So today I went to the doctor to get my thyroid tested. Last year at this time my thyroid was borderline overactive at 0.0306 or something like that. However, this year with everything I named with my super dry skin for over a year, hair issues, and severe weight gain they are checking this to see if the opposite is now true. He has also put me on a fluid pill though because I have a strange but slight edema which has just presented itself though my diet has not changed nor have my meds. So I pray that now I do not have a drastic weight loss as my body tends to do things immediately when I least expect it, LOL. Most women and people would be excited about these things, but when you have an illness or you buy clothes this is not always the case. This happened before my wedding too. I told them I would drop a lot of weight and they did not believe me and would NOT order the dress in the size I asked…I dropped 6 dress sizes before my wedding. 1 size happened the week before the wedding while the dress was in alterations when I wasn’t even working out. I was mortified. Luckily I had a corset dress and could tie it a bit tighter but I was not amused at the fact that it was tight in one area that made it look like I had strange back fat spilling over the top just to hold the durn dress up because it kept trying to fall off me during my wedding. Most people did not notice but I did! I think only after a few hours did this actually occur but I still was the one who noticed and did not want pictures of it.
Regardless, I have hope for the weight loss (which I know will come) but I a praying that I do not have to buy all new clothes AGAIN! That gets old really quick! I am not use to the yo yo weight loss thing. I am use to maintaining my weight well and have for about 2 years so I am fairly ticked right now! UGH! Even the dr. was stumped. He was like, ‘ you came in here 3 years ago almost 260 lbs and last years you were 224 and now you are almost 242″ (which when I weighed 2 weeks ago it was 246 by the other dr. office) and when I saw I you in July you were 231. I was like Yep! I was like the only reason I gained weight it because I was hospitalized and 3 times and then intubation which physically SCARRED me leaving me with tracheal stenosis (which I later had surgery to fix) causing me the inability to workout for 7 months and I still maintained did well with my weight only gain 7 lbs in 18. So with that said I will add that now that I can workout why am I not losing weight…So yea the concern is real.
He is also checking my kidney function which is valid even though I know it has been checked several times in the last year thanks to my kidney stones but I will not stop him because any perspective is good when it comes to that since no one still knows why I had so many and back to back. Having to have surgery for those bad boys was not fun!
Moreover, he is also checking my electrolyte levels! He wants to be sure that everything is balanced. For me a creature of habit when it comes to some things (SOME) this is quite puzzling. So we must get to the bottom of things! I will keep you guys posted. The results should be in on Monday or Tuesday!
There are times that we feel most confident and then there are times that we are at our most vulnerable and sometimes for the silliest moments of doubt and we pray no one saw us jump at our shadow! I have to admit I have been having a few of these moments lately. Not the I have been watching scary movies and you walked up behind me and scared me to the moon and back moment but the did I see something peeking from around the corner of that wall just a second ago moment…(and more importantly did you see it too).
We all want to validated in these moments and then we feel better. However, when we are not we feel even more vulnerable, or dare I say off kilter. The worry comes from a bit of anxiety of past issues and not really trusting if I am getting better with my MG, my tracheal stenosis, and with my anemia, among other things. I start to wonder if these things are coming back when in fact they usually are not it is just stress playing tricks on my mind or causing me to have a slight exacerbated symptom for a short period and giving the illusion of such. For example, MG causes breathing or swallowing difficulties as it is so it can e hard to know if I am having an issue with tracheal stenosis or narrowing of the windpipe at that time which I had surgery to fix. I get nervous wondering if it was actually fixed. However, when I am calm my rational mind says, you have not had any real problems like before and you have been able to breathe just fine. It is like just your MG having a bit of a flare with stress and you have an appointment for your follow-up for the tracheal surgery next week so RELAX. But that is easier said than done, lol. But I have to have these little talks to help myself. I have to pray often. But sometimes I feel as though there is something creepy lurking around that corner just in my peripheral and I wonder if anyone else saw it! I just want someone else to say yeah, but then when it’s nothing I’m like you didn’t see anything so why did you say yes? LOL (but secretly I’m glad that they were on my side sometimes, hehehe! Luckily I know who to go to for the real truth and the bandwagon truth.
I believe that my anginophobia may be ebbing. It could be because I had such a great experience with my trachea surgery Tuesday or it could be because I have a great ENT doctor/surgeon but when he said that my surgery was a success and that IF it didn’t ‘take’ it would mean surgery again in 2 years at the least. I was actually pretty content with that. I was shocked. I was calm and not sweaty told myself right then I could do it if he was the one doing the surgery.
He was well aware of my Myasthenia Gravis, he handled me with great care and respect, he was efficient, and he was very honest with me. It was refreshing and made me feel a sort of relief that I have never been ever to feel in regards to neck/ throat surgeries. I have never even been able to talk about throat surgeries without anxiety, or even been able to hear everything the doctor was saying without feeling as if I was in a tunnel hearing echos. The calm is a new feeling and I am enjoying it!
Moreover, since the surgery I have have ebbing feelings of anginophobia when I have to cough to clear my throat. I have not felt as if I would not breathe again. Only on the first day or 2 did I have it. Since then I have become extremely confident that it is indeed all in my head. Especially after seeing the pictures of how much my throat has opened up. My throat had closed to the sized of a dime from the scarring and after the surgery it is now about the size of 50 cent piece. That visualization makes me feel more at ease. A weight is being lifted off my shoulders!
I wanted to give you guys a quick update between cat naps and pain killers. The surgery went a million times better than I could have expected and that eased my phobia as well as all the support my friends, family, and you guys gave in the last few weeks. I even used less anxiety meds going in than usual so I feel great knowing my anginophobia is getting better. It doesn’t hurt to have only gotten 2.5-3 hours of sleep the night before due to my barking dog, lol.
Though I have been nervous, there have been no choking issues thus far and few swallowing issues. We have been managing pain well and the doctors were so helpful before leaving the hospital today I feel pretty confident we will have an early recovery. I can even talk a bit today. I will definitely be smaller after this week with all the soft foods and fluids, lol.
I feel like a huge relieve is off my shoulders even though there are still 2 week’s before I am considered ‘fully’ recovered.
We live in a world that moves at high speed. Everything is right at our fingertips or we can drive right up to it. We are always moving and never in one place for too long. It’s a wonder how any of us are sedentary or overweight sometimes. I am no exception to this, I find that sometimes I move so much that I burn the candle at both ends. This was all well and good before MG (well not really) but it is really horrible now.
I have a new symptom when I am too busy to slow down, I call it the rainbows, lol. I recently in the last 2-3 weeks have developed an added vision problem of seeing aura type rainbows around lights with a bit of fogginess/ haze about everything like allergies. It sucks! At first I was not sure what was going on, only that I did not feel well. I had not quite realized that it was because I was not only tired, but had been missing meals. However, at my job I am so busy with members or the work I am doing I am always getting distracted or pulled away just before I can grab something to eat. And since I do not have a lunch hour, I have to eat ‘around’ the members.
I try to eat in my office with the door closed, but they come and knock on the door and ask you to do things anyway even when they see you mid-bite (can you please show me how this or that works…after bypassing 2 other staff members). Moreover, I found that I had gotten out of my routine of preparing my lunch the night before and trying to have snacks on hand for breakfast and throughout the day.
Then the rainbows started after several days of not eating properly and running around so much. The rainbows are like when you go to the pool and open your eyes in the chlorine and then look up at the lights. The extreme heat may have also played a factor as well as the tracheal stenosis, LOL. However, I am going to assume it was mostly eating, for as soon as I ate within 30 minutes the rainbows and fog would go away. I have to continue to take care of myself.
I have been so anxious about this surgery coming up I have just tried to keep busy and obviously forgetting things like eating has proven how nervous and anxious I am about it tomorrow. I am ready for it to be over but quite scared. I am ready to say I no longer have tracheal stenosis but nervous/ scared because of my anginophobia. Wish me luck! I will keep you guys posted…I have some posts prepared for tomorrow as I may not be that up to regular posts but I will try to put up a quick status in the mean time.
So i have surgery next week and usually that would not bother me except its THE surgery triggers my anginophobia. It is a surgery that fix my tracheal stenosis that was caused 7 months ago that was just found last month that has been causing issues for 7 months and everyone somewhat ignored. So now the problem is getting fixed yay right..no!!! The problem is me getting over the anxiety of feeling panicked of feeling suffocated. Each day that gets closer I happier this is closer to being fixed and ready to be on the other side and ready to be back to normal. Then I get more anxious because I am thinking it’s almost that DAY. The day or moment of DOOM.
This constant battle is draining me. The stress is causing some symptoms to catch me off guard but I am actually handling way better than I thought I would. I think partially because I have my plasmapharesis treatments now to make sure I am strong enough for the surgery next week and because I have my family, friends, and blogs to help. I am also trying to keep myself busy, but it is messing with my sleep. I thought my husband was too blame, but that was only partly. I have struggling to sleep because of my anxiety. I cannot get it under control so I am dealing with my anxiety flaring up again.
Only 5 days to go! I can do this! I have no choice, but I know it has to be easier than this! I have to dissociate better than this! I have a fun-filled weekend and 2 more working days (tomorrow and Monday). Hopefully I can get my mind somewhere else.