The TUG of WAR

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I have been battling the biggest battle of tug of war in my life and it is all within myself. Usually we struggle with good and bad or right and wrong. However, sometimes things are not that clear cut and black and white. Sometimes they are what is right for you at that time…If you pray on it enough, it will be right for all parties eventually.

The struggle I have been having was that AT FIRST, I was finding it hard to even pray over the situation. Now I can at least find comfort in God again. This definitely makes me feel better about things. However, I am still fighting an inner struggle as I have an issue of trust between me and the relationship that is in question.

When you lose trust, you wonder if you even want allow yourself to try again with the person if they have been given many opportunities as a friend or lover and they continue to take it for granted as if you HAVE to STAY there. You start saying things like I could text them and ask them how their day was? Or ask about their family? Or ask them their plans for the weekend…Then you say well it works both ways and I have been the only one doing this before and then I got nothing. You wonder if you are being selfish, childish, teaching them a lesson, or punishing them. You wonder if you are giving trust where they do not deserve it.

Then you wonder if you give this small token and try again will they assume everything is back to normal and begin where they left off…making you feel less than what you are, disrespected, friendless, alone, lied to perhaps and a bevy of other emotions and epitaphs.

So then you ask, why would I, or anyone else have this huge tug of war and not just cut the person off? If only it were that easy. We all say it is that easy. But it is always easier said than done until it is you and it takes you longer than normal to realize it was you getting taken advantage of. When I was younger it used to take me a long time to realize it. Then I got smart and would cut people loose before either of us were really attached and therefore I never really felt a loss. However, now as I age I have found that sometimes, those that you keep in your life  longer than a season may be catfishing you.

They make you think they belong when in fact they do not. Moreover, those that are ‘supposed’ to be in your life for the long haul and grow with you can be so taxing that sometimes you still have to let them go because their growth is more like a leech. With God this growth may be harder but it should still work; however, you get people who are so negative and venomous and not ready for change that they suck all the good qualities right out of you and you struggle to get back to being the person you were and they do not know how to give anything back to YOU to help you once they have used you all up and become better for themselves.

The funny part is rarely do ‘friends’ that you must cut off ever really fight to stay in your life once you decide to cut them loose because they got everything out of you that they wanted. However, this time I guess the reason I am struggling so much is because this person is actually fighting to stay in my life. Again considering that I am not related to the person, this says a lot, but it also says that I can still cut them loose at anytime to protect me from further harm. No one deserves to feel as though they are being forced to stay in a relationship out of obligation no matter the type of relationship.

Sometimes the obligations come in the form of duties such as children if you are married, or if you are friends the fact that you have known each other since elementary school, or because they saved your life or helped you through a difficult time in your life. However, we all can outgrow someone and you do not have to stay becasue of those things. Even children. You can still make arrangements and be amicable for the the sake of the kids but live your own lives separately for happiness.

I still have not made a decision and it have been a few weeks dealing with this struggle. Obviously there are other reasons involved that I would rather not divulge at this point. However, I will say that since the trust was broken, I feel I have a right to take my time making my decision and that it’s ok for me to feel this way right now. I believe it is normal for me feel torn between wanting things to be right but not being ready to let this person back in yet since they hurt me and have not proven themselves worthy of trust yet. They have not earned it back and I do not feel ready to begin showing even small strides on the levels that I know I could do because I do not want WANT to. I just feel that is not fair to give that person what they desire when I have been lacking for so long and then as they try to give it now, it feels its only because they have screwed up and are losing me…This may not be, they may truly have learned their lesson but I need to see this change indefinitely before or at least consistently for longer than a few weeks before I make any movement on my part.

I know this sounds a bit harsh and even down right stubborn but, when you are talking about matters of the heart, one grows tired of being hurt and in and pain and will do whatever it takes to prevent it from happening again! I hope am able to get to a point of forgiveness for myself or the person for my own sanity! However, this does not mean that the person gets to ‘stay in my life’ just because I forgive them, only that I have found peace and can coincide with them amicably and move on.

 

Mastery of Life and Career

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So when I was in psychology courses during my masters programs it taught me that when given gradually increasing responsibility and autonomy that one gains mastery over their environment, job, and requires increasing challenges to become an expert. Many studies proved this point. It is partly due to the intrinsic nature of what they are doing and the trust they are given. This requires a certain amount of trust on both the employee’s part and the employer’s side. The employee must prove that they can handle the responsibility and be trusted to do the work and if they cannot handle it, that they can use the resources around them to find the solution. Moreover, they have to be trusted to actually be doing work when not being supervised.

On the behalf of the employer, one has to be trusted to give rules and expect the employee to stay in those bounds and not micromanage. They must also be fair in pay and dealing when giving out responsibility based on scope of work and so on.

I believe this is true in a relationship as well. We need to understand that control works both ways just as within a career. One needs to be able to control one’s job just as they would a relationship. Each individual has to control what they allow to stress them by creating rules and boundaries. Moreover, each person needs to do a lot of observing.

You could have a spouse that is so use to others in their past that were so all over them always asking where they were  (or even you) that when you learn to stop doing it that they EXPECT IT. SO when you stop and learn control and patience they actually have a problem with it. They start believing you no longer care.  Because they associated that behavior with you caring for them. When in fact it was insecurity and you learning how to be more secure and enjoying life more with yourself (learning to be at ease alone…not clingy or being more trusting).

For me, once my husband got a car of his own when we were dating and learned that I did not like him being out all hours of the night and started keeping normal hours, he no longer got crazy phone call from me. He then could not understand why I did not blow up his phone. I say because I know where you are and unless you lied I assume you are fine and I have other things to be doing right now. It’s not that I do not care but, you said that is where you would be and I believe you and have no reason to be worried because you are busy right!?! It baffled him. My dad says man you just do not care! But I think it is because he has had similar dealings with my mom and over the years she has become the same way. LOL! We are trusting you to be doing what you said, and as an added bonus we have learned to be extremely happy doing something else while our busy husband are elsewhere since they work SO MANY HOURS and are so busy and now you are interrupting that now let me get back to my book, wine, nap, blogging, friends, crafting, or other activity I have found to do, LOL.

I also use to say good morning to him almost every morning before we started dating and when we first started dating and send him silly messages. But he was always too busy or focused on someone or something else to answer. Unless you really just do not look at your phone all day because it has to stay away (which is my day most days) it takes 10 seconds to respond and say hi or say I love you back or something silly. But he would ignore it. So now I do it too him sometimes and he gets to see how it feels and I said it doesn’t feel too good does it. You did it too me for 2 years. I am just giving you a taste and you can barely handle it.

I have learned this much about observing my husband, he like any man is sensitive. They try to pretend that they are STONE. But they are not. They are soft as pudding. They show you in a million ways when their feelings are hurt by acting out. They can be just as moody as women but then deny it. I do not baby and coddle my husband but he has learned to stop saying to me the next time I am doing something show me because I will. Now he knows every mood. He is fully aware now, LOL. However, I do not rub things in face (ok not as much). I try to let him work things out for himself and mature in that nature. However, it needs to be in growth. Just as with a career, we have to learn that we cannot just shut down and ignore our colleague or boss because we are upset with them. Especially in the case of being upset with your boss you have to learn to find ways to work in the same space with them while working through your anger, so you learn skills that will get you through the moment. If it’s breathing in 6 counts, holding it for 4 counts, and letting it out for 10; taking a short walk; changing the subject if possible; talking through your anger; finding your happy place (envisioning a place of serenity).

Are you the master of your life?

Dominant Independence to Vulnerability: Letting Go

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Life really knows how to throw some turns your way. I have always been as someone who was/ is strong and independent. However, once being diagnosed with MG those who know me well know that I have severe moments of vulnerability that have broken me down to that of a newborn babe to explain to terms that are completely adequate. I have been on breathing tubes, intubated, and feeding tubes. I have needed someone to wash me, catheters to help with lavatory needs, and people to help me re-learn how to speak, walk, and function each time I have a crisis.

When you go from one extreme of personality to the next it can really take it’s toll on you. You have to trust people, and not only do trust them but trust that they love you and understand what to do with this this love and trust. However, I have recently learned that sometimes people who I have given this trust during these vulnerable times have not really known what to do with it and therefore I feel they have misused it and for lack of a better word crapped on it. I feel they have taken it for granted and not realized that when someone is that vulnerable they can also become very easily changed in an instant based on how you treat them in those instances if they realized you have not treated them well during those times.

I have had friends that I trusted to care for me in some ways during this time whether it was as small as a phone call to check on me or as big as a helping me move. If they could not commit, they had to go because I trusted them to keep their promises and commit. I was extremely vulnerable and communication is everything during these times.

The same is said of family and spouses. I cannot go on pretending that people want to be in my life if they do not. I cannot allow people to be in my life out of convenience to THEM. I have far too much going on for such things. You have to choose to be in or out! But if you are in, my thought is that it must be a two way street where both parties are always trying to some extent and that this is communicated on in some way no matter how vague. Even if it’s the, “I trust you to be the friend that flakes” friend. I’m just saying everything has to have it’s standard and communication is the key. So with that said…when communication has failed, trust fails, and love hangs in the balance if it was ever there in the first place.

We must be careful of what we show people, because actions speak louder than words. Lip service has become the norm in society. We tend to say things before thinking, and though we sometimes mean well, people take our word for it becasue they want to believe the good in us. So then when it does not come to fruition they are left with disappointment and when this becomes a pattern and the norm what are you to them? Why do you speak? Why should anyone believe anything you say? Your word is no good! Your actions may speak louder, but if they only happen at your timing and sporadically people cannot find pattern in this nor comfort, so why trust in you? When someone is vulnerable they need stability and they need to be able to trust others. If they cannot trust in someone and know that you are a stable person, why are you there?

Will you find yourself being a selfish person standing in the way of someone’s healing, love, and stability because you refuse to see who you are? Know who you are and grow! It took me a long time to be okay being vulnerable and even longer to know that it was okay to put people out my life that had been there for so long that were no longer contributing to it. Can you do the same?

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The Wolf Crier

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Trust is a fickle thing. sometimes we give it willingly and sometimes we guard it like the most precious and prized possession of the ages. There are times in which we cannot decipher when is the best way to be with it. I have learned that there are those I trust to be the ones I cannot trust. It is funny to say that but it is true. For example, if I say to my one friend a ‘secret’ I know her to be the one that is without a fact not going to be able to keep that secret, lol. I cannot hold it against knowing that about her. It is my own fault if I tell her after knowing her. It was only her fault the first time or two. After that the fault lies in me for continuing to tell her secrets knowing she cannot hold my deepest secrets.

Then there are the ones that I trust to tell you anything you want to hear. Not always on purpose but because again it is just their nature. They are what I call the people who cry wolf. They are the ones who make empty promises the ones we call flakes. They will say to you things on a whim and mean well but then never really intend to keep their word. They want to do these things in their heart or would like to be the one who does them and are actually capable of doing these things, but will not actually take the time to do them.

These are the ones are tend to annoy me sometimes more than they should because I sometimes forget their nature because they are good people. Not just because I inherently think this about people but because they actually are after knowing them and from others that know them. They tend to be yes people and want to please other people and then in the end they say yes but only follow through minimally to those closest to them and give their all to those who may ‘recognize’ their efforts like their bosses.

I have seen this in some friends who are dearest to me. I am shocked when I meet coworkers of theirs that say they are the hardest workers they have ever seen, yet I know them to be the biggest flakes at home with both family and friends EVER. I mean every family event (intimate encounters included) and gatherings with friends…what’s that? Moreover, did you say you would do a favor for someone? When? Yeah that is not going to happen EVER! You better get it in writing and SUE, LMBO. I mean it’s sad that I have labeled some of my friends and family as people who I never believe to do what they say they will because they have fallen into this category.

Many of my friends can be found in this category because they are workaholics and flakes otherwise. I find this because we find challenges encouraging and have to learn to embrace social situations as necessary and healthy as we age. Moreover, we also need to understand that crying wolf is also not something we want to be known for. We have to start making good on our promises no matter how small. I have been VERY guilty of this over the years and have been trying to do better in the last year. It has been a big goal of mine. Trying not to whimsically throw out WORDS to satiate people. Because they remember and then you look like a jerk when you don’t deliver. I now see that! I have now been on both sides and I get it! Don’t be a WOLF CRIER! Make good on your promises!