I will be the first to say that I curse at times but it is not often. I found that I did it around some people more than others and it was more of a peer pressure (fitting in) sort of thing. I found that when I am not around them it simply does not happen, and I prefer it. So then I realized maybe I should limit my time around these people. I also realized that profanity is not just the four letter words that one drops but the concepts and ideas that one holds about life. The obscene views one holds.

The sad part was that some of them were family. However, I refused to feel as if I had to prove myself to be something I was not to be around them. I felt like every time I was around them I was not enough for this small particular group of individuals. Mind you this is not my whole family just a select few. I found that they spoke pretty of ill of me behind my back and I stupidly kept trying to force a bond between myself and them. Only to find later it was in vain. They thought I was to ‘uppity’ and that I looked down on them. However, the truth was that I truly saw more potential and would try help. Only to learn that after being taken advantage of like the new member meeting them that I was the fool.

So I stopped and that’s why I was being talked about. Because I refused to keep being taken advantage of. I refused to continue to keep reaching out when it was not a two way street. I was doing all the reaching out to some and some would never reach out to me. So I quit reaching out. Not out of spite, but out of necessity for my fragile heart and then because my health problems just did not allow me to keep up with them.

The funny part was that they still did not check on me even then. So I keep to myself and reach out to those who wish for me to and we have healthy non profane relationships. We catch up and I still send my love to the rest of the family regardless if they care or not (which I always hope they do). I have learned how to better control my profane acts. Moreover, I will say that when a person makes a change they have relapses and they must make a plan to recover and get back on the boat. I do not have these often but when it happens it is usually in moments of anger or extreme depression and I will say that my best way to recover is remember that it is only temporary and that I have come to far and accomplished too many wonderful things to go back to that life.