it ourselves because I like order. So it woke me slam up.

I wanted to try to go back to sleep after I realized I woke up an hour before my alarm clock to see if I could get back to sleep to relive the earliest part of the dream. That felt right. I guess that’s what peanut butter crackers just before bed will do to ya.

Many of my dreams have been similar to this lately. They may be in my normal setting (environment) but I’m married to a celebrity or person I have known for a long time that I usually have not considered on that level before. Or I’m in a different environment I’ve never known with people from the past that (even if they didn’t work are somehow working in the fantasy). And like I said I wake up like meh. And keep trucking. Then there are days like today where I just want to bask in the dream and sleep for a few days or live in that world instead (minus the mess).

 

 

Where has the time gone!

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I cannot believe it has been a week since I have blogged! This is so unlike me. I mean it is like me going a day without talking! It just so rarely happens you would think that I am sick. The reality is that I have been so busy that I have hardly had time to wrap my head around all the strange feelings and activities that I have been undergoing.

Let’s first talk about these activities. I have been visiting friends and family like it is going out of style in an effort to seemingly catch up on all the years I have missed from being away in college or busy with my masters for so many years. I also am trying to catch up from being ill and unable to visit and hang with people as my reason was I was in the hospital or to weak to actually be away from home or treatment more than about 1-2 hours if that.

Now that I can I have been booked or booking so much time with family and friends that I have turned ‘fun’ into another job form myself and have to slow down a bit. I feel like my bed and I need a real come to Jesus moment where we talk about some secret things that no one else understands. I mean it seems like it has been awhile since I have held the sandman hostage; which is a requirement when you have work shift disorder for over 15 years.

I have been kayaking, hanging in arcades (Dave and Busters), out drinking, playing pool, at food truck rodeos, and so much more. It has been fun but I have to make sure I don’t overdo things by spreading myself too thin in the name of fun.

Now for the crazy feelings, well I assume they are a mix of stress and just a bevy of emotion that keeps flooding me thinking about my future and reflecting on my past with MG. I mean to think I am almost at 15 weeks with no treatment is amazing and the longest I have gone ever. Then to think that when I first started with MG that I could barely hold or balance things in one hand and now I can hold them with a finger or two and I am almost back to my old strength even if not my old endurance yet as I have to build that back up. I also think about the fact that no matter where my husband and I are now in our relationship he was very supportive of me through some rough times that most people did not see or even know about. He may joke with me about it now but he was there and helped me get through it when I could only had him and my mom to share those really personal things with. I was even too embarrassed to tell my best friends back then. I am so happy for the stability and the success that has occurred in my life. I thank God daily and several times a day for all that is occurring in my life. People need to know that I may not be the most religious person but I am spiritual, grateful, and I love God even though I do not blog about Him all the time. I’m not here to sell you my God! He is yours if you want him and I feel if you like what I have and what I do you will seek him the same as I did because you see him working in my life as I saw him working in the lives of those who were happy around me!

Sometimes I even feel sad because I feel as though I am still not where I want to be, but I realize that I will get there in due time. I am progressing and that is all that matters. I know that I have put on weight again but I am healthy and stable and now since I can workout again I can get that weight back off. So that makes me happy and working out lately has been a great joy. My WOD (workout of the day) is going to be awesome today! I can’t hardly wait to get home and conquer it, who knows I may even let my husband do the workout with me if he doesn’t get in the way. I’m kind of selfish with my workouts, LMBO. I like to workout on my own then I will teach people whatever, they want on their own time (since he doesn’t already know the moves).

 

 

Aging Gracefully

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Sometimes I just sit and ponder…okay all the time, LOL. I daydream like it’s my job and one day I hope it will be. I hope I can completely convert to writing and people paying me to read about my craziness. Not here of course because I always want my blog to be free. I want people to always have some area where they can ‘easily’ access my thoughts.

Anyways, I sit and ponder aging. Sometimes it scares me to think I am aging and have yet to accomplish the things I want to in life. But then I think about all the famous and not so famous people who were well into life, well into their 30s, 40s, 50s and so on before they accomplished the fame that we know them for today. I also think about the lifespan that we have today compared to decades and centuries ago. Though no one is promised tomorrow or even the next second, I have time create these things as long as I am working toward them and not procrastinating upon them.

My great grandfather is 92 years old and acts and moves much like a 20 year old. My great aunt is in her late 60s and NOT one of my friends believes me when I say it. They looked at her picture from this weekend from a commencement ceremony for a reunion and they said she looks like she is in her late 30s or mid 40s at best. When I tell her this she laughs and says they are too kind but they are your friends, they have to say that…She has no idea…my friends can be harsh and very honest, LOL. They have properly aged many in my family and even over aged a few.

A lot of it has to do with the confidence one has too though. It is exuded in the way we walk, talk, and act daily. I learned that when my confidence is highest I could be in the worst outfit imaginable to me and yet no one notices because I feel like a million bucks and I’m happy and my skin glows and I walk like it’s a new trending outfit despite the despair of the outfit sometimes, LOL.

Sometimes a new outfit can do this, a new hairdo, or glasses, but for me I have learned that just owning your age but not looking is the new confidence. By learning to own a less stressful lifestyle and enjoying life I can have this! I want to be like the many examples I see in my family. My family and friends keep me young and I am learning to let go of my fear when it comes to aging!

Planning

I take great joy  and care in planning. I have no idea why it makes me feel so good but if someone hands me the task of planning I feel like I am on cloud nine. I could wrap myself in the computer, my notebook, and phone get all the planning done. I mean I sit there for hours before I realize that I have literally spent an entire 5-8 hours in front of the computer pouring over choices and plans.

I do not feel stressed just simply determined to find the best deal possible and the best location. I always liked planning because I like knowing when and where things will happen and being in charge. But more than that I enjoy a sense of accomplishment. Something that always stuck with me that my mom taught me when I was younger was to take initiative. She used to get so annoyed when I would wait until she told me to do something or I would sit and let things ‘happen’ in the house. Or would just follow her around waiting for her to give me a task. LOL.

She would say you need to learn how to take initiative. She said do you know what that means, it means taking on a task/job/ chore before someone can ask you. Being preemptive. I gave her a perplexed look. She had to define preemptive too. I was like 8, lol. I was excited. Immediately I started looking for things to do that she would normally ask me to do and try to do them before she could ask. This of course went to everything, but was short lived because as a child you do not always like doing chores. However, I did learn how to do this with school work, some chores, and some activities as I was in so many school activities I had no choice.

When it is time to go on vacation I go in to a zone like no other. I become so focused. I have certain websites I go to knowing they will give the best deals. I also know which days to try to go on vacation and I try to find additional discounts while on vacation from my favorite sites like groupon, citipass, and living social.

Then planning for my wedding was a dream, well until I the last few weeks, then I turned it over to another professional for the last minute details to help bring it home after I worked pretty hard for 9 months of planning.

Now it looks like if this travel agent doesn’t get it together for our trip to Europe I may get another crack at it.I had already been perusing things last fall after I was first told about the trip and found some promising things…However, it’s not my show to take over…YET LMBO. I will stay in my lane for now.

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Goals Goals Goals- So Excited

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I am so excited today! I won’t say everything is going my way but I will say that today is definitely an amazing day! I’m reaching goals and working toward new goals everyday.Moreover, as I reach old goals I make new ones and push toward those. Right now I just hit 12 weeks without plasma exchange treatment for myasthenia gravis again and that is my second time doing that but this time I do not feel like last time. I do not feel like I need treatment right now. Last time at this point I wanted treatment 2 weeks before this but I was just hanging on. Right now I feel like I can go another 2-4 weeks no problem. So I will. If I feel like I can go further I will, but make no mistake, I will not sacrifice NUMBERS for my health.

My next goal was to get in more exercise and I am doing this daily. I started walking more, bought a spin bike, and a fit bit. I am all over this challenge. I even started tracking my food again. Not really eating as a DIET because I still eat what I want just making sure that I do not put more in than I expend and that I get enough for what I am doing. You have to eat calories to burn them. I tend to be in starvation mode quite often, especially because I skip breakfast A LOT.

My final goals are making sure that I continue to keep my bucket list STRONG! I am still working on checking things off that list. I have travel dates set for going to Europe and I am almost to my 50 book reading goal for the year and I will be checking off a few more things as well. I am totally psyched!

Annual Bucket List: 2016

Do a local bike race- spin bike is getting me ready
get yoga mat/basic training
Visit wizarding world of Harry Potter- I will do this in London
Read 50 books — at 43 books almost done but I won’t stop there
Buy a Go Pro
Go Sky Diving
Go to a State I have not been to before
Go to 5th Cirque Du Soliel Performance- have to go out of state thanks to HB2 chaos
Paint Pottery
Throw Pottery (as in make my on pottery)
Decorate my house for fall
Decorate my house for Christmas
Take a romantic trip with my husband
Volunteer with a charity monthly
Take a culinary class
Go swimming (you would be amazed that since being diagnosed with MG I have not swam once because I have started to have fear that it would become over exterted and not be able to get out of the water….says the former lifeguard and scuba certified person)
Be sling shot (it a weird bungee course thing that looks like a giant sling shot)
Go to Canada


Master Bucket List

Write a book- In the process
Have a baby/ adopt a child
Create a Charity
Run a business
Travel overseas like a nomad (England, France, Italy, etc)- Scheduled for Sept.2016
Go to Disneyland
Go to a bioluminscent bay
Have my music music produced and perform it
Help Find a Cure for MG
Go to Alaska- see the Northern Lights
Pose for a sexy calendar

SENSELESS

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Staring into the emptiness

No thoughts no words no dreams in the day

Catatonic

Lips stitched together with the invisible sinew of the pharaohs

Crying out for an explanation

For something anything that makes sense

The world folds in on me in a labyrinth of contrasting light and dark

I sit blinded, unable to adjust

Wishing to get up but an anchor weighs my heart and body to its spot

The captain steers me

My head turns, my teeth appear, and my lips turn upward at the the corners

I nod my head toward someone and move my hands over a flat surface and screen

Then the captain takes me into a room and he lets water run down my face

The Dam Breaks (She Wept)

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Daydreamer dreaming about dreams

Dreaming about life

A life that has escaped her

A laugh-less house

A house void of the pitter patter of litter feet

A house that never became a home

Built on cracked glass waiting to burst into a shrapnel

Impaling and then poisoning every aspect of her life

Believing that she have nothing left to give

Nothing left do

She can’t meltdown

Crying seems an abstract thought, she is beyond that

She is angry

Days go by, weeks, months

Then she is calm, too calm

She is thinking about the hurt that was caused

The missed opportunities, past and future

She must start over

But time is not her friend and she honestly does not want to

She blames herself for everything

She finally allows the demon in

It reaps her soul and ravages her very being

So She WEPT