Silent Fears and Frustrations…Part 1

So I have grown to learn that we all have something that we are afraid of. I use to think I was so fearless and I think that comes with this things called our teenage years and 20’s. Then we get a bit older and realize with our responsibilities and threat of death that we are indeed afraid of things that we may never have been afraid of before…But the fear mya have always been there.

For example, you may have told your friends when you were younger that you were not afraid of frogs but then you relaize as an adult that you do have a strange fear of them. You wonder how this was possible that you never had the strange irrational fear they your friend did when they were younger running and screaming as children. Then you realize it was because you never really encountered any or that you did not have that traumatic encounter until you were an adult (stepping on the frog and almost slipping and falling on it). The latter would be me. I stepped on a frog and since then when I see one I can watch it, and stare at in an enclosure, but I give them an unnaturally wide girth when I see them in the ‘wild’. I have no desire for that to happen again. For some reason that experience freaked me out and I just can’t deal with frogs the same again.

Next came my fixation with needing to not only do my job but do it the best I could. It wasn’t about sucking up as some people may have seen it, but about trying to figure out the best way to do my job the most efficiently without having to do twice the work. I wanted to create my own best practices for myself in a sense. So it was a frustration for myself when I failed or got behind on my work…When I say behind the deadline usually had not come yet it would still be a ways off but it was past my personal deadline of when I wanted it done. I prefer to get things done 1-2 weeks ahead of schedule s that if something is a team effort or someone else relies on me to get my information done so that they can glean information from me for their reports they will have it in time. Moreover, If it is a project they can because I get them done so early so they can look at them and tell me what modifications they would like so they can still be done in the original time frame.

So for me it’s part of the organization fun but it also helps take some of the stress off my mind to know it is done in advance. It has nothing to do with sucking up. But the problem comes in when I care too much about what others think, or care about when it comes to when I need a break. I care so much that I let others take time off, or worry about what they will do when I am not there and how it will affect them. My friends and some family say you should not because they do not do that for you but some do. They change their schedules for my treatment and work around me when I feel ill when and do not create a hostile environment for me because of it. However, I get what they are saying and I have to start remembering what psychologists and governing bodies of some of our other countries have been saying for years; vacation is not a luxury it is a necessity. You need it to recharge. Some countries offer up 30 days of vacation per year and that has nothing to do with a graduated service to the employer that is just standard…I mean seriously and that doesn’t even include the paid holidays. I feel like I truly need to become European people. If they take me…A visit is one thing, staying is a different matter altogether, LOL.

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Stay tuned for part 2 of my fears and frustrations…yea there’s more, LOL

 

I’m Ready! I’m Ready! I’m Ready!

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I am telling I can hardly believe it, I am so in countdown mode. Though this is bigger than sitting at home but smaller than my trip to London I am telling you the excitement is the same right now. I have not had a real vacation in so long it matters not. I need this vacation like fish need water. This vacation could have been a stay-cation and I would have been just as relived but I am glad to be getting away for a bit too, because I really wanted to visit a few people. I can explore anywhere, seeing family is special!

I am 5 days away! I could not be happier! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and see the anxiety like a nesting doll that I can remove layer by layer until I get to the very concentrated center that holds most delicate and detailed center! It’s like I can be ok to expose that raw emotion at that point because I have deserved it and the hard shell can finally come off and the center of me can finally enjoy ‘herself’ with no regrets or issues.

My symptoms are there are variable right now but they are manageable and I are steadily getting closer to my 12 week goal so all in all I pretty happy.

Halloween brings Christmas

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Well as usual we get through Halloween and know that as soon as the day comes the next day will bring Christmas! Kids no longer say thanksgiving is next they only know that on television every toy they want is advertised and Santa is everywhere and well why try to tell them anything different. The stores changed their whole design overnight, LITERALLY, so that this is the case. To go from Halloween to Christmas. They feel there are no real thanksgiving songs or ambassadors like Santa or the Easter bunny so you aren’t really missing out anyway right!?! SO sadly it’s unless you are older and desire to see family, want toe vacation, desire the glorious foods, or truly want to give thanks for all that you still have that year you could care less about Thanksgiving!

I personally enjoy thanksgiving because I like to make a dish or two each year now and see how people enjoy it! I am glad to see my dishes finished off. I have started to make 2 of the same dish at home so that I can have it when I get home too. I have learned that sometimes I don’t get enough of it with my family if at all or that sometimes I just plain want MORE it was so good! This year I have to actually make a choice of what I want to cook since I have bought this new cookbook of crockpot recipes. I have already made several and so far I have loved them all. I know one is very thanksgiving oriented and then there I am trying to decide if I will do a desert as well.

I am excited! I won’t have that much time though since I will be traveling and returning from vacation just hours before thanksgiving this year so I need to be sure I have it all together ahead of time (the more thanksgiving parts so they are sold out). I’m so glad my MG is under control so I can eat as I wish without swallowing issues!

I still cannot believe it is November already!

Skinwalkers…Who Is This In My Body?

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Do you ever get that feeling that when you look in the mirror you just do not recognize the person you are looking at? Or even when you are not looking in the mirror, you simply do not feel like you? You walk around in a haze and though you have a few moments per day or week or month that feel like you you just feel weird and out of touch? I have been feeling like this a lot lately. When it use to happen to me in the past I attributed it to my weight loss or the changes my body went through thanks to MG. However, now I know it has to do more with my anxiety as I have done more research and stop ignoring the fact that it does play more of a role in my life than I have been giving credit for it.

Though I tried to ignore it for so many years and say how controlled it was…It was not and caused some issues in relationships and with my comfort in general with myself. I have found that I seriously can retreat into myself and perfectly fine there WAY too long until I forget how to interact appropriately in so groups. Or at least that is how I feel. I start to desire less and less the desire to be around anyone that includes my poor husband. I would rather it just me and when I have him my pup. I always enjoy his company. I can read, play games, and watch anime all day. I don’t feel sad or lonely I just feel at peace. Some people would say this is a sign of depression, but I get up, go to work, get work done, shower, eat, and still manage my household, but just prefer to be alone and do things that only require me and appeal to me because I have get used to it.

I feel as if I have been ‘forced to it by being shunned, ignored, forgotten, or life happened’ so often that I have just gotten comfortable being by myself. I know that may sound horrible sometimes but that’s when I get the feeling that I don’t always recognize who I am. This is because I am use to being what others call ‘overly cheery’ and bubbly so when I am just happy or average like this it concerns them. It concerns me too at times but then I feel like in a way it because they have put me off so much in a way its sort of their fault, LOL. I look in the mirror and say who is this person who is staring at me? She looks like me but she is missing something…Its my spark! She is missing her social spark, that connection to people! That need to want to reach out and see how others are! To check in and see how what they have been up to. This is something I do whether they do it for me or not, yet I have been doing it less and less because I have become busy, more jaded, and guarded even.

I was always the first to do this since I could ever remember and recently in the last year I can say I just started to fall off. At first I use to care and even feel guilty, now I don’t even feel as guilty anymore because these same people do not check on me or are just as busy and therefore we all have our lives to live and catch up when we can. Yet I seem to be the only one in such a weird head space and I think part of that has to do with me not being as social and not being exactly where I want to be in life (still wanting children) so I’m still omitted from that special part of the my most of my friend’s lives.

They invite me to baby showers and kid’s birthday parties but since I have no kids I always feel a bit awkward. Then moreover, I cannot always hang with them as much as I like because they have kid things and I have no kids to help distract their kids (a play date) so it’s hard to have adult conversations. So we end up playing with them more than anything or they have to more involved in ‘parenting’ while we try to talk than they want to.

So all in all! I feel left out of a lot of situations! The last of the mohicans. I love children and will play with them and animals in a room before talking to most adults…However, right now I just feel like I am not comfortable with where I am and I am not sure how to change that until I get there. I still have to wait for my doctor’s clearance to have children which the wait is rough. And every time someone asks when are you going to have children especially someone I have explained this too a million times I want to slap them. Moreover, I feel that is a question that people need to stop asking women. Seriously! Ask them do they want children or do they have children and then if they want to expound on the subject they will.

Hopefully soon I will snap out of this again. I usually do at some point but right now I feel like a slave to these feelings! I am praying my vacation will free me of these feelings!

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