I am proud of all that I have accomplished! I know that seems very obtuse but sometimes I feel that I do not reflect enough and I get stuck on feelings of “i never will get anywhere or I still haven’t done this or that”. Then I have to remember that I have done so much already in my 30 short years. I have earned 2 masters degrees in that time while simultaneously holding a full-time job. Yea many people may do this but I did it too. I have had many adventures and traveled out of the country twice to 3 places. I am scuba certified. I enjoy the great depths of the ocean and the highest dwellings of the sky while bungee jumping and the like. I love adrenaline rushes. I have been to many odd places that are out of the ordinary just to say I have done it. I have also tried odd jobs and enjoyed them. This includes all the sports I participated in, the fine arts, and so on! I am most proud of those things and will continue to remember that I have accomplished a lot and have way more to accomplish which is why I am making annual bucket list now. Life is too short to be stagnant, bored, and hermit like! You must enjoy it and reflect on those memories and say you have something to be proud of and I am!
Have an amazing day! Remember, don’t let your anxiety control you! You are in control!
Source: Happy Wednesday!
I was nominated for this award by the cool yet snarky Kerri Williams From Bipolar to Happiness, and I want to thank you for that. I greatly appreciate these awards even though I know some of you are like why on earth do people keep handing these out they are so cheesy, but I’m cheese ball and they make me feel wonderful and I feel they really uplift others!
Firstly, the rules:
- Thank the person who nominated you;
- Answer the 11 questions set out by the nominator;
- Nominate 11 followers to receive this award and ask them 11 questions.
I liked Kerri’s questions so much I want to answer them and then ask the same ones of my nominees…
- Dogs or cats? Dogs
- Favourite movie? the labyrinth, hands down
- Favourite actor? that’s a tough one, ugh, but I will watch anything with robing williams, LL cool J or Charlize Theron
- What type of music do you listen to? Neosoul and Gospel mostly
- Are you scared of the dentist? not really I have a really good and gentle dentist that has reformed my opinion of dentists
- Do you have any phobias? yep I have Anginophobia, fear of being choked/ choking due to having MG and several surgeries that they did not put me to sleep for that were near or on my neck/ throat and feeling that pressure while having a build up of mucus and choking on my mucus and needing suction…so not really irrational or unfounded…
- Fruit or vegetables? fruits I like the sweet tastes and the juiciness that comes with them
- Do you have any allergies? YEPPERS…Penicillian, Bees, Latex, and some meds
- Where in the world do you live? The U.S. in North Carolina
- What is your favourite book? Man I have to pick just ONE AHHHH. I guess I will go back to the one I still remember the most and still love and will probably read to my kids when I have some. It’s called I will Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. I used to read it over and over when I was younger and try to sing it to myself when I was younger like I thought it should be done.
- What is your favourite past or present tv program? A different World because I wanted to live their life in college. It seemed so cool. Then I wondered how real it was. Then I missed the program for years. When I started watching the reruns of it years after it ended I was like yep these things definitely happened to me and that was so real, LOL. It made me reminisce.
OK Nominees Your Turn, so upon accepting this award please answer the questions below:
- Dogs or cats?
- Favourite movie?
- Favourite actor?
- What type of music do you listen to?
- Are you scared of the dentist?
- Do you have any phobias?
- Fruit or vegetables?
- Do you have any allergies?
- Where in the world do you live?
- What is your favourite book?
- What is your favourite past or present tv program?
Something I love to wear is a Hat I love hats and though I do not get to wear them as often now as I did when I was in college, I collect them and have many different caps. I even have personalized ones and with my nickname on it and that has waves on it and is my favorite shade of blue. I don’t wear them as often anymore because I am not allowed to wear hats at work because they are not part of our ‘uniform’. then I got so use to having not wearing them that I almost forgot about them. I traded off for a while while and went to my old favorite, my hoodies. Recently I got back into my hats again. Matching them to my outfits and relaxing on the weekends. Especially with the 5+ days of rain we are experiencing. I am enjoying ‘shopping’ in my hat aisle and going down memory lane. I think I will have to go buy some more soon just because. It has been over a year since I have bought a new hat. That is far too long.
As a wellness professional and a fitness instructor I definitely empathize and have learned all of this the hard way! I hope this article helps someone else out there maybe before they make the mistakes or comforts them if they have made these mistakes. It does get better and you will learn and bounce back.
SO many of you know that I suffer from anxiety. I have most of my life and was not diagnosed until I was 15. This came at a time when I felt like I was drowning in my anxiety. Many teenagers feel like this however. I was finally at a point where I could not always control how I felt. I had outbursts of crying, rage, and just retreated into myself. Most of my friends would not see it but the people I dated saw it often. Heck these poor guys probably thought I was bananas! My poor journal read like a manic harpy and I was constantly thinking of running away or some scenario that would bring the world to remember me as well as some tragic way hand print to leave on my mom. Oh the epic fight of mother and daughter. When I think of it now it seriously makes me laugh so hard I cry! I remember sitting in my room and fuming for hours of how one day I would just curse out real good, LOL. I thought one time secretly of slapping her. But I took it back instantly. If you ever met my mom she is a very VERY thin woman. I feared ever hitting her because I knew I could probably really hurt her or worse and I didn’t want to do that. Just make her mad or make her see my point and back down. Make her see I was right…Though I rarely was back then. The only department I may have been right in was maybe having a bit more attention instead of the negative reinforcing attention my brother got for being bad.
My anxiety seemed to stem from very young. My biological mother (whom I also call mom) is a recovering drug addict. She has been sober for over 9 years and I am the proudest cheerleader for her! However, when I was toddler and she was going through her addiction she did some less than favorable things which included abuse/ neglect by legal terms. The best decision she made while trying to find herself and then eventually becoming sober was hand guardianship over to her aunt and uncle whom I call mom and dad. There may be some anxiety stemming from this however I think that most of it comes from this next bit. My younger brother whom I loved and adored was always with me. I cared for him like my own baby. Though he was only a year younger than me I protected him and cared for him during those rougher years. He loved me too. Then when moved to my aunt and uncles (our ‘new mom and dad’s) house he changed. He was not the loving brother I remembered anymore. He was mean to me. But it was not all of a sudden. At first he still clung to me. I still did everything for him and my parents said let him speak for himself. Let him do this and that for himself. It caused me problems to see him struggle with this. He eventually got it though. I guess I had more problems with it than he did. However, then he began to change. He would taunt me, and call me names…normal brother stuff at first. Then it escalated. He would call me more harsh names behind my parent’s back. He would say things about me that were not true at school and start rumors about me that were horrible. He would tell everyone at school when my menstrual cycle started and tell them when I got in trouble at home and what it was about.
Nothing was off limits to him. He did anything for a laugh and it was always at my expense. It was horrible. He would call me a whore, a slut and the like yet I was a virgin. Guys would come up to me with expectation and wanting to date and dump me after a week because I was not ‘putting out’. Eventually he got bold and started to do these things in front of my parents and they started seeing his behavior get way out of hand. However, at this point things had gotten so bad there was not much they knew to do. They had tried everything at this point but he was nearly a grown man.
My dad always said the boy needed one good butt whooping from some kid and that would fix him. Apparently that never happened or worked it it happened secretly. My brother my brother turning on me as I felt happened was a hurtful and sore spot after all those years. I would try to do things that interested him and he still had no interest. He was only interested in being a BRAT or hoodlum after a point. I could not be that person. I was not a ‘bad’ person or a criminal. I knew the people he hung out with and what they did and I could not do those things. I thought that he wanted to go to college and I even offered he come stay with me in my apartment under the condition that he either go to school or work. It never happened. He graduated school and went to New Jersey. There he did ok for a living with another aunt and got kicked out after starting his usual antics. Then not long after that he got in BIG trouble. I thank God constantly because I was not far from making the same decisions my brother did, but something told me NO. It had to be God but honestly I told myself at the time it was my friends, it was my drive not to be like him for how he hurt me, it was my thirst for education. Little did I know…
Many can see why I have a lot of anxiety. Those closest to you know how to push your buttons and cause you the most grief. He surely did and does. Recently I sent him a letter explaining how though he may call me sensitive among many other words I became an advocate for bipolar people due to him and my biological mother. I want to help people like them. He is considered severely bipolar among other comorbid issues. I also told him that all I ever wanted was to be accepted by him, the one full-blooded brother I had (because I have many other half siblings by my biological father) who went through everything I did and whom I have loved since the day I saw him and cared for him. He is the only one who knows ‘US’. He finally apologized! There was no sarcasm, no cursing, no if, ands, or buts or retaliations. I was almost scared to receive the next letter because I was expecting him to send a response with something mean Like I’m sorry but you it was in the past and you shouldn’t be so sensitive and so on and so forth. I had a whole arsenal ready. Of how he didn’t get to pick what hurt me and what didn’t and so on. But it quickly deflated and melted away when I saw that! All that emotional baggage just started dropping one by one. I just stared blankly at the letter. I was just stuck reading and reading that line. It felt good to finally feel like I could move past that. To feel like after over 20 years of a battle nearly 30 years of a relationship could feel like it was finally beginning to HEAL!
I am excited!
For a sick person God and you followers sure know how to make a lady feel oh so special! I have to say for someone who has been feeling a bit crappy lately I sure have this great boost of energy and spirit right now and just when I needed it most. The weather here has been gloomy for a week and it has rained for 4 days straight! I was just about to crawl out of my skin when in less than 24 hours I hit 2 big miles stones. First getting over 100 followers and now over 1000 likes. I feel like I got an Emmy. This all feels so cool. I mean I am sure some people have achieved this faster than it took me to achieve this in under 3 months but I feel like this was a pretty great one for me. I am through the moon and no one can steal the feeling I have right now. It could not have happened without all of you and you guys and gals ROCK!
I like to think of myself as a pretty stealthy type character when I want to be. I can sneak up on people and spy like the best of them in those 007 films. I can use my awesome sense of persuasion and skills and all my precise deductive reasoning and come up with the best solutions, plans, and plots MWUAHAHAHAHA! However, this may be all in my head as I was not Bond enough to escape the more sinister clutches of my evil nemesis THE COLD! I do not know which sneaky person gave it to me as there were many in my passing at work who just could not seem to stay away from me as they admitted to me they were sick and just wanted to sweat it out in the WELLNESS center UGH! Don’t you know your body will recover faster if you give it 1-3 days of rest that actually includes staying away from work if you can! But no they don’t get it and feel if they come and infest the work equipment that they refuse to clean and sneeze and cough in the air that this will help them get better!?!
Even if for some strange miracle it did, YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME YOU BLOKE! STAY AWAY! I already have to wear a mask from Jan-Mar for the heaviest part of flu season I refuse to have to wear one for 6 months of the year from Oct-Mar because you are careless. If people really knew how many people in the world had an autoimmune disorder they would be shocked, it’s not as uncommon as they think. If only they knew the anxiety they caused me during this time of year! SIGH!
Then you get the people you come into contact with outside of work! They are even worse! Yea I eye everyone with suspicion, but if you have a coughing fit in my vicinity I am likely going to just leave the area. If it is a small store I may even leave the store and wait in my car until you leave! I do not have time for your hack up a lunga palooza fresh with spittle all while you don’t even attempt to cover your mouth!!! I cannot take the flu shot because it always puts me in the ICU and I refuse for you to threaten my life…That’s attempted murder sir! And take your crusty nose kid/grandkid with ya, he looks contagious/ dangerous too. They are both criminal in my book at this point.
I feel so assaulted at times I feel the need to spray people down with my can of Lysol! My excuse if the report me to the police is that I felt assaulted as they were a danger to my life and that I was merely defending myself as they dd not feel the need to stay home, cover their mouths, and wear masks to protect me from THEM!
Chronicles of the autoimmune MGer!
My husband and anyone I am around will tell you I feel very strongly about those who harm or take advantage of those who cannot fend for themselves such as children, the elderly, the mentally ill, animals and so on. It not only shows that person’s weakness and inhumanity but it shows the mental illness within them as well. There is usually a deeper issue within them that is unresolved. It is still not right though!!! It burns me up to no avail and makes me angry and I cannot tolerate it. This ranges from abuse/ neglect to stealing from them to everything in between. It has happened to me; however, I believe that even if it never did I would still be this way. I believe many of us feel this way in society. It drives me to be an advocate and it was part of the reason for my blogging and in past years for working in group homes to help the mentally ill and give them a voice.
So I wanted to say a big thank you to the 100+ people who are following my blog! I am very appreciative for the opportunity to have an audience that is so captivated by my antics and adventures. I started out just wanting to educate people about MG and then it blossomed into wanting to continue to inspire and uplift people along the way. I am truly thankful for all the positive feedback, comments, and laughs in these short months. I have only been blogging for just under 3 months and this is a momentous milestone for me, so thank you so much!